What comes next: surviving living
by elliotbennet
Summary: Elizabeth Bennet and Fitzwilliam Darcy have been living happily ever after. Then the unthinkable happens and in the midst of illness, grief and death Elizabeth faces a threat from those who should be friends. She must decide what she is wiling to do in order to preserve her beloved Pemberley and if she is desires or deserves a life of her own after everything that has happened.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey readers – full disclosure this is about a 90,000 word situation that while drafted needs major rewriting so my posting schedule will probably be weekly and it may only start to make real sense after a few chapters. It is also not your typical P & P variation, but I love it. It may be my favorite of all the things I have written (I have about 20 FFs on my computer right now in addition to the 2 I have posted on here so far). So am curious to know what you all think. Nervous, but curious.**

 **Additional Note: I have been asked to post warnings. As a writer I hesitate to give too much away by way of warnings. I would like to tell you a story and let you decide if you like it or not. Very early on it will be clear who is and who is not in this story. I will challenge those of us who love the more traditional route to give this a chance I am obviously VERY biased but I think it works and would love the opinion especially of the purists (ok and the non-purists, I want to hear from everybody) I will warn that there is tragedy including talk of miscarriage so if that is a trigger please avoid.**

Day 3

Elizabeth struggled to open her eyes. They felt heavy, the attempt wearied her and when accomplished she remained confused. Turning her head, which caused tremendous pounding in every part of her, Elizabeth realized she was in her chambers. Since becoming Mrs. Darcy she had rarely slept here. It was a waste really. The large opulent room was used only for dressing and the accommodating of a rather large wardrobe. The bed was comfortable and served as a resting place on the exceptional occasion she ignored that holy admonition to not let the sun go down on her anger.

But now she was uncertain as to why she was awakening here. She did not remember fighting with William. In fact, she struggled to remember much at all and nothing she could recall justified the sight before her. Stephen Fitzwilliam, her husband's beloved cousin and their dearest friend, was sleeping in the chair next to her bed. With no energy to raise her head Elizabeth tried to lift her hand to get Stephen's attention. Her body seemed singularly unwilling to cooperate and the effort was making her sleepy. Focusing her mind once more to try and remember what could possibly have brought both she and Stephen to her room Elizabeth thought back to his most recent arrival at Pemberley. She was fairly certain he had come that morning, but then hazy memories of his being there longer made that seem unlikely. He was to visit for several weeks having been unable to come for Christmas the previous month when the Gardiners along with Kitty, Mary and their new husbands had spent the holiday.

Elizabeth recalled fare welling her sisters and the feelings of both hope and sadness as she watched them drive away. Hope, for they were both at the start of new lives with wonderful gentlemen. Sadness, because they now all lived quite far apart. Mary was to go to her new home near Meryton where her husband held a living and was beginning service as a vicar. Kitty and her husband, the viscount Hargrove, were to begin their yearlong wedding tour on the continent. She remembered William offering her his arm to escort her back into the house. She remembered feeling blessed that she loved her husband more on that day even than on the day they married and that she knew in that moment she would love him still more tomorrow. She remembered his smiling brown eyes and the crinkling lines around smiling lips. She remembered . . .trying to recall more Elizabeth faded off to sleep once again.

Day 5

Someone was speaking. Not to her, but around her. Keeping her eyes closed she tried to focus on the sounds. She could make out certain words, but could not make sense of what they meant together.

 _Grief . . .Memory . . . Burial . . .Nourishment . . .Express . . .Roads . . .Snow_

None of it made sense with the memories she could bring forth. They were hazy, but she now remembered certain things about the past few days . . . or what she believed to be the past few days? Perhaps it was weeks ago, even years. What she remembered was Stephen's arrival and Georgiana's typical enthusiastic response. Elizabeth clearly recalled the foursome dining together on Stephen's first night. Well not clearly exactly, but she knew cook served all of his favorite dishes as she and Georgiana had specifically planned the menu that way. The ladies played duets after dinner. The next days were a little less clear. She and Georgiana had visited several tenant families. There seemed to be a number of sick people.

The talking continued and Elizabeth left her memories to once again try and focus. This time not on what was being said, but who was saying it. She could discern two men and at first assumed it was Fitzwilliam and Stephen. But soon realized this was not the case. She quickly discerned that neither voice belonged to her husband. One was too quiet to hear beyond determining gender. The other, a deep timbered tone was clipped and harsh. Although her husband could be commanding and authoritative when he chose this voice was fierce and Elizabeth felt certain she had never heard it before. More than that Elizabeth always felt a strong pull whenever she heard William's voice. Even when he was speaking about something completely mundane or uninteresting she found its modulation, rhythm and depth singularly compelling. She needed to hear his voice. The need made her tired.

 _Husband . . .authority . . . force . . .allow . . .bloodletting . . .heal . . . sword_

There seemed to be silence following this conversation or she was asleep again and Elizabeth tried to pick up the thread of her memory. The tenant, illness . . . Georgiana had retired early one night. The next morning, or was it days later, Elizabeth had been attending her in her room. She was feverish. The Doctor came. Perhaps his was the quiet voice in her room because she had to admit this would make sense as she was clearly unwell. As Georgiana had been. It was a fever! In her mind Elizabeth rejoiced as her memories finally gave her something relevant. Georgiana had been sick and now clearly she was as well. Some fever had caused her to take to her bed. Certainly, it must be serious, but her relief at discerning what was going on nearly overrode her concern. William must be terribly worried. Elizabeth decided she would rest now and when she next awoke would insist someone take her to see him

Day 7

Her head pounded and Elizabeth was fairly certain it was the growling in her stomach that woke her. Her lids lifted with only moderate effort and the increased pain she felt was not overwhelming. Surely this was an improvement. The room, which she was prepared to see as her own, was dark, but this she realized was due to the drawn curtains which let in only a small sliver of weak sunshine. Recalling the pain it caused previously Elizabeth slowly and deliberately turned her head. Once again in the chair next to her bed sat Stephen Fitzwilliam. Only this time he was awake and looking at her with an expression she could not read at all. Seeing his normally merry blue eyes so blank and empty alarmed her more than anything had thus far. As did his appearance. Stephen was by no means a dandy, preferring simple and formal dress like William once he turned in his red coat for good. And they both always looked like they had just stepped away from the most careful valet. Now Stephen appeared to have run through a gauntlet of the worst sort and his clothes, face and hair had paid the price. His eyes were rimmed with red and although regarding her steadily they remained unreadable.

"Elizabeth . . ." he gently spoke her name with a mixture of fear and hope. Elizabeth tried to answer, tried even to keep her eyes open to hold his empty gaze but her body refused to cooperate. How could such small movements, such ineffectual thoughts cause so much exhaustion.

Closing her eyes once again Elizabeth focused on what she had seen. Stephen. Eyes blank. She tried to remember any other time in their nearly six-year acquaintance when she had seen him like that. It seemed important somehow, relevant even, to recall another instance of such a look. The memory of it came to her through the fog of her mind as the past seemed clearer than the present.

 _It had been the first time she saw him after her marriage, after he had returned from the war when he had accepted their invitation to Pemberley. Elizabeth had expected him late in the afternoon as she was certain he would stop first at his family's home at Matlock before traveling on to Pemberley. That was before she understood his relationship with his father, his home._

 _She had been walking in the garden while William finished with his steward. Her husband was impatient to accomplish as much business as possible before his cousin's visit to allow them time to spend together. When she rounded a corner on her way back to the house there stood Stephen, his back to her, his head tipped up gazing at the house beyond._

" _Colonel Fitzwilliam." Elizabeth exclaimed. It was not until he turned to face her that Elizabeth was able to take in the many changes in the man she had met nearly two years previous. From behind he had looked much as she remembered him, tall, sandy haired and broad-shouldered, but looking at him head on she saw his cheeks were almost sunken, a scar like an angry track ran from his left ear to just above his eyebrow and then there were his eyes. She remembered them previously – always sparkling with some form of mischief, humor or kindness. Now as she looked at this changed man, Elizabeth saw in the deep cobalt blue a blankness that was startling to behold. He was observing her closely and Elizabeth had to imagine what he was thinking, there was no hint from his eyes, but from the rigidity of his stance and the fact that after several moments he still had_ _not greeted her she feared he was angry. Finally, after a deep breath in which he seemed to recall himself he looked away then back again._

" _Miss Ben . . .Mrs. Darcy, forgive me, I seem to have left my manners somewhere on the battlefield. It is a pleasure to see you again and let me say how grateful I am to be welcomed to your beautiful home."_

 _Elizabeth was somewhat confused not only by the content of this speech but also the stiff nature of its delivery. This would not do at all. Her husband considered this man his dearest friend and she would do everything she could to make their reunion happy and his visit perfect._

" _Nonsense, Colonel. Pardon me I mean, Sir Stephen." Elizabeth corrected herself as she stepped closer. "Pemberley is at least as much yours as it is mine so I can no more welcome you here than I can Georgiana. You grew up here, this has practically been your home, with William and Georgie, for decades before I and therefore have the prior claim. What's more you have just spent the better part of eighteen months defending our country from foreign enemies and this, I believe entitles you to claim rest and recovery as a spoil of war." More seriously she added as she extended her hands, "this is, and always will be your home."_

" _Mrs. Darcy," Stephen began in what sounded like a protest but Elizabeth was not quite done._

" _And I must insist we dispense with all of this Mrs. Darcy and Sir Stephen business as we are practically cousins and shall become the best of friends or so my husband tells me. Therefore, if you have no objection I shall call you Stephen and you will please call me Elizabeth or Lizzy if you prefer."_

" _Darcy said we would be the best of friends?" with this he took her hands in his and she squeezed them gratefully._

" _He did." Elizabeth assured him waiting to see if he would accept her offer._

" _Well then, Elizabeth, Lizzy, shall we go and find your husband that we might begin to plan all of the different activities in which I might remind him how far superior I am to him throughout the course of my stay." With this Stephen offered Elizabeth his arm._

 _His visit lasted two months. Mrs. Patmore's cooking seemed to put some of the meat back on his bones enough to allow him to resume more of his old appearance and Elizabeth never again saw that distant expression._

But he had worn it as he stared at her with his bloodshot eyes. Elizabeth told herself it was due to his worry over her condition. It was only that. Nothing more. But her heart raced and her mind followed as she felt with a deep and unwelcome certainty that this was not the case. The effort of retrieving the memory and the exertion of her panic exhausted Elizabeth such that sleep claimed her once again. Stephen's blank eyes haunted her dreams.


	2. Chapter 2

Day 8

"We must try and rouse her, Sir." Elizabeth focused on this kind, familiar voice. Mrs. Reynolds! "The fever may have broken but she will waste away if we do not get some nourishment in to her."

"I have gotten her to take some water each of the past three days." This was Stephen's voice but it sounded distant, or out of focus somehow. Elizabeth wanted to open her eyes and call out to them and she tried to do both but in the end she managed only a weak moan. It was enough, however; to draw them both quickly to her side.

"Mrs. Darcy." The kind housekeeper cooed gently. "Please, we must sit you up so that you might take some broth."

Elizabeth wanted to protest any kind of movement, but she had never been good at denying Mrs. Reynolds anything she wanted. With a sound that was meant to signal her assent Elizabeth tried to lift herself up to help in the task. Her body did not move at all. Remembering vaguely how the panic of yesterday, or had it been last week, had worn her out Elizabeth willed herself not to be concerned with her complete inability to move. In the next moment she felt herself being gently eased up against a mountain of soft pillows. When she was able to force her eyelids to open she found Stephen hovering over her, his face a mask of pain and concern. It was raw and fresh and cut straight through her, almost making her long for the vacant look of before. Almost.

The next half hour or so consisted of Mrs. Reynolds feeding broth to Elizabeth onesmall mouthful at a time. Each time felt like a herculean effort. The opening of her mouth, the swallowing and then whatever work her body had to do to begin to process of digestion seemed to already be sapping her very little strength. Although most of her energy was focused on her small role in this task of eating Elizabeth's eyes moved to Stephen several times. He had positioned himself in the chair which was pulled up on the other side of her bed. He looked worn out and worried. That much she could read from his eyes. From his posture, clothing and lack of immaculate grooming she deduced a lack of sleep. Elizabeth assumed he must be rotating between herself, Georgiana and William. William being sick as well was the only explanation for his not being by her side himself. Unable to keep her eyes open or take in any more broth Elizabeth tried once again to mine the recesses of her mind to recall William falling ill.

 _She sat in the small sitting room outside Georgiana's room. William and Dr. Tate were inside with her. Three days earlier Dr. Tate had broken the news. Georgiana had typhoid fever. He had diagnosed it first among the Mores, a tenant family Georgiana and Elizabeth had visited four days ago. They had gone there because little Elizabeth, born the year Elizabeth came to Pemberley as a bride and named in her honor, was sick. The family had seven children and the ladies knew how difficult it was to keep house and care for these energetic youngsters when one required so much extra care. They brought food, blankets and clothes for each member of the family. With winter having already settled deep in the bones of their part of the world these offerings were gratefully received and the visit was a pleasant one. Although little Elizabeth was confined to her bed she was overjoyed to be receiving a visit from Mrs. Darcy herself whom she considered her particular friend having met her several times in her young life. Little Elizabeth's mother insisted on serving tea and cake to her exalted guests and the ladies could not refuse such warm hospitality._

 _The next day they learned that two more of the More children had taken ill. Having a soft spot for little Elizabeth Mrs. Darcy requested that Dr. Tate be called to attend the family. That afternoon Dr. Tate was shown in to the Music room where William and Elizabeth were enjoying a few hours together before a scheduled visit to a neighbor that evening. Stephen had gone out riding and Georgiana had gone to her room to rest having begun to feel fatigued after luncheon._

" _I have grave news." The doctor began as soon as the servant had left them._

 _William and Elizabeth exchanged a concerned look._

" _Little Elizabeth?" Elizabeth asked as William squeezed her hand which he had taken hold of when the doctor came in looking somber and anxious._

" _She is the same." He answered. "But I am afraid it is not simply a minor fever or passing illness affecting her and her brothers. It is typhoid."_

 _The word hung in the air for a moment before Elizabeth felt she could take it in. Even then she could not fully comprehend what the doctor meant. Surely not typhoid like the epidemic that had struck the county adjacent to Hertfordshire when she was a child. It was still spoken of. Forty people had died over the course of a month before treatment and quarantining stopped the spread. Now it was here . . . at Pemberley._

" _Are you certain?" William asked and Elizabeth felt her panic subside just slightly. William's warm hand in hers, his quiet tone of authority and concern and his solid presence assured her that they could weather this terrible storm together. But before she could feel any amount of comfort from this thought she remembered something._

" _Georgiana!" As she said this she rose from her seat still clutching William's hand. "She has been tired, pale and worn since we visited the Mores." William looked stricken, but he quickly turned to the doctor._

" _Dr. Tate, would you please see my sister at once?" His voice faltered slightly but he held Elizabeth's hand firmly and shot her a reassuring look. She wasn't fooled however. His eyes bespoke worry. They sent a servant to find Stephen so that they could inform him._

 _The doctor gave them the news of Georgiana's illness an hour later as well as instructions on what precautions to take to prevent further spread of the disease. Elizabeth sat with Georgiana until she retired that night._

 _The next days proceeded at a frantic pace as more tenants, servants and neighbors contracted the fever. William and Stephen helped Dr. Tate and the village apothecary inform those in and around Derbyshire regarding the illness and how to help prevent the it's spread. Elizabeth tended mostly to Georgiana, but, despite William's objections also visited the Mores. Tough she did not go inside she brought a basket. She helped prepare baskets for other_ __ _affected families as well and worked with Mrs. Reynolds to support the families of the staff who had already been affected. William held her each night until she fell asleep both exhausted with work and concern and she remembered how worry enveloped her like a mist. One morning when she woke she was confused by the sensation of a fire around her mid-section. When she opened her eyes, she realized the source of this feeling was her husband's arms which were, as per their custom, wrapped firmly around her. What was unusual was the heat emanating from them. Elizabeth maneuvered herself out from his grasp. William barely stirred and her alarm grew. He was an incredibly light sleeper. Feeling his forehead told Elizabeth what she needed to know. William was burning up._

 _Dr. Tate came shortly thereafter and confirmed that William had indeed contracted the dreaded illness. He also informed them that the youngest More child had died and that four more cases had been confirmed among the tenants. She remembered Stephen insisting she eat as she shuffled between her husband's room and her sister-in-law's. He told her how he had sent word to his family who were still in London as well as hers at Longborn and Stanborn, the Bingleys home, thirty miles away. Elizabeth had planned to travel to Stanborn later that winter to attend Jane in her confinement which was fast approaching. Stephen likely told her a great many things as he seemed able to comprehend a world beyond the two sick rooms, but Elizabeth took in very little. One day he told her the roads were nearly impassable due to the snowfall from a winter storm days earlier. Elizabeth hadn't even noticed the storm_ _ **.**_

 _At some point in each day she and Stephen would find themselves in the sitting room adjoining her and William's suites. They had long ago abandoned any concern about propriety and were often alone together. Dr. Tate came and went frequently. He was staying in a first floor guest room as four servants had fallen ill and needed to be attended to and from Pemberley he could travel to the cottages where a dozen tenants now suffered from the fever. With the snow on the roads it was the easiest place for him to travel from. Stephen had asked that he be given the use of one of Pemberley's carriages. Elizabeth was fairly certain she assented. What did she care for carriages?_

 _She and Stephen did not speak a great deal and spent most of their few words insisting the other eat or rest. For the most part this advice was ignored until Mrs. Reynolds came in and then it was promptly adhered to. In addition to attending William and Georgiana Stephen had taken over the details of running Pemberley that could not wait even in the midst of the current crisis. As a result, he spent part of each day in William's study or on the grounds while Elizabeth had not been below stairs since the day before the morning she awoke in William's scorching embrace._

 _What she could not recall before welcoming sleep once again was she herself falling ill._

Day 9

"Mrs. Darcy it is good to see you." As Elizabeth opened her heavy lids she saw the care worn face of Dr. Tate looking down on her. He smiled but it didn't reach his eyes. Elizabeth noticed he was putting things back into his little black bag. He must have been examining her. However; her own well-being was far from her primary concern.

"Dr. Tate," she began. Her throat was dry and sore. The doctor seemed to know what she needed because he gently eased his hand behind her neck to lift her head slightly off the pillow and held a glass of water to her lips. Swallowing hurt and helped at the same time. "How is William? How is Georgiana?"

The doctor lifted her head and bade her drink twice more. Elizabeth coughed but the water soothed her throat.

"Dr. Tate," she said again, noting with satisfaction that her voice, though weak, sounded stronger than before. "Please, tell me how my husband and sister fare."

Dr. Tate looked toward the door.

"Mrs. Darcy, I must fetch Sir Stephen right away. He has left your side for only moments each day all week. He will want to know you are awake." With this the doctor swept from the room and panic gripped Elizabeth.

Dr. Tate had always been a favorite of hers. He was an older man probably nearing his retirement but he seemed to possess boundless energy and ever patient kindness. He had been with her through three fairly serious sprained ankles, one bout with food poisoning and more significantly had held her hand and assured her of her health and vitality after two very painful miscarriages. That he did not answer her question about William and Georgiana frightened her and set her heart racing as she considered the possible causes for his unwillingness to tell her what was happening.

Elizabeth realized she must have fallen asleep after Dr. Tate left her because the next thing she became aware of was voices speaking in the doorway of her chambers. She opened her eyes at the sounds and saw Stephen, Mrs. Reynolds and the doctor.

"If she asked you directly. I do not think we can keep it from her." Stephen was saying.

"But she is so weak. It has been eight days since she has eaten anything solid. What will a shock like that do to her, Doctor?" This was Mrs. Reynolds and she sounded truly frantic.

Stephen looked between the two of them and ran his hands through his already unruly sandy locks.

"We cannot do anything to jeopardize her recovery." He said with authority. "Today is the first day she has been awake enough to communicate. But this is Elizabeth. We will not be able to prevaricate. I will speak with her."

"Sir Stephen," Mrs. Reynold protested. "You have not slept but a few hours, you are not eating. I do not think you should be the only one . . ."

"I thank you for your concern, Mrs. Reynolds." Stephen interrupted her but before he could continue his eyes turned to Elizabeth.

Her mouth was wide and her eyes betrayed the fright the overhead conversation had created in her. Stephen instantly moved to her side, Mrs. Reynolds and Dr. Tate right behind him. He reached for her hands and she grasped his with as much strength as she could muster. It wasn't much.

"Stephen, please tell me how they are." Elizabeth implored knowing he would be honest with her. She held his eyes just to be sure.

"Mrs. Reynolds, Dr. Tate, would you excuse us." He asked quietly, his eyes never leaving hers. When the door shut behind them he spoke once again.

"Elizabeth," his voice broke and his eyes filled. Before he could continue Elizabeth squeezed his fingers which curled in her grasp. She thought she had wanted to hear, that no matter how sick William and Georgiana were she needed to know, but now she suspected there was a truth far worse that could destroy her and she worked to hold it at bay.

"No, do not say anything more. I cannot . . . I am . . . please . . ." her breathing became shallow and her heart raced once again. She did not fight the weakness that battered the edges of her consciousness. Once again she welcomed it because the alternative was potentially devastating.

"Elizabeth," she heard Stephen's voice as if she was under water and felt his hand go to her forehead. Just before she fell completely under the cloak of blackness his calloused fingers were replaced by a cool cloth.


	3. Chapter 3

Day 10

Elizabeth woke with a start. She sat up and the quick motion made her head spin. After settling back down the spinning stopped but her throat burned. Noticing a glass of water next to the bed she reached for it. Although her hand shook she was able to take two long swallows before replacing the glass.

Grateful that the room was empty Elizabeth seemed to recall that the past few times she awoke she was not alone and for reasons she could not immediately remember this had been an indictor that all was not well. Reaching for the memory she thought back to the most recent time she had awoken. She remembered she was ill and Stephen, Mrs. Reynolds and Dr. Tate had been in the room. More than that she couldn't bring into her mind. There was no more memory, but there was a nameless fear, a sense of foreboding.

The room was dark. Elizabeth looked to the windows and noted that the curtains were pulled back to reveal the night sky. The balcony drapes were also open and under the light of the full moon she could make out the lake which sat at the top of the hill just beyond where she and William loved to picnic. A conversation they had this past fall after one such picnic pushed to the front of Elizabeth's mind.

 _They finished their meal and William pulled her back against his chest wrapping his arms around her. It was a familiar position. On those late autumn afternoons, it was the perfect way to stay warm. They would sit and talk until the sun set and then walk back to the house hand in hand. William would spend the few hours before the evening meal in his study working with his steward or reviewing his correspondence. Elizabeth would either work with Mrs. Reynolds on household matters, practice music and visit with Georgiana or read in the study. But this time by the lake was theirs, no responsibilities, no distractions._

" _Jane is doing well." Elizabeth said as she leaned her head into William's shoulder. He remained quiet._

" _She says little Lizzy is very eager to be a big sister." Elizabeth laughed thinking of Jane's letter describing her daughter's eagerness for her sibling, due to be born in several months. "I cannot wait until Jane sees the dress I have made for Lizzy. She will not believe I did it all myself. Under our Georgiana's tutelage I have improved so much. It is so much better than the ones I made when Lizzy was born."_

 _When William still didn't respond Elizabeth turned to face him._

" _Will you join Georgie and I at Stanborn in February or did Stephen decide to stay until March which will understandably keep you here until then?" she asked._

" _Are you certain you wish to go?" he asked gently._

" _Do I wish to go?" she asked. "Why would I not?_

" _I simply meant . . ." When he seemed unable to continue Elizabeth began to understand his meaning._

" _I see." She said, her tone indignant. "You are asking if I am certain I wish to be of use to my sister? Do I wish to meet my new niece or nephew? Do I wish to help little Lizzy learn to be a big sister? Do I wish to celebrate another life joining our family?"_

" _Elizabeth . . ." William pleaded, but she was not done._

" _Is that all I am to you now? Our loss."_

" _What?" he asked, uncertain._

" _William, do you think me a selfish person?" She demanded. He looked truly shocked at this question._

" _You are the least selfish person I have ever known." He answered quickly._

" _Am I one to begrudge happiness to those around me because I do not know that happiness myself?"_

" _No." He said a little more timidly._

" _No," Elizabeth agreed. "I am overjoyed for the Bingleys. I am thrilled Jane and Charles will be giving Lizzy the brother or sister she has begged them for. I cannot wait to hold a new baby in my arms. You know I mourn for our lost children and I always will, but I will not, you cannot, let it take away the joy we find in the rest of our lives." Elizabeth forced the next words out. "Even if we never have children of our own."_

" _Do you think we will not?" William asked pulling his wife back into his embrace._

" _I do not know. I am simply making a choice to be happy in the life we have now." She answered truthfully. Although reluctant to continue in the somber mood she had inadvertently created, Elizabeth forced herself to say something she had been considering for some time._

" _If we do not . . . If something were to happen to me . . ."_

" _Elizabeth . . ." William tried to interrupt, but she was determined to finish now that she had begun._

" _No, please, William. Allow me to say this. If something were to happen to me like before or if we never had children I want you to know what I would want for you. I want you to marry again, have children and raise them here at our beloved Pemberley. I know how very much you love me and that should you lose me," here she paused and placed a hand on his face to ease the pain even the words brought to his eyes, "I know you will have to mourn, but promise me, promise me you will love again. You will find someone to have your children, so that Pemberley will stay in our family. It is important that everything we have done and are doing here does not end with us. Even if they are not my children if they are yours they will be part of my legacy."_

 _Elizabeth felt a great relief in finally having given voice to her thoughts. When she miscarried six months ago she had nearly died. She knew it was quite possible it would happen again and perhaps she would not survive it. Regardless, it had given her a perspective she had not had before. Even with her mother's experience years earlier. This, her own brush with mortality made certain things very clear. What she wanted more than anything was the happiness of those she loved and the prosperity of the people she had come to view as her extended family which included all of those who depended on the success of the Darcy holdings for their livelihoods._

 _They had been working for years to ensure that the tenants at Pemberley understood new crop rotation techniques, that modernization was instituted and that the income was invested in a diversified manner. They wanted to ensure that they would not become one of the many landowners across England losing their holdings because they refused to change with the times. Feeling keenly the responsibility to those who depended on them in the great house, the tenants and the village._

" _Elizabeth, please do not ask me to consider a life without you. The day we married I chose to preclude that possibility forever." William said drawing her against him even as one of his hands reached out and found a stone to fidget with, a nervous habit of his. Elizabeth almost relented at the near tortured tone in her beloved's voice but she needed to know he understood the importance of what she wanted from him, how much it meant to her._

" _William, tell me you understand and that you will do as I ask." She insisted taking the rock from him and forcing his attention back on herself._

" _I will consider it, but think it unfair of you to ask it of me. Would you do the same for me?"_

" _What?" She said in some shock. "It is not the same thing. If something . . Pemberley will be left to Georgiana and her heirs."_

" _I think we both know Georgiana will have no heirs, Elizabeth." William said gently and somewhat sadly._

" _Her heart is so set." She knew, they both knew, but they had never spoken of it and perhaps would not have done so now if they had not been so eager to avoid discussing their own lives without one another. "Does Stephen know?"_

" _Yes."_

 _When it was clear her husband wasn't going to elaborate Elizabeth pressed him._

" _I know he doesn't consider her as one would a wife now, but do you not think that some day . . .?"_

" _No, Elizabeth he loves her like a sister._

" _But that could change."_

" _It will not." William said with certainty._

" _How can you be so sure? Love has grown from far less than the foundation of respect and affection they now possess."_

" _For the same reason you know Georgiana's feelings won't change."_

 _Elizabeth thought about this for a moment._

" _Stephen is already in love." She surmised._

" _Yes. Please don't ask me more. Just know that he only sees our Georgie as a sister and that will not change regardless."_

" _Then I am truly sorry for her. Her heart is so set and she is so hopeful." Georgianna was young, but Elizabeth had come to understand the gentle girl's temperament over the past five years. She seemed almost pliant at first, but that apparently yielding nature belied a will of iron when it came to the things that truly mattered to her. For this reason Elizabeth feared she would never give up on her love for her cousin. Moving on from that dire though Elizabeth asked, "But why has Stephen not offered for this lady?" When her husband seemed disinclined to answer Elizabeth drew some of her own conclusions._

 _She was married. She was French. She was the daughter of a duke who thought Stephen beneath her. There was some scandal surrounding her or her family . . . Elizabeth was nothing if not imaginative._

 _Suspecting that her husband would not indulge her curiosity she simply said, "part of me had secretly hoped he was waiting for Georgie to grow up, but she is nearly twenty-two now and I had prepared myself that this might not be the case. Will you not give me some insight into this woman who holds the heart of the man who is as close to me as anyone apart from you, Jane and Georgiana?"_

" _No I am afraid I cannot." William said in a tone that Elizabeth knew all too well. The subject was closed. She resolved to leave it be for now. But decided to ask Stephen about it on his next visit. She wanted only happiness, like that which she had found with William, for those she loved and she was not one to sit idly by when it was possible she could be of some use in binging it about._

" _Very well." She replied with deceptive meekness._

" _I am not fooled, Elizabeth." Her husband chuckled. "But I will take your acquiescence for now and plan my strategy for our next encounter."_

" _Now as to the other matter. Promise me that if something were to happen to me you would marry again, have children and be happy. ."_

" _I had hoped we had left that subject behind." He sighed." I do not think happiness is possible for me without you. Nor do I think it fair for me to make a promise when I do not receive one in return."_

 _When Elizabeth kept her pleading eyes on him he laughed._

" _Oh do not break out the Hunsford face here." He smiled._

" _Hunsford face?" She asked in confusion._

" _Do not feign ignorance, you know what you are doing though perhaps you did not know I had a name for that particular and effective technique. To your credit however you do use it quite sparingly. Which shows some considerable self-control as I believe it has a one hundred percent success rate no?"_

 _Elizabeth blushed, but couldn't help but ask._

" _Why do you call it my Hunsford face though?"_

" _Because you first employed it there although it was not for me. I saw you coaxing a story from Stephen with it."_

" _You did?" Elizabeth asked, curious. In truth when she thought of Hunsford what she thought of most was William's disastrous proposal and her cruel rejection. But of course, in the weeks before that other things had happened. She had met the imperious Lady Catherine and was exposed to her gracious condescension. She saw first-hand what a marriage of convenience looked like thanks to her friend Charlotte and her cousin Mr. Collins. During her six week stay she had in fact spent much more time with Stephen than William. They got along from the beginning, unlike she and her husband who took a much more winding road._

" _Yes. It was in Mrs. Collins' parlor. He was telling you about our exploits as boys, hinting at one particular escapade involving frogs."_

" _Oh yes, I remember he was quite reluctant to tell me, but finally relented and it was quite a tale. I believe frogs were placed in the guest bedrooms of several ladies during a family visit. Including Aunt Catherine – the story of her reaction was my favorite."_

" _I'm sure. But if you'll remember Stephen did not tell you the story until you used your Hunsford face on him."_

" _I remember no such thing."_

" _I suppose you wouldn't as you have never seen the face yourself, but trust me you used it and Stephen was as helpless against it that day as I have been every time since."_

 _Elizabeth couldn't help but laugh._

" _Fine, I yield to your superior knowledge of my Hunsford face, but as you have just recounted you are unable to resist it and therefore you must give me the asked for promise." She grew serious at the close of this speech and regarded her husband earnestly._

" _Very well, I promise." He answered simply._

" _Thank you." She said, then placing the rock she had wrested from him back in his hand "let this serve as a reminder."_

" _You will not require a written promise." He teased._

" _The rock will suffice." She answered and then added with a laugh, "but this is all so unnecessary as I plan on us both living for another forty years at least."_

" _That is comforting as I know your plans always meet with great success."_

" _Let's talk no more of promises, no more of death or even the future." Elizabeth turned and wrapped her arms around William's neck. "In fact no more talk at all."_


	4. Chapter 4

**I put this new note before chapter 1 but in case you've been following along and are starting here :**

 **Additional Note (also posted at chapter 1): I have been asked to post warnings. As a writer I hesitate to give too much away by way of warnings. I would like to tell you a story and let you decide if you like it or not. Very early on it will be clear who is and who is not in this story. I will challenge those of us who love the more traditional route to give this a chance I am obviously VERY biased but I think it works and would love the opinion especially of the purists (ok and the non-purists, I want to hear from everybody) I will warn that there is tragedy including talk of miscarriage so if that is a trigger please avoid.**

Day 11

"Mrs. Darcy, please try to eat." The soft familiar voice cooed. Without much thought Elizabeth opened her mouth. She kept her eyes closed and refused to fully succumb to the wakefulness that now tugged at her. Memories seemed to demanded consideration whereas before they had proved elusive. Words, she had overheard, concerned looks and things that had gone unsaid in her past awakenings now paraded across her blurry mind. After five bites of what she had determined was Mrs. Padmore's chicken soup Elizabeth opened her eyes with no little difficulty.

"Mistress, it is so good to see you." The kind old lady declared with tears in her eyes. "Please try a bit more broth."

Elizabeth nodded her assent and managed three more swallows before finding her voice.

"Mrs. Reynolds could you please get me some water?"

"Of course." The housekeeper declared with a glee completely out of proportion to the request and situation. After taking a few sips she reclined once again on her wall of pillows. Mrs. Reynolds stood by the bed and beamed at Elizabeth.

"Mrs. Reynolds, why are you attending me? Where is Abigail or Belinda?" Elizabeth asked thinking her lady's maid or the upstairs maid were both more appropriate persons to wait on her than the head housekeeper.

"My lady, please forgive me, but Sir Stephen asked that we not say anything to upset you when you first woke up." Mrs. Reynolds was wringing her hands and not looking Elizabeth in the eye.

"Well, Mrs. Reynolds I can appreciate that he put you in a difficult position." Elizabeth tried to remain calm knowing that something must have happened to the servants she mentioned. She tried not to panic knowing that only had that previously saped what little strength she had available to her the past few times she had awaken but she had to appear calm and ready to receive information if she were to obtain it. Elizabeth wanted to know everything that was going on at Pemberley at this moment. Starting with . . . "please first tell me what day it is."

This seemed to calm the housekeeper down. She resumed her seat beside the bed and with one last longing look at the door began to speak.

"Monday, February tenth."

"The last day I remember remembering the date is Friday . . . the twenty-fourth of January ." Elizabeth said in some amazement. That was several days after William fell ill. The day he took a turn for the worse.

 _Elizabeth felt a hand on her shoulder._

" _Elizabeth you must go to your room and get some rest and Mrs. Reynolds will skin us both alive if you do not eat the supper she sent up." Stephen said all of this while he gently tugged her from the chair she had positioned next to William's bed and guided her to the small sofa by the fire. "Now eat."_

 _They passed a few moments in silence as Elizabeth did as she was told more to avoid further conflict with Stephen than from any real appetite. She was simply too tired to fight. Between caring for Georgiana, who was stable but had not improved at all since falling ill more almost two weeks earlier, running the house which included several sick servants and tenants and now William Elizabeth did not think she would be able to tell if she herself got sick. She was so very tired all of the time surely the fever and sickness couldn't feel much different._

" _Good morning." The voice greeting them from the doorway belonged to Dr. Tate. He looked as tired as Elizabeth felt._

" _How is Georgiana?" They asked in unison knowing he would have come from checking on her before seeing to William._

" _No change." He said moving to examine William's sleeping form._

 _Elizabeth wanted to find hope in this, but could not. Dr. Tate had told them yesterday that unless Georgiana showed some improvement including being able to take liquids no change really meant she was getting worse and while he didn't say more Elizabeth knew, since three people had already succumbed to the fever, the dangers. She could not even bring herself to ask about William when the doctor had finished._

" _The fever is worse." He said simply. After a deep breath, he continued. "His is one of the worst cases I have seen, but he is young and strong."_

 _This seemed like an almost hopeless statement coming from the doctor, as if he had no more medical solutions to offer and so was left with platitudes. Elizabeth looked down at her lap and noticed Stephen had placed his hands in hers. She squeezed his fingers trying to draw strength as she worked to not consider the possibility of losing the people who were most dear to her in all the world. It could not happen. The Lord would not be so cruel. He could not. Elizabeth drew a breath._

" _What can we do doctor?" Her voice shook._

" _Everything we have been doing, Mrs. Darcy. I know it is frustrating, but the fever must run its course and we must trust to the methods that have proven effective. I know you do not want to try bleeding . . ."_

" _No, Doctor." Elizabeth interrupted standing to go to William's side taking his hand in hers. "You know I have the greatest respect for your skills and knowledge, but this is something William and I agreed on. He was quite clear on this."_

" _Very well." Dr. Tate responded with a sigh. "I will make my rounds among the staff here and then see to the tenants."_

" _Are there more cases?" Stephen asked._

" _I am afraid so." The doctor answered. "I believe we have slowed the spread but two servants at Hawthorn house have become ill and three more of Pemberley's tenants as well as several more in the village."_

 _The doctor left and Stephen began insisting that Elizabeth sleep while he took charge of William and Georgiana for some time. Elizabeth, though reluctant to leave knew her body needed rest. She kissed William's forehead and moved to the adjoining door. Before she reached it, the room seemed to spin and her legs gave way._

" _Elizabeth." She heard Stephen exclaim before she felt herself being lifted. "Abigail, fetch Dr. Tate immediately." This was said in a voice so unlike Stephen's Elizabeth almost didn't recognize it. There was so much authority and so little gentleness. After this moment in time everything was fragmented. Being placed in her bed. Burning up, freezing cold. Abigail changing her out of her drenched gown. Abigail being replaced by Belinda. Begging to see William. Stephen crying. Stephen crying._

This memory washed over her anew and Elizabeth examined it trying to place it in context.

 _She had awoken from a fever induced slumber. Her eyes coming to rest on a male form by her bed. At first she thought it must be William and she tried to raise her hand to reach for him only to find it felt as heavy as lead. As she watched the man's shoulder's shook with sobs she could just barely hear. By now she realized it was not William, but Stephen who sat beside her. She wanted to ask him why he was crying, what could have caused him such sorrow, but she could not find the energy and succumbed to sleep once again. An hour, a day or maybe more than that later Belinda was urging her to swallow some broth, several other times it was Stephen and then the somewhat clearer memories from the past few days._

"Yes, that was when you came down with the fever." Mrs. Reynolds said patting Elizabeth's hands and recalling her to the present. "Yours has been a bad case from the start, but you have shown much improvement these past few days. Although you are still feverish. We've been so worried. Sir Stephen has hardly left your side."

"How is everyone faring?" Elizabeth asked thinking that if she kept the inquires general Mrs. Reynolds would feel like she could control which information she gave and therefore she might be more inclined to continue to speak.

"Little Lizzy is recovering and expected to be just fine. So is Abigail. She wanted so much to return to you. She was only ill for two days but Dr. Tate advised another day of rest. He thinks that the tide has turned as there have been no new cases in three days."

Clearly Mrs. Reynolds was conveying only the good news on purpose and the names not included in her monologue rang loudly in Elizabeth's mind, but she feared direct questions would lead to a retreat and not answers.

"That is good to hear, Mrs. Reynolds." She said carefully. This was the most conversation she had had in more than two weeks apparently and it was more tiring than she had anticipated. But Elizabeth was determined to become mistress of her home again and she would not allow her own weakness to master her. "Now, if you would be so kind as to send someone to help me bath and dress I would like to see my husband."

"Mrs. Darcy, I do not think . . . please . . . you are not strong enough yet." Mrs. Reynolds voice shook and as she spoke she wrung her hands and began to pace. "Allow me to fetch Sir Stephen. He went out with Mr. Prentice several hours ago to help clear the road. It is still impassable by the river. For carriages, at least. We have been able to send express riders. Oh, and we have several letters from Longbourn for you and I think Mrs. Bingley has written every day. She wants so much to be here, but of course she just had the baby, it coming early and the weather so bad . . ."

Elizabeth briefly registered the news that her beloved sister had had her baby. A small burst of joy lit her heart, but she could not hold on to it. The subject change was not lost on Elizabeth and she wondered briefly why everyone seemed to want to turn to Stephen for answers when they were avoiding her questions but her blurry mind had trouble keeping track of what it was she wanted to find out.

"Perhaps I will try and read those letters now, Mrs. Reynolds." Elizabeth said realizing she likely did not have the strength to handle a walk to her washroom right now. "If you would be so good as to send up another tray as well I think I have something of an appetite."

"That is good to hear, Mistress I will do so immediately."

"Before you go, Mrs. Reynolds, please tell me who from the staff is sick and . . . have we lost anyone?"

"Mrs. Darcy, "

"Mrs. Reynolds, I understand your concern for me, but I must insist you answer my question."

Just as she said this Stephen appeared in the doorway.

"Elizabeth." He exclaimed with a look of relief and exhaustion. "You look . . ."

"Terrible?" Elizabeth guessed when Stephen seemed disinclined to finish his own sentence.

"No, I mean yes." He smiled sheepishly "but you cannot know how beautiful you always are and I am so happy to see you awake and alert it makes you more beautiful still."

Mrs. Reynolds had made her way to the door.

"I will order a tray sent up and have Mary come see to you." She said as she quickly left the room.

"Stephen, please." Elizabeth said when he had seated himself by her bed and began to pour her a glass of water.

"Drink first." He commanded. "You have done well taking both broth and water over the past few days or so but you are still shockingly thin, Elizabeth and you need all the nourishment you can get."

She did as she was told because it was the quickest way to get the answers she needed. After she had taken a few swallows, but before she could speak her questions and concerns Mary appeared in the doorway.

"Mrs. Darcy! You are awake."

"Hello, Mary." Elizabeth said with a small smile.

"Would you like me to assist you, Mistress?"

"Yes, thank you."

Stephen excused himself and informed Mary that he would be working in the library. He asked to be told as soon as Elizabeth was ready to receive him. This proved to be a longer process than anyone anticipated. Not only because of her weakness but also because she allowed herself to fully enjoy the apparently long neglected routine of bathing, dressing and being out of bed. She knew there was a great trial ahead of her and Elizabeth gave herself over to the physical pleasure of shedding the layers of illness. Soon enough she knew her mind and heart would be engaged in the emotional aftermath of this terrible fever.

Two hours later Elizabeth was feeling refreshed by Mary's ministrations. She sat at her vanity having her hair brushed as Mrs. Reynold's returned with a tray laden with enough food to feed a small army. Stephen was close behind. The three of them fussed over her until she was settled in the chair closest to the fire with the tray on the table next to her. Mary made a plate for her while Stephen tended the fire. At one point two servants came in with additional wood and they too greeted Elizabeth with enthusiastic congratulations on her being out of bed at last. They both claimed she looked well.

"I will not threaten your job for uttering such falsehoods Eddie." She warned with fondness. Eddie was the son of a tenant who was training in the house to become a footman. He was one of the first tenants she had met and befriended upon her arrival as mistress.

"Thank you, mistress." He said with a smile before Mrs. Reynolds shooed them out.

"Can I get you anything else, Mrs. Darcy?" She asked.

"No thank you, Mrs. Reynolds." Elizabeth said. As much as she loved the old housekeeper she knew that her protective nature would continue to keep all news of a disturbing nature from her. With one last tuck of the blanket covering Elizabeth's lap Mrs. Reynolds left, leaving the door open.

Now that she had the opportunity to speak with Stephen alone Elizabeth was uncertain where or how to begin. She looked at him and saw so much in his eyes. They were guarded, but she also saw the pain there, the grief and the exhaustion. She wondered what he had been through these past few weeks. She wondered if she was strong enough to find out. Pulling the blankets tight around she knew the fever had not fully left her, she could not get warm enough. Pushing that thought aside she addressed Stephen.

"Stephen," she began tentatively.

"Eat a little please. I will start with the village." His voice was steady, but he didn't meet her eyes.

Elizabeth picked up the plate Mrs. Reynolds had prepared and speared an apple before looking up expectantly at her friend. Knowing food would help her recovery and placate Stephen she did as she was asked.

"Dr. Tate has been able to get to village about every other day since the first case was reported there last week. As you know the apothecary is quite capable and has been attending to the sick as well. Mr. Tanner's family seems to have been the hardest hit."

"He runs the Rose and Crown?" Elizabeth asked. It was the Inn where she and the Gardiners had stayed on her visit to Lambton before she and William were married, but the couple who ran it now was different than the people who did then and Elizabeth did not know them well.

"Yes, and three of his children as well as his wife came down with the fever." He paused then lowered his voice. "His wife died and the baby is still sick. There are about a dozen people still suffering and about the same number have recovered. Three others died."

Elizabeth tried to keep eating to show Stephen she could assimilate this information. That she could handle it. The problem was it wasn't information. It was people's lives. It was . . . Stephen was talking again.

"There are only four of Pemberley's tenants who are still ill, but Dr. Tate is concerned that these may never fully recover as they have been sick for over a week and all are rather serious cases. As I believe you know little Lizzy is nearly well, but her sister **. . .** Anne did not make it. Nor did Adam."

"No," Elizabeth held back a sob, but could not restrain the tears that fell. "Poor Mrs. More."

"Yes, but it is a blessing that she herself never caught the fever so she is able to care for the rest."

"Small blessing." Elizabeth mumbled and though unsure she could hear it asked, "who else?"

"The Carwrights lost their baby, the Holdens their eldest and old Mrs. Ferguson passed just yesterday. The rest were before you became ill. Do you remember?"

"Yes, I think so." She remembered Mrs. Reynolds keeping her updated on tenant families who had members coming down with the fever and the few servants who became ill. When William had become ill her world had shrunk down to the family wing of the house. Very little penetrated the small world she had inhabited during that time, but she knew she had been kept informed.

"As I believe Mrs. Reynolds told you Abigail did contract the fever but is almost fully recovered. Belinda is not sick but asked to be relived of her duties to care for her parents, both of whom are now recovering. Thomas and Paul have recovered and returned to their duties. Daisy is well again, but her little sister is still sick so she has remained at home."

He paused here whether it was to allow her to take in everything she had heard or to give her a moment to prepare for what was to come she did not know.

"Stephen." She said quietly. The silence had hung too long, too heavily. It was time. In her heart, she knew now what she would hear. There were things that would have been said if it were not the case. Names that would have been the first to be mentioned if they were not . . . the time had come to know, but still she knew once the words were spoken her world would never be the same. Nothing would be the same. She wasn't ready. She couldn't wait.

"Georgiana died on a Monday." Elizabeth dropped the plate from her lap and began to sob, but it seemed now that Stephen had begun he meant to tell her all. "You had fallen ill three days earlier and had not so much as stirred but William had been awake and regained some strength. Dr. Tate knew she was going to pass and we brought him to her side. She awoke just before the end and they . . . she knew we were with her."

Though his voice was detached Elizabeth saw the pain in his eyes through her own tears. Georgiana was like a sister to him. He had known her all her life. His pain must be overwhelming, but Elizabeth could barely think of that as her own was suffocating her. It had been a mere five years since they had met but she and Georgiana had been nearly inseparable since her marriage. Except for Elizabeth's wedding tour of the continent and a few other brief trips apart they had lived together this whole time, kept house together, traveled together, served Pemberley together, played music together. There was so much together in her life with Georgiana Elizabeth literally could not imagine a day here in her own home without the young girl's quiet smile, her lyrical laughter, her tentative teasing, her . . . presence. She had become a sister in every way. That she was gone was something Elizabeth could not fully understand. But there was more and before she let in the truth of what had happened seep in and pierce her soul she needed to know it all.

Stephen was watching her closely. His pain was fresh, raw even, but Elizabeth saw a degree of control there she could not comprehend. She reminded herself that he was much more familiar with death than she was. After taking a deep breath and trying to push the pain of Georgiana as far down as it would go she nodded slightly indicating he should continue.

"Elizabeth," the uncertainty in his voice confirmed her worst fears.

"Say it," she demanded in a shaking voice as she tried to stand.

"Elizabeth, you are weak. Please . . . at least sit down."

"Stephen. Say it!" she shouted as loudly as her still suffering body would allow rising fully from her chair as she did so.

Stephen tried to force her back into her seat but Elizabeth found strength enough to resist him. Remaining on her feet she gripped his arms and repeated her demand. He looked down at her, his eyes pleading even as she did. He wanted to be freed from this duty, but she could not release him. She needed him.

"We thought he was getting better. After Georgiana . . . he was eating and drinking. He sat by your side for a day and night, but then . . . he collapsed the next morning. Dr. Tate thought he would recover, that it was just a setback. He had been here every day trying to get him to take fluids, bring the fever down, anything."

"Stephen please." She begged.

"He died on January the twenty-ninth." His earlier words had been frantic as if in telling the story he could keep the truth from reaching her. These words, these final, devastating, life altering words were said with a detached inevitability as were his next. "He regained consciousness for a few minutes, but the fever was so high he was barely coherent. It was just after dawn."

The words swirled around, above and beneath her. She couldn't let them in. Wouldn't. Then it was as if those softly spoken truths were being shouted inside her head. Fitzwilliam was dead. Her husband was dead. Her husband.

"No." She had meant to shout it but the word she intended to ward off the horrible reality came out as a strangled whisper. And then she collapsed.


	5. Chapter 5

Day 12

"I warned you that she was not strong enough to hear the truth." Dr. Tate said softly. Elizabeth allowed herself to listen before opening her eyes and alerting anyone to the fact of her being awake.

"There was never going to be a time when she could hear the news that her husband was dead and she could bear it cheerfully, doctor." Stephen said sharply. "Elizabeth would not allow us to keep her in the dark for long. She is mistress here and as soon as she has a mite of strength would insist on being so."

"Well that mite of strength is gone now and I do not know that it will come back. I cannot help but think this setback could have been prevent had we but waited . . ." Dr. Tate put in.

"Stephen is right." Elizabeth said and they all turned quickly to see her regarding them with clear eyes. "I needed to know but you are right as well. I was not strong enough. However; I will never be strong enough to bear that news. Not today, not tomorrow, or ever. It is better that I know now and you can all stop tip toeing around me."

They seemed at a loss for words, but Dr. Tate quickly recovered and moved to the bedside to examine her. He seemed unable to meet her eyes, but his touch was gentle.

"The fever is low, but not gone. It has been two days. I am hopeful if you are kept isolated until it is entirely gone from Derbyshire you will make a full recovery." Dr. Tate assured her.

This should have been good news, but it was only news. Elizabeth knew that although he was wrong about wanting to wait to tell her about her husband's death he was right that the news, the truth, was more than she could handle. She did not have the strength to bear it and go on. She could not go on. Did not want to.

'Thank you, Doctor, I think I will rest now."

Stephen and the doctor both bowed and left the room. Stephen's look of pain and regret barely penetrated Elizabeth's mind as she reached toward the oblivion of sleep.

Days 13

Elizabeth woke with decided reluctance and not an insignificant amount of confusion. The world around seemed out of focus. She shivered under her blankets and allowed herself to slip quickly back into the unconscious world.

Day 14

When next she woke Elizabeth discovered quickly that some of her former weakness was gone. She barely had time to register this potentially good news before the memory of her conversation with Stephen, of her loss swept over her like a tidal wave. She tried to catch her breath, pushing back the truth and focusing only on the immediate needs of her body. Reaching for the ever-present glass beside her she was able to lift it with little trouble and swallow several times. Moving to sit up she realized too that her fever may have broken as her body no longer betrayed her with shivers and shakes. A noise in the doorway drew her notice and the sharp turn caused some pain to her head. It was somehow comforting to know that she was not entirely well.

"Mrs. Darcy," Mary, the upstairs maid nearly shouted. "You are awake. I must go fetch Sir Stephen."

Before Elizabeth could utter a word either in opposition or support the girl was gone. Not a minute later Stephen appeared.

"Elizabeth." The smile on his face completely belied his appearance. It was, as she had become used to of late, disheveled. "You are awake." He approached the bed as he said this and gently laid his hand on her brow. "The fever has truly broken." With this he sunk into the chair and hung his head.

Elizabeth could not share his joy at her apparent recovery. In truth, she had clung to illness these past few days, chasing delirium and unconsciousness. Here, now was what she had feared. The truth of what she had lost threatened to overwhelm her again at any moment. With the clarity of a broken fever she now had to contend with a broken life. A broken heart. A broken spirit. If she were to survive, and she was still not entirely certain she wanted to, she needed to think, act and feel everything, but that which mattered most.

"Shall we ring for some food?" she asked.

Stephen seemed taken aback by her question and remained uncertain as to his response for some moments.

"Is something amiss below stairs?" Elizabeth asked. "Is there fever again in the house?"

"No, it is simply . . . I am surprised to hear you have an appetite.' He said, then added, "pleasantly surprised." Though it was clear he wanted to say more, he did not.

"In addition, Dr. Tate insisted I not maintain any hopes as to your swift recovery. Our opinions as to how to treat you differ greatly and he was quite upset with me. I was afraid he was right when it appeared you might have suffered a relapse due to . . ."

"Well I seem to be defying him so you mustn't worry." Elizabeth said quickly, not wanting to talk about what had caused her to take to her bed for the past several days.

"Excellent." He said with a lopsided grin, that felt forced and natural all at once. "Then I will ring for that food you requested. Mrs. Patmore will be beside herself with glee at the prospect of serving you so I suspect I will enjoy collateral benefits as I doubt you will be able to consume half of what she sends up."

"You would have me believe the staff has not been spoiling you and I know that is not true. You have always been a favorite."

"Perhaps."

"I will take my meal here and I suppose Dr. Tate will desire me to remain in bed for the remainder of the day but beginning tomorrow I will need to attend to matters." At Stephen's look of incredulity, she amended, "as much as I am able as I continue to recover."

"Elizabeth," he began in a gentle, conciliatory tone. "there is no need to rush into things. I am able to handle those things that are of immediate concern and all else will keep until you are well enough to . . ."

"Stephen," Elizabeth interrupted. "One of my very favorite things about you is that you have never deigned to coddle me or treat me as something fragile or delicate." She nearly choked on this word as a favorite debate between she and William was whether she should be characterized as delicate. He thought it the perfect descriptor for her due to her small size. He often used it as a reason to behave in a way he called protective and she, occasionally, called overbearing.

"You know I view you as the heartiest of women, Lizzy." He said, wisely removing all placation from his tone," but you are recovering not only from illness but also loss."

Elizabeth tried to maintain her composure in the face of this reminder. In order to move on together there were things she would need from him.

"Stephen, I must ask something of you. Something you may not want to give me."

"Elizabeth, you know I would do anything for you, to help you through this." This was said with such earnest hope that Elizabeth's heart nearly broke all over again thinking about all that he too had lost.

"What I need from you," she took a deep breath and rushed to explain. "I will confess to you now and only now that I am barely maintaining my composure. Each breath is torture, something I force myself to do not because I want to but because I must. I cannot imagine how I will survive the next minute, hour or day or where I will find the desire to. I will survive the only way I can see to, by not . . . Stephen, I can't . . . please don't ask me to speak of it, of them, of him. I am not ready."

"When you are ready." He said with as much gentleness as he dared. She nodded as if she believed she would ever be ready.

The food, which was as plentiful as Stephen predicted, arrived shortly thereafter and they ate in companionable silence. Their meal was interrupted constantly by servants who all seemed to find an excuse to come in to the room to congratulate Elizabeth on her recovery. Afterwards Elizabeth did feel fatigued by the small exertion but told Stephen she would sit up and read for several hours at least to begin to establish regular hours. Stephen left her to her own devices with a slightly skeptical look as to her plan.

Abigail, who had resumed her duties that afternoon, found her sitting in her chair beside the bed, asleep, her book in her lap. Before retiring Elizabeth made Abigail promise to wake her in the morning with the idea of inaugurating some sort of routine outside of resting and eating. Although she realized it would by necessity involve much more rest than she would like.

Day 15

Elizabeth awoke on her own several hours after dawn feeling the effects of her illness. She considered what would come next. The past weeks, she thought perhaps two, her decisions had been made for her and consciousness had come but rarely. Now she was faced with a body that seemed to not want to return to the oblivion of sleep, the only place where she felt safe, and a mind that vacillated between utter blankness and memories which left her feeling bereft and empty. With no desire to do so somehow her body had healed while others perished. It seemed a cruel joke and yet she must determine how to live with it or more likely how to survive it.

She rang for a surprised Abigail to help her change and prepare for breakfast. This was the first of many days which marked a beginning and an end for Elizabeth. It was the beginning of waking in the morning and eating regularly for the first time in nearly a month. It was also an end. An end of the days having any personal meaning or of Elizabeth investing any feeling in the motions she undertook to maintain her life. She ate to gain strength not for enjoyment. She interacted with Stephen and the servants as she needed to, but could hardly muster any concern for those who were still sick or joy for those who had recovered. The most she could feel was sorrow at her own apathy. Or perhaps it was just sorrow.


	6. Chapter 6

Day 16

Elizabeth stared out the window of her sitting room trying to remember that when she turned she would not see William beside her. On the mantle was a dancing figurine he had bought her to commemorate their first ball as husband and wife. She tried not to remember the feel of his gloved hands against hers that night or how his brown eyes sparkled in the candlelight. Looking at the adjoining door, which led to his room, she tried to remember he would not walk through it and tell her about his day, tell her he loved her. She listened to the crackling of the fire and tried not to remember the last time he stoked it. In the next moment when Stephen rose to do that very thing she tried not to scream at him not to touch the poker, the poker William had held. She did not succeed in any of this. Stephen had not looked surprised by her outburst but continued to stand by the mantle as if perhaps he too had things he was doing to hold off his grief. Part of her wished she could help him, his suffering might be equal to her own, his losses nearly as incalculable as hers, but she could not. All she had strength to do was sit in that chair and try to remember and not remember.

They were waiting for Bates, William's valet. He had requested a moment of their time before he left. Having indicated a wish to retire now that his services were no longer required he had asked to meet with both Mrs. Darcy and Sir Stephen before returning to London to live with his daughter. His imminent arrival was making it harder for her to maintain her façade of composure. Bates had served the Darcy family since William's father had been a young man and he knew William better than almost anyone. William had loved him. Though she tried not to let it, the memory of her last encounter with Bates played in her mind.

 _Elizabeth walked in to their room to find her husband squirming under his valet's ministrations._

" _Mrs. Darcy will you please have a word with him?"_

" _Bates, you know I am ever on your side in any dispute which arises between you and Mr. Darcy. How may I be of assistance?"_

" _I seem to recall certain vows taken a scant few years ago that should give me priority in this situation." William grumbled._

" _Hush, love, Bates and I are speaking." She admonished but softened her words with a kiss to his brow while his valet continued to attempt a shave despite his master's irregular movements._

" _He is so eager to test his new mount against his cousin that he will not allow me to make him completely presentable." Bates responded gruffly. Elizabeth, as always, enjoyed her banter with William's valet. Having learned very early on in their marriage that he, like Mrs. Reynolds, did not show the deference the other servants did to their master. Perhaps by virtue of their many years of service and having known William and Georgie as children, they alone among the staff were permitted a degree of frankness and familiarity which suited Elizabeth quite well._

" _I do not need to look like a dandy to best Stephen." William pointed out._

" _You have never looked the part of a dandy a day in your life under this man's faithful care. Now sit still and do as you're told." Elizabeth said with a smile, adding, "you know how much I appreciate a freshly shaved jaw."_

 _With a look, she conveyed to him all the times she had expressed her appreciation for his cleanly shaved face. After that he uttered not one word of objection. Bates finished his task, cleaned his supplies, laid out a fresh set and slipped from the room._

" _Now, dear wife I have done as you asked. What is my reward?" He inquired, engulfing her in an embrace._

" _A handsome face and a happy Bates." She declared with a smile. His face fell at this but she would not be moved. "I am sorry but I have no time for anything else. Georgie and I are to visit the Mores this morning and I am to the kitchens to see to the baskets."_

" _Very well I will release you." He conceded with obvious reluctance. "But only if you promise me several thousand kisses in return."_

" _I believe I can accommodate that request." Elizabeth responded pulling out of his arms, her mind already on the tasks of the day._

She did not fulfill her promise, she did not savor those final moments. How soon were they swept into the nightmare of grief and death? Why had she not stayed in his arms for just a moment longer? The regret was crushing.

"Mrs. Darcy?" Stephen was speaking, Bates at his side. It was clear this was not the first time he had tried to get her attention.

"My apologies, Stephen." She said rising. "Bates." She held out her hands. The older man's eyes were shining with unshed tears. He took her hands into his own and expressed his sorrow at her loss saying a few words about what a great man Mr. Darcy was.

"I won't take up too much of yer time." He said, after the condolences were over. "I have been charged with a task and I mean to complete it. Though I wish, I honestly never imagined I would have to see it through."

Surprised at this speech Elizabeth nodded for Bates to continue. He removed two envelopes from his pocket.

"About three months ago Mr. Darcy entrusted these to me." He began, taking a moment to clear his throat and then dry his eyes. "He indicated that if something were to happen to him I was to deliver these to you. I never thought . . . He was the best of men. If you will excuse me"

Elizabeth was stunned speechless but Stephen seemed able to speak a few words with Bates, dismiss him and even take the offered envelopes. When he turned back to her she looked at them in confusion.

"He wrote us letters?"

"Bates indicated there had been one for Georgiana . . ." Stephen tripped on her name, it seemed to get stuck in his throat. Elizabeth did not think they had said either of their names out loud yet. "for Georgiana as well."

They considered this in silence, the letters in Stephen's hands, but she could not make herself reach out and take it. Stephen seemed equally incapable of movement. How long they stood there immobile, indecisive she did not know, but it was the arrival of Mrs. Reynolds that altered their positions.

"I have brought tea," she said, placing the tray on the low table. Grief still hung on her like an oppressive weight, but she moved about anyway as if daring it to try and stop her. "Do you require anything further, Mrs. Darcy?" she asked gently, looking at Elizabeth in her kind and motherly way. Elizabeth and Stephen had placed themselves in the chairs beside the table the envelopes before them on the table.

"No, thank you, Mrs. Reynolds." Elizabeth responded, tearing her eyes from the envelopes for a moment.

"Why would he have written letters for after . . ." Stephen asked. "Why three months ago?"

Elizabeth had a feeling she knew and although she was less certain she could bear what he might have said at that time she was never one to cower before that which she feared. Reaching for the envelope she said, "I think I know."

Trying not to spend any time on the outside which had no more than her name is his bold scrawling script she turned it over and broke the seal. Noting that an object shared space with the paper within she could not pay it much attention.

Beloved,

Here already she was uncertain if she could bear anymore. She was his beloved no longer. He was gone. How could he have done that? How could he have left her? But no, she could not be angry with him, could she?

While it is my dearest wish that your words yesterday by the lake would prove true and that this letter will not find you for another forty years

The lake. She had suspected their conversation that day had precipitated these letters when Bates indicated they were written three months ago. She had forced him to think about her demise and so it was, she supposed, only natural that he would consider his own as well. Being William, he would have to be quite thorough about it. Given the nature of their conversation she was fairly certain she knew what this letter would say and she more certain she did not want to hear it.

I know that my power only goes so far. And therefore, I want you to know what I would want for you when I am gone just as you expressed your desires for me last night. Please know, my love, that I do not make these requests lightly as I am sure you did not make yours.

She could not read anymore. It was all too much and she knew she could not keep her feelings at bay much longer if she read on – anger, hurt, pain, confusion, loss, sorrow all pushed at her. Looking up she saw Stephen had not opened his letter but held it in his hands.

"You will not read yours?" she asked more to distract herself than out of any real curiosity.

"I miss him." He said, his voice empty and Elizabeth's walls began to crumble. "I do not think I could bear it just now. Shall I ring for Abigail?"

Elizabeth understood. He wanted to escape the letter, escape her. To be somewhere where he could fall apart perhaps or somewhere where he could more easily stay together.

"Yes, thank you."

"Good evening."


	7. Chapter 7

**Apologies for the long delay. Editing is taking a little longer than I thought. This one is extra long so hopefully that makes up for it a little. Looking ahead I think the next few chapters will be a little easier to get up to fighting weight so I should be able to get them up more quickly. Thanks for reading and let me know your thoughts.**

Days 17- 46

Elizabeth would awake each morning and after several moments, or sometimes longer, become aware enough to remember. The fever. The struggle. She was alone. William was gone. Life was empty. That hazy place between slumber and awareness seemed a haven she was continually expelled from into a world she no longer wanted to participate in.

The days blended into one another. Elizabeth's physical strength was slowly returning. This she resented deeply, though she knew it was unreasonable. Somehow it felt like her body was betraying her, healing and returning to normal when nothing else ever would. Needing activity to fill her days and her mind Elizabeth began to resume her duties slowly. She began by reviewing the household accounts with Mrs. Reynolds and tenant matters with Mr. Prentice. After several weeks, when the snow had been sufficiently cleared, she also began receiving the occasional condolence call from neighbors. These were more a trial than comfort, but Elizabeth endured them. Elizabeth endured everything. This was how she came to view life. An exercise in endurance.

Things settled in to a routine of sorts after a while. After the first few weeks Dr. Tate stopped coming by quite so regularly to check on her and the staff, everyone's healing was nearly complete. The fever left Derbyshire nearly as quickly as it had come, but of course it also left scars of all kinds.

The road into Lambton was cleared in late February. Unfortunately, this happened just before another storm which dropped an additional round of snow on the county and thus the roads remained passable but it was still difficult to get either in or out of Lambton without a sleigh.

It took several weeks for Elizabeth to be brought up to date on all the household and estate issues she had missed while she had been ill. Stephen, who had been regularly attending to matters around Pemberley and meeting with its steward during that time, helped acquaint her with the important things that had happened and continued to assist her while she recovered after several attempts to dissuade her from resuming her duties so quickly.

He tried exactly two times to speak of William and Georgiana during the weeks of her initial recovery. The first came while they took tea after meeting with Mr. Prentice regarding a tenant family whose home was damaged in the storm. After discussing how to help the family for a few minutes Stephen reached into his pocket.

"Elizabeth, I apologize for not having these for you sooner." He held two objects. She immediately understood what they meant. There was a box on her bureau which contained several similar items. Mourning rings. She stared at them, resting in his hand. Gold with engravings on each side. Simple. Tasteful. She could see the cover that she imagined would turn and reveal a lock of hair. Even the thought felt too heavy to hold. "They were not ready for the funeral. I sent Mr. and Mrs. Bingley's to Stanborn this morning."

"I can't." She said, still staring at the offending objects resting in his palm.

"You don't need to do anything, Elizabeth. It is simply a tradition. I thought you might want them as a way to remember."

"You think I need jewelry to help me remember?" she asked. "You think I need help remembering at all? You think remembering is what I want? Is there a ring you could have made that would help me forget? That is a ring I would like to possess."

She had not lost her temper, not raised her voice or shown any emotion in this speech. But she felt it. Close to the surface now. Her sorrow, pain and anger threatened to overtake her.

"Excuse me." She said, leaving the room without taking the rings or indeed sparing them another glance. She also did not speak to Stephen for two days after that. This was done by means of avoidance and not outright rudeness. Elizabeth simply kept to her bed feigning exhaustion when he was in the house.

The second time he attempted to speak of them was several weeks later. A couple, the Penroses, had called to pay their respects. Elizabeth had now known them long, but knew her husband had been fond of Mr. Penrose. They had met several times in London, at social functions and dined at each other's homes on a few occasions. However; the gentleman had attended school with both her husband and Stephen. He seemed to be genuinely grieved at learning of his friend's passing. He and Stephen spent much of the visit sharing stories of their days at Cambridge. Elizabeth had not contributed much beyond the pleasantries required of a hostess. Though she tried to guard herself, she soaked up every detail the gentlemen shared of their time at school and later at their fencing club. Pieces of his life he had not spoken of in much detail to her.

"I am sorry if I added to your sorrow, old friend." Mr. Penrose said as he and his wife took their leave. Stephen had grown quiet toward to end of their visit.

"Do not worry, Adam." Stephen said, not denying the truth of his friend's words. "It is worth the pain to speak of him. To remember." Adam nodded and then turned to Elizabeth.

"I imagine we will not you see you in London until next season, Mrs. Darcy?"

Less than two months. This was all Elizabeth could think in response. It had been less two months since . . . she still could not even think the words and he wanted to know when she would be engaging in a London season? Never, would be the answer if she could help it. Then as if reading her thoughts, Mrs. Penrose said, "I know it may seem a callous question at this time. My husband was only thinking of your many friends and acquaintances in London who would wish to see you and offer their condolences who would not otherwise get the chance."

Elizabeth reminded herself - these were good people, whom she liked. Whom he had liked.

"Of course." She said with a smile. "I do not know yet what my plans are for the upcoming season, but if I find myself in London I would welcome the opportunity to see you both. My husband valued your friendship, Mr. Penrose. He spoke of you often." It was the truth and she imagined it might offer some comfort to this man to know his friend thought well of him.

"Thank you, Mrs. Darcy.' He said, eyes full. "You are as good and kind as Darcy always said and he said much in your favor."

"And often." Mrs. Penrose added with a smile.

After they were gone Stephen escorted Elizabeth back to the small sitting room where they often spent their afternoons reading or working. There were still many rooms Elizabeth had not been able to enter and this was one they had rarely used previously so it held few memories to haunt her.

"You smiled." He said as he stoked the fire. "William loved your smile. He used to say that nothing ever made him as proud as when he made you smile so brightly your eyes shone."

Stephen's back was to her, but she heard the pain in his voice, knew what his eyes would look like now. A dull blue etched with the memories of his best friend. Her husband. She could bear the talk of acquaintances, of old friends even. They were distant somehow. Like viewing something through a glass. She could protect herself. But not with Stephen. Not with the one person who knew him almost as well as she did who could expose everything she sought to contain.

She stood.

"If you will excuse me. I have a matter which requires my attention. I must speak with Mrs. Reynolds."

She left.

He bowed.

She saw his eyes.

A dull blue etched with the pain of a sorrow she would not share. If she was capable of feeling a pain beyond her own she would take on his, but she knew she could not bear it. Wishing she was stronger Elizabeth sought the refuge of her chambers and when Abigail woke her to ask if she would like to join Stephen for the evening meal she declined. Indeed, she did not allow herself to be alone with him for the rest of the week and this seemed to cure him of the need to speak of them.

Day 57

One morning after breakfast the routine, which had only recently been reestablished, was threatened once again.

"Your father is on his way." Stephen said.

"I am surprised he is leaving my mother and little Thomas." Elizabeth said quietly. She felt conflicted about her father visiting. She at once longed to see him and dreaded it. Since her father and mother had done what no one thought they would – gave Longbourn an heir in the form of four-year old Thomas - he was surprisingly sentimental and engaged. Elizabeth had attributed the change to having his first son in his old age and nearly losing his wife in childbirth. Her mother remained weak and subdued to this day. She and her father had remained close because, to her great surprise, he was a regular correspondent.

"He wrote that Mary and her husband returned from visiting his family in the south last week. Which is why, of course, she has not been here yet. With them in the neighborhood Mr. Bennett felt that your mother and brother would be well taken care of and that you were in great need of family as he put it." Elizabeth thought she perceived some offense from Stephen as these words from her father. "He explained all of this in his most recent letter." He said, indicating the pile of letters which sat unopened on the table beside the sofa. She had opened many letters in the past few weeks, but her personal correspondence was still much neglected.

When Elizabeth made no answer, but continued to read her book he went on.

"Jane has also written that she would like to send Bingley or suggests perhaps you might come to Stanborn as they do not know when Jane will be able to travel and she greatly desires to see you. I have not responded to either her or Bingley's most recent letters as I wanted to ascertain your feelings on the matter. Perhaps you and your father could travel there together?"

Elizabeth knew Stephen was waiting for her response. His words indicated as much. His eyes resting on her supported this as did his subsequent silence. But now that Mr. Bennet was coming whether she wanted him to or not Elizabeth was not certain what he expected her to say. As to Jane, she knew her sister must be grieving in her own right. She loved them too and her tender heart would break for that alone, but add to this her great love for Elizabeth and her inability to comfort her. Elizabeth knew she would be desperate to be near her. This would be overshadowing her pleasure at giving birth to a daughter. Little Lizzy. That joyful event was the very one preventing Jane from doing that which she must now desire most to do. Comfort Elizabeth. Lizzy had been very small, apparently. Elizabeth had read Jane's letters at least. Jane could not risk leaving her, even with an experienced wet-nurse when she was feeding so well with Jane. Indeed, it would have gone against all her instincts as a mother in any case. In addition, the birth had been difficult. This she did not learn from Jane's letter but from Bingley's to Stephen. Jane had been weakened and the doctor advised against any travel for the time being. If she had any heart left, if it wasn't buried in the church yard at Kympton, it would certainly go out to her sister. She only knew she could not bear Jane's loving presence. It would break her.

"I think perhaps we should allow Mr. and Mrs. Bingley more time with their newest little one before we ask them to share our grief. I do not wish to inflict that on them just now. I would wish my father to travel there without me."

"Elizabeth, you cannot always be thinking of others, especially now. They want to be there for you. To be with you."

"I am afraid you are contradicting yourself, Stephen. You tell me to think of myself and then use my sister and her husband's desire to be with me as the reason I should allow it. Which is it? Are my needs primary or theirs?"

Stephen was on his knees in front of her in an instant. Taking her hands in his he began, "Yours, Elizabeth. Always, yours. But I do not know what to do. You are so distant from anything that is not related to the estate, the tenants, the investments. So removed from everything personal. I only want to help. But I am no expert, I have no idea how."

"Help what, Stephen?" Elizabeth demanded throwing his hands off and standing up, cursing the feeling of weakness that still plagued her. "Help what?"

"Help you through this." He replied with equal ferocity standing up as well, looking down at her flushed face. "I watch you with your neighbors, with your servants, even your friends, people who you have known and loved, some for years and their words, their stories, don't touch you. Nothing moves you."

"Of course nothing moves me. How could it? You speak of helping me through. Through the grief I assume. I imagine you think there is something waiting for me on the other side of it? Well, there is not. I assure you. There is nothing for me, not now, not ever. I have . . ." a sob choked her and Elizabeth paused in shock. She had not meant to allow any feeling in, just to explain to Stephen why he had to leave her alone, why she did not need his help. There simply was nothing for her. No life, no future, no feeling. But here she was with a painful emotion ripping through her even as she spoke words denying their existence. "I have lost all that which makes up a life and have left only that . . ." another sob. She pushed it down. Talking was a mistake. Letting any emotion in, even anger, was a mistake. She tried again to push it down **,** but the tears flowed even as she continued. "There is nothing for me Stephen, surely you must see that. You of all people. Who loved them too. What is left for me without his love? What is left? Not life. Just survival." She stood holding the sobs at bay though she could feel them somewhere inside of her.

"Elizabeth, no." Stephen said softly. "Darcy would not want that. You know he would not. He loved you too much. Too well. You cannot do this. Let go. Please."

His words pierced her armor but it was the heartbroken look in his ice blue eyes as well as the unshed tears shimmering there that truly broke her. She had tried to keep herself from any feeling but her own anger, voicing her own despair and seeing Stephen's sadness - it was too much. Elizabeth felt it all, all of the loss, despair, sadness, loneliness, sorrow, anger, pain, fear and confusion she had bound up moments after Stephen gave her the news of William's death. It brought her to her knees. Stephen moved to catch her.

"No," she cried. "Do not touch me. Leave me." When he retracted his arms but did not leave she screamed louder. "Leave me, now!" And although he looked entirely reluctant he moved away, but remained standing in the doorway.

Elizabeth collapsed in to a ball on the floor and let the sobs and the sorrow overtake her. She allowed her mind to dwell on all that she had lost. First on her beloved sister who had not yet seen her twenty-first birthday. Who had never known what it was to be loved by a man. Who played the piano with precision and enjoyment. Who loved Elizabeth and William with such selfless purity. Never again would they embrace after a short absence. Never again would they share secrets late in to the night. Never again would they play duets for a smiling William.

Then she thought of her husband and she nearly fainted with the pain and grief that gripped her because for the first time she acceptedthe truth that he was really gone. It had taken almost the full first year of their marriage for her totruly believe that he was hers and loved her as deeply and fully as he professed. It had seemed almost too good to be true. But once she believed this it became part of her soul. And now that part was ripped away and she felt it like a physical pain as though she was bleeding and broken. When Stephen knelt beside her and placed his hands on her shoulders she shook him off.

"Go." She begged quietly. And finally, he did as she asked.

Elizabeth did not know how much time passed, but at some point she became aware that she had soaked the skirt of her dress with her tears and her stomach hurt from the wrenching sobs as she uncurled herself. Placing her hands on one of the chairs Elizabeth moved to rise, but just the sight of the room where she had shared hundreds of spirited discussions, stolen kisses, mundane moments with William made her collapse in to it. However; closing her eyes and resting her weight on the chair didn't help. The familiar smell of the candles burning, the familiar feel of the fabric of the chair, the familiar sound of the crackling fire all wreaked havoc as the sweet memories made in this room tortured her. Knowing she would never again make another good memory here or anywhere. Again she drifted in and out of consciousness, memory and dream only to be brought back to reality by Mrs. Reynolds' gentle voice.

"Mrs. Darcy, we have come to help you to bed."

Elizabeth knew she must have acknowledged this somehow as she felt herself being helped from the chair by Abigail. She was also vaguely aware of being helped out of her gown, but as she watched it being taken away she left the present she remembered the last time she had worn in, with William and for the first time in many weeks she gladly lost herself in the memory.

" _Elizabeth, what are you wearing?" William asked even as he automatically rose to his feet when she entered their siting room._

" _I don't know what you mean, William." She answered with a smile turning her back to him. "Could you please fasten the top button? Abigail was called away."_

" _You mean my aunt called her away." William said with a frown. "Because she insists on taking your maid away for Anne. It is just one of many ways she tries to undermine you."_

" _If we kept more maids like she has advised me in the past it would not be an issue. Or at least I am sure that is what she would say if we brought it up. So please let us not bring it up. Besides, I for one do not object to having you help me dress. Do you mind?"_

" _You know I do not." He responded doing up the button and drawing her against him. They looked at each other in the mirror over the fireplace. "I only wish you were not so reasonable in your handling of my unreasonable aunt."_

" _And why is that?"_

" _Because I want to be unreasonable. I want to throw her out of our home until she pays you the respect you are due as my wife and as mistress here."_

" _That is one approach." Elizabeth said with a smile._

' _And another has something to do with this dress?" He asked smiling in return._

" _Is there something wrong with my attire, Mr. Darcy?"_

" _Ah, I am Mr. Darcy now?"_

" _You are currently harboring some Mr. Darcy like thoughts about my dress. Is it because it is one of the few I have retained from my days as Miss Bennet?"_

" _You rarely wear anything from before we were married. I was just interested to know what prompted you to do so." William asked as they moved to the door both knowing that if they arrived in the breakfast room a moment after Lady Catherine they would receive a serious reprimand._

" _I am dressing myself as she sees me. Perhaps it is my own form of rebellion." Elizabeth said with a hint of mischief. "And here is another." With that she wrapped her arms around William's neck and drew him back in to the room. They were very late for breakfast and were duly upbraided throughout the meal. Both felt it had been entirely worth it._

Day 58

After a night spent tossing and turning vacillating between sweet dreams of a life filled with love and happiness and nightmares of an all too present reality without meaning or purpose Elizabeth fought consciousness as light fell against her eyelids. Awareness pushed at her, but Elizabeth tried to hide from it. Slowly she found she had nowhere to go. The torrent of emotions from the previous evening had left a physical mark. She ached as if she was feverish again, though she knew she was not.

When she could avoid it no longer she opened her eyes to find Abigail busy in the corner of her chambers. Elizabeth knew her loyal maid was at her bedside not to perform a task but to check on her well-being after her display last evening.

"Abigail, do not be concerned." Elizabeth murmured responding to her clearly concerned servant when she would rather be reaching for her dream. Abigail might have even thought her mistress' illness had returned. "I am well." A lie, but one she hoped could bring comfort. A lie that might have seemed difficult to believe as Elizabeth chose to reach for sleep once again and did not return to wakefulness for many hours that day or the next several days. Dreams seemed a much more pleasant alternative.

Day 62

"Elizabeth, wake up." A firm male voice spoke into her chosen darkness.

"Elizabeth." This voice was familiar yet foreign to her. Although she was by no means ready to leave her dreams her body refused to obey her commands to go back to sleep.

"Lizzy!" Now there was no mistaking that voice and Elizabeth was fully awake.

"Papa?" She blinked against the sunlight to find her father standing beside her desk, where she had apparently fallen asleep. He had his hands on his hips an expression of concern and exasperation on his beloved face.

"Yes, child." He sat down beside her and drew her into his arms. Elizabeth allowed herself to be held and sobbed deeply, not even sure why. Eventually, Elizabeth lifted her head and held the handkerchief her father offered.

"I am so glad you're here." She said at last and was surprised that she did feel something like joy at his presence.

"Lizzy, I would have come sooner if not for the blasted roads. This north country is far too primitive." He offered her a small smile which she tried to return. "Come, your Mrs. Padmore has laid out a veritable feast and I am told if you don't eat immediately serious tactics will be used to persuade you."

"Very well." Elizabeth said reaching for the bell. "Allow me some time to refresh myself. I will meet you in the sitting room in half an hour."

After Abigail had worked her magic on Elizabeth's hair, which did not fair well after her desk nap, she emerged from the dressing room with one of her new mourning gowns. Elizabeth had hardly paid attention to the ordering of this hated wardrobe. She insisted on wearing full mourning of course but did not care what she looked like beyond displaying her grief. What struck her now was how like another gown this one looked and she was immediately brought back to when she had first worn that gown and the gift she received from her husband that day.

" _That blue suits you." A familiar deep voice declared from the doorway. Elizabeth turned sparkling eyes to behold the form of her handsome husband of five months entering her suite. He nodded curtly to Abigail who bobbed a quick curtsy and fled the room._

" _Please stop scaring my maid, William." Elizabeth said trying to sound stern, but it was hard when he was smiling at her that way. His brown eyes twinkled ever so slightly and even though his lips only turned up a little at the sides it transformed his whole face. He became a new man. The man she had come to see as one she could not live without. Whose happiness was so tied up with her own that she was sure theirs was a love story like no other. It was a face she loved more dearly every day._

" _And what are you thinking with that far-off look in your eye?" He asked coming to a stop before her, leaning in and bracing his arms on either side of her on the vanity behind her._

 _His nearness still made her somewhat lightheaded. But she would not let him have the upper hand._

" _I was just trying to remember how it was I let you talk me in to marrying you?"_

" _I'm sure I don't know. It certainly took some doing." He answered. "But perhaps it was because you anticipated my ability to procure the necessary accessories for your new gowns."_

 _With that he pulled from his pocket an exquisite diamond and sapphire necklace. Before Elizabeth could protest or admire it properly he had stepped back and secured it around her neck._

" _That must have been it." She said softly touching the necklace gently and looking in his eyes in the mirror._

" _Well, thank goodness I have accounted for it or you might have spent the next fifty years wondering."_

" _Indeed. The only mystery left for us to solve now is how one so impertinent and clearly not handsome enough to do any tempting could have used her arts and allurements to draw in one so adept at gifting such alluring accessories."_

" _Shall I pay for that comment for the rest of our lives, my bewitching wife?" He asked with the faintest hint of a whine._

" _No, I promise." She told him with mock solemnity. "After forty years I will only bring it up at balls and assemblies."_

" _I suppose I must be satisfied with that."_

" _I suppose you shall. Now kiss me."_

" _There is that impertinence I fell in love with. No other woman would dare to order about the Master of Pemberley with such impunity."_

" _I should hope not. Now do as you're told."_

" _Yes, Ma'am." He said gravely leaning in to do as he was bidden. "I really do like that dress."_

"Mistress."

Elizabeth was recalled to the present by Abigail who appeared to be trying to get her attention, not for the first time.

"Yes, I am sorry, Abigail." Elizabeth stood and went through the motions as she and her maid worked to get her in to the dress.

Elizabeth knew something was amiss when Stephen and her father arrived at her sitting room doorat the same time with identical looks of concern. They however chose not to share the cause of their concern with her until they concluded their meal. The talk consisted of the goings on at Longbourn for the most part.

"Your brother is running us all ragged at home. He most definitely takes after you." Her father said with a fond smile.

"And how is that?" Elizabeth asked. "When we were there in the summer he was very excited about frogs."

"Yes, he has not given up that particular passion but merely added to it."

"Added?" She asked with a smile picturing her brother as she had last seen him fare welling their carriage from a roadside creek, his harassed governess on the bank.

"Yes, snakes, crickets, field mice and spiders now all find their home in his growing collection."

"I hope he still keeps it in the barn." Elizabeth asked as Stephen laughed.

"Of course. Little king though he is even he would not be permitted to bring those kinds of friends inside."

"How is mother?" Elizabeth asked before she could stop herself. What if she wasn't strong enough to hear the answer?

"The same." Mr. Bennet admitted after a moment's hesitation. "She visits with Thomas every morning when her energy is highest. Then after resting most of the day she is often able to take the evening meal with us. Maria has been a wonderful companion for her. As much as it pains me to be wrong she has been exactly what your mother needs."

"I knew her high spirits would serve Mama well and after her heartbreak with Mr. Waverly in London I imagined she would not want to be at home with her mother. It seemed the perfect solution."

When the meal finally concluded Stephen took a deep breath and seemed to steal himself for something.

"Elizabeth would you join me in your study?" Stephen asked. "Your father is welcome as well."

Mr. Bennet nodded as if he knew what was to come.

"To what end?" she asked. They worked in her study most days. Although she had been avoiding it for the past few days prior to her father's arrival she and Stephen worked there together for part of nearly every day so this seemed an unnecessary request.

"Elizabeth," her father began taking her hands in his. With a quick squeeze she removed her hands from her father's and stood to face the person she knew, or at least hoped, would treat her as something more than a fragile doll to be handled with care.

"Stephen?"

"It's the will." He said simply. Elizabeth folded into her chair. Those words pushed into her world truths that she constantly worked to hold at bay.

"Your London solicitor sent it last month, but because of the roads it did not arrive at your attorney's office until recently. He has come to assist with any questions that might arise with how to proceed."

"How to proceed." Elizabeth repeated blankly.

"Perhaps she is not yet well enough for this." She heard her father say.

"Elizabeth," Stephen said gently enough to provoke her.

"No, it must be done." With that she stood. Her father offered his arm and without even looking at him she sensed his concern. But she could not address that now. It would take everything she had to handle what was about to happen. Not certain what it said about the state of her mind or heart Elizabeth realized that she had not once thought about the material implications of her husband's death. What it meant for Pemberley, or her own pecuniary future. As she unseeingly navigated the hallways and stairs to her study Elizabeth thought back to her settlement, for the first time since she was made aware of it.

" _Papa, you wanted to see me?" Elizabeth asked as she entered her father's study where William had retreated earlier that morning, very shortly after he and Bingley had arrived for their visit._

" _Yes, Elizabeth we both did." He indicated her usual chair. William took the seat beside her and her father sat behind his desk._

" _Your young man has returned from town with some rather serious documents for us to review."_

 _Still not accustomed to her father's teasing William took the papers from his desk and handed them to Elizabeth._

" _It is your settlement." He said simply._

" _A settlement, surely that's not necessary, Mr. Darcy." Elizabeth responded._

" _I will leave you two to discuss this." Mr. Bennet said._

" _Mr. Darcy, I wish we had discussed this before you went to London." Elizabeth said still unable to read the document._

" _Elizabeth, please while I understand you have perhaps not understood settlements to be standard in marriages among many of your acquaintances you must know that they are commonplace for those born . . . why are you looking at me like that?"_

" _Like what, Mr. Darcy?"_

" _Like you . . . like you do not at all like what I am saying." He finally explained._

" _Possibly because I do not at all like what you are saying, Mr. Darcy."_

" _I have also noted," he said taking the document from her, placing it on the desk and holding her hands in his own, 'that you have a habit of calling me Mr. Darcy when you are particularly displeased with me. Could you please tell me what I have done to earn the twin punishment of that look and the title?"_

" _You truly do not understand?" she sighed. When he continued to regard her earnestly she explained._

" _It is not simply the condescension with which you are speaking it is that you are trying to tell me this entire document is necessary simply because it is expected in your circles." She made sure to inject extra disdain into those last two words. "I do not require such a document I assure you, but if the lack of one will somehow make you appear less to those whose opinion you value more than my own by all means summon my father back and inform him I have given my consent, which is I suppose what this is about."_

" _I have muddled things again." He mumbled still holding her hands. "I am sorry for explaining this poorly. Yes, settlements are common among my friends and acquaintances, but I mentioned that only because you seemed not to understand that this was not an unusual arrangement. My purpose for creating one however was not to conform to societal norms, but rather to ensure you are taken care of. While I hope we will have a long future together I of course cannot guarantee that. What I can do is be certain that if something were to happen to me you will never want for anything."_

 _When he finished this uncharacteristically long speech Elizabeth could read the sincerity in his deep brown eyes as well as the discomfort that she frequently saw there when he was giving her a roundabout apology for having insulted her, her family or her upbringing. A not infrequent occurrence despite his rather wonderful transformation from disdainful stranger to ardent admirer._

" _Very well." She conceded. "We may proceed."_

 _When she made no move to retrieve the document he asked, "Will you read it?"_

" _Do you wish me to?"_

" _Yes. It is why I asked your father to call you here as you had surmised. I would like you to approve all the terms."_

" _Very well." Elizabeth, feeling a little flattered at this, took the document in hand with pretended non-chalance. In truth, she had no idea what to expect. She knew the small portion of her mother's own settlement she was due upon her death would be set aside for her. She knew as well that the document would likely specify some sort of pin money she would have at her disposal. This money would likely be more than anything she had ever been used to. Beyond that she had no expectations. It all felt very overwhelming. As it turned out it was even more so than she thought._

" _Mr. Darcy, this is too much."_

" _Have I offended you again?" He asked in earnest._

" _No, it is only. . ." She tried to explain. "I know I am unfamiliar with such things, but is it usual for a husband to settle so much money on his wife?"_

" _As I indicated I only want to be sure you are taken care of." He said gravely. "I find I am unconcerned about what is conventional only what is best for you."_

" _William." She answered with a smile._

Elizabeth remembered her shock at seeing the amount of money her husband had set aside for her and it being one of the first times she truly understood the differences in their stations.

The threesome entered the study and Mr. Brimley, the Lambton attorney, rose to greet them.

"Mrs. Darcy, may I offer you my condolences." He said gravely. She accepted with a nod and took her seat behind the desk before she realized this might be where Mr. Brimley intended to sit.

"I apologize, Mr. Brimley is this where you were sitting?"

"Not at all Mrs. Darcy." He said smoothly. "That is your seat of course. I am content right here."

He sat across from her with her father by his side. Stephen chose to remain standing.

"Would you prefer to read the will yourself or would you like me to read it to you?"

"I would prefer . . ." she would prefer to not have to do this at all, but Elizabeth knew that was not an acceptable answer. More than anything she wanted to crawl into her bed and think about William and cry. But she needed to address what exactly her position would be now. There were people whose welfare depended on the words in that document. Was she still mistress here or would she be forced to make way for some distant Darcy cousin? The dower house was a beautiful place, but at 26 she had never considered it as a home. William was invariably wise, but . . . she was pulled from her reflections but her father's gentle voice.

"Elizabeth, dear you have trailed off and left us once again."

"Yes, I am sorry." She said still not answering the question.

"Perhaps if you could tell Elizabeth what she needs to know for now." Mr. Bennet requested.

"Very well. It is all quite simple." He said shuffling a stack of papers. "Mr. Darcy of course allowed for several contingencies one, unfortunately being that Miss Darcy would predecease him as is the case here. That being said." He paused, as if affected. "All of the estates, assets and investments go to you, Mrs. Darcy without encumbrance."

After a moment of silence Mr. Bennet asked, "there are no other bequests?"

"To begin he acknowledges several family members and servants but in the event you do not predecease him" Mr. Brimley explained, addressing Elizabeth. "he expresses that he fully trusts you to care for all your family, friends and dependents in a way that would do honor to you both. And all assets and investments are to be placed in your name and all real estate transferred to your sole ownership. There is a copy of the will here and one with your solicitor in London. You need only send a letter acknowledging your hearing and acceptance of the terms and he will begin the process." He held the document out to her.

Elizabeth sat in silence not reaching for the proffered document. Eventually Mr. Bennet took it and placed it on her desk. Mr. Brimley rose to leave. Shaken from her daze Elizabeth thanked him.

"Mr. Brimley, I appreciate your taking the time to come and speak with us in the midst of what you are dealing with your own home. I understand your wife and daughter were ill?"

"That is true, Mrs. Darcy. But they have both recovered and although my wife is still a little weak I am thankful."

"Please pass along my congratulations on their recoveries and let me know if there is anything that we can do to assist in her recuperation. I myself have found a willow bark tea my cook prepares to be quite helpful. It may be all in my head, but if you would like the recipe and ingredients please stop by the kitchens before you go."

"You are, as always, all that is good and kind, Mrs. Darcy. And may I say you will continue to be in our prayers."

"Thank you, Mr. Brimley."

The attorney bowed his way out and Stephen offered to escort him to the kitchen.

"Lizzy, you constantly amaze me." Her father said as soon as the two were left alone. "At first I was sure you were lost in your own world of hurt and pain which would be perfectly understandable, and then you reach out to with such grace. You are remarkable."

"Thank you, Papa. I am sure I do not deserve such praise, but I will not deny you as I know you love to bestow it. In truth, I was awash in pain. Just the thought of a will . . . of hearing that . . . that he considered his own death and my life without him . . . was hard to even think about. . . I confess I scarcely recall what was said. Focusing on Mr. Brimley, his needs, his situation was actually quite selfish. It was really like a drowning woman grasping at a rope."

"Always able to turn your virtues into flaws. It is quite a skill. I think I will leave you to do some more grasping and attend to your correspondence." He nodded to a pile of letters on the desk.

"So kind and I am certain this kindness has nothing to do with your burning desire to avail yourself of my library."

"None at all." He said with a wink before he left her alone.

Elizabeth looked at the papers had left for only a moment before quickly stowing it in one of the lower drawers of her desk. She attended to her letters and pushed all thoughts of it and the subject of that morning's meeting from her mind.


	8. Chapter 8

Day 63

Mr. Bennet stopped at Elizabeth's room in the morning to escort her to breakfast. He offered his daughter his arm and they proceeded down the hall together. After only a few steps Elizabeth faltered. Her father had taken them through the family hallway. The shortest route to the stairs. It made perfect sense and she had not thought anything of it at first. Only, she herself had avoided this hallway. It took her by his door and farther on Georgianna's. Stephen knew to avoid this hallway with her, but of course her father would not know. With her head down she tried to keep her steps steady.

"Lizzy, are you unwell?" Her father asked snaking his arm around her waist to support her.

"Yes, I . . ." Elizabeth tried to explain what she was feeling, but she was quickly lost in a memory brought on by nothing more extraordinary than the sight of a clock at the end of the long passageway.

" _William, put me down." She begged, unable to keep the giggle out of her voice. Her husband of just a few weeks had a disconcerting habit of picking her up whenever the moment seized him and carrying her about the house as if she was incapable of walking._

" _Why ever would I do that?" He asked showing no indication of compliance and proceeding down the hall toward their room._

" _The servants will think you have quite lost your mind." Was her truthful answer for Elizabeth was sure the master of Pemberley never behaved in such a carefree and childlike manner. She was also sure the staff would blame her entirely for the change. Although judging by the smiles and nods she saw and a few somewhat cryptic comments from the indispensable Mrs. Reynolds Elizabeth was fairly certain they did not mind this new version of their master._

" _I do not see any servants, Elizabeth." William declared and with that he tossed her over one shoulder. Elizabeth could not help but laugh and he was right the servants had made themselves scarce no doubt as soon as they heard their Master and Mistress coming so as to avoid any awkward scenes such as they had endured during the first week of her stay at Pemberley. How was one supposed to greet a servant when your husband refuses to put you on your own two feet?_

" _But what about this Grandfather clock?" she asked in a very serious voice. With that William spun around to see the object to which she referred._

" _You are worried about the opinion of this old time piece?"_

" _Indeed." Elizabeth reiterated when she was placed on her feet beside the object in question. "It is clearly an ancient piece. No doubt an heirloom passed down for generations?"_

" _Yes, and so we must always behave when it is watching?"_

" _Of course." She replied solemnly._

" _I understand and as always accept your wisdom."_

 _Elizabeth was surprised and suspicious of this quick acquiesce but pressed her advantage by leading the way, on her own two feet, to their suite. Her husband followed without a word of protest. Only later did she learn what plan he had in his mind in that moment._

"Elizabeth?" Her father's voice broke through to her and when she blinked it was his face she saw in front of her and not her husband's. Tears stung her eyes but she held them back. "Are you well? Should we return to your chambers?"

"No, let us continue."

"Why is this clock facing the wall?" Her father asked as they passed by the very object that had sent Elizabeth into the past. The very imposing, austere, large grandfather clock which guarded the turn that would take them to the grand staircase to the first floor.

Elizabeth could not bring herself to tell her father the story but she felt both laughter and sorrow well up inside her as she remembered the first time she discovered its unusual positioning.

" _Fitzwilliam Darcy," Elizabeth huffed as she stepped onto the second floor on her way to her room hoping to leave her husband behind. This was not be as he was easily keeping pace. "I have been living at Pemberley for but two months now and that is the second time you have accidentally deposited some part of my person into the lake."_

 _While it was true only her boots and hem were wet Elizabeth was distinctly uncomfortable and trying to make her husband feel as guilty as possible for his role in her fall._

" _I warned you not to step out on those rocks." He said without a hint of remorse._

" _And I thought you offered your hand to assist me in staying upright not to guide me into the water." She retorted. He laughed at that and she was satisfied to at least see he looked well caught in his game. "Well what do you have to say for yourself?"_

" _Allow me to make it up to." His contrite voice put Elizabeth instantly on alert. If three months of marriage had taught her anything it was that Fitzwilliam Darcy did not like to lose._

 _And a moment later she learned she was right as he foisted her in to the air and settled her on his shoulder like a sack of flour._

" _I cannot allow you to continue to walk on those wet boots, my love. Allow me to carry you to our suite where I will remove them."_

" _Fitzwilliam." She protested. "We talked about this."_

" _Ah yes I remember you objected to my great grandmother's grandfather clock witnessing any kind of frivolity."_

" _Your grandfather clock was your grandmother's?" She asked with a laugh._

" _Great grandmother's – the Countess of Langford."_

" _It is even more illustrious that I had imagined. We must conduct ourselves with the utmost decorum around a piece with such a legacy." Elizabeth responded, squirming to be let down._

" _But I have taken care of your concerns in this area." He told her as he pointed to the now wall facing clock turning around so that Elizabeth could see._

 _They laughed so hard that night her stomach was sore the next day._

"It is a long story, father" Elizabeth said after taking a moment to detangle herself from the memory. "Suffice it to say, my husband was . . . was not always as solemn and predictable as he appeared."

"You brought out the best in him, Lizzy. His life and this home. You filled them with great joy."

When they reached the breakfast room Elizabeth was surprised Stephen was not there. Mr. Bennet told her that he and Mr. Prentice had left earlier to examine one of the bridges which had been damaged in the recent storms.

Over breakfast, Elizabeth and her father chatted companionably about inconsequential things. If she noticed him looking at her closely throughout the meal or deep concern on his face at how little she ate Elizabeth chose not to comment.

"Stephen mentioned several letters which arrived for you. They are on your desk. I also think he was hoping you would meet with him to discuss what he discovers out at the bridge upon his return."

"Of course." Elizabeth said already considering what damage the snow might have wrought and how it might best be handled. "Would you like to retrieve your book and accompany me to my study?"

"An excellent idea. If you are certain you are equal to working?"

"I am." She said simply.

"Well then, it will be just like at Longbourn except I will be the one reading in the comfortable chair while you work at your desk." He said, taking her hands in his and squeezing them lightly.

After the two had established themselves in her study for nearly an hour they were joined by Stephen who wanted to review the problem of the bridge repair. He and Elizabeth discussed it for nearly an hour before they had reached a decision on all issues related to labor, supplies and timing of the work to be done.

"Now if you will excuse me" Stephen said, rising, "I have several letters from my steward at Maplehearst that require my attention.

"Of course, I know you have long neglected your own estate. If you need to return home," Elizabeth hesitated, in truth she had trouble imagining Pemberley without Stephen and his calling any other place home at all seemed strange, "I know I cannot monopolize you forever."

He looked almost disappointed before responding.

"Elizabeth, I may need to journey to Maplehearst to attend to a few things in advance of the planting season but I will not be gone long and indeed I would only do so because your father in here to be of assistance to you," he raised his hand to stop her as she made to protest. "I know your health is improving and you are more than capable but everything is still . . . for my own peace of mind I want to think I might be of use so please allow me to believe it even if it is a complete lie."

With that he bowed and left the room.

Mr. Bennet raised a brow at Elizabeth as she watched Stephen leave.

"I am thankful Sir Stephen has been such a good friend to you." He said. Then switching subjects, he commented on their earlier conversation, "I enjoyed listening to your plans for the bridge. Running this great estate has made you quite adept at solving all manner of problems, my dear."

He was watching her with a thoughtful, worried expression.

"And are you concerned that I will now have too much of that to do here on my own?" she asked hearing in his words concern for her that he was afraid to fully voice, as if she might shatter from it.

"Yes, I suppose I am. You could always read me so well. "He sighed and closed his book. "You need time to grieve, Lizzy, but I do not know that you will have it here. I admit your physical needs are well seen to but this place does not understand what is to rest and be still. To take time to mourn as you need to. You are surrounded by reminders and yet given no time to grieve."

Elizabeth could tell he wanted to ask her to come home with him. In truth, it had never occurred to her to leave Pemberley. Her father, she knew, wanted to look after her, but he also wanted to do so in the way he understood. And that was not what she needed.

"The truth is, Papa as much as Pemberley needs me I need her as well. I am afraid I would not do well with stillness, quiet or peace. I will need the activity, the pace of life here even the added work of . . " Elizabeth paused choking on the reason for the added work. "How do I go on without him? It feels wrong to even try."

"I'm not sure I can answer that, Lizzy. In truth, my life has been an easy one without even my fair share of tragedy. Whereas you, my beloved daughter, have already suffered much in your young life. Your loss last year and the first year of your marriage and now William and Georgie . . ." he paused as his eyes filled with tears.

"You will miss them too." Elizabeth said as she reached out to grasp her father's hands once again. She did not want to speak of them but found herself willing to listen, for her father.

"William is . . .was one of the finest men I have ever known and although I did not know Georgiana well the kindness she showed your sisters in introducing them to her friends and their families at their school that first year, it proved such a help to them and of course she has been a sister to you from the start. A sweet girl."

"Yes, they were both . . . so very . . . the best people I have known . . . I have loved." Elizabeth felt the pull of exhaustion, grief, and pain. The tears flowed freely and she allowed herself to be pulled in to her father's arms.

Day 64

"I understand from Mrs. Reynolds that your father has talked Branson into giving him a tour of the new stables. He was quite excited. Apparently, he is considering some similar improvements at Longbourn? You just missed him." Stephen told Elizabeth after they exchanged morning greetings.

Elizabeth tried not to feel the pain of remembering how her father and William spoke of those very improvements in this very room on his last visit. She tried not to think about how before her own fever she would never be the last one to this table but now she always seemed to be. She tried not think about how her plate was filled with her favorite breakfast treats but she would have to force herself to eat even a few bites. Instead she sat down next to Stephen, who never sat at the head of the table, and listened as he spoke of a play he had seen last year. It was just the kind of conversation she needed. Interesting but not deep. It held her attention but no memories. Half an hour passed and so did her despair.

When they had finished he looked at her with a worried expression and she knew what he did not want to tell her.

"How long will you be gone?" she asked.

"I am not certain I must go." He answered.

"You were certain before I arrived in this room were you not?"

He did not deny it.

"Elizabeth, if I felt you would tell me what you needed I would be more comfortable about the possibility of leaving. I know you still struggle with your memories."' He reached for her hand. "I do as well and though you are not ready to speak of them I am here for whatever you need."

"I know." And she did. Stephen had been a patient friend, a faithful caretaker of her home and a constant companion when she has needed him. If at times he was too persistent in pressing her to speak of her pain, her loss and her needs in ways she is not ready to, would likely never be ready to, she knew this was out of his love for her. He was waiting for her to say more, to reassure him that she was able to bear his loss. Elizabeth looked at him closely as he regarded her earnestly. Their lives had changed so dramatically in these past two months. She felt like an entirely different person and although she had hardly looked in a mirror since she awoke from her fever she was certain her appearance must be significantly altered. Yet somehow, but for that scar on his cheek, Stephen looked almost exactly as he did all those years ago in Kent.

 _He had just been admitted to Charlotte Collins' parlor where Elizabeth stood to greet him. They had met the previous day in the presence of his cousin._

" _It was good of you to call, Colonel Fitzwilliam." Elizabeth said as the two took their seats in the parlor._

" _Goodness had nothing to do with it I assure you, Miss Bennet. The amusements to be found at Rosings are few and far between. So it is purely out of a deep and abiding self-interest that I brought myself here at the earliest possible hour that could be considered acceptable for callers."_

" _I am only sorry you missed Miss Lucas and Mrs. Collins." Elizabeth responded, warmed by the Colonel's open and friendly attitude. "They left quite early to call on tenant who is ill."_

" _You did not wish to accompany them?" His tone was faintly accusing._

" _I did; however, Mr. Collins would wish to always have someone here to receive visitors from Rosings should any decide to call and so today the lot fell to me. Mr. Collins has called on Lady Catherine as is his custom the day before or after a sermon." Elizabeth finished with a small smile._

" _And so you are left to wait inside on this beautiful day just in case someone from Rosings should decide to come calling?" When Elizabeth nodded, the Colonel flashed her a brilliant smile. "Then I am so glad I came. Shall we take a turn in the garden?"_

" _I do not mean to impose, Colonel Fitzwilliam, but would you be willing to perhaps venture a little farther?" Elizabeth asked. She knew she was perhaps being a bit forward. After all she had only met this gentleman yesterday and the only connection between them was Mr. Darcy, not exactly an intimate recommendation. But she could not help but be drawn in by his congenial nature, clear display of pleasure at her company and that smile. He gave it to her now as he offered his arm. It was broad, warm and held just a hint of mischief._

" _It is no imposition at all, Miss Bennet. I am at your disposal. Do you have a walk that has become a particular favorite?"_

" _As a matter of fact I do."_

 _With that the two set off on the first of what would become many excursions during their mutual stay in Kent._

"Colonel Fitzwilliam." Elizabeth said with a small smile as she reoriented herself to the present.

"Colonel Fitzwilliam?" Stephen responded, returning the smile, with a questioning look, "it has been quite some time since you called me that."

"Forgive me, I was just remembering."

"Remembering when I was Colonel Fitzwilliam?" he asked.

"Yes. I was thinking how you look much as you did then and I . . . have changed much." She finished lamely.

"Were it permissible to contradict a lady I would challenge the former statement although the latter is true enough."

Elizabeth was surprised he did not try and tell her she was as beautiful as ever, but then again Stephen had always been honest with her. It was a trait she greatly valued in him. Returning to the subject he had raised prior to her unintentional stroll down memory lane she said, "As to your leaving, although you will be missed, I shall be well with my father here. How long will you be gone?"

"At least two weeks." He said with obvious exasperation. "There are several issues with the house that must be handled as well as preparations for planting. If I am able to accomplish all of it in one visit I should prevent the necessity of another trip for some time."

Elizabeth strove to hide her concern. It was not until Stephen spoke of the length of his absence that she saw clearly how she had come to rely on him. Not only to divide the burden of caring for Pemberley and making decisions regarding matters from the investments to the other Darcy homes. But also as a companion when the solitude which she sought regularly became too much to bear. He was always there to alleviate the loneliness. He would tell her a witty story or draw one out of her. He would offer a game of backgammon or cards never chess, chess had been she and . . . never chess. Or he would just sit with her in silence. Somehow he always knew what she needed. But she had come to rely on this too much. Stephen did not live at Pemberley. He had other obligations and would desire to be elsewhere eventually. He had friends everywhere. Elizabeth must learn to do without him.

"We shall endeavor to cope with the loss of your company." She said with a dramatic sigh and a teasing smile. "I would have you know how much I appreciate . . ."

Stephen interrupted her.

"None of that." His voice was soft but serious. "I know how your mind works. Do not say any more. You have gifted me another smile and I will take that as the only token of your appreciation I require. If you could see your way clear to provide several more on my return I would be in your debt."

"Stephen." Elizabeth found herself at once frustrated and comforted at how well he seemed to understand her.

"Elizabeth." He mimicked her aggravated tone.

They looked at each other for a long moment then Elizabeth stuck out her tongue and they both laughed. It was a quick burst. It sounded so foreign, so out of place. Elizabeth almost looked around to see where the noise had come from. Immediately she felt guilt at having felt anything at all. That small burst of joy. He was gone. She was gone and Elizabeth was sitting here feeling happy, even for a moment. It felt wrong. It was wrong.

"There is a letter from Mr. Abbington among those awaiting you in your study. Stephen said. "A taxation issue arose last month that he sought Dar . .that he was asking for advice on. I wrote and informed him of recent events and forwarded the matter to your solicitor in London. His response is there as well. I hope I have not overstepped, but the matter was time sensitive."

Elizabeth was happy to seize on the distraction, but first she felt she needed to say her piece to Stephen. As much as he would let her.

"You have not overstepped, Stephen. I know so much has fallen to you these past months. It is one more reason I am grateful that you have been here . . . that you were here . . ." Elizabeth began to falter as she considered the deeper reasons she was thankful that Stephen was here. That he, her husband's best friend had been with him when he breathed his last. That he had held their beloved Georgiana's hand when she slipped away. That he, someone who had spent hours and hours discussing Pemberley's past, present and future with them, was now helping take care of it.

"I only wish I could do more to ease your burden." He responded and then because he had flawless instincts when it came to her and she was precariously close to losing her hold on her emotions he said, "Would you like me to review the issue with you before I leave."

"Yes, thank you."


	9. Chapter 9

Days 65 - 79

Mr. Bennet could not resist the siren call of the library throughout the day when he was not by his daughter's side. Consequently, in the evenings he would read to her from whatever selection he had found most intriguing.

Two weeks after his departure Stephen wrote to indicate he would return to Pemberley in two days' time. Mr. Bennet planned his departure for that very day.

"Although I wish I could stay longer, Lizzy I do not like to leave your mother at all and . . ."

"I know, Papa. Your coming at all was a demonstration of your love that I feel mostly keenly I assure you. Of course, you must go and see Jane and meet your first granddaughter," she felt more than a slight pain at this, thinking of her own children not allowed to . . . of the children that would never be.

"Lizzy," her father reached for her hand. "I will stay if . . ."

"No," Elizabeth did not want the emotion her father's words, memories and presence continuously evoked. His presence brought comfort to be sure but when weighed against this provocation and the need of him that was certainly felt elsewhere she felt no guilt at all in the lie she told to help ease the guilt he felt at going. He did not believe it anyway.

"I would not hear of it. I am well. Life must go on as I have learned and your visit has . . . Please tell mother, little Thomas, Mary and the rest that I am improving."

"If that is your wish." He answered with a knowing frown.

"It is."

Stephen arrived at Pemberley at midday and Mr. Bennet left in a Darcy carriage, which would also see him home, at Elizabeth's insistence, a few hours later for the five hour journey to the Bingleys. Final farewells were said and Mr. Bennet, with obvious reluctance, consigned his beloved daughter's care into the hands of her friend and cousin by marriage.

Day 80 – 176

With the departure of her father and the return of Stephen Elizabeth once gain set about establishing a routine that would allow her to be of the most use to those who depended on her and avoid, as much as possible memories of the life she grieved for in the quiet places of her heart.

It was a routine which was interrupted only by the occasional visit of a Bennet relation. Somehow Sir Stephen had made clear to the Fitzwilliam family that their presence would not assist in the recovery of Pemberley's mistress.

Elizabethand Stephen spent their mornings handling their individual correspondence. They also assisted the steward in helping ensure all the tenants and their families affected by the illness and its aftermath were recovering and being cared for as needed. In order to function efficiently and even though it hurt her pride somewhat Elizabeth eventually allowed a secretary to be hired for her so that she might dictate some of her correspondence and this helped conserve her strength, which though returning was not yet what it once had been. She rested in the afternoons. In the evenings, they would dine in small family dining room. Then they spent an additional hour either with guests, if they had them or working again on estate business.

 **Stephen left twice more over the course of these months. Once due to an emergency at Maplehurst which required his personal attention. A small kitchen fire had destroyed part of the house and injured several of his staff. This he handled in less than a week. A month later he was gone again for only three days. Elizabeth did not learn until he returned that this absence was to ensure that his father did not visit Pemberley. A trusted servant had set word that despite Stephen's warnings, the Earl intended to pay a call on Elizabeth and so Stephen had traveled to Matlock first to make certain this did not happen. Upon his return, she learned of his purpose but not his means and despite her enquires he would not enlighten her. It was a rare time when she urged conversation and he resisted.**

Soon after Stephen's return from his first trip to Mapleheart the vists from Elizabeth's family began. Each brought with them their hopes of being a source of strength and consolation to their beloved Elizabeth and in many ways, they were. Aunt and Uncle Gardiner brought their wisdom and strength of presence. This was a balm, but they also reminded Elizabeth of the time she and William first came to an understanding and that feeling of new love out of which grew their deep and abiding bond. Kitty and her new husband abandoned their tour of the continent as soon as they had learned of what had happened. Elizabeth felt the love which precipitated this gesture, but in the end wished they had not come. She knew how much Kitty had longed to see the capitals of Europe and how her viscount had longed to show them to her. But they were eager to share in their sister's grief and offer support. They did bring diversion with their stories of travel and adventure. But also in their looks of love and longing brought the reminder of what Elizabeth had lost and would never know again. And Jane, even Jane, who brought as much love and sweetness as could be expected in any human being may have brought the most pain though Elizabeth would have died herself before betraying even a hint of that truth to her tender-hearted sister. First, in little Elizabeth was the reminder of what she never got to have with her husband. What she would never have. Second, she realized, with no little degree of heartbreak how much her own sorrow and new life of grief and loneliness must separate her from Jane. They had, by necessity grown apart as they gave their first loyalty to their husbands, but their lives grew and changed together. Marrying, setting up households and learning what it was to live lives outside of Longbourn. As a consequence, they had remained quite close. Now their lives were so different. Elizabeth felt a wall between them. Not of Jane's making or her own, but it was there none the less. In reality only Stephen understood the grief and sorrow that now made up her life. Only he had known and loved them, only he could feel something close to the loss she felt.

And so, she entertained her guests and welcomed and farewelled them each with a heavy heart as they came and went. They did bring her consolation, but they took from her as well. If any of them had known they were adding to her burden in any way they would never have come to Pemberley at all.

On the last day of Kitty's visit Elizabeth took her brother-in-law, an avid horseman, on a ride about the estate. Kitty chose not to join them, but rather spent the morning supervising the packing of their belongings. Although she enjoyed the company of Viscount Hargrove the riding reminded Elizabeth acutely of William and the rain they encountered on their return soaked her through. Immediately after the young couple departed Elizabeth began to feel the effects of the exertion and the drenching. By the afternoon all the household began to comprehend the seriousness of her condition.

Day 177

Elizabeth awoke slowly and could not seem to pull herself from the cold which held her. Although she would gladly have allowed the fog of sleep and oblivion to keep her the cold was bitter and she longed to escape it, but could not. Her body raked with shivers, she turned her head and saw Stephen seated in the chair. This confirmed what her foggy mind had already been able to discern. She was ill. He had risen and come to her side when she turned to him but as his hands took hers and his lips moved to form words Elizabeth lost the battle and sleep claimed her.

Day 178

"Is there nothing you can do to bring the fever down." A harsh and vaguely familiar voice demanded.

"We are doing all we can." Came the tired response. "This new fever, when she had already suffered so long with the other . . . we cannot know how she will respond."

"I cannot lose her." The voice, low and raspy, Elizabeth now recognized as Stephen's said. "Please."

"It is out of our hands."

There was a long silence after this and Elizabeth sought the solace of unconsciousness, but it refused her entrance and slowly the sounds and smells of her room invaded her senses. She could smell the broth from Mrs. Padmore's soup, hear her staff moving around outside and more closely she noted Stephen's labored breathing. He sat beside her with his head in his hands. A vague memory of having seen him in this posture many times before flashed in her foggy mind. But it was different now. She could feel it. Her body was weaker than before and she knew this time would be her last bout with fever, with anything.

Elizabeth felt like she wanted to say goodbye to him. She knew she was leaving him alone. He had lost those he counted as a brother and sister and now he would lose her too. A feeling of guilt washed over her. How could she do this to him? She consoled herself with the thought that she did not have a choice. She was sick after all. But some small weak and weakening voice chidedthat she could fight to live instead of conceding to her illness so easily. But she did not want to stay here in this world without William. She wanted to go to him so badly. She could feel herself being pulled as if there was a rope wrapped around her that was dragging her toward him. It was a pull she had no desire to resist.

"Stephen." She rasped.

His head popped up and their eyes locked. The pained, almost hollow look tore at her heart.

"Elizabeth." His voice was stronger than hers, but so much weaker than she had ever heard it. This was breaking him.

"Are you ill?" she asked.

"No . . . "he seemed confused by the question at first and then looked down at his disheveled clothes and ran his fingers through his equally disheveled hair. "I realize I must look a mess, but I assure you I am quite well or as well I can be. How do you feel?"

"Absolutely divine." She attempted to tease. "I know I must look a mess, but other than the pain in my head, the ache in my throat and the chills currently seizing my entire body I am quite well too."

He tried to smile but could barely lift even one side of his mouth. His eyes were bloodshot and glassy with tears. Elizabeth felt the guilt swell.

"I am sorry." She said.

"You have nothing to be sorry for." He assured her taking her hand, holding her eyes with his. If he only knew. Knew that she was practically choosing to leave him. Knew that she was allowing herself to be taken away and that she would now ask of him that which would relieve her of her final burden.

"I do." She argued softly, but then went on. "Stephen, I need you to promise me something."

"Anything." Was the immediate response.

"Take care of Pemberley."

"Elizabeth, you will recover." He promised fiercely as if this was in his strong and capable hands and not her weak and fragile ones.

"I am afraid I do not share your optimism." She hedged.

"I know we have lost those we hold dear but we cannot give up hope." His voice held a desperation she could not bear. The tears that had been shining his eyes now feel in earnest. "Please."

"Stephen, I . . . "

"Rest." He said, taking his hands from hers, wringing out a cloth and placing it on her head. His movements were so gentle and soothing she felt herself falling back to sleep. For once she didn't want to go. There were things she had to say to him and she was afraid she wouldn't have the chance.

Day 179

Light pressed upon her eyelids and she could not ignore the chills that racked her body. Elizabeth felt herself rise off the bed with them. Loud voices filled with concern and uncertainty seemed very close by but then darkness returned. Minutes or maybe hours later she once again became aware of herself. She was still cold but could bear it now as she pushed further into the softness all around her. Lifting her head and opening her eyes Elizabeth was surprised to find herself alone.

She took a moment to glance fondly around. Though she had spent little time her during their marriage this room held a special pace in her heart as it was the room William had remade for her and presented to her upon bringing her to Pemberley as a bride. He had been almost giddy with joy at showing it to her. The pinks and whites were lighter and paler than the blues and greens she generally preferred. It was very soon after they were married that he came to know her favorite flower was the lilac and not the roses that adorned the settees and walls and when he came to understand more fully her fondness for books he wanted to order different furnishings altogether to allow for spaces to store her favorite volumes but Elizabeth would not hear of it. The rose lined walls, the fluffy settees with pink pillows, she really could not abide pink, and the lack of a comfortable place to read reminded her of their start and she would not change that. But still she knew this was not the right place to say goodbye. Mustering what little strength she had Elizabeth threw aside the heavy weight of the blankets. Pausing to take a breath she slid her feet to the side and tested them on the floor.

Supporting herself with various pieces of furniture along the way Elizabeth's journey to the sitting room took almost half an hour. When she arrived, she was sweating and exhausted but as she collapsed on the sofa she felt that she had come to the place she could let go in peace. This was somewhere she had known happiness, contentment and love. It was also where her world had ended when Stephen told her of William's death. So it was fitting she would breath her last here. She lay down and waited, knowing he would find her.

"Elizabeth." The soft voice pulled her from a lovely dream, but she went willingly knowing she would be back soon.

"Stephen." Waking brought pain all over, but Elizabeth ignored that and pushed herself to sit up. Stephen moved, lifting her head and shoulders so that no exertion was required from her.

"What are you doing in here?" His voice was faintly accusing. "You should not be out of bed. You are still weak." The hope she heard in his words, that at some point she would no longer be weak, nearly broke her heart.

"I wanted to be here." She said simply. Not quite able to articulate the reason.

"You can be wherever you want when you are well again, Elizabeth. Right now, you need to rest and stay in bed where we can take care of you."

"You know I have never been good at following orders." She tried to smile, but the enormity of the moment pressed on her. He smiled back at her, it was a ghost of the real thing but his blue eyes sparkled and Elizabeth could hardly bear it. "Stephen, I am so sorry."

"You said that yesterday, Elizabeth and I cannot imagine what you think you have to be sorry for but please do not waste any of your strength on it. I assure you I do not desire any apologies only your exertion to get well."

She could not hold his eyes at this plea. Looking down she attempted a deep breath to gather her strength.

"Promise me that you will take care of Pemberley. That you will continue everything we began here. It will be yours." With this she looked at him once again brown eyes pleading with his deep blue.

"Elizabeth, don't talk like that. You will recover." He promised fiercely.

"Stephen," she tried to hold back the sobs knowing they would only sap her strength that much faster. "that is why I am sorry. I cannot stay. I am . . . I am sorry to leave you alone."

He regarded her without word or expression for a moment before her meaning seemed to sink in.

"No, Elizabeth. Please." His voice cracked and he dropped to his knees beside where she half lay and half sat on the sofa. Their hands found each other and Elizabeth tried to make him understand.

"Stephen, I am so tired and it hurts so much." There was more, like how she didn't want to fight the dark pull toward some other side, like how there was nothing holding her here or how the sorrow weighed so heavily she was eager to escape its weight.

"Elizabeth," he pleaded, waiting until her eyes met his once again, "you have to stay with me. You are all I have left. I cannot . . . life would not . . . please." His voice was so full of despair and sorrow she touched his face, memorizing the contours. "Please, do not leave me here alone."

She was tired, but his heartbreak tugged at her and Elizabeth reluctantly considered whether she could do as he asked. Could she resist the pull? Since hearing the news of William and Georgianna's death Elizabeth had only been living half a life. Slipping away to join them had seemed like a much better way forward.

"Please." Stephen said again, gently cupping her face with one hand.

"Stephen, it hurts so much." She confessed. "I do not know if I can."

"You can." He said with absolute conviction. "You are Elizabeth Darcy. I have seen you do the impossible and I refuse to believe this is beyond you. If you want to live, Lizzy you can live. Please choose to live. I need you. I need you."

In the years she had known him Stephen had never asked anything of the Darcys. This had seemed somewhat strange to her at first. William was the wealthy one. Stephen, the second son forced to adopt a profession to support himself. Why had he never asked them for a favor, they had the means, some small token even? It was the way things worked in wealthy families. But as she came to know him it fit entirely with his character. He would never have survived as a first son. He felt the need to earn what he had, it was a strange sort of determination about him. As if he dared anyone to deem him less worthy. But now, now he was choosing to break from his character and ask her to do this one thing. This thing that would cost her everything. But as her tired eyes held his she knew she would not deny him. She could not live without William that was certain. But he was right, she was Elizabeth Darcy and if surviving was in her power she would do that for Stephen. Because he asked and he was Williams' beloved friend and hers as well. She owed him better than a life alone having watched almost everyone he loved die while he looked on helplessly.

"For you, I will try." She said softly as her strength waned and her eyes closed. She thought she heard whispered words of thanks but she could not be sure as the darkness rushed in.

Day 184

She could remember trying to wake for what seemed like days and being unable to break free from the cold, from the blankets, from the waves of sorrow. She did try, most of the time. If she was honest there were moments when she longed to give in, but she remembered Stephen's deep blue eyes pleading with her to survive and so she tried, not certain it would be enough. Then one morning she tried to open her eyes and found they did not resist her. She tried to turn her head and found herself capable. It was no great surprise that Stephen sat, head in hands, beside her. At her movement he looked up.

"Elizabeth." He breathed. Lurching from his seat he pressed a gentle hand to her forehead. 'the fever has broken." So saying he collapsed back into his chair and buried his face once again in his hands.

"This does not please you?" she asked, honestly confused by his reaction.

"Five days, Elizabeth." He said, shedding absolutely no light on the situation. "For five days I have watched the fever ravage your body. For five days, I have forced you to eat broth and take drink. For five days, I have left this room only when Abigail and Mrs. Reynolds have changed your night dress and linens which were soaked from your sweat and tears almost hourly. For five days, I have listened to you cry out in a pain I cannot relieve and for a husband I cannot produce. I have despaired of seeing those beautiful brown eyes again." He took a deep breath and finally looked at her. She was shocked to see a broad smile on his face and a light in his deep blue eyes.

"Am I pleased? I can honestly say I have never been more pleased in my entire life than I am at this moment."

Although her cracked lips protested the action Elizabeth could not help, but smile in return.

"Then I am pleased as well." She answered.

'You are pleased to be alive only because it pleases me?" He asked in some confusion.

"I cannot say in all honesty I have at present a tremendous amount of interest in life in general but I could not in good conscience leave you here alone if it was in my power to stay."

"I did not mean to burden you." He said after taking a moment to consider her words. Elizabeth grew uncomfortable under his gaze.

"You could never be a burden." She said and it was the truth. It had been a cowardly course to consider giving in to death when she could choose to fight and Elizabeth Darcy was no coward. Life now held no joy for her but it held responsibility and honor. She would honor the dreams she and William had and she would be a comfort for Stephen who had known too much pain and sorrow in his life. These thoughts brought her a sense of peace at least.

"Stephen . . .' she reached for his hand. "I am here now and I will not leave you."

"You know I believe you." He said with a ghost of a smile. "I will not worry any longer about your health as you are clearly determined to recover."


	10. Chapter 10

Day 185 - 215

Dr. Tate called first thing in the morning, having received a note from Stephen the previous day, and pronounced Mrs. Darcy fever-free. He believed she would make a full recovery, but insisted on a slow return to her duties this time around. Elizabeth was impatient with her own weakness. Her body, it seemed, would not listen to her commands. She slept late, could eat only small quantities of food, had trouble concentrating on a task for any length of time, became tired after the shortest walks and required a rest every afternoon.

The focus on her physical state allowed her to push her grief to the side and no one but Stephen seemed to notice or at least no one else questioned her about it. As she recovered, for the second time, life at Pemberley returned to the normal she had begun to establish back in February after . . . however there were two significant differences. First, her own weakness was far more pronounced this time around. Second, she began to be plagued by nightmares. Although – not exactly nightmares. More like memories of her old life. Elizabeth would wake nearly every night and find herself in the rooms she had been dreaming about. Rooms she was still too grief-stricken to enter in the light of day. She would be in the ballroom after a dream about her first Christmas ball at Pemberley, in the library after a lovely dream of the many days spent by William's side reading in that very room. When she woke the sorrow at what she had lost would wash over her anew. These nighttime excursions certainly did not aid in her recovery process both robbing her of sleep and taxing her strength in ways she probably did not understand. Her days were a routine of household productivity and resting. Somehow the sleep she found during the day was free from the specters that haunted her nights, but still never seemed to compensate and the recovery of her body kept pace with that of her heart and spirit. They all seemed irretrievably damaged.

And then, one month after she awoke form her second fever, Lady Catherine arrived.

"Mistress," Mrs. Reynolds stood in the doorway of the study looking reluctant and apologetic.

"Yes, Mrs. Reynolds."

"Lady Catherine has arrived."

"Pardon me?" Elizabeth asked in some surprise. Lady Catherine's letters had begun just days after word of her niece and nephew's deaths had reached her. They were full of ostentatious words of sympathy and pedantic instruction for how Elizabeth was to grieve, to move forward, to hire help, to dispose of assets, to arrange her hair while in mourning. In short they explained how she was to do everything. The rather elegantly explained implication being Elizabeth would have no idea how to manage the smallest detail to the greatest decision involving the extensive Darcy holdings without the Darcy, or now Fitzwilliam, family instructing her how to do so. Stephen had written the first few responses encouraging her to believe her advice was treasured and followed but also putting off a visit, which Lady Catherine began hinting at after about a month, for a variety of reasons. Elizabeth had by now also written several times. Her letters were rather light on the gratitude for the condescending and tactless advice and heavy on the implication any visit must be delayed.

"She has just arrived and, Mistress . . ." Mrs. Reynolds hesitated clearly not wanting to upset Elizabeth further. Although she in many ways depended on it sometimes she bristled at the way in which everyone treated her with such obvious deference. As if she were too fragile to handle anything.

"What is it Mrs. Reynolds?" She asked more sharply than she intended.

"She has brought her lady's maid and enough luggage, Mistress, I believe she plans to stay for some time."

"No, that cannot be. She would never leave Rosings for any length of time."

"Sir Stephen inquired after her estate and was told she has made arrangements which would permit her to be away for as long as she was needed elsewhere."

"Elizabeth, I am so sorry." Stephen declared as he burst in to the room. "I have been attempting to convince our aunt that there is no need for a visit but I have never been very good at convincing her . . ."

"Stephen," Elizabeth said as she lay a reassuring hand on his arm "no one is very good at convincing Lady Catherine of anything she is not already convinced of. Come let us greet her properly. The drawing room, Mrs. Reynolds?" Elizabeth asked assuming this would be where the housekeeper would have brought her guest.

"She insisted on being shown to the front parlor."

"I will go, Elizabeth." Stephen offered, but Elizabeth did not want to be treated like the fragile person her body and heart sometimes insisted she was.

"No, I cannot go on pretending that dozens of rooms at Pemberley do no not exist, Stephen. Let us simply use this as an opportunity to open yet another room that has been closed these past months."

"Elizabeth, are you certain?" Stephen asked. "I would not wish for you to suffer another setback."

It was true. Only two days earlier a setback is indeed what had happened when she had suggested they forgo their work in the evening and retire to the music room. She truly had thought she was ready. Music had been something she enjoyed so much in her prior life she felt maybe she would try and play a bit for Stephen, for herself. They had been working so hard, even if she was only awake for five or six hours a day, they spent much of that time on correspondence and staff and estate matters. A little diversion would be soothing. But as soon as they had entered the large room for the first since before the fevers she had been overwhelmed by the memories. It was Georgiana's presence she felt most keenly, but she could almost see William on his favorite settee watching them with a light in his eye. She knew how much joy he derived from their close relationship and their music. Elizabeth had tried to push through the memories but their strength combined with her own physical weakness caused her to nearly faint. Stephen was understanding as always. And always encouraged her to grieve as she needed to and not avoid the feelings that overwhelmed her. She wished he would not press her on that as he had been doing lately. What he did not understand was that she was afraid if she let the grief in it would never leave and her body would not be able to handle it.

"I know and I thank you for your concern, but you have never been one to coddle me. Please do not start now." She said with a fond smile. Elizabeth knew that both he and Mrs. Reynolds walked a fine line with her these days. They expected and hoped for her to improve, pushing her at times as Dr. Tate indicated might be necessary to help her recovery. But they were also wary of anything that might induce another setback which included avoiding those parts of Pemberley that held strong memories of both William and Georgiana, during the day at least.

"I only want you to continue to recover."

Elizabeth smiled a sad smile knowing it was true, but not knowing if it was possible, if she could ever recover her old body and heart. Over the past month she had begun to wonder if because her heart was so weakened by the losses she had suffered perhaps her body would remain broken as well.

"I know, my dear Stephen, and I love you for that. Trust me that I can handle this." This was at least a partial truth.

"Very well, Elizabeth."

And so Elizabeth found herself walking, on Stephen's arm, in to the front parlor. A room she had avoided for very good reason. It held a hundred memories. It was where she had received callers several times a week whenever they were in residence at Pemberley. Georgiana by her side. William dropping in, especially in those early years, to be sure she was well, to see if she needed him. She always needed him, even when she was fine on her own. Elizabeth did not allow herself to be pulled in by the dozens o memories that assaulted her until she crossed the threshold and saw Lady Catherine sitting in the high wingback chair by the sweeping floor to ceiling window. It was then she recalled another time she greeted the same lady wearing the same black dress in the same room and she could not help but be drawn back to that moment in time.

" _Lady Catherine." Elizabeth said. "I am so sorry for your loss. The Countess was a truly wonderful woman who will be much missed."_

" _Yes, yes. She was a good mother and tireless supporter of the Fitzwilliam family. If only she had had the good sense to pass in the winter. It is so inconvenient to begin mourning in the summer months. Black simply does not wear well with summer fashions."_

 _Elizabeth who had become quite close to the Countess of Matlock before her illness could not help but feel the callousness and disrespect of these comments from her sister in law of nearly forty years. This was not to say they were wholly unexpected from her Ladyship. Before she was forced to think of a suitable reply the door opened behind them and Sir Stephen_ __ _and his father entered in the midst of a loud disagreement._

" _Father, you must know I would never ask this of mother and I can hardly think on it now. It was her wish and she did speak to me of it at the end as I have told you."_

" _Precisely, you spoke of it."_

" _No," Stephen interrupted. "She spoke to me and informed me what she had done."_

 _Just then the Earl looked up and seemed to notice that they were not alone._

" _Our apologies," he began before bowing to the ladies of the room. If the inclination of his body when he faced her was barely perceptible Elizabeth paid him no heed. The Earl was, in disposition, sentiments and attachment to rank exactly like his sister and Elizabeth consequently cared nothing for his good opinion beyond maintaining the family peace. "I had not realized this room was occupied."_

" _Your Lordship, I apologize for not greeting you upon your arrival at Pemberley," Elizabeth began. In truth, his visit had been unannounced and she had been attending to her usual tenant visits when she was informed that the Fitzwilliams along with Lady Catherine had descended upon their home. As the Countess had passed just two weeks prior the Darcys were somewhat surprised. "Please allow me to express to you my deepest sympathies at the loss of your wife."_

 _He murmured a thank you before she expressed similar sentiments to Stephen who she knew was truly bereft at the loss of his mother whom he loved deeply. Indeed, he had hardly left her side these past two months while she lingered with a congestive malady the doctors could not treat. In contrast her husband had bounced from mistress to mistress barely keeping up the appearance of concern. But theirs had never been a marriage of affection or esteem and neither had wanted to pretend as such in the end although, Elizabeth suspected, for very different reasons._

" _Is something amiss?" Darcy asked his cousin after the expressions of sympathy from his wife were expressed and acknowledged._

" _Indeed something is amiss." The Earl practically shouted. "My younger son is attempting to carve out for himself a piece of his brother's inheritance."_

" _What is this?" Lady Catherine asked at the same time Darcy said "Lady Susan's portion?"_

" _He told you of his plans?" The earl asked. "Perhaps we should not be speaking of this in front of . . .' he trailed off not naming anyone but his eyes stayed on Elizabeth and of course who else would he mean? It had been the same since William first brought her to Matlock house in London and introduced her as Mrs. Darcy. The Countess and her daughter welcomed her with warmth and affection while the Count and viscount looked upon her as an interloper and were not shy about articulating their views. The Colonel had already left with his regiment for the continent by that time. Elizabeth told William, truthfully, she did not mind and could handle their hostility on the rare occasions she saw them, but he would not have it. After their first dinner together where their incivility bordered on rudeness Darcy politely requested an audience with his uncle and elder cousin. She never did learn what was said, but from that day forth each gentleman expressed his contempt for her solely through looks and the occasional wayward comment. When they stepped beyond that they were treated to the infamous Darcy temper._

" _Watch yourself, Uncle. Elizabeth is my wife and she is mistress of this home. Moreover, she and I seem to have more intimate knowledge of this situation than you do so her perspective may prove invaluable." With that he transferred his gaze from the Count to her at which time his eyes went from cold and hard to soft and gentle in an instant. "Indeed, I always find it so."_

" _Yes, fine. She may stay." The Earl huffed. "Now tell me how is it you have knowledge of this plot."_

" _There is no plot." Stephen's voice held so much sadness Elizabeth could not help but go to him and place her hand on his arm. He looked close to his breaking point. He had just watched his beloved mother waste away and die and now his father, who had always undervalued and abused him, was accusing him of manipulating her for his own gain. It was too much. William shot her a look of concern she did not quite understand, his eyes trained on her hand which rested on the Stephen_ _ **'**_ _s arm. Seemingly unconsciously Stephen laid his hand on top of Elizabeth's as he hung his head. "Mother is gone and all you care about is propping up your dying estate." He turned accusing eyes on his father. "Perhaps if you spent a little less of your time and money on your mistresses, your card tables and your drinking you would be able to make the three estates and two thousand acres attached to the Fitzwilliam name something more than the reason the creditors are willing to continually extend your loans."_

 _The Earl moved swiftly to his son and raised his hand as if to strike him. The Colonel neither backed away nor broke eye contact with his irate father. He merely moved Elizabeth so that she was behind him while the two men regarded each other coldly. The Earl, though now in his late fifties, was still an imposing figure. But his son was not intimidated and stared into his father's cold eyes waiting for either words or the blow he appeared inclined to deliver. Catherine's imperious voice seemed to make her brother remember himself._

" _Robert, calm yourself. And Stephen do not use your grief as an excuse for incivility. We are not common." When she had stared down the two men sufficiently to cause them to turn from each other Lady Catherine continued. "Let us hear what Mr. and Mrs. Darcy know of this and then we can determine how best to proceed." She resumed her seat and with a regal nod of her head indicated to her nephew that he was to offer his knowledge at this time._

" _You will recall Mrs. Darcy and I were in town last month and we called upon my Aunt." His uncle slumped down into a recliner and Darcy continued eying his cousin who retreated to the far end of the room to stare out the lone window. Elizabeth followed him and took the opportunity to lead him to a seat as well, keeping him as far from his father as possible. "We knew Aunt Susan was ill and so had not called as we did not want to burden her but she sent a note round asking us to come. It was one of her better days."_

" _She was sitting up in bed and taking some broth. We spoke first of general things. She inquired after Elizabeth's family and Georgiana who was in Bath at the time with Elizabeth's younger sisters. But it was not long before she told us there was a matter of import she wanted to discuss with us. She went on to relate, what you no doubt now know. That she intended to leave the remainder of her marriage portion which had not been allocated to Margaret to Stephen. She had met with her family solicitor the previous day to discuss the legalities of it and was assured it was permissible under the terms of your marriage contract."_

" _Why would she tell all of this to you?" There was the normal derision in his voice whenever the you in question included Elizabeth and although she normally avoided speaking to his Lordship she felt herself sufficiently involved in this particular situation both by the Countess' actions and her friendship with the Colonel to warrant the activity._

" _The Countess indicated a concern that after she passed some people might question how her decision came about. She wanted us to bear witness as to why she did what she did."_

" _And why was that?" he asked in that same tone he reserved especially for her._

" _When Colonel Fitzwilliam volunteered to serve under Lord Wellington on the Peninsula the Countess was beside herself with worry," although Elizabeth did not want to distress Stephen she felt she had to emphasize this point to capture the heart of the conversation that day, "she shared with us how she had despaired of his returning safely and even intimated that she had wanted to bestow a similar gift long before under other circumstances but she would not elaborate. Regardless, she was determined that because she had the legal right, felt she had the moral duty and certainly the heartfelt desire. She said she would do it this time regardless of any objections. Even yours." She concluded looking at Stephen._

" _She told us she feared the reasons you denied her before would cause you to attempt to reject the bequest." Elizabeth paused hoping Stephen would explain the reasons his mother thought a soldier who had to risk life and limb constantly, who had no home or income but that which depended on the good will of his family would not desire an estate of his own. Moreover, why a loving and devoted son would not simply accept a generous gift to appease his mother who so clearly, and justifiably, worried for his safety. After a moment of silence the Earl spoke._

" _I suppose you have spoken to the solicitor?" The Earl directed this question to Darcy._

" _I went directly to his office after bringing Mrs. Darcy home that day. I wanted to be sure everything was as my Aunt wished." At his Uncle's incredulous look Darcy continued. "It seemed the least I could do. Someone needed to look out for her interests when she was in that condition, but it was unnecessary. The solicitor, whose firm has served her family for generations had done his job well and all was just as she said. There was not, there is not, a way to undo what she has done. Maplehurst is Stephen's."_

 _The Earl looked both angry and defeated at this assessment. Lady Catherine looked, as she so often did, calculating and haughty._

Now as she stood in her black mourning gown Lady Catherine looked as Elizabeth had perhaps never seen her. Distraught and almost sympathetic.

"Elizabeth, dear." She said in her usual imperious tone but the condescension was softened as she held out her hands. After a moment of stunned silence Elizabeth went to her and took her silk gloved hands in her own.

"Lady Catherine."

"How you must be suffering, my dear. I know I never understood how my nephew cast aside his duty and right to marry from his own sphere and take the place in society that was his due as a result, but I never doubted your devotion to him. Indeed, how could you not be devoted to one who would deign to marry so beneath himself and elevate you as much as was possible given your origins."

It was an insulting speech, but Elizabeth heard buried in it sympathy and understanding. She heard that Lady Catherine knew she was suffering because her husband was gone and even if the imperious woman could not understand why William loved her she knew, indeed believed it was appropriate due to the difference in their station **,** that Elizabeth loved him dearly.

"Well I am here now and you need not concern yourself with anything, but mourning your grievous loss. I will take care of everything else."

"Your ladyship . . ." Stephen began, but Lady Catherine was not to be gainsaid.

"Stephen, enough. I am sure you did what you could, but you are a man. A single one at that. You cannot know what suffering Mrs. Darcy has endured." Elizabeth allowed herself to be led to the settee. "And although I am sure your own relations tried to offer what comfort they could as well they also do not know what responsibilities are yours now as mistress of this great estate and heiress of the Darcy legacy. No, it is I and I alone who know what it is to lose a beloved husband and be left with the burden of carrying on by one's self. **"**

It briefly occurred to Elizabeth that Lady Catherine was indulging in some revisionist history in order to align their two pasts. By all reports her two- year marriage to Sir Lewis De Bourgh was one of convenience and the two barely tolerated one another until he died in a carriage accident. In addition, Elizabeth was more alone in a very real sense than Lady Catherine had been for Lady Catherine had had Anne while Elizabeth was and now and would forever be childless.

"Come, child you should not be up and around entertaining and managing the staff. You will leave that to me."

Elizabeth wondered at this extraordinary piece of sympathy from a woman who had at most tolerated her during the course of her marriage to her nephew. But she obeyed none the less. Mostly because it was easier. Although she would miss seeing Stephen for the rest of the day she was coward enough to take the opportunity to avoid Lady Catherine. She asked Mrs. Reynold to send her secretary to her sitting room and she was able to finish letters to all of her family, eat her meal and begin a new book before she began to worry once more why her husband's aunt was here at all.

Day 216

Elizabeth awoke from her sleep as was her custom of late grieved and hollow, but aware of the reality in which she now lived **.** Her walk that night had taken her to the room she had shared with William for the five years of their marriages. The memories had been so sweet. The pain so overwhelming. When she returned to her own room she was exhausted and broken. But her dreams brought her where her life never could again. Consequently, she desired to remain in her dreams when the day pressed onher to begin, but she used much of the strength she lacked during the day to push them away and face the tasks before her. Abigail helped her dress and informed her of Lady's Catherine's actions the day before.

"She settled herself in her usual rooms with enough trunks to last her two seasons. She and Sir Stephen dined together and she kept him up a while with all sorts of questions about you."

"How would you know what was discussed, Abigail?" Elizabeth teased, knowing her maid was a master at acquiring information from the rest of the staff.

"I could not say, mistress. But I could say that even though her ladyship would deem it entirely improper Sir Stephen awaits you in your sitting room."

"Thank you, Abigail." Elizabeth said as the maid finished her hair. "Then I suppose I can ask him what it is that her Ladyship was asking about you rather than relying on your third hand information."

"Yes, Mrs. Darcy." Abigail left with a smile.

Elizabeth entered her sitting room to find Stephen on the settee reading the paper.

"Stephen, let me look at you. Turn round." She said as he stood to greet her. "Well I don't see any marks left by the inquisition."

"So your spies have told you." He smiled.

"What does she want, Stephen? She was so strange yesterday. So kind and sympathetic I almost didn't recognize her."

"Indeed, but I do believe their deaths did . . . she did love them in her own way."

They both considered this in silence for a moment.

"Perhaps it is simply that she is realizing her family is important no matter how lowborn." Elizabeth half teased. "She has been at least somewhat less imperious since she lost Anne last year."

"She certainly appears to want to assist you."

"And of course control me. Let us not be naïve, but yes that is Lady Catherine's way of assisting."

"She was very concerned about your recovery. That is what she was asking about last night. Asking very minute questions about your improvement. What treatments we had tried. How long you are awake each day, how alert you are, how much you are able to manage the estate etc. She plans on speaking with Dr. Tate today when he comes. Is that acceptable?"

"I have no objection to her speaking to him, but I know he will not divulge any details about me to her Ladyship."

They discussed their aunt for a few more minutes then moved on to their more traditional subjects – the estate, staff, investments and Stephen's own estate. After an hour they went downstairs to greet her Ladyship together.

A night's rest had not changed Lady Catherine's aberrant behavior. She was still solicitous of Elizabeth's comfort. Ensuring that she had what her Ladyship determined was the most comfortable chair and insisting she eat what her Ladyship determined was the right type of food, which she had ordered prepared and the right amount. Elizabeth was at turns amused and exasperated by her Ladyship's actions.

What was more exasperating and less amusing was Lady Catherine's insistence that Elizabeth rest more and leave household matters herself. This was not something she was willing to do but she found herself unwilling to hurt a woman who seemed to be truly trying to help. And so she sought to give her Ladyship the appearance of what she wanted while instructing her staff to come to her with any concerns. She did see this as an opportunity for something else that seemed rather necessary than desirable.


	11. Chapter 11

Day 218

"Stephen you know I am right." Elizabeth insisted as they walked leisurely around the small western garden. Slowly she had been able to get farther and farther into the walkways, but she still tired quite easily. It was now midday when her Ladyship took a nap and they were assured of some privacy.

"Elizabeth, I know you are convinced of her benign intent but she is still a Fitzwilliam. I cannot leave you to her mercy."

"Do not mistake my physical frailty for weakness." She said with no little irritation. "While your comfort and care have meant more to me than I can ever say I am not an invalid."

"And you know I do not think of you as such, Elizabeth. That is not what I am saying."

"I know." She conceded. "And I would not have you leave for good. I do need you. I will admit that."

"A fine concession coming from you and I appreciate it."

"I am simply urging you to take this time while someone else is here to assist me to go to Maplehurst and handle the myriad of matters I know require your attention."

"Why did you not suggest this when some of your family were here." He asked in obvious exasperation. "Someone who I could trust."

Elizabeth wondered at Stephen's deep suspicion of his Aunt. Was it simply because she was born a Fitzwilliam and therefore must be as sinister as his father? Or was there something else? She pushed those concerns aside and focused on what Stephen needed.

"I was not ready." That was partly true. But the larger truth was that her family was not what she would need in Stephen's absence. They would ask things of her. Company, conversation, memories even. Clearly Lady Catherine, whatever else she may be seeking here at Pemberley, would not expect Elizabeth to entertain her or even perform her duties as mistress. "Please go now and do what you must. I know you will return."

"Of course I will return." He rejoined as if the implication that he might not was beyond insulting.

Day232

Lady Catherine had been at Pemberley for over three weeks. Stephen had been gone for almost two. He had finally relented and gone to Maplehurst. What neither of them had planned for was that he would later be needed in London. He had left for the city from his estate four days prior.

Elizabeth was somewhat content as she was spending very little time in her Ladyship's company. They took luncheon together and here Elizabeth was instructed in all the ways she must rest, diet and mourn to conserve her strength. It never seemed to be about recovery. For the most part Elizabeth listened attentively and nodded as if she was hanging on every word. She did have to assert herself on occasion. Like when Lady Catherine insisted she hire a companion to see to Elizabeth's needs more minutely. Certain this was how Anne had felt and been managed by her mother Elizabeth felt a brief kinship with her husband's cousin whom she never really knew. But she would not budge on this issue and after several days her Ladyship gave it up.

It was an existence she could manage, but she soon became convinced Stephen had been right in his suspicions. Lady Catherine was up to something. Though she could not determine if it was sinister or simply a desire to badger Elizabeth into a docile existence that Lady Catherine could thencontrol the way she had controlled Anne. Either way she wanted to stop her. Still the weakness plagued her and Elizabeth did not feel entirely equal to a confrontation with her Ladyship when she was not entirely certain what she was confronting.

"Will you be having your dinner here mistress?" Abigail asked as she entered Elizabeth's room. As was her custom at this time of day Elizabeth was sitting in the chair by her fireplace reading and trying to keep the memories at bay.

"Mistress." Abigail said standing in front of the fire. Elizabeth looked up.

"Yes, Abigail?"

"Shall I have a tray brought up?"

"Yes, thank you." Meal time always took Elizabeth by surprise. She was never hungry anymore and only ate because arguing with her staff about not doing so would take too much effort. Thinking Abigail had gone she turned her gaze back to the fire.

"Mistress, could I speak with you about something?"

"Yes of course, Abigail what is it?"

"Mistress, her Ladyship has dismissed several kitchen maids and the latest one was Daisy and you know the Finleys have wanted Mrs. Padmore in their kitchens for ever so long, but she would not leave Pemberley, but now that her daughter has been dismissed she . . . well she might be . . . I thought you should know."

This had all come out in a rush and ended with a curtsy as Abigail waited for her mistress' response. Lady Catherine must have been on a true tear to have flustered even the incomparable Abigail.

Mrs. Padmore was well known as the best cook in Darbyshire and their neighbors, the Finleys, who were no great friends of the Darcys for reasons going back generations which Elizabeth did not fully understand, had been trying to persuade her to join their staff for almost a decade. The loyal cook had never so much as entertained their offers, but she was matron of a large family which included several daughters also in service and with one of them apparently being let go, presumably in less than respectful ways, there was a very real possibility she, and her family, would find work elsewhere. That aside, Elizabeth did not like the idea of any members of her staff being dismissed without her knowledge. In the five years she had served as mistress they had only had to let three people go and each of those circumstances was specific, painful and dealt with in the best possible way.

"I think I will eat in the small dining room, Abigail." Elizabeth said. "And please ask Lady Catherine to join me if she is able."

Elizabeth steeled herself for a confrontation but when Lady Catherine swept into the dining room she was her usual solicitous self toward Elizabeth's needs. Even if those needs included her agreeing to treat her staff better.

"And so you will see not attempt to interfere with the staff again?" Elizabeth said after she had reviewed her concerns over what had happened.

"Of course, Mrs. Darcy." Lady Catherine agreed immediately. "I would have liked to impose more of a sense of order and decorum around Pemberley, for your benefit of course, but if for the time being that is causing you more worry I will abstain from making any changes."

Elizabeth refrained from pointing out the many things wrong with that allegedly conciliatory statement and focused on their small point of agreement.

"Thank you, Aunt Catherine." Having dispatched with the issue Elizabeth intended to attempt a covert walk in the garden if she could procure a servant to assist her.

"I should also inform you that your Uncle, the Earl, will be arriving tomorrow week."

This had the potential to be bigger issue than the loss of all of her beloved staff, who were essentially her family. The Earl of Matlock had an ulterior motive for every action, even visiting the estate of his recently deceased niece and nephew. And likely if he had a plan Lady Catherine was a part of it.

However, Elizabeth did not feel equal to the task of deducing the motives of her Fitzwilliam relations at the moment. She cursed her own weakness whose lingering effects she deeply resented.

"Very well." She said as she rose and made her way to the door. "Does he intend to stay long?"

"The length of his stay is not yet decided as it will depend on what he has discovered in his time in London." Elizabeth wondered at his being in London at the same time as Stephen – had Stephen known of his father's presence? Had they seen one another?

With that enigmatic response Lady Catherine gave Elizabeth's shoulder a quick squeeze and excused herself saying she had correspondence to attend to. Elizabeth finished her meal and then returned to her room. Although she did briefly wonder what her uncle could have done in London that would then bring him to Pemberley Elizabeth found she could not even begin to come up with an acceptable answer. She knew what she needed to do.

Day 234

Mrs. Elizabeth Darcy heard even more guests were expected in her home several days later.

Mrs. Reynolds stopped by her study as per their custom at midday with a tray. She encouraged Elizabeth to eat and they spoke briefly of the household accounts. Then she introduced the topic on her mind.

"I have arranged the Rose room for the Earl as you have requested."

"Thank you, Mrs. Reynolds I will deal with Lady Catherine's displeasure when she realizes he is not to be placed as she instructed."

"Yes, Mistress." Mrs. Reynolds said. "Her Ladyship has also requested that the green suites, the blue room and gold chamber be prepared."

"Whatever for? No never mind, of course you could not inquire. Thank you, Mrs. Reynolds. Prepare the rooms as Lady Catherine has asked."

Elizabeth was no longer surprised at the imperiousness of her husband's Aunt. She had swept into Pemberley a month ago attempting to take over the running of the estate, to control Elizabeth. Perhaps this was out of a misdirected sense of familial duty and sympathy perhaps it was something more malicious. However, this, this inviting not only the Earl but additional guests - there had to be an intention behind it. Lady Catherine was not one to entertain guests and the Earl only entertained those who could advance his social position. Why would he choose to do so at her home and not his own?

She knew her husband's relatives should not be underestimated. She knew she needed an ally and although her servants were loyal and steadfast what she needed would not be found at Pemberley at present. Elizabeth was thankful she had written her letter

Day 238

Elizabeth saw Mrs. Reynolds in the entryway and asked her, "Her ladyship, the Earl and their guests have departed?"

"Yes, Mistress. She requested the curricle to show them around the park. They will take luncheon at the gazebo by the lake and return this afternoon."

"Excellent. Thank you."

Elizabeth had come down only once the day before to greet the guests and then plead a headache to excuse herself from dining with them after they were installed in their rooms. Lady Catherine's overt solicitousness when Elizabeth explained her inability to join their guests for the meal raised her suspicions even further and had her berating herself for not questioning the very uncharacteristic behavior sooner.

"Sir Stephen, Mrs. Darcy." Hodgins announced moments before Stephen himself appeared in the entryway.

As she watched him sweep in through the front door and saw his eyes dart around no doubt seeking her Elizabeth thought back to the last time he came through that door when each of their shoulders were decidedly less burdened.

" _Lizzy, Lizzy Stephen's carriage is arriving." Georgiana exclaimed as she burst in to the music room where Elizabeth had been practicing a new arrangement._

" _He is early for once." Elizabeth answered rising to join her eager sister._

" _I do hope we can arrange a race. Last time was quite enjoyable and even though William was quite put out that Stephen bested him I did so love it!"_

" _Well, Stephen managed to create quite a fair like atmosphere so it is no wonder you enjoyed yourself. We all did. As to the race itself William did insist there was some irregularities on the course where we could not see."_

" _Such a sore loser." Georgiana laughed and Elizabeth agreed. She did love the way Stephen and William acted like boys when in each other's company. William was by nature serious and Stephen had become so much more reserved and withdrawn since he had returned from the continent. Together they brought out the mischief in each other and Elizabeth was glad for it._

 _They swept from the room laughing and came to the entryway just as the door was opened for their cousin._

" _Stephen!" Georgiana cried as she paused barely long enough to curtsy before launching herself in to his arms._

" _Little one." He chuckled catching her easily._

" _You know I despise that nickname." She complained as Stephen placed her back on her feet. "You have been calling me that since I was a baby. I am twenty-one now and a full head taller than Elizabeth. Should not she be called little if anyone must?"_

" _I am sorry, Miss Darcy." Came the formal reply. "You are indeed a woman and not a child. The name is not meant to convey that I view you as small only to show my brotherly affection."_

 _Georgiana looked away. These conversations had become all too common in the last year. Georgiana insisting Stephen see her as a woman and Stephen reminding her he sees her as a sister, no matter her age. The pain on the young girl's face was difficult to witness. Elizabeth wished Stephen could return her affection, she thought one day he would see they could suit._

" _Elizabeth." Stephen said taking her hand and placing a quick kiss upon it. "It is good to be back at Pemberley."_

" _We have missed you. Managing Maplehurst is taking far too much of your time. We insist on having our share. "_

" _Very well then. I have left my very capable steward in charge and so for the next month I am at your disposal."_

" _That is wonderful is it not, Georgiana."_

 _Georgiana murmured a halfhearted ascent made all the more conspicuous for its contrast with her earlier enthusiasm._

" _Indeed it is." William agreed as he joined them. "Welcome, Stephen."_

" _Thank you, Darcy." Stephen answered as the two embraced. "It has been too long. Almost half a year without Pemberley is simply too much. Georgiana, would you be so kind as to show me how the lovely rose gardens you and Elizabeth spend so much timing tending are faring?"_

" _Certainly," Georgiana replied with slightly more eagerness. "They are truly beautiful. My sister has a gift. The roses have flourished under her care."_

" _Then let us go." He offered her his arm and they strolled down the hall toward the gardens._

 _After they had left Elizabeth took her husband's arm and began a familiar discussion._

" _Do you really think he will never come around to considering Georgiana as a perspective bride? She cares for him so."_

" _Elizabeth, must we?" William responded with evident exasperation. "We have been through this. Georgiana must set her heart on another. Stephen long ago gave his to someone and he will not wed."_

" _Yes we must for you never say more than that. I do not understand. If he loves this woman so much why does he not pursue her? You said he fell in love before he came into his estate and his elevation to the baronetcy. Surely if fortune were an issue whether because the lady lacked it or desired more from a suitor that problem is now solved."_

" _Elizabeth, can you not just leave it be?" William pleaded._

" _You know I cannot. Two people we love are unhappy. I know Georgiana's unhappiness stems from her feelings for Stephen. You tell me he cannot wed our sister because he loves another which must make him unhappy. I am simply trying to find a way to help someone in this unfortunate scenario find happiness. It is mostly your fault."_

" _And why is that? William asked with a smile._

" _Because now that I know what utter joy and contentment can be found with a love match I am more determined than even the famed Mrs. Bennet to marry off everyone I love in like manner."_

" _Well I cannot apologize for that."_

" _Then will you tell me of Stephen's lady so I can determine how best he can win her?"_

" _It has been years, Elizabeth can you not see he has no hope. Why should you?"_

" _I am an optimist by nature, my love as you well know."_

" _Fine, I will tell you the little I can without breaking a confidence but in return you must promise me something."_

" _Certainly."_

" _We will not canvass this subject again."_

" _But I will not be able to devise a successful strategy and execute it with only one conversation."_

" _There will be no strategy, Elizabeth. The woman Stephen's loved did not reject him because of his lack of fortune. She was not like that. Rather she chose to marry another."_

" _How difficult for him." Elizabeth allowed considering Stephen's disappointment. "When did this occur?"_

" _It has been years now."_

" _But if she is married why would he not consider another? I understand he must have been very saddened by the circumstance, but he cannot mean to pine for this lady for the rest of his days."_

" _I do not consider him to be pining. He gave her up entirely of course. He knows she is happy in her choice and that is all he wants for her, but despite my urging he will not consider marriage. And yes, love I have spoken of it to him. I love him as you do, as a brother, and want him to find happiness as we have, but he is adamant and frankly does not wish to discuss it anymore. So I have respected his wishes in not mentioning it to him in some time now and I will respect them and not discuss this further with you or anyone else from this point on. I only told you this much because I know your kind heart is in the right place, but you must leave this. If he ever changes his mind it will not be because we have interfered it will be because time has healed him."_

" _Very well, husband." Elizabeth responded emphasizing the last word as she always did when she called him that. "I yield to your superior knowledge of the situation. I will not attempt to interfere in Stephen's romantic affairs again."_

" _I think that is for the best. Now shall we join the others in the garden?"_

Elizabeth returned her mind to the present, but found herself unable to stop the flow of tears the memories evoked. She was thankful to find herself in a warm embrace.

"Do not try and keep it in, Elizabeth. Not with me."

Looking up at him Elizabeth saw that Stephen's eyes were glassy and red. She regretted that they had not grieved together. They had worked together. Talked together. He had helped her in her recovery and they had spoken every day when he was at Pemberley. But she had held her grief apart.

"I promise I will not if you do the same." She challenged looking him in the eyes.

"Very well." He nodded and they stood together silently for a moment.

"Stephen," Elizabeth said. "I am so grateful you have come."

"I feel I should never have left." His tone was faintly accusing.

"I know. You were right. I am sorry."

"You need not apologize. We made the decision together, but please tell me what has you so worried, so distressed. I know I have learned much to cause concern, but has my father done or said something since his arrival?

Elizabeth's letter had simply communicated the impending arrival of the Earl, she had not known of the additional guests when she had written it nor had she yet endured a week of imagining what the Fitzwilliam family was planning.

Elizabeth told him of her concerns about the Earl and Lady Catherine and about the identity of the other guests they had brought to Pemberley though she did not mention why one guest in particular concerned her.

Stephen's arrival brought Elizabeth not only great comfort but also, finally, someone who could help her discern what ends the Fitzwilliam family might be seeking with their presence in her home.

"I feel as though we have found ourselves amid one of Miss Radcliffe's novels or rather I almost wish we were. Ghosts and monsters are preferable to my family's machinations." He declared and they both laughed, real genuine laughter. "Now shall we discuss our predicament?"

"Indeed let us go to the library for Lady Catherine will not think to look for us there for quite some time."

She took Stephen's arm and they made their way down the hall. They heard voices coming from the main entryway and quickened their pace.

"A narrow escape." Stephen declared as they entered the room and moved deeper inside the nearly cavernous room lined on three of its four walls with floor to ceiling shelves. All of which were filled with books of every size shape and color. Elizabeth stared about like she was seeing an old friend for the first time in an age. Volumes she had read, wanted to read, ones she had purchased or William had purchased for her could be easily discerned even amongst their thousands of compatriots. The hours she had spent in this room, the conversations, the debates, the content silence all swirled around her.

" _If you had seen this room on your tour of the estate with your Aunt and Uncle I would suspect your motives for marrying me." William teased the first time he showed her the room._

" _You would have been right to." Elizabeth said moving further in to the room and running her fingers along the bindings of the books to her right as she did. "I would marry any man for this." With that she spun her arms flung wide indicating the whole room._

" _How fortunate for you this paradise came with a handsome agreeable man and not an older miserly one."_

" _The handsome I will give you, but agreeable . . ."_

" _Elizabeth!" William pouted sweeping her in to his arms. "Now I will show you how disagreeable I am by continuing the tour. You have not seen the kitchens, nor the stables, nor the ten guest bedrooms. Come along wife."_

 _. . ._

" _Elizabeth, if you continue to buy books at this pace every time you are in London William will soon need to expand Pemberley to accommodate you." Georgiana declared as the two worked to organize the new additions._

" _The novel I have been wanting!" She exclaimed a few minutes later. "Oh, sister you are too good to me."_

" _Georgiana how many times must William and I tell you? We cannot possibly be too good to you. You are worth it all! Although I do wish you hadn't found it so soon because now I suppose I will be unpacking the rest myself." Elizabeth sighed dramatically._

" _And you, Elizabeth do not mind at all. I can tell. You are as eager for me to read this as I am." She smiled and fled to her favorite chair in the corner._

" _Yes I am for we must discuss it as soon as you are done. Now read, sister, read."_

 _. . ._

" _Elizabeth, I have found you at last.' William said with a smile as he entered the room closing the door behind him._

" _If you spent time looking anywhere but here, my dear husband you have learned little these last three years."_

" _It is true when the weather is this cold and the snow this high there is no refuge from Aunt Catherine and the Earl out of doors and so this is your usual hiding place; however it will also be the first place they look for you and so I had thought perhaps you would have chosen differently."_

 _By now William had joined Elizabeth on her favorite sofa by the fire and was trying to discern what book she was reading._

" _Indeed you were not incorrect to credit me with cleverness and a strong desire to avoid your relatives until we come together this evening. If only we had not permitted Georgiana to visit Longbourn with the Bingleys. She is such an effective buffer."_

" _You planned her visit to spare her this one, my love. Now how is it we will not be discovered?"_

" _I may have indicated to Mrs. Reynolds that I desired for our guests to believe that this room had recently been found to have a mouse infestation and was even now being treated for the problem."_

" _An outright lie!"_

 _Elizabeth simply arched a brow at him and looked toward the corner of the room before returning her attention to her book._

 _From that day on her pet mice, dubbed Catherine and the Earl, sat caged in the library intermittently. They were often carried to the kitchens by Mrs. Reynolds or some footman or another for food or to have their cage cleaned._

"Elizabeth."

"Yes, what is it?" Was the startled response.

"You were lost in the past once again." Stephen mused as he came to stand beside her. "Catherine and the Earl?"

"What?" She asked.

"You were looking at their corner. Were you remembering when we finally set them free in the woods?"

"No, the first time I had them brought here."

"It is important to hold on to our memories, Elizabeth, but we cannot live in them."

"I realize that." Elizabeth sighed. "But truth be told, Stephen sometimes I want nothing more than to crawl inside my memories and stay there for they are the only happiness I have left."

"Yes, but it is the present where we have some real problems we must face."

"You know something about what your father and aunt have planned."

"Unfortunately, I do and, Elizabeth, it is serious."

The two sat on the chairs facing the fireplace and Elizabeth was so absorbed by Stephen's dire warning that she failed to be drawn in to memories of the hundreds of times she and William had taken similar positions.

"Tell me all that you know." She insisted.

While in London Stephen had stayed with his brother. From him he had learned some details of their father's plan. Though his brother did not part with them willingly or in any organized fashion, but only after consuming copious amounts of brandy and scotch.

"I do not know all but the Earl has always desired two things above all else – wealth and social standing. Right now he believes he can achieve the latter through an alliance with the family of the Duke of Denbign."

A piece fell into place as several members of the Duke's family were among the guests the Earl had brought with him. This family included a gentleman who was, unfortunately, not unknown to Elizabeth. She told Stephen only that the family was here. Elizabeth rose and began to pace.

"When I last spoke with him he mentioned an alliance, but I did not know with who I did not ask, did not think to inquire about his methods at the time. I should have realized that was why he was here.

"He was here." Elizabeth surprise was complete.

"I was not certain if you remembered. When . . . after you contracted the fever the second time . . . My father came. He said he was concerned for you."

"At Pemberley?" Elizabeth exclaimed. Knowing the Earl had been here. When she was at her most vulnerable sent a chill through her. "Why am I only now hearing of this. Stephen?"

"I did not want to upset you." Stephen had risen as well by now and they stood watching one another.

"Stephen, you cannot treat me as if I am a fragile doll. That has never been . . . you have always been . . . I expect more of you."

He looked at her with gentle defiance.

"You ask too much, Elizabeth. I have watched you nearly die 3 times by my count. I have witnessed the labored breaths, the fever-induced delirium, the nightly wanderings, the steady weakness. I know that you are one of the strongest woman in all of England. That belief has never wavered. But you do not take into account all you have suffered these many months and perhaps you also fail to remember I have been right here through it all."

His voice had risen throughout this speech and by time he finished his eyes were shiny with unshed tears and Elizabeth heard the raw emotions which she now understood he had been holding back from her. He held her eyes for a moment with an almost glare but then whatever he saw in her own gaze softened him at least slightly.

"You must allow that I had good reason to keep this from you at least until you were farther along in your recovery."

Elizabeth wanted to say that Stephen had no right to keep anything that happened in her home from her, but she did understand his fear of contributing to another setback and moreover she was reluctant to argue with him given the emotional display she just witnessed. Her precarious health was clearly taking more of a toll on him than she had previously imagined.

"I would be more likely to allow it if I understood more of what was going on, then and now." She said, unwilling to concede anything further.

"I understand." He said and Elizabeth suspected he probably understood more than she wanted him to. "I will tell you all that I know, but would you mind sitting down, not because I believe you are fatigued." He said quickly when she looked about to protest," but because I am tired."

Knowing this to be a blatant falsehood Elizabeth agreed because she was tired and compliance would get her the information more quickly. When they had stationed themselves in the chairs once again Stephen began his tale and if Elizabeth thought the things she knew were the worst of it she soon learned how mistaken she was.


	12. Chapter 12

**Okay so I changed the direction here a little bit because I decided I wanted to plant the seed of something that I will water in a few chapters and which will bloom soon I promise. So this is quite a bit different in some places from how it first appeared. Sorry to shift on you - the perils of a WORK IN PROGRESS I guess.**

Day 234

Lord Gordon, Elizabeth tried to suppress a shudder as Stephen began his explanations with her least welcome guest. The Earl of Matlock, for all of his qualities that made him reprehensible to Elizabeth, was powerful and popular in many circles, circles that mattered. However, because of the Earl's spending habits his family coffers were perpetually empty. His abysmal financial situation left the marital prospects of his second and only unmarried daughter somewhat diminished. She had her portion from her mother, ten thousand pounds, but this did not attract the kind of wealthy and powerful suitor the Earl desired to align the family with. So now Margaret Fitzwilliam had reached the age of 23 without her father finding any of her suitors acceptable **.** But of course, with the Duke being one of the most powerful men in England and without an heir his brother, Lord Gordon, had his pick of potential wives. Moreover, at forty he was notoriously choosey. It was also well known that the Duke and his brother had recently had a falling out and as a result Lord Gordon had little to support himself currently but his mother's goodwill as he was her favorite. He both needed and wanted a wealthy bride.

"I had assumed that my father was simply trying to ingratiate himself with a marginally influential man who might one day wield substantial power. Because Lord Gordon's financial circumstances are nearly as bad as my father's I assumed the Earl might be hoping to induce him to consider Margaret and intended to use Pemberley as a backdrop to demonstrate the wealth and connection our family still holds. Of course, this situation would be unacceptable for Margaret, whose heart we both know is engaged elsewhere, and I would have found a way to stop him, but I have learned it is more dire than simply an attempted match."

"What do you mean?" Elizabeth asked, not able at all to see where this tale ended.

Stephen took a deep breath, Elizabeth held hers. When Stephen stood and began to pace she imagined the worst and silently begged Stephen to prove her wrong. Finally, he turned and sat back down.

"He wants to have you declared incompetent so that he can be named your guardian." He said at last in a slow and maddenly calm tone.

"How is this possible?" Was one of many questions Elizabeth had regarding such a plan. "And to what end?" Was another she blurted out before Stephen had a chance to offer his answer to the first.

"As to the former question I believe there are multiple answers. As for the latter, I do know something of how he plans to accomplish it."

"Stephen this cannot be!" she exclaimed. "I cannot believe him capable of this nor do I believe it possible under English law."

"I am sorry to say he is, Elizabeth and I would ask that you bow to my superior knowledge of how low my father is willing to go to achieve his ends and those of his allies when I tell you that he would do this and worse and if he were to gain access to your wealth and holdings you can well imagine . . ."

"But to set aside his nephew's wishes for what I assume is pecuniary gain and to facilitate a desirable match for his daughter." Elizabeth argued, her panic rising. Her belief in the Earl's decency was not deep, but her inability to conceive of how he could do what Stephen was saying allowed her to refrain from fully giving in to the alarm that his warning raised.

"Elizabeth," Stephen said in a tone of resigned desperation, "have you ever known my father to do anything for any reason beyond money, connection, prestige or power?"

She wanted to answer yes. It seemed important that she find an instance to offer in resistance to this predicament Stephen was suggesting. However, in the end after considering her five-year acquaintance with the man as well as every story she had heard from her husband and the man in front of her she could offer nothing to counter his contention. But she still had hope.

"But Stephen surely just because your father desires something does not mean he can make it so. Will . . ." she still faltered at the sound of his name on her lips. "William's will was prepared and executed according to the law. How can it be set aside? I am mistress here. I have control over our assets do I not? How could your father change that?"

It was still an idea she was not quite used to but she would fully embrace it now as it meant thwarting the plans of the Earl and protecting everything she and William had built.

"As to that I am not entirely certain. But I know that the Earl would not have begun negotiations with Lord Gordon if he had at least some assurances that he could succeed." Elizabeth knew Stephen was holding something back, but she did not press him as she feared what it could be at this point. Given what he had revealed, his father's plot to steal her home and security and marry off his sister to a man she knew to be of questionable character – what was he not telling her? She was most fearful because she was almost certain she knew what it was.

"Elizabeth, there is something more."

She merely nodded for him to continue, not trusting her voice.

"Although from what my brother told me, my father had Margaret in mind for the marriage and is still pressing that end Gordon . . .

"Wants me." She finished for him. Her voice dispassionate and final as she rose and stood before the unlit fireplace.

"How did you know?"

"How well do you know Lord Gordon?"

"Not very well at all. However; I began making inquiries after my brother told me about the plan for him to wed Margaret."

"And what did you discover about him?" Elizabeth asked as she now pacing.

"Nothing good." Stephen confessed and then catching Elizabeth's hand, urged her "Perhaps you should tell me of your experience with him."

She stopped and looked at him. It was true that there was a story to tell, but she was not ready to speak of it.

"Stephen, please. I have to know why you are so worried about this. As I consider your father's wishes I am horrified at his intentions, but fail to see how he expects to bring them to fruition. You obviously believe it more of a likelihood than I so I have to ask – what do you know that I do not?" She squeezed his hand, which he still held, presumably to halt her pacing.

"He is claiming that you are unfit to preside over all that Darcy left you. He has asked to be named your guardian in order to safeguard the Darcy holdings. As such he would have control over any major decision affecting the estates, investments and your remarriage. He has filed a petition with the court. I do not know if he will be granted a hearing."

"This is all too much." Elizabeth declared. Although her strength was returning she was far from returned to normal and with news such as this she found herself in need of a chair for support and was not entirely certain she wouldn't succumb to unconsciousness if Stephen had any more to tell.

"It is a lot to take in. Both their plan and their complete disregard for you. I have only learned this much because my brother cannot hold his liquor. He does know how much he revealed to me. He was full of questions in the morning." This brought a slight smile to Stephen's worried countenance. Elizabeth smiled too, despite the circumstances. When she first met the viscount she could not understand how two brothers could be so different but she had come to understand them each better over the years and to appreciate their peculiar rivalry which lacked the friendly comradery of that of Stephen and William. Of course neither Stephen nor William were raised by the Earl to be his heir and bear his expectations and be asked to constantly partake in his schemes and machinations. Elizabeth did not necessarily like the viscount but she thought she understood him a little. Returning her thoughts to the problem at hand she asked:

"And how far is that? I cannot believe it so easy to declare a sane, healthy woman unfit and strip her of her independence and family fortune. Nor can I believe my husband's wishes would be so callously disregarded by his family? As he clearly intended me and not they to be the arbiter of the Darcy wealth and property."

"My father and Lord Gordon and his family are powerful. They are arguing that the fever affected your mind. You have been left in control of a vast fortune, Elizabeth. Someone, at least feels the case must be heard as it has not been dismissed out of hand. They could go before a magistrate as soon as next month."

"I must go to London immediately to meet with our solicitor, prove my fitness of mind and plan my defense."

"It was for that purpose I went to London."

"You met with Mr. Alden?"

"Yes."

"And?"

"And, Mr. Alden was already aware of my family's efforts. Apparently, the Earl had at first challenged the will directly. This was immediately unsuccessful. Darcy was no fool. He and Mr. Alden crafted a will that could withstand any challenge."

"That is good news."

"But it also reveals another problem."

"Another?" Elizabeth was certain she could not manage another.

"Mr. Alden wrote you immediately after the Earl had attempted to challenge the will." He let that sink in and Elizabeth immediately realized what this meant. Someone at Pemberley was not only monitoring her correspondence but also keeping cetin letters from her. It was a betrayal of the worst kind.

"But, Stephen if this is so I cannot imagine they would have been so eager for my note to get through to you after Lady Catherine arrived." Elizabeth said. Even as she said she shuddered to think of what might have happened if he had not come.

'I am not certain that is the case." Stephen answered. When Elizabeth regarded him with confusion he explained," I have led my family to believe I will support their efforts and as they know you and I are quite close they are keen to have me as an ally. You know I have been suspicious since Lady Catherine arrived so I thought it politic to begin to cultivate their good will beginning with her and so I have been. As far as they know I am ready to be a good little soldier and advance the Fitzwilliam cause. They have promised me a great boon." He gave her a playful wink.

"Stephen!" Elizabeth exclaimed. From what little he had told her about his time on the peninsula Elizabeth knew Stephen had been a spy. Had pretended to be many things he was not, a turncoat, a Frenchman among others. He was literally a master of disguise, had been rewarded handsomely by the crown for his abilities, which by all accounts had gathered intelligence which helped win the war. However, Elizabeth imagined these roles, behind enemy lines, came easier to him than dutiful son to Richard Fitzwilliam, Earl of Matlock. But he had gained an advantage for them they might well need.

"I wish you had not been forced to do it, Stephen but I applaud both your ingenuity and your ability. I can hardly believe your family would credit you as a willing participant in any scheme of theirs but I know better than to doubt skill which the Regent himself has honored." She smiled and he turned away, as always never wanting to be remained of any accolades he received for his service. One day she might press him on that but today they had urgent matters to consider. "So we must discover the spy, but their attack on the will was unsuccessful so that should be an end to it?"

"That simply required them to change their tactics. Which is why Lady Catherine arrived here solicitous of your comfort and encouraging you to abdicate any duty."

"She intended to make me an invalid?" Elizabeth questioned quietly. "And possibly replace some of my loyal staff while she was at it." She added, remembering some the people Lady Catherine had tried to remove from Pemberley.

"That certainly seems to be part of it. She was also gathering intelligence about the state of your mind and body. Although I think her intent was primarily to keep you so comfortable and uninvolved that you would not object when the time came to having your life directed for you. Lady Catherine knows marrying Lord Gordon would likely not be your desire, but in truth I think she believes you will do as you are told at this point and rely on the opinions of others, particularly hers, to tell you what is best."

"Well, it is unfortunate I gave her so much intelligence to convey to your father!" Elizabeth declared thinking of her weakness, her nightly wanderings and the days she allowed Lady Catherine to believe she was incapacitated just to avoid her. "You are saying her intentions are less sinister than your father's?"

"To a certain extent. They want the same thing, but from the conversations I have had with her, Lady Catherine believes she is doing what is best for you and, since Anne's passing as you know, she has developed a somewhat maternal feeling for you. That is not to say she would not support my father in forcing his will on you because she also sees this as your duty to the family just as marrying Anne was Darcy's duty. You know how she felt about his decision in that regard. From something my brother said I think she hopes you will do as you are told and the rest will prove unnecessary."

"By the rest you mean you father's plan to declare me incompetent under the law!" She said almost hysterically, hardly able to believe they were discussing these things at all. "The attack on the will was unsuccessful and now they hope to make me appear unfit and gain control over my home and everything else . . .William intended . . . for Pemberley and all of the rest of the holdings for which I am now responsible. The means they will use to do this is simply the influence inherent to titled families?"

"Not simply that, Elizabeth. The Darcy properties are extensive and if the Earl's allies can convince the crown's representatives that they would be in jeopardy under your care they may be able to persuade someone with enough power to act that you should be removed from a position of authority over such large estates and investments. The crown does have a vested interest in seeing that the Darcy holdings do not fail."

"This is hardly encouraging."

"I realize that, Elizabeth, but while I want to bring you comfort I first want you to understand the situation fully."

Elizabeth nodded both appreciating Stephen's frankness and resenting the reality he presented.

After this it seemed that there was little more information to impart. Stephen did not know any more about what his family had done to further their plan to have Elizabeth removed in her capacity as mistress of the Darcy estates and controller of their holdings. Only that they had begun and could be heard by a court within the month. If they were not able to convince a court to hear the case this would be the best possible outcome.

Dinner that evening was an awkward dance. The party, which include Lord Gordon's mother, met in the parlor and Elizabeth listened with what she hoped passed for interest as the Dowager Duchessspoke of the joys of the London season and what was fashionable this year. Elizabeth circulated about the room never spending more than a few minutes with any of her guests and avoiding Lord Gordon as much as possible without appearing to be doing so.

The meal was as anticipated. Conversation stayed on acceptable topics such as weather, mutual acquaintances and the gossip of London. Elizabeth half expected someone to ask her for an accounting of rents from her estates, returns on her investments or at least a list of those employed on the estate. Surely if they thought they should direct her affairs they would want to begin to gather intelligence. As soon as the gentlemen had rejoined the ladies after the post meal separation Elizabeth excused herself claiming fatigue. She was not feigning it. The mental and physical exertion was taking its toll and now more than ever she wished she could leave all vestiges of the cursed fever behind.

"I know normally a hostess must not retire before her guests, but my Aunt has so thoroughly made herself at home here these past weeks I feel secure in her ability to be your hostess in all matters and I will content myself with a lesser role." She said smiling sweetly at Lady Catherine.

"Of course, Mrs. Darcy." Lord Gordon said moving to stand a little too close. When he would have taken her hand to no doubt place yet another kiss upon it Stephen approached and offered his arm.

"May I escort you, Elizabeth you appear a little fatigued."

"Yes, thank you, Stephen. Good night, Lord Gordon." Elizabeth said, smiling past her guest.

Day 235

The Earl's party was to stay ten days at Pemberley and Elizabeth did her best to avoid them outside of mealtimes. She was growing stronger every day and although she still required rest each afternoon she no longer needed to sleep during the day to maintain her strength only sit quietly and read or review letters and accounts. She took short walks with Stephen in the gardens when her guests were otherwise occupied, her loyal staff kept them all quite separate.

Day 240

A few days before the guests were scheduled to leave shortly after Stephen received an express he requested Elizabeth's presence in the library.

"Stephen, what is wrong?" Elizabeth asked as she entered the room and took in his haggard appearance. She knew he had been expecting word from his man in London, a friend from the army who had been charged with finding out as much information as he could about the players involved in what had become their very own Shakespearean drama.

"I am sorry to report, Elizabeth that there may be a greater chance than we first believed that the Earl will be appointed your guardian."

Elizabeth fell into a seat as Stephen explained that after presenting their arguments to a magistrate the case was now to be heard by a Judge. In their correspondence with the Mr. Alden they both knew that this was the first hurdle the Earl had to overcome in his quest to control Elizabeth and her property. The fact that he had done so already was disturbing and meant his chance of succeeding was greater than they had wanted to believe.

"Elizabeth I feel you have before you three choices."

"Very well. What do you think they are?" Hoping he had seen a way she herself had not discerned Elizabeth listened. She had come up with only one way to escape the plans of the Fitzwilliam family but she knew it was a desperate and outrageous proposal that would demand far too much of the man in front of her. But what if it was the only way?

"Well first, you can wait and hope my father is unsuccessful. There is of course the risk that he will not be and this could result in you being forced to eventually submit to his guardianship. We have discussed what this would involve. He could not actually force you to marry, but with control over Pemberley and all of your assets he could essentially blackmail you into doing what he desires through any number of ways. But the other outcome is he could be unsuccessful and you could retain control over everything, but it would not prevent him from trying again when the political wind shifts back in his direction."

"But that is completely untenable. As you point out the uncertainty could go on for some time. Indefinitely. Mr. Alden has been clear on that. Even if this judge is unsympathetic, with the Earl's influence he could continue in his attempts to have his case heard." Elizabeth argued.

"This is true."

"Your second choice is to accede to my family's wishes."

"Absolutely not." She nearly shouted, unable to believe Stephen would even suggest such a thing.

"I realize that it is not something you want to consider but if I am putting all of the options before you I feel that should be one. You would gain a powerful ally in the Denbigh family and likely Lord Gordon would not want to interfere in the running of Pemberley. His life is in town you would be able to go on here much as you have."

"Stephen, you and I both know that Lord Gordon is not simply interested in my money." Elizabeth hesitated, not wanting to say more, not wanting to consider the implications of more, "I have been married for the past five years. I know what that means and I am absolutely unwilling to submit to that plan. Do you feel I should consider it? Do you desire me to do so?"

"No, of course not." Stephen said fiercely. Then resuming his more detached tone he went on, "I know there is more to your acquaintance with Gordon than you have told mebut as I give you your other options which may seem as distasteful I did not want to refrain from pointing out the potential benefits of each one. Forgive me. I feel helpless and only want to give you a way out not untenable options. I apologize if I made you feel as though I wished any of this on you."

"Very well, I am sorry to have thought otherwise. Under no circumstances will I consider marrying Lord Gordon. What do you consider to be my other choice?"

"You can return to Longbourn."

"What?"

"Your family would no doubt welcome you home. If you renounced all rights to Pemberley and the other Darcy holdings my family would be upset, but after some negotiations they could be persuaded to let you go. Indeed, they would have no leverage to make you stay. All they could do is threaten a scandal which would not concern you and could only taint them so in the end they would not follow through. If we began now we could set aside a significant amount of money so you would not need to depend on your family to support yourself, but would need to reside at Longbourn or with any of your sisters. Until you remarried, if you remarried. My father would have no say in any case."

"Give up Pemeberley, and everything William and I worked for. Let them have it all?"

"You would be free of their machinations. Free to live another life."

"But I chose this life." She stood now and began pacing. This was not something she had considered. "I chose William, I did not understand fully what that meant then, but in time I came to choose all that came with him as well. The responsibility, the legacy we meant to pass on to our children.

"You have no children." Stephen said quietly. He knew how painful that truth was to Elizabeth. How painful it had been to his cousin.

"But I have seen how your father manages his estates. Our tenants would be exploited. He would be negligent and reckless at best more likely he would bleed Pemberley dry and every person who depends on us would be betrayed simply because I desire . . .." She responded desperately.

She had hoped when Stephen began listing her options that he had come up with one that would allow her to escape his father's machinations without resorting to the solution she had conceived. Her plan was extreme to be sure, but it also answered all of the problems presented by the Earl's attempts at controlling her. But it asked too much of Stephen. Simply because she had resigned herself to a life of nothing more than duty and honor did not mean she should condemn Stephen to the same thing.

"You said I had three options, but Stephen I have been thinking and rethinking about this every spare moment since we spoke last week. I think perhaps there is a fourth option, but I am hesitant to even voice it." She said, before she could stop herself. Fear and desperation had made her reckless. Reckless and selfish, a voice inside accused.

Stephen looked directly at Elizabeth as she turned to face him fully, trust and concern clear in his bright blue eyes.

"Elizabeth, if you think there is a way we can free you of my father's control and still save Pemberley and all those who depend on the Darcy family, please let's hear it."

"Very well, but first you must promise me something."

"Anything." He said without hesitation.

"And that is why I am reluctant to even discuss this option. You are willing to do anything for me. Even if it is harmful to yourself, but I cannot ask you to do something that will hurt you. So, you must promise me that you will not agree to anything that will be harmful to you."

Stephen looked confused but Elizabeth stood silently waiting for him to consent. She held his eyes as he seemed to search hers for some sign of what she would be asking of him.

"I am not certain I can make that promise."

"Why?"

"If something that causes me some pain or discomfit will remove you from a situation that has the potential to be truly harmful how could I choose my own comfort over your well-being. Do not ask it of me."

She should have known he would be difficult. In the end it didn't matter if he promised. He would do what he felt he needed to in order to assist her in any case so the promise before he knew what she intended was probably not the best way to ensure he was protected. They would simply have to talk it out as they always did.

"Tell me what plan you have conceived. I would dearly love to know what option I have failed to consider." He said after some moments, his voice an equal mix of skepticism and hope.

"You can marry me." She said, forcing herself to look him directly in the eye despite a feeling of embarrassment which accompanied her pronouncement.

He stared at her as if she hadn't spoken for a full minute before asking, "I am sorry I must have misheard did you just say . . .?"

"You can marry me." She said again simply before launching, somewhat breathlessly, into her plan, her reasons and her offer. "We could procure a special license and be married from Kympton church as soon as we get it. It would be in name only. I will not ask anything of you. Only that we communicate our marriage to your family. You will be free to live at Maplehurst without any interference from me. And I thought . . . I could even offer you . . . that is to say I know there are some improvements you have wanted to make to the main house. I could provide you with the funds." She said this last part quickly and without looking directly at Stephen knowing that he might misinterpret her offer.

"Elizabeth, I would never take money from you" as if this was the easiest part of her plan to deal with, "I do not think you have thought this through." At this he began pacing, then paused to look at her directly. "In fact I am certain of it."

"Of course I have. This is all I have been thinking of since we first learned of your father's plan. I am responsible for the well-being of hundreds of people here at Pemberley. Not to mention how Pemberley impacts Lambton. Under your father's control Pemberley could become like Matlock. I will not allow that and I will do anything to stop him from gaining control over what . . William worked so hard to build. What the Darcy family has protected for generations."

"But this is an extreme solution. You cannot have considered it fully. And to rush in to it . . ."

"The solution is, I believe, as extreme as the predicament I find myself in." She countered suddenly feeling quite overwhelmed. "As to timing we do not know when the Earl's case is to be heard. If he is declared my guardian he would be able to deny me the right to remarry, foreclosing this option in the future." Again, the panic rose in her as she considered what might happen to her if the Earl did succeed. "You would be free to live your life exactly as you did before."

"But we would be married." Stephen pointed out a little hysterically as if Elizabeth had failed to see this one major flaw in an otherwise brilliant plan.

"I realize that, Stephen. But it need not affect our lives. We can go on as we always . . . as we would have." She faltered knowing nothing would be as it always had been. She had had such a brief moment of joy, of happiness with William, a dream she would always long for.

"It would remove the threat your father and Lord Gordon pose without losing my home and abdicating my responsibilities, it also removes the elements of uncertainty the first option you presented has of waiting to see how the court rules. I understand I am asking you to sacrifice a tremendous amount, Stephen. Although I would expect our lives would not be much altered I know that there is still a great deal you would be giving up in order to do this for me. So please take time to consider what is best for you."

"Elizabeth." Stephen interrupted in exasperation. They were both standing now in front of the fire place. "Please stop speaking of a marriage between us this way and help me understand how you came to consider it."

He looked at her and she pleaded with her eyes as much as she had with her words for him to understand what seemed to be an incomprehensible idea.

"Let us sit. First, we are not considering, Stephen. You are. I have thought this through and need only to know if you are willing to commit to this idea. You would be the one making all of the sacrifice, so you must take the time to consider carefully and not give in to your natural impulse to simply do what might be best for me. I would be gaining everything I want, but you would be precluding the possibility of ever finding love and true companionship just to help me avoid an admittedly dire situation."

"Elizabeth, were the situation not so dire I would have some flirtatious retort ready in response to your admission that by marrying me you would be gaining everything you want." Stephen said with a ghost of a smile. But Elizabeth could not help but see true pain in his eyes. Pain she had put there by asking this of him, by forcing him to consider giving up on the woman he loved in order to save her. How desperate she had become that she would do that to her dearest friend. A choice between her and his one true love. It was most unfair of her and she was ashamed. It had been wrong to ask this of him. How could she let him give up on whatever idea of love he still held whether it was for the woman he had desired years ago or as an ideal he had yet to obtain.

"Stephen, you are the dearest person in the world to me now." Elizabeth began, wanting to make him understand that she would never blame him for refusing her.

"As you are to me," he responded before she could continue.

Elizabeth was struck by how their loss had created this sad truth. A few short months ago William and Georgiana and possibly Jane would have held this position in her heart. But now William and Georgiana were gone and Jane could not begin to understand her grief. Jane did not love those she lost like she did, like Stephen did. Elizabeth suspected it was the same for him. William was closer to Stephen than anyone and Georgiana was like a sister to him. They were now closer to one another because of loss and she should no.

"But you are right to be skeptical. I was wrong to ask this of you. You deserve a life based on love and affection. I should not have asked you to consider sacrificing yourself for me." She said with true regret.

He regarded her with a look of condescending affection.

"Elizabeth, if I married you I, the second son, would be gaining a vast fortune, numerous estates, a beautiful, intelligent wife and would be upsetting my father a great deal which as you know is one of my favorite things to do."

"Stephen, be serious." Elizabeth admonished and although she meant it, they really needed to find a solution that would actually solve her problem, Elizabeth enjoyed seeing a glimpse of the old playful Stephen. "You care nothing for estates and wealth."

"But I do care about you, Elizabeth, you know that. But what you are asking . . . It is . . .you cannot know what it would mean for me."

"I know. I do know. William told me years ago." Elizabeth admitted. She saw Stephen flinch and rise, but was determined to explain herself and so she continued, "and that is why I should not have asked this. I should not have even mentioned it. Perhaps what is conceived in the dark recesses of a grief filled room by the mind of a near panic stricken widow should not be spoken of in the light of day to others"

"What do you mean you know?" Stephen said slowly, carefully. Then going to stand by the mantle he turned his back to her. "What did Darcy tell you?"

"That you love someone or that you have loved someone." When he turned to look at her, his blue eyes accessing and wary, she went on with what little William had shared with her, "that because of this you have eschewed any offers from families of young ladies who have been thrown in your path no matter how wealthy, lovely or charming. I know she is married or was at least engaged at one point."

Elizabeth watched an array of emotions cross Stephen's face. Believing at least one of them was anger at William she rushed to explain.

"Please do not blame . . . William. It was . . . he was trying to explain why you would never . . . I was pressing him on you and . . . Georgianna." She finally managed to say.

She watched Stephen's face closely. His eyes more specifically. Wanting to know if he believed her. If he was hurt by William's disclosure, if he blamed her for knowing this intimate piece of his heart that he had not chosen to share with her. She watched the pain turn his bright eyes dull before he closed them so she could not see what came next. Taking a deep breath, he turned from her once more. It was a long moment before he spoke and when he did it was not what she expected him to say.

"You do not like to speak their names." He said, walking to the window, bracing an arm on the wall.

It was true, but hardly the most significant matter at hand.

"I don't." she admitted. "It hurts when I do. Somehow, it makes it more real. The words. As if they are less absent when I do not speak them."

"I understand."

And she knew he did.

"Stephen, please do not blame William for telling me," Elizabeth could not bear it if she had tarnished the strength of their bond.

"I don't."

"But you blame me for knowing?" she asked wishing he would look at her.

"No."

It was unlike Stephen to be so inscrutable and unreadable leaving her to guess not only what was on his mind but how she might alleviate his concerns. He remained at the window.

"Stephen, please." Elizabeth pleaded, going to stand beside him. "I am truly sorry. I should not have suggested such a thing. It was foolish. More than that it was incredibly selfish."

"No, it is not foolish. Nor was it selfish. I know if you only had yourself to consider you would go straight to the gallows without complaint. You are trying to protect the people of Pemberley and Lambton. As to what Darcy . . . If Darcy told you all . . . you know that there is no obstacle for me."

Surprised that Stephen was wiling to speak of this at all, although he still refused to look at her, Elizabeth took the opportunity to speak of it with him.

"But, Stephen, I do not know all of the particulars, only that she loved another, but whether she is married or was engaged . . . If you marry me and she becomes free one day how can . . . what if? I cannot allow you to foreclose the possibility."

"There is no possibility." He said quietly.

"How can you know? It could happen and then you would be free to court her if you were still unattached and how could she not fall for you?"

Now finally, he looked at her in his dark blue gaze Elizabeth saw an accusation she did not understand.

Slumping as if in defeat he sighed, "Because she always thought of me as I did Georgiana. As a brother. From the very start of our acquaintance. Just as I had never and could never consider Georgie as something beyond a sister she could never see me as anything but a brother. It was always that way for us. This is not an obstacle."

"If you do not see your future happiness as an obstacle I wonder what is?" She asked in confusion. His reaction to her plan had been such that she was certain it was based on this, his devotion to another. If not this then what?

Stephen sighed deeply, ran his finger through his thick sandy hair and began pacing. He paused several times to look at her and made as if he would speak but instead he would pause run his fingers through hair again, sigh and start the pacing all over again.

"I see several obstacles. The one you might address is . . . well it is a similar concern to the one you have regarding myself." When Elizabeth looked at him for further explanation he shook his head and finally sat down, but not, she noted, in the empty seat next to her. He chose a chair indirectly across from hers and failed to look her in the eye when he resumed.

"I know that now in the midst of your grief you cannot imagine a life with someone else, but . . ."

"Stephen, you of all people." She accused.

"Elizabeth, I do not mean to upset you, but if we are going to speak frankly and about marriage, between us no less I must . . ." he hesitated.

"Go on." She replied, uncertain if she would like what she heard next, but knowing she had to allow him to speak his mind.

"Very well. What you desire barely six months after losing your husband may not be what you desire a year from now or five years from now." He said simply and then waited for her to fill in the rest of his question. Elizabeth understood his meaning all too well. This was a concern easily dealt with.

"Stephen, I would never marry at all but for this situation we find ourselves in. I would not . . there is no need to consider my marrying for love." She said hoping he understood without having to elaborate.

"Elizabeth, you cannot know that you will not feel differently . . ."

"I am sorry but I must be equally frank with you." He nodded and she continued, "Having never had what . . . William and I have . . . had you cannot understand. Knowing what that kind of love is I would never be able to enter in to a marriage that offered less and no one would be able to offer me that so therefore I will never marry. Unless you agree to my proposition." She added quickly.

"But Elizabeth," he looked even more uncomfortable now. "There is something else I have to believe you would not be so willing to sacrifice if you were more clearly considering the future."

"I am not sacrificing anything. It is you who I am asking everything of, Stephen."

Stephen ignored this and pressed ahead to make his point, though he seemed uncharacteristically shy about articulating it. Finally, haltingly he made her understand that he was concerned she had not considered children.

His face had gone slightly pink at this and Elizabeth did not see why until she realized what he was asking.

"Stephen, no." She almost laughed. She almost cried. Laughter, thinking how terrified Stephen must have been at what he thought she might be asking of him and sorrow at the idea of what she knew she was giving up forever. But the latter was a choice that was made for her when William was taken, maybe before then. They might never have had children. Knowing she could not afford to dwell on these thoughts she sought to reassure her friend.

"I seek only a life of use. A life where I can serve the people of Pemberley. One where I can be an Aunt to my nieces and nephews, watch little Thomas grow. I ask no more." She hoped he would not push her further and held his eyes as long as he needed to read the truth in hers.

He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. Elizabeth could see he was not well pleased with her.

"Stephen, I do not want to force you to do something you believe is wrong simply because you are now convinced it will solve a problem for me."

"How well you read my thoughts, Elizabeth." He sighed and his tone confirmed that he was in fact seriously displeased although if it was with the notion of the marriage or her ability to read his thoughts or something else entirely she was uncertain. "You must know I would do anything for you, but . . . there are things I cannot explain."

"Cannot or will not?" Elizabeth asked. She could see Stephen was truly torn and she believed that he intended to refuse her, she wondered if he even realized this. It would cause him so much pain to know he could help her and to not do it. She worried about what this would do to him. She worried about what she would do now. She worried about how she would stomach Lord Gordon at breakfast. She worried about her tenants and servants. She worried about who the spy was in her household. She worried if a court in London were even now deciding she was not of sound mind. She worried.

"Both." Was the cryptic reply.

"I owe both Jane and Kitty a letter." She said rising. "I think I will attend to that presently.

"Elizabeth, I hardly think we are done here."

"Stephen, you know my thoughts and feelings. I am most ashamed of myself for even bringing this up but now it is between us and I know you must consider it and should you decide it is a worthy course of action you will let me know. But I beg you to think not only of me and what is best for my life and even Pemberley, for I know you care for the well-being of our families as much as I, but please consider yourself, your happiness and well-being too if only because they matter so very much to me." Believing she had relieved him of as much guilt as possible she swept from the room leaving Stephen alone to consider her very unorthodox proposal which would upend both of their lives and set them on a collision course with a good portion of his family if he chose to accept her. That brought a smile to his face before he considered what else a marriage between them would mean for his own future.


	13. Chapter 13

**So some warnings. This chapter speaks briefly about the death of a child and hints very vaguely at assault.**

Day 240

Later that day she stood in the foyer and greeted her new guests, one of whom she was meeting for the first time. She tried not to wonder where Stephen was and what he was thinking as the newcomers entered the foyer and she welcomed the travelers to Pemberley. It had been difficult to leave him to consider her proposal and his own thoughts without demanding they talk it through until they agreed, whatever that agreement was.

The party included Stephen's youngest sister, Lady Margaret and her brother the Viscount who were breaking their journey to Matlock at Pemberley. They brought an additional members of Lord Gordon's family. Lord Gordon stood beside Elizabeth as if it was his place and welcomed his sister as she alighted from the viscount's carriage.

"Mrs. Darcy, may I present Lady Eleanor Gordon." He said and Elizabeth stepped away from him, smiled at the woman and began exchanging pleasantries. Lady Eleanor was quick to offer condolences, something no one else in her family had done, and seemed genuine. In the course of their brief conversation she was open and inquisitive about Pemberley and Elizabeth's life there. Although not ready to accept any member of the Gordon family at face value she was pleasantly surprised by the sister.

"Maggie!" Stephen shouted as he strode toward them. "I am sorry I was not here to greet you properly."

Maggie stepped in to his embrace and Elizabeth was reminded painfully of Georgiana.

"Please refrain from that childish nickname, Stephen." The Viscount said. "She is twenty-three and should not be treated like a child."

"Nonsense." Stephen responded good naturedly. "She is still my little, Maggie."

"Mrs. Darcy," Margaret took Elizabeth's hands, Lord Gordon remained stubbornly by at her side. "Please allow me to extend to you my deepest sympathies on your loss. Fitzwilliam and Georgiana were the dearest people in the world and I know you must feel their absence most keenly."

Elizabeth squeezed Maggie's hand in acknowledgement, somehow Stephen managed to place himself between herself and Lord Gordon and the party began to move toward the sitting room. Lady Catherine, who stood in the doorway, went about ordering how the servants were to unpack the coach, the whole party were to proceed in to room for a brief repast and the travelers were to refresh themselves before meeting for dinner. Elizabeth silently prayed for the strength to keep her thoughts on this bit of imperiousness to herself.

The half an hour the party spent together after their arrival seemed to stretch on forElizabeth who longed for a moment alone with Stephen. She did not relish the distance between them especially when surrounded by so many adversaries.

The Viscount signaled a footman to refill his glass, for the third time. Lady Catherine was clearly quite put out at having been interrupted by the Dowager who seemed that Lady's equal when it came to imperious condescension. However, as long as they kept each other occupied Elizabeth would be glad for their matching personalities. Elizabeth had taken a few moments to engage Lady Eleanor in conversation and found her to be an interesting companion. She was about ten years Elizabeth's senior and having grown up the daughter of a wealthy Duke had a store of interesting tales to tell but lacked pretention and seemed genuinely interested in what others had to contribute.

"I must admit is nice to have a woman close to my age to converse with." Elizabeth confessed as they sat apart from the others by Elizabeth's favorite windows overlooking Pemberley woods.

"As am I, and in such a beautiful setting. Your home and grounds are so lovely." Lady Eleanor said. "I am quite shut up with my brother and his wife when we are in the country. She is wonderful, but quite occupied with the children. I do long for a young lady to share my thoughts with."

"I am pleased to have a chance to get acquainted." Elizabeth responded sincerely. It was uncertain if Lady Eleanor was a party to her family's machinations, but Elizabeth did not think so and she hoped not as she did seem like a sincere and kind woman.

"I am sure you realize this visit is intended to acquaint our families with another and determine if Lady Margaret and Edward might suit." Eleanor said puling Elizabeth from her thoughts with a conspiratorial smile. "I am hopeful it will be the case as she appears to be quite charming and your family of course all seem delightful."

Elizabeth could hardly think of how to respond. She wondered how well Lady Eleanor knew her own brother. She wondered how anyone who had spent any time in the company of Lady Catherine or the Earl could call them delightful. She wondered what to say to Stephen about this conversation. She wondered if Lady Eleanor noticed she had made no reply. In any case, she was called away by her mother and excused herself with a smile.

Stephen was presently staring blankly at a chessboard which stood between he and his father while the Earl carried on a spirited and decidedly one-sided conversation with his son. Elizabeth longed to know what animated the Earl so much and how Stephen could remain so unaffected by his father's increasing passion. Only by a slight twitch above his left eye could she tell his father's words were having any effect on Stephen. It was time to send her guests to their rooms.

"I am certain you are all desirous of refreshing yourselves before super." She said rising to ring the bell. "I will have someone show each of you to your rooms. Please speak to Mrs. Reynold should you require anything."

Even as she said this the faithful housekeeper appeared with a gracious smile and her air of competence and efficiency that soothed Elizabeth's frayed nerves as little else could. Elizabeth knew Mrs. Reynolds would have maids and footmen ready to escort the guests but she made a show of standing and talking to her regardless so that Lord Gordon would not try and draw her aside for some private conversation as had increasingly been his custom. A brief moment of eye contact with Stephen and he knew to stay behind. He remained in his seat by the untouched chess board as the rest of the guests files out.

"What did your father say to you?" Elizabeth asked as soon as the door had closed.

"Nothing worth repeating." He grumbled.

Elizabeth resisted the urge to press him, though she did little to hide her annoyance as she spoke.

"Well, Lady Eleanor said something to me which I had thought I should repeat to you."

Stephen merely raised a brow and she hated that their earlier conversation, that her proposal had taken away their easy comradery, their flawed interdependence.

"Or perhaps you do not wish to know." She said petulantly and moved past his chair to leave the room. Let him wonder about it for a while while she enjoyed some tea alone in her room. Somehow she would find a solution to all of this. She had not made it many steps when she felt a hand on her arm.

"Elizabeth." He said gently.

"Why?" she asked. It was not the question she had meant to ask, but she had to know.

"Elizabeth, I . . . we will find a way to stop my father. I give you my word." He had taken her hands in both of his and their eyes held. In his she saw both determination and regret. She thought she understood.

"Lady Eleanor spoke of Lord Gordon and Maggie. Of the hopes she and her family have for a match."

Stephen swore under his breath.

"My apologies." He quickly offered.

"My father's conversation was along the same lines. I had hoped he was just trying to provoke me. However it of course makes sense, not only would this require less work on his part, but also, he imagines, provide him a more biddable ally by the side of the would-be Duke."

"Do you think she is aware of your family's plans?" Elizabeth asked.

"Perhaps, but I doubt it. I will speak with her now. She is in the gold room?"

"Of course. It is her favorite." Elizabeth answered. After Stephen left Elizabeth wanted only to sink into the nearest chair and allow sleep to take her until morning. This, of course, was not an option and she took herself to her study and asked that Mrs. Reynolds be sent to her that they might make some final adjustments to the super menu as well as discuss the accommodations for the servants of the newest arrivals.

At dinner conversation was dictated by either the dowager or Lady Catherine who seemed to think they were vying for most gracious hostess. In Elizabeth's mind they were equals only in any contest for most overbearing guest. Lord Gordon had been seated by her and she lamented once again having given her aunt too much control in her home. However, with Lady Eleanor on her right she was able to manage some pleasant conversation and indeed Gordon appeared almost as interested in Maggie on his other side as in herself which concerned Elizabeth as much as any relief from his attentions relieved her.

Stephen was seated almost as far from her as possible, but Elizabeth noted with satisfaction that he was next to his sister. She was safe for now at least.

After dinner it became all too apparent that the whole party was keen to advance a match between Margaret and Lord Gordon. The gentleman himself seemed less averse to it than Elizabeth would have thought given her previous inability to remove him from her own side.

When the gentlemen rejoined the ladies after the separation following the meal, Lady Catherine immediately removed herself from beside Maggie at which point Lord Matlock practically escorted Lord Gordon right to her side before absenting himself. Stephen came to stand beside Elizabeth and she tried to attend to what he said as she watched the pair on the sofa.

She was not the only one watching. And those looks were telling. Other than Gordon who still did look at herself more than was appropriate most of the other occupants of the room watched the pair with smiles of apparent satisfaction. Feeling she needed a distraction Elizabeth excused herself from Stephen and approached Eleanor.

"Lady Eleanor, tell me about your family." She asked as she took a seat beside her.

Eleanor spoke of her departed father with fondness and shared memories of growing up. Then began to speak of her brother, the Duke of Denbign.

"He is kind and generous with me. I spend most of my time with he and Constance, but occasionally mother desires my company . . ." Elizabeth heard the wistfulness in Eleanor's voice.

"And you said they have children?"

"Oh yes, but only daughters. Six to be exact. Poor Constance. Mother says a wife is not doing her duty if she does not produce an heir. Especially when she is fortunate enough to marry a duke. And Constance had the apparent misfortune of producing six daughters over the last fifteen years. Although I do adore my nieces."

 _Elizabeth felt as if her heart were being torn into a million pieces. The baby in her arms looked perfect. So small, so still. She had labored for the better part of two days to bring her little girl in to the world and now she was here, but she wasn't. Her eyes stayed closed, her lips never moved, her arms never reached for her mother. . .weakness was overtaking Elizabeth and she heard Dr. Tate tell William something, felt him reach into her arms. She wanted to protest. This was her daughter, her beloved daughter and she needed to know she was loved, had been loved every moment she had been inside her, but all she could do was sigh the name she had prayed over her in her heart for months now somehow certain she had been a girl – Sarah. When next Elizabeth woke her daughter had been buried for three days and all she could do was weep at her small headstone which read "Sarah Elizabeth Darcy, beloved daughter."_

"Mrs. Darcy, are you quite well?" Came a vaguely familiar voice.

"She simply needs a little air." This voice was known. And dear.

"Yes, thank you, Stephen." Elizabeth responded, taking a deep breath and his arm as she rose. Lady Eleanor looked confused and worried. Deciding to be honest with her guest who seemed to genuinely desire friendship she said, "I am sorry, Lady Eleanor. I became lost in a painful memory just then. Please forgive me."

"There is nothing to forgive and please call me Eleanor."

"Thank you. I would like that, and please call me Elizabeth."

Walking about the large room on Stephen's arm Elizabeth tried to separate herself from the memory.

"Are you all right?" Stephen asked when they had reached the point where they were as far from the rest of the party as they could possibly be. "Sarah?"

"Yes." She said simply and they stood in silence for several moments. "I have not been to her grave . . . since the fever, because I did not want to see theirs."

"You have hardly left the grounds, Elizabeth. I have laid flowers there each time I visited."

She should have known.

"I suppose there is time enough to think on that.' Elizabeth sighed and let the memory wash over her again before asking Stephen to tell her what he was thinking regarding Maggie.

"Elizabeth, I am concerned about this new development. I cannot believe my father would be focusing so much of his energy on forwarding this match with Margaret if he had not some hope of success." Stephen said and although it was a somber, indeed dire, topic, Elizabeth was happy to be speaking once again as allies intent on solving a problem together. They had rejected all the proposed solutions discussed this morning, but she tried to remain confident that they would find another way. "Margaret is resigned."

"Resigned?"

"I have never understood her love for that man. He is gentler with her it is true. She seems to truly not know what he is or to be willfully blind at least. She says that if father deems the match appropriate she'll not oppose him."

"Not oppose him!' Elizabeth nearly shouted. Lady Catherine looked at her sharply and Elizabeth felt the rebuke. A lady does not shout. In a softer tone, she said, "she cannot be serious. She loves Mr. Wilson. They have been promised for two years."

"Elizabeth, Maggie does not have your . . . determination. She does not deem them promised as she has yet to summon the courage to even tell father about it."

Deciding to leave Margaret's "determination" for another day Elizabeth asked another question.

"But how can this be? I had thought, from what you learned of Lord Gordon's finances he would not be willing to marry a lady without more to offer?"

"There are still any number of unanswered questions." Stephen agreed.

"Then perhaps you should ask your brother. He is privy to your father's plans, or he has been previously." Elizabeth suggested.

"Elizabeth, my brother and I have not been in each other's confidence since we were boys."

"Yes, but in case you have not noticed he has been enjoying Pemberley's brandy since this afternoon and you were adept at convincing him to part with information when his tongue was loosened with drink in London were you not?"

Catherine's imperious voice calling out across the room for her share in someone's conversation prevented their continuing their own.

"Come to my sitting room after you have spoken to your brother no matter the hour. I will wait for you." Elizabeth whispered to Stephen before leaving him to tend to Lady Catherine. On her way she stopped by a footman with instructions to keep the viscount's glass full.

Although she told Abigail she would not be changing for bed that evening she asked her maid to stay for a moment and share with her anything she may have learned from the servants of their guests. Unfortunately, there was nothing new, but Abigail promised to attempt to discern what she could. Elizabeth also alerted her maid to the potential spy among them. Perhaps this was a mistake Abigail took to the case like an eager detective and Elizabeth was confident it the would either have the culprit's identity by morning or a good many ruffled feathers a result of investigating. Regardless, she left impatient to begin her sleuthing. Leaving Elizabeth with the thing she hated most – time. She wanted to wait for Stephen and with her worry over what he would learn she knew she could not sleep regardless. Deciding to attempt to lose herself in a book Elizabeth reached for the one on the table next to her favorite chair before taking a seat.

She did not realize her mistake until she had sat down. This was William's book. They each kept a book or two in this room to read for times when they would sit by the fire together or sit on the balcony on summer nights. The one she held in her hand William had just started. It was an unremarkable book on current crop rotation techniques. He had already shared a few of its ideas with her. Caressing the cover Elizabeth was unaware of the tears she was shedding until they fell onto her hands. She wondered how she would ever have the courage to enter his chambers and clear out his things, touch them, remember what they were to him. Six months and the pain seemed only marginally duller. Hugging the book to her chest she chose to find comfort in that margin.

"Elizabeth." A soft voice pulled her from a hazy fog.

"Stephen." She opened her eyes and shook the sleep from her head. Her rest had been brief she imagined and nearly dreamless, which was rare. "What is the hour?"

"Late." He said simply stepping away from her and running his hands roughly through his hair. One look at him and Elizabeth knew the news he brought was not good. Sitting up straighter she regarded him with a clear focus. She cursed the lingering physical weakness that still clung to her and would not allow her to fully recover her strength even now when she most needed it. Contenting herself with sitting up she waited for Stephen to enlighten her.

"What did you learn?"

"It is as you thought." He sighed sinking down into the chair opposite the settee. "Although my brother is a shallow arrogant selfish bastard, he does, in his own way, love our sister. It was not difficult to get him to reveal my father's plan."

"Which is to marry her to Lord Gordon?"

"Yes." Stephen looked truly desperate now and Elizabeth's heart went out to him even as she tried to devise a way out of this new predicament. "Go ahead and have a drink. You could obviously use it."

"You don't mind?" he asked making his way to the brandy decanter by the side door. She knew he understood what memories it would hold. He understood so well that each object in this room, indeed in the house, held dangerous recollections for her. She appreciated his care, but they needed to get through this.

"No, please." She said. When he had poured himself a glass she urged him, "tell me what you have learned."

"It seems Lord Gordon's finances are in even worse shape than is generally known. He needs an infusion of cash and he needs it soon. Maggie offers enough cash to settle his debts and the promise of additional capital later if the Earl is successful in his endeavor to gain control over your assets. It seems that enters into the agreement somehow, although Edward does not know exactly how. Our father has also offered to support several of his more far-fetched bills in the Lords."

"I cannot allow this, Elizabeth." He reached once again for the decanter but she stopped him. "He is a cruel and arrogant man who . . . I imagine you know the rest, "again he waited for her to tell him what she knew of Gordon and again she did not.

"Stephen of course we will not allow this. We will find a way." They sat down on the sofa and pondered all they knew in silence for several moments.

"Short of taking my sister away and hiding her where no one will find either of us for the rest of our lives I do not know how to protect her. My father, the Duke's family, Gordon hold all the cards." Once again he pulled at his hair.

"So it would appear." How could the powerful, wealthy and heartless people around them keep laying traps they seemed unable to avoid.

"Elizabeth," Stephen said, turning to face her, "are you still willing to marry me?"

"Stephen, I do not know if that is wise." Elizabeth answered truthfully though if it was the only way to protect Margaret she knew she would do it.

"You offered it as our only solution just this morning." He countered.

"Yes, but just this morning you rejected the idea and perhaps I now see the wisdom in that."

"Because of the reasons I presented?"

"No, Stephen it is only . . . I cannot . . . the idea of preventing you from marrying for love, of denying you . . ."

"Elizabeth," Stephen interrupted with that authoritative tone she only ever heard him use with others. "I . . ."

"Stephen," Elizabeth interrupted right back with a tone of her own. "I know everything you are going to say and yes of course if you think it is the only way, I will marry you and prevent your father from accessing my money. We will protect Maggie together. I only want you to be certain. You are the first person to sacrifice, to do whatever you need to to look after your family and friends, but earlier you were determined to find another way. It was important enough to you that we not marry that you were willing to risk it."

"Elizabeth, you must know that I would never have let my father succeed in his attempts to control you, that I would have never let Gordon near you." Stephen promised fiercely.

And she did know, but it stung somehow that he was only willing to consider marriage when it would safeguard Maggie. But she was his sister and Elizabeth reasoned that it showed Stephen trusted her, trusted them to find another solution when the problem at hand was only theirs.

"Elizabeth, please tell me you believe me."

"Of course I do." She said with only a slight hesitation. "But Stephen, are you certain that this is what you wish now? Could we not still find another way?"

Elizabeth did not wish for him to sacrifice so much for either herself or Maggie. She wondered if perhaps despite his protestations he still held out hope for this unknown woman. If he did, if there was some way to bring them together, she would not be the one to foreclose that possibility for him forever.

"With two wiling participants, I am afraid the marriage could take place at any moment though I doubt they would be quite so hasty. Edward indicated that Gordon would like to proceed with some speed however and I do not trust my ability to persuade Maggie to object. I love her, but she is far too willing to do as father bids. I think we may be out of time."

"Then let us sleep on it at least.' Elizabeth said. "If another solution does not present itself then . . ." She did not allow herself to finish her sentence, how could she? What would she say? If we cannot, in the next day, think of a way to stop this plan then I will marry you and allow you to give up a hope you have carried in your heart for years?

"Very well. Good night Elizabeth."

Day 241

The next day passed much as the many before it had. The additional guests brought added burden and some relief. Lady Eleanor was proving herself to be a kind friend. The viscount for all his flaws distracted Stephen with some fencing practice. Lady Catherine continued to try and order the staff to do her bidding in the most unreasonable ways. The Earl and Lord Gordon prowled about and Elizabeth imagined they were calculating the value of the silver and artwork.

In the afternoon Elizabeth walked in the garden with Margaret and tried to persuade her away from Lord Gordon.

"He has been everything charming to me." Maggie insisted when Elizabeth began to point out some of his less than amiable qualities, without getting to his true character at all.

"But what about Mr. Wilson? You love him."

"I do, but father does not approve. Or he would not if he knew. Henry's estate is so small . . ." Tears shone in her eyes, but did not fall.

"That is important to you?"

"To me? No, but to father and to our family. Lady Catherine says . . ."

"No good can come of a sentence that starts that way." Elizabeth insisted.

"I am not like you." Maggie said softly. "I could not live with myself if I caused a rift in my family. When you married William and then faced them all down and dared us to dislike you I was in awe of you. I cannot imagine what that was like. I admired you, but I could never have done it and I could not do it now. I know you married for love and you want me to do the same. It is kind of you. Kind to me, to Henry, but I am not brave. The decision is mine and I must make one that know I can live with."

Elizabeth's heart broke. Not for Margaret and Henry for she imagined there was still a way for them, but for Stephen because she knew now that in order to save Maggie from a fate she did not recognize as worse than disobedience and strife he would be giving up the love that Margaret was so willing to forfeit. It seemed so very unfair. Elizabeth considered telling Maggie about Gordon. About that night, about what he did and what he told her he would do, but what if it was not enough and what if all it did was make her realize that her father was willing to sell her to such a man? Then they would still be left with only one solution and Margaret, who somehow still believed in her father's love, would be shattered.

"You are brave, Maggie." Elizabeth said, taking the young girl into her arms. "And I love you very much."

Elizabeth found Stephen in the library.

Stephen looked up from his book as she closed the door. "I thought you were to go for a ride with Lord Gordon and your brother?"

"It seems my horse had a faulty shoe." He said with a smirk.

"And our stables have no other horses?"

"I wanted to stay behind and be sure Hades had not suffered any injury. Better safe than sorry."

"Indeed."

"You spoke with Maggie." He sighed, seeming to know how it went.

"You were right."

"It is a curse." He tried to joke.

"There is no other way?" She asked with a hint of desperation.

"Now you find marriage to me so distasteful?" Again, it was the same old teasing voice, but it fell flat and accentuated the tension not only of their situation but between them.

"Stephen you know you are providing me with all the protection I need. I am taking from you . . ."

"If you truly believe you are taking something from me than let me ask from you two things to even the scales."

"Anything."

"Do not speak of it again."

It was the one thing she did not want to give him. The one thing she feared would only increase the distance she already sensed between them, but how could she deny him when he was giving her so much. She only nodded.

"And the second thing?"

"Tell me what Gordon did to you."

Elizabeth felt a panic seize her and her heart began to beat quickly. She placed a hand over her chest and took a deep breath.

"Elizabeth," Stephen's voice brought Elizabeth back to herself, she felt him take her hands in his. "I do not mean you must speak of it now, but I want your assurance that you will tell me."

"I will," she assured him, "and Stephen, he did not harm me. What I mean to say is I can only imagine what you are thinking. He and I have barely spoken before this visit, our encounter was brief and my . . . what left a lasting impression is far more what was said."

This did not seem to placate Stephen as she had intended. He looked angry and determined, but he merely squeezed her hands gently in his.

"If you are determined we should proceed with haste." She said after a moment.

"I will send someone at first light with a message to Mr. Miles. He will be surprised no doubt but I will leave it to his great fondness for you to smooth things over once we see him."

"Do not pretend you have not been a great favorite of his since you were a boy, Stephen. Shall we go to him right after breakfast?"

"I think that is best. Will you be ready?" He said in a detached tone she did not relish.

"I must admit it is all very sudden, but yes I can be ready. I do not believe there are any in the party staying with us that appear below stairs before ten. As a habit you and I breakfast quite early perhaps if we simply continue this."

"Elizabeth." He stroked her hands which he still held in his. "If you are having second thoughts please tell me now. I will not judge you."

"No, it is not that. It is just so simple. We will meet for breakfast, see the vicar and get married. It is all decided and done within a day. I am . . . only adjusting to the idea, Stephen. And which, I will remind you, was mine." She looked in to his serious blue eyes and knew he had spoken the truth. Despite his deep love for his sister and his desperate need to protect her he would not by even the slightest hint pressure her to take this step and in that moment she felt his love for her as never before and in it found a depth of comfort and peace she had not known since she was given the knowledge of Williams's passing. "I am determined."

He smiled a sly mischievous smile. Elizabeth had not seen one of those formerly ubiquitous expressions on her dear friend in an age.

"Well then I know our adversaries do not stand a chance. I will see you in the morning." He placed a quick kiss on her hand and left. Abigail was waiting for Elizabeth in her chambers and had her mistress ready for bed in just enough time for Elizabeth to communicate what she needed from her the next day.


	14. Chapter 14

**I am so very sorry I have been silent for so long. I promise to try harder to update regularly. Thank you for sticking with me!**

" _Well then I know our adversaries do not stand a chance. I will see you in the morning." He placed a quick kiss on her hand and left. Abigail was waiting for Elizabeth in her chambers and had her mistress ready for bed in just enough time for Elizabeth to communicate what she needed from her the next day._

 **Day 242**

When Elizabeth awoke with the sun the next morning she and Abigail spoke only of the tasks before them. When her maid had left her Elizabeth sat before her mirror in silence for several minute staring at her wedding ring. It was a simple gold band which William had inscribed with a verse from Song of Solomon – I have found the one whom my soul loveth. She knew she should remove the ring, but the physical act of taking it off was proving difficult.

Finally, she took a simple gold chain from a drawer in her jewelry chest and placed her wedding ring on it. Abigail appeared at exactly the right moment and clasped the necklace behind her. The reminder of William was not needed as he was always in her heart and on her mind but as his ring stared at her from the mirror in its new place she thought of what she had once known and the pain washed over her anew. A sense of unease began to surround her. How could she betray William like this? It was not a marriage in any real sense but William had been gone less than a year, how could she, even in name only, allow anyone to take his place? How could she move the symbol of their love from her finger?

"A perfect solution, mistress." Abigail said drawing her from her pain and guilt and reminding Elizabeth of her duty. "Sir Stephen is awaiting you downstairs." Elizabeth nodded and Abigail left her.

The two conspirators greeted each other as usual at just after 8 in the small summer breakfast room. They ate in companionable silence. Almost exactly one half hour after beginning their meal they rose and made their exit. Stopping at the kitchens Elizabeth collected the baskets she had requested be prepared for the morning. Just as they reached the front door and Elizabeth was handed her bonnet and spencer Lady Margaret appeared.

"Brother, Elizabeth." She greeted them. "Have you breakfasted already?"

"Yes," Stephen answered embracing his sister.

"Were you going out?"

Elizabeth marveled at how a trained military strategist could be caught unawares by his little sister. She waited a moment until it was clear Stephen did not have a ready response.

"I intended to visit some tenants this morning, Maggie. Your brother agreed to accompany me."

"Well I am sorry to have missed the opportunity to sit with you both. While I do generally enjoy being exposed to company I find myself wishing this visit was simply our family. Or better yet simply us. We will be together such a short time." She said with a small wistful smile.

"We must take a ride together while you are here." Elizabeth said. Stephen continued to look on, regarding his sister with something akin to both affection and concern. "Perhaps you would like to join us now?" She asked suddenly.

"Are you certain I would not be in the way? I have not been permitted to attend to Matlock's tenants since mother's passing and I am afraid I am out of practice."

"All that is required is friendliness and kindness." Elizabeth responded desiring to encourage the young woman, momentarily forgetting that the tenant visits were in fact simply a ruse. "And you have both of those in spades."

"In that case I would love to come." Maggie declared. "Would it be too much for you to wait while I fetch my spencer?"

"Of course. Take your time."

Once Margaret had disappeared back up the stairs Stephen turned to Elizabeth.

"Elizabeth, are you certain Maggie should come with us? You realize we will have to tell her our plan?"

Seeing Margaret, being reminded of the reason she had chosen this path, did much to calm Elizabeth's misgivings and she was able to answer Stephen without betraying any of her uneasiness. "Better than that, Stephen she will have to accompany us."

"And you think that wise?"

"Wisdom is not what I am concerned with. It occurred to me that this will be your wedding and you should have someone with you. Someone who loves you. Family."

Stephen's smile was all the reward Elizabeth needed for this small act of thoughtfulness.

"You should as well."

"I have you." She told him taking his arm. They could hear Maggie's boisterous approach.

"Shall we be off?" She asked taking Stephen's free arm.

When the threesome reached the edge of the park they were met by Abigail. She and Elizabeth exchanged pleasantries and Elizabeth handed her the baskets.

"I greatly appreciate your doing this, Abigail."

"Not at all, Mrs. Darcy. I have wished to visit with some of these families for a while now. I am glad for the opportunity."

"Please take note of any needs they have and bring them to my attention when you return."

"Certainly, mistress and best wishes."

With that Abigail disappeared down one path and the other three started down another.

"Brother, why did Elizabeth just give the baskets for the tenants to Abigail? Why are we headed away from the homes we were meant to visit and why did Abigail just extend her best wishes to our cousin?"

"Well, sister I am afraid we have not been completely honest with you." Stephen said with a wink and a smile. "We are in fact not visiting tenants this morning. Elizabeth and I have an appointment with Mr. Miles."

"All this intrigue for a meeting with the vicar?" She asked smiling as they emerged onto the path that wound around the pond.

"It is not quite who we are meeting with that you might find intriguing but why." Elizabeth put in.

"Well why then?"

With one last questioning look at Elizabeth that gave him the permission he sought Stephen answered her. "Elizabeth and I are getting married."

Maggie betrayed her surprise and confusion with only a set of wide blue eyes. She pulled back on her brother's arm and regarded him in silence for a moment demanding an explanation without words. When none seemed forth coming she asked.

"I extend my congratulations and best wishes of course. But I . .. that is to say . . . how did this . . ."

"Maggie, this may be difficult to understand, but it is necessary for Elizabeth and I to wed immediately."

"Necessary?"

"I am afraid your brother is indulging in a little melodrama." Elizabeth made another impulsive decision. "We will tell you all but could we resume walking? We must get there as soon as we can."

"Certainly." And they began walking once again with Stephen in the middle watching Elizabeth with a certain amount of wariness. "Now will you tell me how this came about and why Stephen said it was necessary?"

"As you know Stephen and I have always been close but in the past few months we have become more so. Recently we decided we would like to marry, but we know your family would desire for us to wait until I am fully out of mourning so that we could have a grand wedding in town. We however desire to be wed as quickly as possible and without any of the pomp and circumstance which such an event would require."

"Wonderful! So, you intend to present your marriage to father and Aunt Catherine as a fait de accompli. I am so happy for you both and . . ." she disentangled herself from her brother's arm and took one of each of their hands in her own. "Thank you for including me, but, forgive me, how are you able to do this so quickly? Have you obtained a special license? How long have been planning this?"

Margaret seemed only delighted and slightly curious about the nature of their plans, but Elizabeth was embarrassed to admit she had not thought of this. Generally, amongst her friends and family couples were married after the reading of the banns which was not an option in this case as it would alert all of those they desired to keep in the dark to their activities.

"I did not know you were so well versed in the ways in which marriages were transacted." Stephen teased.

"I am a young lady of marriageable age." Maggie rejoined with a teasing smile for her brother. "But of course you would not notice that. Father has spoken of little else of late." She added with a slight frown. 

Stephen looked at Elizabeth with concern, but answered Margaret's question.

"We have asked Mr. Miles to wave the one week waiting period generally required for couples married by ordinary license. I am hoping Elizabeth can convince him. We sent a note round last evening and he agreed to meet with us this morning."

"You could not even wait one week." Margaret laughed. "How romantic."

Stephen and Elizabeth looked at one another, uncertain how to respond. Margaret, however seemed lost in her own fantasy of their courtship as she skipped ahead sighing about true love, hope and other things they could not quite make out.

Elizabeth was surprised at the speed with which Margaret accepted not only their impending marriage but also the secrecy which surrounded it. She was much like Georgiana and Jane. Ready to accept those she loved and support them in all things. Elizabeth would have been more suspicious of both aspects of the story and less likely to simply believe what she is told.

They arrived at the parsonage. Stephen left the ladies at the gate and went to the front door. Returning a moment later he told them:

"His housekeeper indicated he is enjoying his usual morning constitutional and should return within a half hour. She said we are welcome to come in to take tea or we could walk about the church."

"I am certain I know the preference of your bride, dear brother." Maggie said with a skip in her step. "You two enjoy a stroll in the garden by the church. I will return before Mr. Miles."

"Maggie," Stephen called as his sister disappeared around the corner of the parsonage.

"What was that about?" He asked Elizabeth.

"I do not know. Your sister is full of surprises." Elizabeth said as they began to stroll toward the church. "She certainly took our news better than I could have thought. Perhaps the rest will follow suit?"

"Let us not allow my sister's goodness and desire for the happiness of others to allow us to become complacent with regard to the Fitzwilliams." He said solemnly and Elizabeth was reminded of all the plans the people who even now resided in her home had for her and those she loved. "Why did you not tell her the truth about why we are marrying?" He asked pulling Elizabeth out of her less than pleasant thoughts.

"It occurred to me we could either reveal all or nothing. If we explained we were getting married to prevent a plot of your family's we of course would have to explain about their plans which could upset and even frighten her. So, I chose a version of the truth. I did not say anything that was untrue I simply did not tell her everything."

As they approached the church from one side they saw Mr. Miles was arriving from the other. He raised his hand in greeting.

"Elizabeth, I" Stephen began but he was cut off by the arrival of the vicar.

"Mrs. Darcy, Sir Stephen good morning." He greeted them. "I to understand you wish to marry directly?" His question was directed to Elizabeth.

"Yes, Mr. Miles." She answered her voice betraying her only slightly. "I know this must seem quite sudden. Perhaps we could go inside and speak."

They entered the church together and as they walked to the front of the sanctuary Elizabeth offered the same explanation to the vicar as she had to Margaret. He nodded and was silent as she spoke leaving Elizabeth to wonder if he would accept their story as passively as she had. When she finished Mr. Miles looked to Stephen.

"Sir Stephen, may I speak with you in private for a moment?"

Stephen seemed unsurprised by this request and the two men retreated to a back room. In the meantime, Margaret entered through the front door.

"Elizabeth I have picked you a bridal bouquet." She declared with a smile handing Elizabeth a bouquet of wild flowers of nearly every type and color. Elizabeth recognized them as coming from a field near the pond which William had seeded for her the first spring after they were married. Pulling the flowers to her nose and inhaling their myriad of familiar scents she felt tears springing to her eyes.

"Oh dear I am so sorry." Maggie said quickly, clearly having realized the importance of where they had come from. "I didn't even think, that was completely thoughtless of me. Please let me take them away."

Elizabeth, who had been lost in her memory heard Maggie's voice as if from far away and felt a hand over hers on the bouquet.

"No, Maggie. It is fine." Elizabeth answered. "Perfect actually. You have given me a piece of William to carry with me and I am grateful." But in truth this further reminder of her husband and his faith in her and their promises to one another did much to compromise her determination. By the time Stephen and the vicar emerged Elizabeth's nerves would have done even Mrs. Bennet credit.

Elizabeth pulled Stephen aside before the party began to assemble at the front of the church.

"What did Mr. Miles ask you? What did you tell him?"

"He simply wanted to know our intentions and I told him the truth." Stephen answered. When Elizabeth raised a brow indicating this truncated answer was not sufficient he continued, "the whole truth."

After exchanging pleasantries once again they took their positions at the front of the church with Mr. Miles' housekeeper joining them as a second witness. Elizabeth tried to concentrate on why she was here, on the forces that had conspired to make this moment necessary, but all she could think of was William and how she was betraying his memory, their love, their life together. People were speaking around her, but she did not bother to try and hear the words. As soon as everyone took their places Stephen and Elizabeth locked eyes and he must have noted her panicked expression because he held a hand up for the vicar to stop his opening sentence.

"Elizabeth, you have changed your mind." He stated simply.

It was his calm, resigned manner of speaking that shook Elizabeth from her distress. She took a moment to stare in to Stephen's grey blue eyes. She wondered what he was thinking. He was guarding his emotions from her and she could not blame him. It appeared she was leaving him at the alter. She was not certain she was.

"I need to speak with you." She said simply.

"There is no need." He said breaking their eye contact. "I told you I would never . . ."

"Stephen, please just give me a moment and then we . . just give me a moment." Turning to the others. "Would you please excuse us for just a few minutes?"

Without waiting for their response Elizabeth led the way through the side door hoping Stephen would follow. He did. When they were a few paces from the church she turned to face him gathering her thoughts.

"Forgive me, but I need your reassurance." Stephen looked at her in confusion. "You knew him almost as well as . . . what would he think of this? I need to know I am not betraying him." She finally finished.

They stood facing one another and Elizabeth wondered if they would go inside once more or walk away. In truth, she was no longer certain what was right. It was all so confusing. Stephen looked conflicted and then resigned.

"I want to tell you about the last conversation I had with him." He said at last.


	15. Chapter 15

**So the updates are coming a little faster! I am changing more than I planned so please let me know if you spot any inconsistencies and any other constructive criticism you would like to offer! I appreciate your following this story so much. I know it is non-traditional so your faith in me means the world!**

 _They stood facing one another and Elizabeth wondered if they would go inside once more or walk away. In truth, she was no longer certain what was right. It was all so confusing. Stephen looked conflicted and then resigned._

" _I want to tell you about the last conversation I had with him." He said at last._

"It was just after he saw you." He paused here to take a breath. "I was afraid he would fear for your fate at that point and so I began to reassure him." Stephen paused again and Elizabeth looked up at him. His eyes were focused on the horizon and she imagined this was how she looked these pastmonths when she was lost in her memories. It was as if he was reliving it.

"But it was as if he knew. He knew that you would survive and that he would not. I won't bore you with the details of our argument where I tried to convince him he would be well. I was desperate and he was patient. I even got angry with him. He remained calm in the face of it. He had something important to ask of me so he let me vent my frustration, my anger, and finally my sadness. Then he told me what he needed me to promise before he could be at peace."

"And what was that?" Elizabeth asked after a moment of silence where Stephen continued to stare at nothing although Elizabeth suspected what he was seeing was her husband's sick form lying on his bed. She came to stand beside Stephen. He looked down at her.

"He told me to take care of you."

"That sounds like him." She said with a small, sad smile. "I am certain he knew how desolate we both would be without him. He expected we would need one another."

"Yes, but he wanted more than my assurance that we would comfort and support each other in our grief."

"What more?"

Stephen looked at her a long moment. Elizabeth could tell he was deciding whether to reveal everything that was said in that room all those months ago. What she was not certain of was whether she wanted to know everything. Each memory, whether her own or not, tied to William held so much weight. Joy yes, but also sadness.

"He charged me with your care, Elizabeth and although this idea of marriage was not mine and I resisted it at first I do believe it is the best way to protect you from what my family has planned. I would never try to persuade you to do anything you felt was not in your best interest or that violated the memory of what you and Darcy shared, but I wanted you to know that I believe this is the best way to honor what he asked of me."

Elizabeth considered what this meant and she found herself becoming angrier than she had been in a long time.

"And you are just telling me this now? You made me believe you wanted to help, that you did not feel obligated, but all along you did feel obligated – you felt bound by a promise. You . . . Stephen how could you?"

"Elizabeth, no. Please do not view it this way. I only told you so you would know this, our choice is honoring him. It is not a betrayal. What I told you before was the truth."

"The truth is you are giving up any chance of real happiness because your dying best friend asked you to. I never wanted to take this from you."

"Nothing has changed, Elizabeth. Everything we talked through before still stands. All that is different is you know more of what William might have wanted."

"And I thank you for sharing that with me even though you knew it would anger me." She said with a reluctant smile. "But do not think I am done being angry. I see the wisdom in what you are saying. I know nothing has altered since our conversations of yesterday. The necessity is still there and you, my dear friend, have managed to allay the concerns which seized me in the church, but now I am faced once again with my dilemma regarding what I am taking from you . . ."

"No, Elizabeth we will not canvass this topic once again." Stephen interrupted with a sternness quite foreign to their interactions. He sighed and looked at her in apology, but did not take back his words. "If you are satisfied that this is the correct course for yourself, we both know it may be necessary to protect Margaret and if you now feel it will not be incompatible with the memory of your love of Darcy - those are the only things that we will consider."

Although his words and his tone brooked no opposition Elizabeth knew this was too important a step to take without exhausting all conversation regarding every aspect of the decision.

"Stephen, please hear me out." Elizabeth begged. "I will not raise the subject again," at his incredulous look she added," today. I will not raise it again today, if you can assure me that by walking inside that church and taking those vows you will not be compromising your own happiness, foreclosing the possibility of the kind of life you once imagined for yourself."

Watching him visibly gather his patience Elizabeth waited for his response.

"Elizabeth, I fear we may be at an impasse." he said at last, with a sigh which seemed part resignation part exasperation and despite the gravity of the situation Elizabeth found herself smiling at how much meaning he could inject into the exhalation of breath alone. After another moment of contemplation, he continued. "Will you accept my word that our marriage would not put me in any worse position than I was in prior?"

Elizabeth considered this for a moment. Worse position? She tried to reconcile this phrase with what little she knew and had believed about Stephen's loyalty to the as yet unknown lady who owned his heart. She had always believed she was married and this was why Stephen remained without hope. Their marriage not materially affecting his position would seem to support this. Could she accept his assurance and proceed? In truth, it was his choice and he was entirely clear about what he wanted. With a sigh of her own she said:

"I am not entirely satisfied," before he could protest she continued, "However, I am willing to table the rest of this discussion for the time being as I see your sister is concerned we are about to abandon our plans and I do not think her romantic heart could take such an event." They both looked to the door from which had somehow wandered a considerable distance. Margaret now stood in the doorway, a frown marring her features as she gazed directly at them.

"For Margaret then." He said gravely, offering her his arm. "In more ways than one."

"Indeed." Elizabeth smiled, placing her hand on his elbow. They began to walk back to the church. "But please know that we are by no means done discussing these topics."

"I will anticipate additional arguments on the topic at a later date." Stephen said with some of his usual humor shining in his eyes.

Elizabeth could not focus on a word of the ceremony. She knew they would be remarkably similar to those of her wedding almost six years ago. Those words were the only thing that linked this day to that. All else was profoundly different and so she focused on everything and anything but the words. The emptiness of the building. The warm air. The wrinkles on the vicar's kind face. Stephen's deep blue eyes and firm resounding voice. She tried not to hear what he was saying but Elizabeth did listen to the timbre and the quality of his words and knew that whatever he said he meant every word. Repeating back what she was told she watched his eyes grow guarded and made a note to inquire as to the cause, but too soon it was over and Mr. Miles quietly and not without some shade of judgment coloring his pronouncement declared them married.

"We are sisters, Elizabeth. Lady, Fitzwiliam I mean!" Maggie cried throwing her arms about them both. Elizabeth winced and before they could see the tears that she knew she could not hold back hastily excused herself fleeing from the church through the side door. Moments later she was kneeling at her husband's grave.

Elizabeth had visited this spot at least twice a week since her recovery. Whenever she did so she spoke to her husband as if he were right in front of her. After sitting quietly for a moment she did so now.

"I am so sorry, William. I let them take the name you gave me as if it meant nothing to me, but it did. It does. But you know I had to. You know it was the only way to protect what we have built. The only way . . ."

"He knows."

Elizabeth didn't turn to see him but Stephen remained behind her. She could feel him still standing there even though he didn't speak again for some minutes. Elizabeth continued to sob quietly both for the husband she lost and for the one she must be disappointing now who stood patiently while she cried on a grave just minutes after promising to join her life to his.

With a determined sigh Elizabeth stood. Removing a bluebell from her bouquet she placed it on the headstone. As she passed the smaller one next to William's she did the same, whispering, "I miss you so much Georgie." Taking Stephen arm although he had not offered it Elizabeth struggled to find words to bring them back to themselves after everything that had happened, everything they had done in the past hour. How they had changed things.

The walk back to the house was accomplished in relative silence. Margaret made the occasional comment about the weather or the scenery as they passed it. Elizabeth and Stephen contributed as necessary and she did not seem to mind. When they arrived the rest of the guests had not yet showed themselves below stairs. Elizabeth excused herself to attend to household matters with Mrs. Reynolds and Stephen and Maggie went together to the music room.

Elizabeth managed to keep herself busy until just prior to the midday meal. She had spent her time with her staff, particularly Mrs. Reynolds, whom she informed of her marriage with the understanding no one else was to be informed. The two planned the final two days for her guests, reviewed staffing needs and upcoming household expenditures for the summer season. She sent word to her steward to arrange a meeting in the morning. There was much beyond Pemberley she needed to attend to as well. Just after dispatching the messenger to her steward Elizabeth ran into Stephen in the hallway.

"Stephen, would you be available to meet with Mr. Alden and I in the morning?"

"Certainly, shall we meet in the library after breakfast?"

"No, the study is more conducive." She answered ready to confront yet another obstacle.

"Are you certain?" He asked, his voice gentle.

"That the study where I have met with my steward for the past five years is the best place to meet with him tomorrow?" She answered more sharply than she intended.

"You know that is not what I am asking."

"Very well. No I am not certain I will not fall apart upon entering that room for the first time since . . . But I am certain I need to reclaim my house as much as I need to reclaim my position." It was true that even in her nighttime wandering she rarely explored the first floor and she had yet to enter the study. It held so much of their daily lives within it. Days that would . . .

"Very well. And why is it you would like me to join you?"

"It occurs to me that all I will be discussing with Mr. Alden now materially affects you as well. You should be involved."

"You need not feel obligated to include me. I will not attempt any authority over any aspect of the Darcy holdings."

"It never occurred to me that you would and I do not feel obligated." She told him quickly. They had been walking as they talked and had now reached the front room where the level of noise on the other side of the door indicated at least some of their guests were gathered within. "Despite my justifiable anger at you from earlier I would welcome your input. I know this marriage was not of our choosing, but I look forward to having someone to help me wade through all of the investment, estate and asset decisions. It is what you had been doing during the time of everyone's illness. For which I cannot express my gratitude enough. So yes, if you are willing I would be glad of your help."

"This is a topic we have canvassed thoroughly, Elizabeth. I do not require your thanks, but have accepted them in the past anyway so please stop offering them. You are family. I was happy to have some useful employment while feeling so useless in other ways. I am of course willing to sit with you and Mr. Alden." He replied with a smile.

The couple entertained their guests over the course of the day without any but Margaret being aware that they were in fact being hosted by a newly married pair. The young people played croquet on the side lawn in the afternoon with Lady Catherine and the Dowager Duchess enjoying cool lemonade under their umbrellas as they watched the game. Lord Gordon insisted on partnering with Elizabeth and although she did not object to this she did not approve of the ways in which he skirted propriety and attempted to touch and be close to her the entire time. She noted Stephen, who was partnered with Lady Eleanor, watching them closely. During a break in play he approached her with a glass of water.

"Thank you." She said taking the drink.

"I believe we should announce our marriage." He said without preamble.

"There does seem to be some ancillary benefits we could derive from a precipitous announcement." Elizabeth replied with an anxious smile as Lord Denbigh approached. "But we agreed that letting them leave believing their scheme to be in tact was the best course of action.

"I thought I was the strategist."

"You are and it is, for the most part, your plan. But I feel the need to remind you of it at this moment as you seem to have forgotten it."

"Because at this moment there seem to be certain reasons making an alternate course of action seem palatable. But very well I will defer to you in this, but do not expect me to always be so malleable, wife." Stephen stiffened immediately and grabbed Elizabeth's hand. "I am sorry, I didn't think."

"About what?" Elizabeth asked.

"I called you wife. I didn't mean to . . . we were discussing the marriage and announcing it and so it was . . ."

"He never called me that." She said quickly, understanding his concern. Stephen nodded and they smiled at one another is a sad sort of commiseration.

"Sir Stephen, I do not mean to pull rank on you but I mean to reclaim my partner."

Stephen's smile was all that was charming, but his words carried a warning.

"You will find soon enough Lord Denbigh that your rank is not in fact equal to mine in this circumstance." Before Denbigh could question him Stephen bowed to Elizabeth and left in search of his own partner.

The group finished their game and retired to their rooms shortly thereafter to prepare for dinner. Which meal went as it had for the length of the parties' visit. Talk consisted mostly of mundane topics such as fashion, weather and the production of the various estates represented in the room.

Later that evening as the guests and their hosts gathered for cards and refreshments before returning Stephen and Elizabeth discussed their plans.

"I received a letter from my man in London about the Earl's machinations." He told her.

"What did it say?"

"Nothing of significance I am afraid. Although he was thorough in his report as to the activities of the Fitzwilliam family solicitor and several less than reputable men the Earl has employed to do his bidding."

"I would like to see it for myself if I may." Elizabeth said, anxious for any information she could obtain on the man trying to wreak havoc on her life.

"Of course, if that is your wish. Tonight?"

"Thank you, yes. Could you come to my sitting room after everyone has retired? I will have Mrs. Reynold bring us some chocolate to drink and cookies when you bring me the letter. We can laugh and talk about the behaviors and foibles of all our guests."

"Very well, although in light of the fact that we have a house full of guests I probably should not be visiting your chambers as I did when we were alone in the house and you were still recovering."

"As you know, Stephen we are never alone in this house. All of Pemberley's servants know of our nightly meetings. And it seems that now that we are married we are actually allowed, by society's standards, to have our late-night meetings without fear of recrimination."

"Except that no one knows we are married." Stephen pointed out.

"True, but it does remain available as a defense should my reputation be called in to question."

"I will see you this evening." He said with a bow leaving her to join his sister at the pianoforte.

Lady Catherine spent the remainder of the evening giving Lady Margaret advice about her playing, Lady Eleanor about her sewing, Lord Denbigh about his crop rotation and Elizabeth about nearly every piece of furniture and decoration in room. Never had an evening seemed so tedious and never had the duty of a hostess to remain until all her guests had retired seemed like such a burden. Her guests seemed determined to test her strength by staying up well into the night. Eventually they began to bid her good night one by one.

Finally, Lord Denbigh offered to escort she and his mother upstairs. Elizabeth agreed with alacrity. Denbigh's smile clearly indicated he had misinterpreted her enthusiasm but as he was leaving in the morning she did not concern herself overmuch. She bid them both a sedate good night at the start of the corridor which would bring her to her rooms and them to theirs.

Abigail removed the pins from Elizabeth's hair.

"Thank you, Abigail." She said running her fingers through her freed locks which ran almost to her waist. "I know you were very proud of your work this evening and I must admit I did look rather sophisticated, but by the end of night I wanted nothing more than to be free of the one thousand little swords you used to form your creation."

"Well I will not apologize for good work." Abigail responded sounding quite put out. "And I am not sure Sir Stephen should see you like this." With that she swept her hand around Elizabeth's face. Her hair, Elizabeth knew, was quite wild. Pointing out that Stephen had seen her in much worse states when she was ill, would do no good. Accepting that she would forever be scandalizing her beloved maid Elizabeth thanked her for her help and asked if she would send the chocolate and cookies up from the kitchen when she went down.

When Stephen arrived a half hour later the drinks and food had not arrived, but just as he stepped in the room Abigail followed. As she placed the tray down she said:

"I believe Lady Eleanor may have witnessed your entry, Sir Stephen." With a curtsy to them both she added. "I will await your call, mistress." With that she left.

"Well you have scandalized my new friend." Elizabeth said lightly as she poured the chocolate. "And likely ruined your chances with her."

"Elizabeth," Stephen sighed taking his seat opposite her across the low table. "While I cannot pretend that I did not notice Lady Eleanor may have been eager for another alliance between our families have you forgotten I am a married man? Whether she saw me enter your chambers or not I foreclosed any possibility with her or anyone else this morning not this evening."

"And do you regret that?"

"Will we have this conversation every day?" He regarded her with earnest blue eyes and Elizabeth knew she had disappointed him, but she could not help her regret, for him.

"Not every day, but perhaps you would be so kind as to pencil me in once a week?" He had to know she would never be fully comfortable with what he had sacrificed for her, but she was trying to compromise.

"Once a month." He countered sternly.

"Agreed."


	16. Chapter 16

**Thank you as always for reading, favoriting, following and reviewing. Thanks especially for the feedback. I haven't attended to all of it yet, but I promise I am getting to it and am so thankful for people taking the time to point out issues they see!**

Her guests were scheduled to leave in the afternoon. Elizabeth and Stephen breakfasted together as usual. They discussed some estate matters and their lingering concerns over the plans of the patriarch of the Fitzwilliam family. As they left the breakfast room they encountered Lady Eleanor, Lord Gordon and the Dowager descending the stairs with several of their servants and trunks.

"Should you require any further assistance in your travel or packing arrangements please do not hesitate to let me know." Elizabeth told them hoping she sounded like a gracious hostess and not one eager for her guests to depart.

"Thank you, Elizabeth." Lady Eleanor said with a cautious smile and while Elizabeth was pleased to hear her new friend use her name she did not enjoy her inability to meet her eye. Refusing to feel awkward about the previous night she simply inclined her head in acknowledgement.

"Sir Stephen, I was wondering if you would be so kind as to show me the rose garden?" Lady Eleanor asked. "My mother and cousin have indicated they have no wish to see it and I simply cannot leave Pemberley without one more visit."

Elizabeth shot Stephen a superior glance as he assured Lady Eleanor he was up for the task at the same time looking to Elizabeth like a man caught.

Turning to her remaining guests Elizabeth asked if they would like to take tea in the sunroom indicating she could have some fruit and cake brought in as well noting that as per their usual they did not eat breakfast, but as they were below stairs earlier than usual she imagined they might require some sustenance.

"Yes, thank you that will be quite refreshing." The dowager declared with more grace than was her wont. "However, will you excuse me as I must speak with my man to be sure the trunks are being loaded properly. I will join you presently."

With that she was off in a swirl of satin and lace. Elizabeth thought how well she and Lady Catherine must get on and imagined them discussing all the best ways to accomplish the most mundane tasks from packing luggage to pouring tea to practicing the pianoforte. They were certainly two ladies who knew how things should be ordered and were not shy about sharing their opinions.

She saw no reason for alarm as she sat with Lord Gordon, poured his tea and discussed his travel plans. Servants came and went and the door remained wide open. He was perfectly amiable. So amiable in fact that she did not perhaps realize she was allowing her relief at his imminent departure to let her natural charm and vivacity display in a way she had not before. After several minutes Lord Gordon moved to close the door. Elizabeth became concerned for several reasons, not the least of which being she realized this moment had been planned.

"Mrs. Darcy," he began and Elizabeth missed his next few words as she realized with a mix of regret and something like relief that this was not her name any longer. She now bore a name that symbolized her freedom from the very scheme he was about to attempt. ". . . realize this may seem sudden."

As it seemed her guest was desirous of an answer and she was not entirely certain of the question Elizabeth inquired.

"I apologize, Lord Gordon." She began, "my mind must have wandered a bit, as it is wont to do since my bout with the fever. What were you saying?" Elizabeth hid a smile at his frustrated expression.

"I was simply saying it has been a pleasure getting to know you and I would like the opportunity to know you better."

This did not seem like a question at all so Elizabeth stayed silent. After a long pause Gordon continued.

"To that end I have spoken with your Uncle."

Again, there was not a question so Elizabeth remained quiet. She hoped that if she dragged this out long enough the dowager or ideally Stephen and Lady Eleanor would return and she could avoid hearing Lord Gordon's addresses at all.

"He has given his permission."

This was simply too much to be born.

"His permission?" She asked trying to keep her temper in check. She rose and walked to the window in an effort to calm herself. "Because you expressed a wish to further acquaint yourself with him as well?"

"No. . I . . ." Elizabeth nearly laughed at the confused expression on her guest's face. Unfortunately, he recovered himself quickly. "What I mean to say is I would like to visit you in London when we all return there for the season in January and your period of mourning is over."

Elizabeth struggled to think of a reply that would not seem like it welcomed the courtship he was clearly offering, but was also not an actual refusal.

"My plans are not yet set, but should I be in London I would of course welcome any of your family as we have all become better known to one another over the past month."

"I am happy to hear you say that." He responded enthusiastically apparently not at all put off by Elizabeth's evasive response. "I hope that you will continue to welcome my family and myself until the time comes when . . ."

"Do you require any additional servants to assist you in bringing your trunks outside." Elizabeth interrupted with the first thing she could think of before Denbigh fully and truly declared himself.

After a moment of confusion, he drew closer than Elizabeth thought necessary and assured her that he was more than satisfied with Pemberley's staff and its mistress. This pronouncement was punctuated by the gentleman taking hold of one of Elizabeth's hands in both of his.

"Elizabeth, I told you long ago this day would come. I can go no longer without telling you of my hopes for our future happiness."

Shocked by his reference to their long ago conversation and appalled by his declaration Elizabeth attempted, unsuccessfully, to extricate her hands before answering. Still, she tried to maintain her composure, reminding herself of all that was at stake.

"Lord Gordon, I am flattered by the implication of your words, but I must tell you that it is quite impossible for me to consider . . ."

"Of course I know. We must not speak of it now. I respect the fact that despite your upbringing you now carry yourself as a true lady and adhere to highest levels of propriety proscribed by our circle."

Elizabeth briefly wondered what it was about her that caused men to propose to her in such insulting ways. This reflection brought a sharp pang of grief, but Elizabeth repressed it in order to focus on the man before her. A man who still retained her hands and still stood too close.

"Lord Gordon." She said, her exasperation evident in her tone. "Please unhand me and let us resume our seats."

"Of course I know that is the wisest course. But I find myself wanting to be unwise in this moment."

Elizabeth knew he meant to kiss her and stepped back to avoid it. He matched her movements and she found her retreat blocked by the arm of a settee.

"My Lord, please let go of me." He seemed unwilling to listen to her entreaties.

"Gordon, I must insist that you unhand Elizabeth immediately." Stephen's voice came from the door, but in a moment he was at her side taking her hands from Gordon's and moving between them. He towered over the other gentleman and seemed to be leaning in to him, ready to strike.

Gordon allowed Stephen to disengage him from Elizabeth. She imagined from the look of shock on his face he did so primarily because he was abashed at having been caught in such a situation. His words confirmed this.

"Sir Stephen," He said after a moment's pause. "I understand that you may have misinterpreted what you have seen and feel the need to protect your cousin. But I assure you my intentions are honorable. You may as well know – we were discussing marriage."

"I find that unlikely." Stephen said in a sinister voice that Elizabeth had never heard from him before.

"And why is that?" Gordon responded shifting quickly from the embarrassed guest to the arrogant lord. "Elizabeth is beautiful, witty, charming and everything I could hope for in a perspective bride."

Stephen's rigid posture in front of Elizabeth relaxed infinitesimally as he responded.

"That I do not deny."

"Then why would you believe when you came upon us did you seem to believe I had compromised the lady rather than proposed to her."

"That you proposed to her I would not doubt." Stephen said sounding as if this were the most obvious thing in the world. "That she would entertain such a proposal is absolutely preposterous." When Gordon looked like he was about to object to this choice of words Stephen forestalled him by taking hold of his arm. Gordon stared at him in astonishment. "Therefore my objections are as follows; that you did not listen to her when she attempted to dissuade you from speaking to her of courtship or marriage, that you attempted to press your unwanted suit by physically dominating her and that you dared to touch her."

"How could you know she refused me or that she would not at least entertain my offer? She is the daughter a country nobody and I am the brother of a Duke, a member one of the noblest families in the realm."

Elizabeth stood silently as the men spoke hoping Stephen would get control of his temper and that Lord Gordon would back down before either she or Stephen were forced to reveal their marriage.

"Even if her marriage to you were not an actual impossibility I am confident she would have refused you in any case."

"I fail to understand your meaning." Lord Gordon's disdain was increasing with each exchange.

"Clearly," Stephen looked back at Elizabeth who lifted her brows in resignation. Turning back he answered, "Let me make it simple for you. Elizabeth cannot marry you because she is already married. To me."

This rather surprising announcement was greeted with absolute silence. As Elizabeth watched Lord Gordon attempt to understand she noted for the first time that they were not alone in the room. Lady Eleanor stood by the doorway. Presumably she had accompanied Stephen when he initially entered and had been observing them in silence this whole time.

"This is taking things a bit too far, Sir Stephen." Gordon finally said.

'Lord Gordon, Lady Eleanor please won't you both be seated and allow us to explain what we know is rather surprising news."

"What is rather surprising news?" This question came from Lady Catherine who now stood in the doorway along with the Dowager Duchess. As if the stars were aligning against her, Stephen's father and brother appeared but a moment later. The only one absent was Lady Margaret who of course already knew.

Elizabeth allowed her hope of keeping their marriage between just the four of them die a swift death and invited everyone to sit. She then called for refreshments while Lord Gordon followed her every movement with angry eyes and Lady Eleanor looked ready to flee. Finally, when the servant who brought tea, fruit and cheese retired Lady Catherine asked again.

"What news do you have, Elizabeth that you were going to share with Lord Gordon and Lady Eleanor?" She demanded. "I should like to think after all the service I have rendered you over the last several months you would come to me before anyone else with any news."

"Lady Catherine, I am so appreciative of all your care and support during my bereavement." As she said this Elizabeth realized this was true. Whatever she might have desired for Elizabeth out of the Earl's plans Elizabeth knew her husband's Aunt, in her own self-involved way, did think she was doing what was best for her. "And you may feel I should have consulted you in this matter, but I assure you I have acted in the manner I know will bring about my own happiness as well as that of those closest to me." With this she looked at Stephen allowing him to see the truth of her words. He smiled, a true smile that lit his blue eyes.

"Yes, this is all very interesting," Lord Gordon cut in sounding very unlike the gentleman he had presented himself to be over his fortnight visit. "Could you please explain your earlier statement that you and your cousin are married?"

This demand was met with exclamations from the elderly ladies, further silence from the young one, loud questions from the viscount and continued vocal disbelief from the Lord who issued it. The response that worried Elizabeth the most was the stony silence from the Earl of Matlock who looked at his son with a calculating singular glare.

"Ladies and Gentlemen," Stephen loudly broke in after several moments, "If you will but be silent for a moment we will happily explain ourselves." Elizabeth moved to stand beside him and took his arm.

"Yesterday, Sir Stephen and I were married from Pemberley church. Mr. Miles performed the ceremony. We did not wish to call attention to it simply because I am still in mourning and we do not plan on celebrating in any formal way at this time. But now that you, our family and new friends are aware, we are pleased to have you share our joy and would be glad to accept your congratulations and well wishes." Elizabeth was fairly certain Stephen choked back his laughter at the final part of her speech but there they stood in apparent anticipation as if they were completely oblivious to all of the turmoil they had just caused so many of those in front of them.

Once again a din greeted their words. Exclamations of disbelief, outrage perhaps even concern clashed around them. Elizabeth chanced a look at Lady Eleanor and thought she saw a look of encouragement in her new friend's eyes, but she could not be sure. She certainly owed greater loyalty to her family and whatever schemes they had planned than to her nascent friendship with Elizabeth. Not to mention she was certain there were some feelings on the Lady's part for Sir Stephen. Before Stephen could once again call the room to order his father did so with a decided shout.

"This will not stand. You are not married."

Everyone turned to him. It seemed until that moment no one thought to try this approach. Now Elizabeth noted Lord Gordon's eyes alight with interest. The others seemed wary at least at such a pronouncement.

"Do not think you have fooled me, my wayward son. You and Elizabeth could no more marry than you and Maggie could. She is to you as a sister and you to her a brother. You entered in to this scheme for purposes other than the pursuit of marital happiness and I will not allow such an unnatural alliance to stand. Not when Mrs. Darcy," he emphasized the use of her former name and it caused an ache in the pit of Elizabeth's stomach while at the same time she felt deeply the slight to Stephen, "has prospects much greater than you. The ceremony was not even witnessed by your family. It is an easy enough matter to annul such a thing and no one here will speak of it again." He looked around the room as if to dare anyone's disagreement. No one said anything, a few nodded their consent.

Elizabeth could not decide what to do. Certainly, the Earl would not leave them to their own devices now to annul the marriage. He would stay to ensure it happened and she shuddered to think what methods he might employ. The settlement papers had not been signed and although they were not necessary for the marriage to be official they would certainly help. She looked to Stephen to see if he had an idea of the best course of action. He was looking at Lady Eleanor.

"Father, while I appreciate your familial concern, as always, my marriage will not be annulled."

"Do not attempt to gainsay me, boy. Obviously no banns were read. Did you obtain a special license from Darcy's uncle the Archbishop?"

In this question Elizabeth heard the Earl's concern over who their allies were and she dearly wished they had known of this scheme long enough to obtain a special license.

"No, sir we were married by ordinary licensed as Mr. Miles is a duly authorized officiant for such ceremonies. Our ceremony took place at the appropriate hour and was witnessed by the required witnesses." Stephen's voice was casual and yet precise enough that Elizabeth doubted anyone present mistook his words for anything but truth. They had adhered to every dictate necessary to make their marriage legal under English law and had the documents to prove it and yet the very reason they had to marry was that wealth and power could challenge nearly any and everything so she did not feel quite easy.

The Earl stared at his son for a moment before continuing as if he had not heard a word Stephen had spoken.

"You like to have your way but you will do what is best for your family and I am telling you what that is. Annul this union and then we will discuss your future. I assume no settlement has been signed?"

"No, we will take care of that in due time." Stephen responded apparently unconcerned with revealing a weakness in their union.

"Well thank goodness we don't have that knot to untangle. Now I will write my man in London and he will draw up the papers which you and Mrs. Darcy will sign. They should take no more than a few days to settle and then I imagine Lord Gordon and Mrs. Darcy will have some things to discuss at that time anyway. You may accompany me to London at the end of the week. Margaret may stay here with Mrs. Darcy.

This was certainly not going at all according to plan. The Earl seemed convinced he could simply undo what had been done. Stephen was not offering any resistance. And Elizabeth was not certain what form her own resistance could take. Perhaps Margaret remaining here was enough of a victory for them to retreat for the time being?

"As much as I would like to oblige you, father." Stephen said in detached tone, "I am afraid our marriage cannot be annulled."

"Stephen, I am in no mood for your obstinacy. You married Elizabeth to defy me. It was almost a brilliant move, but I am afraid it is easily undone."

"Not as easily as you think."

Elizabeth, and indeed most of the other occupants of the room were watching the exchange between father and son as one would a great parliamentary debate. Their heads moving back and forth as each spoke. Elizabeth felt certain from his tone of unconcern that Stephen had a plan, or at least she hoped this was the case and not an indication that he had decided he wished to be free of the marriage after all and intended to concede to his father's wishes.

"And why is that?" The Earl asked with apparent unconcern.

"This is perhaps not something to discuss in company."

"We will discuss it when I desire to do so and I desire to do so now." The Earl said, his control slipping.

"Father, I believe it would be best to have this conversation in private."

"And I say we will have it now." The Earl said struggling to keep his tone even and his hands at his side. The father and son stared at one another for a long moment before Stephen sighed.

"Very well. Lady Eleanor would you please explain to my father why my marriage cannot be annulled?"

Then Elizabeth saw his strategy. Particularly as at this moment there were two maids clearing away the tea things in the room.

Lady Eleanor looked as though she desired to be anywhere but in this room. But to her credit she did not pretend to misunderstand Stephen's question.

"I . . . that is to say . . last night I . . ."

Elizabeth took pity on her new friend when she seemed unable to explain exactly what relevant piece of information she had. And who could blame her. Going to stand by her, Elizabeth gently placed a hand on her friend's arm as she spoke.

"I am afraid we have put Lady Eleanor in a delicate position. You insist on speaking of things which under normal circumstances would not be canvassed in mixed company." This was spoken to the Earl and Elizabeth did nothing to keep the accusation from her voice. "I hope it will be sufficient to say last night when Lady Eleanor saw Sir Stephen enter my chambers she likely suspected us of some improprieties, when she heard of our marriage she was no doubt relieved knowing what she saw was not a clandestine affair but a meeting of a husband and wife until she was called to testify to it at which time she probably began to feel a new sense of awkwardness." Turning to Eleanor she said, "Please forgive us, Lady Eleanor for putting you in this position, it is most unusual and frankly unkind, but would you do me the favor of confirming this the Earl so that you all may proceed with your journey and my husband and I can go about our business?" The word husband came out more softly than the rest and Elizabeth felt a wave of guilt at having it at all, but she did not have time to consider her feelings on this as discussion was moving on.

"It is as Elizabeth says." Eleanor said in a quiet voice.

Once again those present seemed united in their displeasure or disbelief and once again Stephen brought order to the chaos.

"I apologize to our guests for this uncomfortable discussion and while Elizabeth and I had hoped our marriage would bring those we love as much joy as it does us. Regardless we take our vows and our commitment to one another very seriously and will not be dissuaded. Indeed, now that you all here as well as all of Pemberley's servants are aware of the very real nature of our marriage I do not think we would have the option of abandoning our vows should we wish it."

The two maids chose this moment to exit the room their full hands and downcast eyes testifying to their attempt to maintain their distance from what had passed, but obviously they had heard all. Elizabeth knew Stephen had planned it that way. The more people who the Earl believed knew about the marriage and the ostensible nature of it the less chance there was he would try and oppose it – at least publically. Just then Mrs. Reynolds entered the room and signaled to Elizabeth who went eagerly to her, grateful for anything that would distract from the tense atmosphere.

"It seems your carriages and drivers are ready." She announced after receiving this information from her housekeeper. "Thank you all for sharing our home at this trying time and bringing some conversation, laughter and amusement back to Pemberley." Elizabeth was trying to be as gracious as possible while not straying from the actual truth.

"We would not want you to begin your journeys too late to reach your destinations before nightfall." Stephen said.

"Yes of course." Lady Eleanor agreed with gracious alacrity and Elizabeth was thankful for her presence and lack of complicity in her family's schemes. "Thank you for your kind hospitality, Elizabeth. Would you be willing, do I ask too much, could I write to you? **"**

"I would enjoy that tremendously." Elizabeth responded sincerely.

With that civil exchange the rest of the party seemed unable to return to their tense, antagonistic questioning of the young couple. The congenial atmosphere was further assisted by the arrival of Lady Margaret.

"Father, James here you are." She said from the open doorway. "I wanted to be sure I was able to say goodbye before you left."

"Yes, it seems there is nothing keeping us here." Declared the Dowager gruffly. She swept from the room and Elizabeth noted with amusement Lady Catherine and Stephen's father followed close behind whispering assurances or apologies to her, she couldn't quite hear their words.

"Elizabeth, I" Lady Eleanor began hesitantly, "that is I . . . look forward to hearing from you and best wishes once again."

"Thank you, Eleanor.' Elizabeth said with a smile as the older woman left the room as well.

Lord Gordon followed her without a word or glance at the room's remaining occupants. As the Viscount moved to leave as well he stopped before his brother.

"I hope you know what you are doing, Stephen." He said evenly. "Father wanted this alliance. I do not know what he will do."

"I understand, James." Stephen responded. "We do what we have to do."

"Sometimes what we have to do ends up being what we desire does it not, brother?" The viscount asked with a lift of his noble brow.

"Sometimes when one sibling is callous, selfish and unfeeling the others must care for each other." Elizabeth responded sharply.

After a long look at his brother and then Elizabeth he bowed and departed.

Elizabeth sighed and fell into a nearby chair. Stephen stalked to a nearby window and kept his back to her for several moments.

"Are you well?" When he turned and nodded, she asked, "should we go out and say our farewells?" she asked.

"I suppose. If only to be sure the Earl does not rescind his offer to allow Maggie to stay."

As it turned out the Earl did rescind his offer. He professed to want to leave the newlyweds in peace for a time and there was little they could do to prevent his taking his own daughter to her home. They were not too panicked as James revealed that he was to take their sister home with him. It seemed the Earl had not intended Elizabeth and Stephen to learn this.

"He wanted us to worry." Stephen concluded as they discussed it in the library after everyone had gone.

"That seems clear, but if that is the best he can do at this time we should count our blessings. It was only a short time ago he was able to threaten us with much more than worry." Elizabeth pointed out reasonably.

"True, but I wonder if it indicates that he is not going to take his defeat lying down. If he is merely plotting another way to interfere and control . . ."

"Stephen, I understand your experience with your father far exceeds my own, but he is merely a man. A man who likes to have his way to be sure, but he cannot in this case. And he cannot conjure a way to harm us now that we have protected ourselves. Or at least not so soon."

"I concede that is likely true I am simply wary of what he might do to Maggie as a result of not having gotten his way with you."

"I understand and although he has never been a favorite of mine I think James was as well and that is why he insisted he needed her to travel with him to Fanmore to assist Lady Edith with the children."

"Perhaps." Stephen conceded, clearly still worried.


	17. Chapter 17

And so they let the matter of the Earl of Matlock's intentions drop for the moment and in the next weeks satisfied themselves with letters from Lady Margaret which indicated her father had not made any overtures in to her life and she was quite happily settled at Fanmore. There was even mention of a visit from her Mr. Wilson and his family. In other happy news the Earl had not so much as written to Pemberley since his departure. Although Elizabeth and Stephen did not believe he would ever be happy about what happened they began to hope he would perhaps come to accept it.

As Elizabeth was trying to. She confined most of her grieving to the evenings after she would retire to her chambers exhausted from working, riding, visiting or whatever else she and Stephen filed their days with. Although he would never allow her to completely avoid speaking or thinking of William and Georgiana during the days. He pushed her gently for the most part, but firmly on occasion, to not ignore the pain but to – as he phrased it – face it. Elizabeth knew he felt this would help her gain some resolution and possibly move on. This she knew was not a possibility but she listened to him all the same because his methods seemed to bring him some peace.

He would speak of his cousins to her. They would share stories and memories. One day about two weeks after their marriage he suggested they allow the servants to clean and air Georgiana's room. Elizabeth refused, but a few weeks later she proposed they do it themselves. It was a painful afternoon and Elizabeth did not return to even some form of herself until a week later with a visit to little Elizabeth's family.

Elizabeth's physical recovery continued to go far more slowly than she would have liked. She reverted to needing a midday nap and tired from walks that would previously have been considered but short to her. Dr. Tate insisted this was no cause for concern despite the fact that the others who had suffered similar setbacks were all fully recovered.

The Bingleys came to Pemberley once again and Elizabeth found she could visit with her beloved sister without the weight of her grief overwhelming her. Although surprised by news of Elizabeth's marriage Jane, as was her nature, quickly accepted it as being the best possible outcome of a tragic circumstance. Elizabeth enjoyed her niece and nephew as much as possible until they departed with promises of a reunion in London in the new year.

Slowly her days seemed to take on some meaning, to hold little things she could look forward to. Letters from her family, moments with her staff, satisfaction when her decisions about tenants or investments proved right. They weren't exactly happiness but neither was she empty as she had been the six months previous. But with this new feeling of accomplishment came guilt. She continued to wander the halls at night, to inhabit the rooms and relive her old life while feeling guilty for imagining the possibility of a new one, for accidentally finding moments of meaning during the day, every once in a while.

Still a piece of furniture, a dish or bend in the avenue in the gardens, of course she had not gone to the lake, would accost her, would find her and the memories would be too much and she would feel the loss or guilt and not having been feeling the loss as heavily for the previous hours or days, however long it had been.

And Stephen was there through it all. A constant friend. A partner in all that went on at Pemberley. He would do as much or as little as she asked. At first she held her regular meetings with her steward without him but then she began to ask Stephen to join them.

"Stephen, Mr. Edwards is due within the hour." Elizabeth told him over breakfast.

"If you plan to meet him in your study you need not fear my interference." He told her with a smile. "It is too nice a day for me to wander around indoors."

"Quite the contrary." She assured him with a smile of her own. "I was hoping you would consent to join us. I do not mean to intrude on your time, but we have a matter which we have been wrestling with for some time. A tenant dispute we have not been able to settle and I would appreciate your perspective. I apologize for the imposition, it should only take a half hour or so."

"Elizabeth, must we have this conversation again? I am always available for you."

"I know, I know." She said quickly. "It is simply that I realize you have only been to Maplehearst twice since . . ."

"Since my family left." He supplied helpfully. They rarely referred to their marriage, and never when they were alone.

"Yes, and you must have matters that require your attention and I feel selfish when I ask you to assist me here."

He looked at her with what she could only describe as frustration before responding with his most patient tone. "I have always been willing, eager, to be of use to you, Elizabeth. I do not view it as separate from my duties at Maplehearst. I care about the well-being of Pemberley and its people as I do those at Maplehearst. Indeed, I have thought of Pemberley as my home for far longer. I am not spouting empty platitudes when I say I would be happy to help. It would save us both a tremendous amount of time if you would stop apologizing for the life we now live."

His frustration crept in not only at the end of this speech but in the sigh that punctuated it. Elizabeth knew he referred to more than her reticence to seek his help on estate matters. Her regret over their marriage manifested itself in a myriad of ways, her guilt at having escaped his father's clutches at such a high cost to him and none whatsoever to herself weighed on her constantly. This was only one form of guilt she experienced, but it was certainly powerful one.

 **Day 282**

After a day of riding where they had ventured farther than Elizabeth had been since her illness they were changed and sitting in the music room. Stephen was reading Maggie's latest letter. She was now living at Matlock quite on her own as the Earl had gone to London. She seemed content and Elizabeth hoped the Earl was done trying to use her to advance his own position.

As she listened to Stephen Elizabeth's eyes kept straying to the piano. There was a dull ache of painful memory still attached to the sight of it. It was the instrument William had bought for Georgie when she was just seventeen. Elizabeth had first seen it on her tour of the house when she and William were still estranged. That same visit where they had reunited for the first time. It was also the instrument at which she and Georgie had played countless duets. Where William had turned pages for her, flirted with her, kissed her. But Elizabeth had been coming in to this room so often lately . ..

"Do you wish to play?" Stephen asked pulling her from her memories before they suffocated her, his voice a mix of eagerness and caution.

"I do." Elizabeth answered truthfully, but without moving.

"I have just the piece." Stephen declared. He went to the shelf behind the pianoforte, retrieved some sheets and placed them on the instrument. "I asked a friend to send me some new music."

Elizabeth had made her way to where Stephen stood and looked at the pages in the place she had seen so many pieces before. She stared at the notes and then down at the keys, her fingers nearly itching to connect the two. But could she, should she? Would the memories be too much? Would the activity be a betrayal? Doing something she loved so much when they could not, would not ever again . . .

"It would not be anything you have played before." Stephen assured her understanding at least part of what held her back. But he could not know all.

In the past few months the world had been moving forward. She was unable to stop it. At times it was as if she had a new life and it had started to have meaning, but then she would be caught by a scent, a sight, a sound and she would know with absolute certainty that there was nothing for her here in this world but duty and responsibility **.** How could she even wish for more, try and build more? On the other hand what was to be gained by simply ignoring pieces of her past? She had loved music. Perhaps there was no harm in playing one little piece. Perhaps each action didn't have to carry such weight. Maybe she could simply have this.

With that vague sense of determination Elizabeth sat down.

"Will you turn the pages for me?" She asked Stephen. He took the seat beside her and she let her fingers find the opening notes.

The new music was a challenge and required all of Elizabeth's attention to give it even a modicum of proficiency.

"Elizabeth, that was lovely." Stephen said when she had finished.

"Stephen, you are a terrible liar." She smiled. "It was passable at best."

"I hate to quarrel with you, but your playing is magnificent even when you are learning a new piece and I am thankful to you for the effort." He said, holding her gaze, allowing her to see how much he saw her struggles, how much he valued her effort.

"And now I must find fault with you yet again as you have uttered another falsehood." She teased, enjoying the lightness that hearing, producing music brought.

"Without admitting to the first falsehood may I ask what the second is?" He asked, smiling in return.

"That you hate to quarrel with me of course." Elizabeth said and surprised them both when a laugh escaped her as she spoke. Stephen was obviously startled for a moment. Then he shook his head smiling.

"That may be true. You and I have always enjoyed a good debate."

They were so close and it seemed so natural when he reached up and tucked a stray hair behind her ear. It was not anything he would not have done a year ago. They were always easy in one another's company. But for reasons she could not, or maybe did not want to, identify, Elizabeth's stomach fluttered and her breath caught. Stephen looked uncertain for a moment then smiled and gently touched her face. It was a ghost of a touch perhaps meant to comfort, but was so different than anything that had occurred between them before that Elizabeth immediately felt the shift. She sat frozen for a moment overcome with sensation, feeling and so many things she refused to take the time to consider. She leaned in to him. Just a fraction of an inch. He met her there.

The kiss lasted for no more than a moment. Stephen held her face in his hands and gently caressed her lips with his. The sensations overwhelmed Elizabeth. All the feelings she had worked to keep at bay, the grief, the pain, the fear, the uncertainty - she had not been prepared for this. Had erected no walls to keep herself safe from it.

"Elizabeth." Stephen breathed, leaning his forehead against hers. Her name, which he had spoken a thousand times, now held something which it never had before. Longing.

It was then that it hit her. What had happened. What they had done. More than anything what she had felt. Longing.

"No." Was all she said before she slowly stood and left the room. She rang for Abigail who helped her ready for bed. The kind older woman could always sense what Elizabeth needed. If it was to be cheered by downstairs gossip she could chatter on for hours. If it was to listen to Elizabeth's thoughts and concerns about matters about the tenants or staff she was a willing ear. Tonight Elizabeth needed routine and distraction.

"Mistress, I had forgotten to tell you, I solved our mystery." Abigail declared as she helped Elizabeth into her nightgown.

"Mystery?" Elizabeth asked, trying to focus on anything but the whirling confusion of the last hour.

"When your correspondence with Sir Stephen was tampered with?"

The mention of Stephen did not serve to move Elizabeth's thoughts away from all that she wished to forget, but she chose to concentrate on the issue Abigail raised. "And what did you discover?"

"It was the great Lady herself!" She declared with no small amount of glee. "I spoke with her lady's maid and Bates with her footmen. Although at first we were reluctant to credit their assertions that they were not involved . . . "

"You asked them?" Elizabeth interrupted, incredulous.

'No of course not, mistress. You know me better. We took them into our confidence." She said with a wink. "Shared our concern that our mistress was angry with us because some letters seemed to have gone astray. We were afraid for our positions you see and they were sympathetic. When they were leaving Lydia, her Ladyship's lady's maid, told me that her mistress had been very concerned with the correspondence to and from Pemberley during a certain period of her stay."

"Is that right?" Elizabeth asked.

"Indeed. So much so that she would examine the outgoing and incoming letters herself claiming to the unsuspecting staff that she was merely looking after your interests. She must have pocketed the letters. I assume she also read them."

"Of course she did." Elizabeth sighed, trying to remember what she wrote in those letters to Stephen and wondering what Stephen might have said to her. Not that it mattered now, but these wonderings were so much less painful than the others.

"Well, at least now we know you need not be concerned about anyone at Pemberley."

"Yes, thank you so much, Abigail. That is good to know."

Even in the quiet of her room, of her mind, Elizabeth did not allow herself to dwell on what had happened. It was wrong and she knew that surely as she knew anything. By the time she drifted off to sleep she knew what she must do.

That night she found herself in the bedroom she had shared with William for all the short years of their marriage. It was the room she visited least frequently in her nightly wanderings. Even with the protective coat of night and its silent companionship she rarely had the courage to face the memories waiting for her there. But tonight she felt she deserved the pain they would bring. Knew she did. Even as part of the pain was from what would come in morning what she knew she would do. She lay on the bed curled in a ball and cried herself to sleep for the first time in months. It took several hours.

Abigail found her there well after dawn and wordlessly helped her back to her dressing room. She prepared for the day as if nothing was amiss. When she arrived in the breakfast room much later than had been her habit Stephen was still there. It was clear he had been waiting for her. She could see the worry on his face. The concern in his eyes and the apology on his lips as he rose and made to speak. But this she would not allow. She knew what she must do.

"Stephen, I have been thinking about the Earl and what threats he might still pose. Do you not think it wise that we finalize the settlement papers? Mr. Alden has been asking us to do so for some time and I am not entirely satisfied that the situation can be resolved via correspondence." She hoped she would not have to say more, to be explicit.

She had not looked at him directly while she spoke but as the seconds lengthened and he did not respond she lifted her eyes. He was looking at her and it was clear he knew exactly what she was doing and he accepted it.

"Then it seems perhaps I should plan a trip to London presently to deal with this and perhaps I could also meet with those investors who had been hoping to partner with you in the new shipping venture."

Elizabeth felt keenly the injustice she was doing him, all the more because of the graciousness with which he was responding.

"I agree and believe that the sooner the better." She offered before dropping her eyes. She knew it was not fair to ask this of him. He would go because she was making it as clear as she dared that this was what she wanted but she had promised him that day he returned to Pemberley from the war that it would always be his home. Promised again when they married and . . but now she was leaving him little choice.

"I will speak to my man about how soon we could be ready. Do you feel you can handle things here on your own for some time?" he asked, his voice resigned.

"We will try and manage without you." She said, trying to sound light and teasing. Knowing she could not restore what they had were in one empty conversation.

"If you will excuse me." He said standing, bowing and leaving the room. This time it was he who would not meet her eyes. She did not see him for the rest of the day.

Later as she prepared for bed she learned from Abigail that Stephen intended to leave at first light.

"His man told me they are to be gone for some time." She said as if this might be news to Elizabeth. Clearly hoping for an explanation if not.

"There are matters in London that require personal attention and Sir Stephen has been kind enough to agree to attend to them."

"Will you be joining him at a later date?"

It was only then that Elizabeth remembered that they were in fact married. This realization only added to her guilt. She pushed it aside. Pushed it all aside and went to bed knowing in a few hours she would find herself somewhere in her home paying for being alive, paying for feeling again . . .


	18. Chapter 18

**This is a shorter update than has been my custom, but I wanted to get something out. I am, even now, editing the next 5K words so I hope to get that to you soon. Thank you so much for doing this with me. I know in this P &P world we immerse ourselves in its hard to trust an author with a non-traditional story so I appreciate every reader who tries this out! Feedback welcome, as always. **

**Day 284**

Although over the course of the past ten months Stephen had been absent from Pemberley on occasion, this day felt different from the beginning. Elizabeth determined to keep herself as busy as her still healing body would allow.

Directly after breakfast she set out on horseback. She had not ridden, Zeus, her favorite horse, in weeks and he seemed as eager as she for the exercise. After a brisk ride through some of Pemberley's most scenic fields and trails her first stop was little Elizabeth's house. A half hour with her young friend did much to remind Elizabeth why she chose to survive that morning of her fever, why she chose to marry Stephen to escape his father's machinations and why she needed to sort out where she would go from here. From there she stopped at the home of the farm of a family who had only recently settled at Pemberley. They had taken over the lands in a settlement brokered by Elizabeth and Stephen which had taken weeks of negotiations between the couple who had worked the farm for generations but were now too old to do so, a neighbor who had tried to lay claim through an unwanted marriage with their daughter and this new family who had moved to Lambton with the wife's family. It had all worked out in the end and, mostly, everyone was happy. The visit confirmed for Elizabeth that she and Stephen had made the right decision. This brought a pang of regret at sending him away. It had been selfish and cowardly, but necessary.

She ended up at William's grave. After several tries; however, she could not determine what to say and ended up unable to say anything at all and so she settled for laying wild flowers on both his and Georgie's grave. After an afternoon rest, which she deeply resented needing, Elizabeth took a late meal in the sun room and wrote letters to her father and Jane. Her day ended with a walk in the garden and dinner in her room.

 **Days 285 - 314**

And so began Elizabeth's new routine. To the activities of that first day she added visits to Lambton once or twice a week. Her strength grew each day and the lengths of her walks grew as well. She was still tired enough to need to rest each afternoon. After which she would meet with Mr. Whitley, her steward, as needed. At least once a week neighbors would visit and Elizabeth began to return these visits as well.

A week after he left, Elizabeth received a letter from Stephen about the settlement. It also contained some questions about her staff in London and asked after Pemberley. He did not ask any personal questions about her. Elizabeth dictated her answers to Mr. Whitley. A week later he sent the settlement papers themselves with some additional questions from Mr. Alden, their solicitor, about some new investment opportunities. Elizabeth signed the settlement and again sent her answers through Mr. Whitley.

 **Day 315**

The November day dawned cool and bright. The area had been drenched in rain for several days and Elizabeth was glad to see the sun as she ate her breakfast and reviewed her correspondence in the small summer breakfast room. The Bingleys had come for a brief visit and had departed yesterday afternoon. They had made plans for Elizabeth to spend Christmas with them at Stanborn. If she wasn't precisely looking forward to it neither was she dreading it. What was becoming more difficult both in her letters and in person was explaining Stephen's absence.

That afternoon for the first time, Elizabeth felt strong enough to forgo her nap and after her meeting with Mr. Whitley she sat at her desk trying not to think too long or deeply about anything. Removing her stationary from the drawer she began a letter. It was not personal at all. It contained information about the activities at Pemberley – the staff, the tenants, the weather even. It was perhaps the most mundane letter she had ever written. She hoped Stephen would understand it for the olive branch that it was.

 **Day 324**

Elizabeth and Zeus were squeezing in a ride before winter truly took hold of Derbyshire. Riding was familiar and comfortable for her. It allowed her to escape and not think for a time. She tried to go as often as possible, more so of late as her energy and strength were returning. Today she was feeling more daring. She turned her mount to a field she knew well, but had not been to in over a year. They approached a wall. As they jumped it she felt a moment of joy. Pure, simple, foreign. As quickly as it came it was gone and in its wake a more familiar emotion replaced it. Guilt. Elizabeth quickly dismounted tethered Zeus to a nearby tree and collapsed. Sobs rocked her body. How could she have allowed herself to feel it? To experience joy at all seemed so wrong, a betrayal and to have it happen while doing something they had loved together, all three of them, made it all that much worse.

" _Will, I do believe we have created a monster." Georgie laughed as she reigned in her horse next to her brother, "she will keep us out well past dinner time. Again!"_

" _I know dearest, but . . . " he responded not taking his eyes off Elizabeth as she turned pleading eyes to him._

" _You can deny your bride nothing." Georgiana finished for him._

" _Am I to be a bride still, little sister.' Elizabeth asked. "it has been almost a year since that fateful day I joined this heartless family that teaches me to ride one day and then seeks to deny me the pleasures of it the next."_

" _Lizzy, we have been riding for hours!" Georgiana exclaimed with a fond smile._

" _One more?" Elizabeth begged. "We can take it together._

' _Oh very well." Georgiana agreed with a sigh that indicated she was actually quite pleased._

" _William, we shall return presently." Elizabeth told her husband blowing him a kiss as she rode away beside her sister-in-law._

" _Unless your BRIDE talks me into another jump." His sister called before they were out of earshot._

Unwilling to mount her horse again she took his reigns and they slowly made their way. She would not admit it to herself but she knew where she was going and who she needed to see. With Zeus safely tethered Elizabeth cleared the weeds and dirt away, not that much were allowed to grow or gather as she came several times a week. Just as she had settled in for a good talk he arrived.

"Lady Fitzwilliam, good afternoon." Mr. Miles said cheerfully, as if they were not meeting in a cemetery, as if her eyes were not filled with tears, her cheeks not stained by them. "Shall we take a turn in my garden?"

It was why she had come and yet Elizabeth was reluctant. Mr. Miles' brand of conversation generally left his companions no quarter. Looking at his outstretched arm she waivered until deciding that she needed to move forward even if was only a walk in a garden with a forthright vicar for the moment. After exchanging pleasantries and information about various families at Pemberley and in the village Mr. Miles got down to business.

"When will Sir Stephen be returning to Pemberley?" he asked.

"He is London taking care of business." She said, knowing this did not answer the question, but she had questions of her own.

"I jumped Zeus for the first time . . . in a long time today."

"I see." And Elizabeth thought maybe he did.

"It was wonderful and I am so ashamed. Mr. Miles, how can I have moments like that? Moments where I am happy, selfishly happy when they will never . . . can never be anything ever again? I have resigned myself to feeling again – to feeling useful, to feeling satisfaction in my work, to feeling pride in my accomplishments and hope in what we are building here, but this joy in something so simple and meaningless. It feels so . . . it seems wrong in light of their deaths."

"I understand completely." Mr. Miles said, taking her by surprise. She had expected a lengthy speech which exonerated her of any feelings of guilt. "When Mrs. Miles passed five years ago, I wish you could have met her, I remember the first time I spotted a female Goldcrest on her nest while out for a walk. I was so excited as I had not spotted a nesting Goldcrest in quite some time. I felt this moment of elation and then . . . anger. Such anger at myself. Birdwatching was something Beatrice and I did together. How dare I enjoy it without her. I went home in a huff determined to walk with my head down for the remainder of the season. Which of course I did. I am nothing if not headstrong. And I got a great many bruises and scrapes as a result. Gave a few too as I bumped into a number of people walking in such a ridiculous fashion." He concluded with a laugh. Just then they heard a shrill cry and looked up.

"A Magpie." He said with a smile. "I see all the birds now. I am not so foolish as I once was."

"It may have been foolish in its execution, but you intended to honor her memory in your own way." Elizabeth defended him.

"What honor was there in my living in anger? Truly it was more that it was easier to do than to live with her memories. I was avoiding the life we had had together because that was less painful for me. What I did was not loving, was not honorable nor was it, of course, what she would have wanted."

"Do you think Mr. Darcy would begrudge your joy in riding?" He asked after a moment.

"No." Elizabeth knew he would not. Nor would Georgiana. It was a gift they had given her.

"I knew Fitzwilliam Darcy quite well. We spent a lot of time together prior to your marriage." Mr. Miles said. Then turning to face Elizabeth he took her hands in his. Although the vicar was a kind man he was rarely physically demonstrative so his gesture caught Elizabeth by surprise. "He was always a good man, but when he came to me to tell me of you he was a new person and I knew you would be the making of him. You were."

Elizabeth did not try to hold back her tears.

She took in his words, knowing they were true and yet not able to fully accept them.

"Lady Fitzwilliam, you must know your husband desired your happiness above almost everything else. You are struggling to remain in your sorrow, struggling to stay in your grief because beyond that is life, a true life without him."

"Yes." Elizabeth admitted, never having thought of it in those terms, but knowing her husband's old confidant was exactly right.

"And that is the last thing he would have wanted. You know that, but if it helps to hear it in another voice I am happy to be that voice, but what you must decide, what matters most now, is what you want. Mr. Darcy is not here to tell you what to do. You must decide what kind of life you will lead. What kind of life you deserve. I can tell you, and remind you as often as you would like, that your husband would have wanted you to find the fullest, happiest life possible. He would have been the first to insist you seek joy wherever possible, in moments big and small. But that will not be enough if you do not believe it for yourself."

They had arrived at back where Zeus awaited. Elizabeth embraced the vicar and thanked him for his words.

"I am here anytime, Lady Fitzwilliam."

Elizabeth nodded, mounted her horse and rode back to Pemberley deep in thought. When she had changed out her riding clothe and refreshed herself Elizabeth made her way to her study. With a deep breath, she extracted an envelope from the top drawer laid it on her desk, stared at it for a few moments and then with one last look at the familiar, neat writing spelling out her name she went to bed.


	19. Chapter 19

**So sorry if you follow and you got 2 e-mails! There was a glitch when I published so i had to delete and republish. Thanks for following, favoriting and** **reviewing. I really appreciate the support and any feedback!**

 **Day 326**

Elizabeth read Stephen's letter over breakfast. It was filled with details of London. A play he had attended with his brother, an Egyptian exhibit he had gone to and finally his visits with the Gardiners with whom he seemed to be eating the majority of his meals. He was, probably even as she read his words, traveling to Maplehearst, and then he intended to spend Christmas at Matlock with the Earl and the Viscount. Her heart squeezed at this, but she consoled herself with the knowledge that Maggie would be there too as would Mr. Smith and his family. Also, if Maggie's letters were to be believed Stephen and his brother were getting along better than they had since they were boys.

Elizabeth wrote him back immediately, answering all of his questions about their mutual friends and acquaintances and sharing some amusing stories about her latest visit with little Elizabeth and her pleasure at the resolution they had reached regarding the tenant farm. She ended with questions of her own about his family with whom she did not correspond, namely his brother and father, Maplehearst and several issues he was to have resolved for her before leaving London.

At the end of the day Elizabeth stopped by her study, as has been almost daily custom, she looked at the letter which remained atop her desk. Off to the side so as not to be in the way of her work, propped against the ink blotter so as not to be ignored. She turned it over in her hand, returned it to its place and went to bed.

 **Day 331**

About once a week Elizabeth had been entering a new room of her home. Her daily life was confined to her drawing room, study, family dining room and bedroom and once and while the music room or library. The rest of the house – the ballroom, the formal rooms, the additional dining rooms, Darcy's rooms or Georgiana's, remained untouched. Then slowly, she decided to open them, to enter them and even occasionally to change them. A picture moved, a vase taken away, a new piece of furniture added. It was a slow process that opened old wounds, but also revealed happy memories.

A letter from Stephen came announcing his arrival at Maplehearst. He asked to be remembered to little Elizabeth, told her several amusing stories about his journey and asked about her plans for Christmas.

 **Day 336**

Today she entered William's study. Mr. Whitley, having been apprised of her intentions, arrived at 9 o'clock to assist. They emptied the drawers, waded through the documents they found and spoke only when necessary. There was so much of William in everything she touched and saw. It was a very taxing experience.

After several hours Mr. Whitley had a pile of documents to review and Elizabeth a stack of letters to either read or store. There were only two dozen or so from the six months immediately prior to his death. She realized he must have kept the rest of his correspondence elsewhere. Elizabeth knew she could never bring herself to throw them away, but did not feel as if she had the right to read letters addressed to her husband. It was a riddle for another day. For now she would simply box them up and find a place for them. Mr. Whitley indicated he would review the documents he discovered to determine what needed to be kept. Once the documents and letters were taken care of there was only William's pen set and paper weight atop the desk.

"Mr. Whitley, would you like these in your office?" Elizabeth asked. She knew they were finer than anything the steward had, but felt it was an fitting gesture given his close working relationship with William.

"If you feel it appropriate, Lady Fitzwilliam, I would be honored." A footman brought a crate into which Mr. Whitley loaded the documents and the desk items. "Can I be of any further assistance?"

"No, thank you."

After he left, Elizabeth looked around. She had never thought of the study as being overly personal. There were no portraits on the walls, no knicks-knicks or mementos lining the shelves, but somehow now that the desk was empty and its surface cleared the whole room felt hollow, devoid of a presence, of him. She felt like she had removed him from a place he had still remained just hours before. Not able to bring herself to sit in his chair she took the seat that had often been hers on the small sofa by the fire and let herself cry. When she was done she rang for Mrs. Reynolds and asked that the chair too be removed and brought to Mr. Whitley's office.

She fled the space and went to her own study. The first thing she did was place the letter, her letter, face down so his handwriting, her name was not staring at her and then she wrote to Stephen. She told him of cleaning out William's study. Of the documents and letters, of the ink, pen knife and paper weight. She wrote of Mr. Whitley's efficiency and the scones Mrs. Reynolds had brought and then two pages in she wrote of the emptiness, of the hollowness she felt in the end. Of the guilt and then the grief. She told him of the other rooms, of her efforts to make changes. Of her nearly daily rides, even of that first jump and her talk with Mr. Miles. She ended with a question. Had he read his letter?

 **Day 342**

A letter from Stephen arrived while Elizabeth was practicing her music. She had been playing one of Georgiana's favorite songs. It had made her smile and not cry. A surprise so great she played it three times.

He thanked her for her long letter. He praised her for her efforts and commiserated with her in her grief, encouraged her to continue, as she felt comfortable, and to seek the support of her family and friends. His letter brought her great comfort, but she was surprised when he told her he had not only not read his letter, but he did not even have it with him. Elizabeth included it with her next letter to him.

 **Day 344 – 358**

Although Jane and Bingley had insisted that he come and collect Elizabeth for her visit she had been just as insistent that traveling with Abigail, her coachman and two footmen was more than sufficient. They reluctantly relented.

From the moment of her arrival Elizabeth knew Stanborn was exactly where she needed to be. She doted on her two-year-old nephew and little baby Elizabeth. Jane delighted in playing host and Elizabeth found unfamiliar paths and gardens to lose herself in. She was thankful to be in a world so different from her own for this first Christmas without her most beloved family. The arrival of the Gardiners completed her happiness. With so many people and so many distractions Elizabeth's moments of grief and sorrow were few and far between, but she let herself feel them. What's more she spoke of them with Jane and her Aunt who were, true to their gentle and caring natures, patient, kind and helpful. What she could not bring herself to talk about to her gracious sister and wise aunt was her husband. Where would she even begin? Both aunt and sister were confused by his absence and Elizabeth was at a loss as to how to explain it without telling outright lies.

"Stephen chose to spend Christmas with his family and not you?" Her aunt asked during one of their first private conversations. "I do not understand. He mentioned no such plans to us."

Elizabeth thought this likely because he was waiting for her to issue an invitation for him to join her at the time. She had nearly forgotten how Stephen kept constant company with the Gardiners while in London. A desire to exonerate him in her families' eyes prompted Elizabeth to create a story for their separation.

"You know how much I dislike spending time with the Earl, but Stephen has recently reconciled with his brother. I did not want to stand in the way of any family harmony and so I insisted he spend the holiday at Matlock while I came to Stanborn. It was not ideal, but you know I can be quite obstinate and in the end he did as I asked."

It was not entirely untrue. He did do as she asked. He would always do as she asked. She truly did not deserve such a loyal friend. They exchanged several letters while visiting their respective families. Stephen spoke of Maggie and Mr. Smith with more enthusiasm than in the past, him being a very protective older brother who previously imagined none of his sister's suitors good enough for her. He told her of the Viscount's improved habits, that is to say of several habits he seemed to have moderated such as his drinking and gambling. He was even seeking Stephen's advice about running the Fitzwilliam properties the Earl had left to his care years earlier. Properties which had long been neglected and losing money. The celebration at Matlock was subdued but the siblings found joy in being together knowing their mother would have been happy about their efforts. He told her how they spoke of their favorite memories of her and of Darcy and Georgiana, of how he missed them. Elizabeth responded in kind. Sharing about her own families' celebrations, their activities. How little Elizabeth had grown and how little Charles was now adept at getting into mischief, about the Gardiner children though she imagined he knew quite enough about them having seen them often just a month previous. She told him how she missed collecting Holly boughs with Georgiana on Christmas Eve, welcoming guests to Pemberley's New Year's ball, picking out a gift for William and watching his eyes light up as he opened it. Had he read his letter?

 **Day 359**

Elizabeth returned to Pemberley along with her aunt and uncle. Their children were to spend an additional week with the Bingleys at Stanborn. Elizabeth had several matters to attend to immediately upon her return. After seeing her guests installed in their rooms she met with Mr. Whitley for over an hour to address a tenant matter that had arisen in her absence and then Mrs. Reynolds to discuss menus for the next few days as well as to inquire about the more subdued holiday celebrations that took place at Pemberley in her absence.

"And the tenants all received the baskets as we discussed?" She asked.

"Yes, most were picked up at the celebration, but those that were not were delivered in the days that followed. Everyone was very appreciative. We know what a hard year this has been." Mrs. Reynolds said, laying a hand on Elizabeth's for a brief moment.

"I missed being here with you all." Elizabeth responded honestly. She had wanted to be at Pemberley and also known it was not possible. As much as she had been able to move forward there were still milestones she feared, places, moments she was not certain she could bear.

"And you were missed as well, mistress, but your absence was understood, by all. The staff gifts you chose were also very well received and might I take this opportunity to express my gratitude. You are always too kind . . . I am a very lucky woman to have such a mistress."

It was rare to see Mrs. Reynolds at a loss for words and Elizabeth was torn between laughter and a sense of profound gratitude for this wonderful mother-figure she had in her life.

"You are very welcome and although we both know I am the lucky one I will not begin an argument you will never let me win. I will instead take myself off to the library and get lost in a book until the Gardiners are ready for tea. You will let them know where to find me?"

"Of course, Mistress." Mrs. Reynolds was all formality once again.

 **Day 362**

Although Elizabeth had quickly fallen back into her routine, enjoying being in her home and hosting her favorite relatives there was something in the back of her mind that cast a dark shadow on all of it. She knew Stephen would understand and so her next letter to him was short and filled with her anxiety. It was the anniversary of Georgiana's death and in three days it would be his. She was not certain she could get through it. She wanted him, Stephen, by her side. This she did not tell him because the guilt of the longing from that day and of needing him on these days was something she still had not forgiven herself for.

 **Day 365**

Her Aunt and Uncle tried to engage her in conversation, in activity throughout the day but they were unsuccessful. Being aware of what the day meant and being sensitive to the needs to their niece they remained close by but did not stifle her.

A letter arrived from Stephen. She did not read it. Instead she removed the letter that had sat on her desk for months and brought it to the sitting room which adjoined her bedroom. A room she had rarely used since Stephen's departure. Choosing a chair close to the fire and taking a sip of brandy, a drink William had occasionally shared with her in this very room, Elizabeth opened the letter.

Beloved,

While it is my dearest wish that your words yesterday by the lake would prove true and that this letter will not find you for another forty years I know that my power only goes so far. And therefore, I want you to know what I would want for you when I am gone just as you expressed your desires for me last night. Please know, my love, that I do not make these requests lightly as I am sure you did not make yours.

The moment on that lane at Longbourn when you agreed to be my wife, the place we seek out every time we visit your family, I thought that was the happiest moment of my life. I thought I loved you as much as I could ever love anyone. How you delight in proving me wrong. How could I have known that I had only begun to know happiness and I had only begun to love you. Every day after that my love and my happiness increased. Before you begin to argue with me, yes even when you are stubborn and force me to reconcile with my belligerent aunt who does not show you the deference you are due as my wife. Even when you spill wine on the Earl of Sandwich at your first ball in London and imagine you have disgraced the Darcy name (you did not), even when you force me to remove my shoes and wade in a stream in the middle of November, perhaps especially then. What I mean to say, in my usual plodding way, is you have given me a life of love, joy and happiness and if it lasts a few years or a few decades it is a gift. If the Lord sees fit to take me from you, let it not be so, but if it is please do not spend your life mourning me. I do not mean to say you would not mourn, of course you will. Our love would not allow you to do otherwise what I mean is do not spend your life in mourning. Remember me, remember what we had and I know you will do what you can to honor what we are building together at Pemberley, but please, Elizabeth my love, Live. You have so much love, passion and joy in you. I do not mean to prescribe how you are to live only that you must do so in the manner you think best, not to please me, your relatives or certainly not mine. I ask only that you take care of Georgiana, which I know I do not even need to ask, but feel it would be strange if I did not mention my concern for my sister in this imaginary world I am creating where I am not there to care for and protect the two most important women in my life. I will end this missive now as I find it is quite a depressing task to undertake, considering a world where we are not together although I must confess I would rather a world where you exist and I do not than the reverse. Perhaps that is cowardly of me as I cannot imagine how I would go on without you, but somehow I know you, being the stronger of us, would find a way, but II meant what I promised you yesterday, though it pains me. I would try, if ever anything happened to you and so I expect no less from you my brave, beautiful ,matchless wife.

Yours ever,

Fitzwilliam Darcy,


	20. Chapter 20

**As you can see I am moving a little faster now! Thank you so much for your reviews! They are so encouraging! I appreciate every one and every follow and favorite as well.**

 **Day 366 - 370**

Although she did not allow herself to become completely lost after the anniversary of William's death and the aftermath of reading his letter Elizabeth did suffer physical and emotion setbacks after that day. She retired to her bedroom several hours after reading the letter but did not wake until after noon the next day and even then she could not bring herself to rise. Abigail was concerned enough to admit Mrs. Gardiner to her mistress' chamber by nightfall.

"I know yesterday was difficult, Lizzy." Madeline said holding Elizabeth's hand. "Is there nothing I can do for you."

Elizabeth wished she had a task she could set her aunt to, knowing it would give them both some relief. She would be saved from giving voice to her distress and her aunt from the feeling of uselessness.

"If I knew what I needed I would tell you." She said simply, and though this was not entirely true she would not give voice to what she thought would actually help her most because she knew he would be sent for immediately.

Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner, as well as Abigail and Mrs. Reynolds took turns reading to her. The Gardiners took their meals with her and eventually she was coaxed to rise, dress and move as far as her sitting room. On the third day she showed William's letter to her aunt. They cried together. That night Elizabeth went to bed before the sun went down.

 **Day 371**

As she stood facing the door to her husband's chamber, the door that had almost never been closed in their four years of marriage, her heart raced, her head pounded and her hands shook. It may have been minutes or hours that she remained there before she heard his voice in her heart. It was time, past time. She had opened every other room, gone through Georgiana's belongings, sorted through papers and letters from his study, this was the last place he remained. That was why it was so hard.

"Would you like me to accompany you?" Her aunt seemed to have appeared out of nowhere.

Without turning Elizabeth nodded and before she could stop herself she reached for the doorknob and turned it. She realized at once that the room had not been entirely neglected. Of course, it had not. The lack of dust, the made bed and the fresh scents all spoke to Mrs. Reynolds care. Elizabeth knew instinctively that the dear woman would not let anyone else in to the room.

It was familiar. So achingly familiar. The wash stand by his dressing room door, their bedside tables which still held the books they had been reading and even his shaving items laid out as if he would come through the door fresh from a ride, eager to prepare for an evening with friends. The whole room spoke of the life they had lived and its end struck her with renewed force. She tried to remember the last moments they spent here together before the fever destroyed the life they had built.

"Where shall we begin?" Her aunt's question pulled her from trying to reconstruct those last moments of normalcy, from the painful regret and fog of grief.

"I think we could ask Thomas be called to see to the wardrobe and we could have Mrs. Reynolds give the room an airing when we have finished. Would you look through the items there?" She asked indicating the small chest of drawers adjacent to the dressing room where she knew William had kept various items including documents and some family heirlooms.

"Perhaps we could send them to Stephen to sort through." It struck her how briefly she was allowed to know the man whose life and love so deeply defined her. Pressing on she assigned herself the chest at the foot of the bed where William kept journals, papers and books that held special value to him.

"Or perhaps you could ask him to return so that he might sort through them here." Her aunt said gently. Madeline Gardiner was not one to push but Elizabeth knew she wanted to be of use to her niece and she obviously understood that there was something not quite right between her and Stephen. Thankfully she also knew her aunt would not press her.

"He had much to occupy him in London and now he must handle several matters at Maplehurst." Was all Elizabeth said.

After an hour Mrs. Reynolds found them and showing not a hint of surprise by word or action set to work beside them when Elizabeth asked her to see to the linens. Elizabeth was able to work fairly easily without tears because most of the items she encountered were unfamiliar to her. She set her husband's journals aside knowing she could not read them at present but hoping very much to one day discover what he had recorded in the years he kept them – mostly his university days and one when his father was ill. Other papers included some documents of his father's – letters and contracts he had written or signed that seemed not to hold legal but sentimental significance. She set those aside to be placed back in the trunk. She would show some of them to Mr. Whitley to be sure they held no practical importance. Finally, she came to a box which contained letters from Georgiana – dozens of them. Despite a fear of being pulled into that despair she avoided so assiduously, Elizabeth found herself anxious to hear her sister's voice once more. Of course she had her own saved correspondence with Georgiana but these letters would have words, thoughts, ideas and events that were unfamiliar to her. It would be as if Georgie was speaking to her again.

"Aunt, would you mind if I retired to the sitting room for a time?" She asked.

Mrs. Reynolds had left half an hour earlier laden with linens and pillows. And Madeline had begun boxing up articles from the chest in cases that had been brought out from the dressing room.

"Not at all." she replied immediately. "I will go and see what your uncle has been doing these past few hours."

"Thank you, I would like to read these." She told her knowing she would want to know what she had found but would never ask. "They appear to be Georgie's letters to William from when she was a little girl until a few years ago."

"I will be below stairs if you need me." Her aunt said simply squeezing her arm and leaving her alone.

Elizabeth went in to her sitting room rang for Abigail and asked that lunch to be sent up. An hour later her cheeks were stained with tears, but she was happy. The letters began when Georgie was but ten years old and missing her brother who was at Oxford. They were full of love, showed signs of petulance at times and painted a picture of life at Pemberley under the previous Mr. Darcy. Elizabeth was content to know Georgie had been loved so well by both her father and her brother. The first bundle ended when Georgie turned thirteen and the last letter was full of a young girl's advice on how to please the ladies. Elizabeth suspected she was anxious for her brother to bring home a wife and did not at all trust him to know how to do it. She mused that the young girl had not been wrong about her brother needing advice in that area.

When she reached for the next letter she found it written in a very different hand. She did not realize this stack, which contained at least a dozen more letters were not from Georgiana at all until she read the first one.

Darcy,

I want to be angry at you for your advice as I must confess I am finding a season, or even part of one, in London more exhausting than the battlefields of Spain.

In an effort to put your advice in to practice, I indicated to my ever-eager father that I will make myself available as he wishes to meet the heiresses he has been urging on me these many years. He has taken to the task with alacrity. My Aunt Eugenia has been drafted to screen the candidates and thus far I have been to three balls, two soirees and one tea. At these six events I have been introduced to twelve young ladies whose collective fortunes equal no less than two-hundred-fifty-thousand pounds. Some of them were actually quite pretty, two or three were fairly witty and one I might even call intelligent. They are harmless enough girls, apparently willing to do as bidden by their families as they seemed eager to impress me - a mere second son with no fashion, form or fortune to speak of. But our family is one many wish to be allied with I suppose and so I am told I may choose from among them.

But how am I to choose from among these dozen when my heart has already chosen? I wish you had not decided to forgo the remainder of the season here in Town, not that I can blame you. But I do desire your counsel. I am trying, cousin. I agree that to truly know whether this is love or affection I must not only stay away but also engage in this seemingly farcical matchmaking circus. I had thought my mother would be more eager to parade me before the daughters of her many friends, but she has left it all to father. I think she sees my heart is not in it and may even suspect the cause. You know she has always been too perceptive for my own good. I fear she will wheedle the truth from me soon enough if my commander does not shortly require my presence far from London. But that is unlikely as father has exerted his considerable influence to ensure that I am indispensable to a major general who is stationed at the war office. It looks as though my sentence of balls and meaningless small talk will be of some duration.

I know your advice was sound, but I cannot help but wonder what might be my present circumstances had I followed my heart. I do thank you for always listening to me and taking time to give advice particularly as you seemed so out of spirits. I will not press you again to confide your troubles in me. I will only say once more that I am, as ever, your constant friend.

All my best to our dear Georgiana. Tell her please that her letters are so dear to me. Better yet I will tell her myself as I am quite a letter in her debt. I will write to her directly.

Yours,

Stephen

The letter was not dated, clearly he was not as fastidious a letter writer as William. Elizabeth could not remember hearing about Stephen spending a season in London being paraded before debutants, something neither he nor William were likely to ever enjoy, so she assumed these events had transpired well before they had met at Rosings. Perhaps when he was a younger, more biddable gentleman. She did feel slightly guilty for reading the letter, but also confused and very curious. She felt that she had intruded on a private matter between her husband and his cousin. But he was her husband now – a fact she kept forgetting - and she wanted to know more about who he was before she knew him. Further, she was curious, as always, about this woman who had captured his heart so long ago. This was the first she had heard of her in Stephen's own words, however briefly she was mentioned. Although tempted, Elizabeth felt she could not read any of the other dozen or so letters in the pile that she now recognized as all containing Stephen's handwriting as they would likely continue this conversation and it would be an invasion of his privacy for her to learn about it that way. There was another bundle with a letter from Stephen on top and she imagined this was likely another group of his letters. This top letter was dated and it seemed to be from immediately before Stephen left for the continent shortly after the she and Darcy were married. Not certain if she should read any of these as she sat by the window and ate her lunch she thought on the one she had read.

Who was this woman Stephen referred to? For the first time since the night of their kiss Elizabeth thought of Stephen and herself. Of his feelings for her which in truth she had very little understanding of and hers for him which she may have understood even less. She remembered the first weeks of their acquaintance and her nascent interest in him. She pushed aside the guilt and allowed herself to remember.

" _Miss Bennet." Colonel Fitzwilliam greeted her with his customary gallant bow. Elizabeth smiled as this had become something of a joke between them with her teasing him about his excessive displays of chivalry and him making them more and more ridiculous to make her laugh. "I apologize if I am disturbing your solitude. I was on my way to call on the parsonage, but when I saw you through the trees I changed direction."_

" _I do not regret your decision at all." She assured him and they resumed walking._

" _I am glad to hear it. I should lament very much if the joy I found in your company placed a burden on you. Indeed, I think I would be forced to fling myself in Lady Catherine's fine trout stream."_

" _Oh the horrors." Elizabeth laughed, enjoying the banter. Charlotte enjoyed teasing her about the Colonel's affection for her and her own pleasure in his company. Elizabeth wasn't certain how much credence to give her friend's opinions when Charlotte still insisted Mr. Darcy harbored some secret attachment to her. Elizabeth knew that when that gentleman looked at her it was only to criticize. Colonel Fitzwilliam on the other hand was very open about the enjoyment he found in her company. Indeed, he shared quite frequently his favorable opinions of her wit, her beauty and even her very mediocre playing. His compliments were sometimes given in the silly manner they had developed to tease one another, but somehow Elizabeth still sensed a sincerity in them._

" _Although I believe that would be the most activity the trout stream has seen since my Uncle's passing more than two decades ago."_

" _You and Mr. Darcy do not enjoy the sport when you visit?" She asked taking the arm her offered as he helped her over a log._

" _If only." He sighed. "It would alleviate the tedium of the biannual pilgrimage, but of course her Ladyship insists on having us practically underfoot for almost every moment we are not conducting estate business."_

" _Well I do understand how the company of ladies and all our tedious conversation cannot compare to joys of standing in a stream for hours hoping to end the life of some poor helpless fish." She replied with more annoyance than she intended._

" _Elizabeth, Miss Bennet" Colonel Fitzwilliam quickly corrected himself. He turned toward her dislodging her arm and they stood, looking at one another. "I apologize for my ill-chosen words. I was of course referring to previous visits and not this one. I thought you knew . . . I assumed I had been all too clear these past weeks how not tedious I found your company."_

 _This brief speech was accompanied by a shy smile that was quite unlike others the Colonel had bestowed upon her. It was so much more serious than was his custom Elizabeth felt herself thrown into some confusion. Was he trying to convey to her that he had serious intentions? Fortunately, the Colonel's flawless instincts seemed to sense her confusion as in the next moment he was waxing poetic about the many boring hours he had spent in her Ladyship's parlor over the years. His amusing anecdotes soon had her forgetting the momentary awkwardness._

 _When they arrived at the parsonage Maria greeted the Colonel with her usual eagerness and Charlotte prevailed upon him to join them for tea. As Mr. Collins was working on his sermon she saw no need to disturb him and the conversation remained intelligent and pleasant._

 _As Elizabeth observed him speaking with the other ladies she considered what it would mean if he were to have intentions toward her. His company was pleasing and although what she felt for him could not be described as love she certainly felt something like affection and although he was not so handsome as Wickham there was something about his physical appearance that she found very pleasing. The mystery of her regard for the Colonel was not solved that day as shortly after his visit ended Mr. Collins demanded the ladies' attention. And although listening to her cousin sermonize did not require all of her focus it likewise did not allow the peace and quiet which an examination of her intimate feelings would have required._

 _The next day any feelings Elizabeth may have had or developed in the future were rendered irrelevant. She took her usual walk bringing with her some of Jane's letters which indicated her sister had not yet recovered her spirits after Mr. Bingley's defection. As she came to a bend in the road she was met by Colonel Fitzwilliam._

" _I did not know before you ever walked this way." She said as it was his cousin who she had met on this particular path more times than she cared to recount._

" _I have been taking a tour of the park as I generally do every year, and intend to close it with a call at the parsonage. Are you going much further?"_

 _Trying to put Jane's melancholy out of her mind, Elizabeth took the Colonel's proffered arm and answered with a smile, "No I should have turned in a moment."_

 _Now that they were strolling together in silence Elizabeth realized she was quite at a loss as to the Colonel's feelings and intentions. He was such a mixture of teasing and sincerity she realized she may have imagined the moment yesterday where she perceived he was trying to communicate that he felt for her something beyond their burgeoning friendship. Unwilling to probe a topic where she was not yet certain of her own desire Elizabeth chose an exceptionally safe topic that would allow them to avoid anything like yesterday's conversation._

" _Do you certainly leave Kent on Saturday?"_

" _Yes – if Darcy does not put it off again. But I am at his disposal. He arranges the business just as he pleases."_

 _Although spoken with his usual easy smile Elizabeth sensed something underneath the Colonel's simple remark about his cousin. She sought to bring further levity to the discussion with her next remark._

" _And if not able to please himself in the arrangement, he has at least pleasure in the great power of choice. I do not know anybody who seems more to enjoy the power of doing what he likes than Mr. Darcy."_

 _The Colonel looked at her for a long moment before answering, gone was his usual light tone._

" _He likes to have his own way very well, "replied Colonel Fitzwilliam. "But so we all do. It is only that he has better means of having it than many others, because he is rich, and many others are poor. I speak feelingly. A younger son you know, must be inured to self-denial and dependence."_

 _Clearly her effort at moving the conversation to more lighthearted grounds was not working. The Colonel seemed as serious and put out as she had ever seen him. Elizabeth tried once again to move them to their more familiar cheerful type conversation._

" _In my opinion, the younger son of an earl can know very little of either. Now, seriously, what have you ever known of self-denial and dependence? When have you been prevented by want of money from going wherever you chose, or procuring anything you had a fancy for?"_

 _He looked at her for a long moment before answering and when he did she had the distinct impression he had changed his mind about what he was going to say just before he began to speak._

" _These are home questions – and perhaps I cannot say that I have experienced many hardships of that nature. But in matters of greater weight, I may suffer from the want of money." Then after a deep breath he added. "Younger sons may not marry where they like."_

" _Unless where they like women of fortune, which I think they very often do." Elizabeth responded with a forced smile. This then was her answer. He recognized he might have raised her hopes with his careless words yesterday and meant to put her on her guard with this conversation today. His next words confirmed this suspicion._

" _Our habits of expense make us too dependent, and there are not many in my rank of life who can afford to marry without some attention to money."_

 _As he spoke the Colonel had turned away from Elizabeth and she could not read his expression. His tone was even and Elizabeth heard, or at least hoped she heard some regret in it. Like with Wickham and Mary King she found she could not truly blame the Colonel for being unable to consider her as a potential match even if his inclination would have been in her favor. It was not his fault that Fortune favored men like Mr. Darcy and Mr. Bingley leaving him and Mr. Wickham to potentially choose between love and security. Elizabeth knew that she herself had already had to make that choice and she chose love or rather she chose against security. Perhaps that was one advantage to being a female. If she remained dependent on her family for the remainder of her life society would accept that. Not so with the gentlemen. Ironically they would need to seek "independence" in the form of a wealthy woman._

 _Recovering herself from these rather serious and profound ideas Elizabeth responded to the Colonel's last complaint in a lively tone._

" _And pray, what is the usual price of an earl's younger son? Unless the elder brother is very sickly I suppose you would not ask above fifty thousand pounds."_

 _He turned to her with a grateful smile and answered "Do you not think with my height, lack of weak chin and bright red uniform I could command so much?"_

" _But of course, Colonel." She responded lightly trying not to sound as affected as she felt. It was not so much that she was disappointed, although part of her was, it was that she wanted to be sure he did not perceive any alteration in her as a result of this conversation. To that end she soon turned the conversation back to Mr. Darcy so that they each had something and someone else to focus on._

"Lady Fitzwilliam." Elizabeth was startled from her thoughts by Mrs. Reynolds. "I apologize, Mistress I did not mean to startle you."

Elizabeth could not deny that the housekeeper had in fact startled her. Looking at the fading light outside her bedroom window she wondered just how long she had sat there pondering what she had found in the letter and what she might find were she to read more.

"It is no matter, Mrs. Reynolds. I have tarried here long enough." Elizabeth smiled and rose from her chair.

"I see your lunch is untouched." The housekeeper said gently but with the assurance that her hint would be taken. "I have removed all of the items I felt comfortable taking out of the room and taken the items your Aunt set aside for you to look over. They will be in several trunks in the attic. When you are ready to sort through them simply let me know and I will have them fetched."

"Thank you, Mrs. Reynolds." Elizabeth said with a smile. "I will eat my meal. I promise."

"Mr. Miles, the Alans and the Prescotts are expected for dinner." Mrs. Reynolds reminded Elizabeth as she moved to leave.

"Yes, thank you. I will eat and then ring for Abigail." She did as she promised and then rested before she began her preparations for the evening.

The Gardiners met Elizabeth at the top of the stairs.

"Elizabeth, you look lovely." Her uncle said, folding her into a gentle embrace. She wore a gown of light green. It was one of several she had ordered from a dressmaker in Lambton upon their return to Pemberley last fall. This was the first time since she emerged from her sick bed that she wore a gown that was not black or some dark shade of another color. Even her wedding dress had been deep blue. She had not looked at herself in the mirror, but had noted Abigail's wide smile of approval as she fixed her hair.

"Thank you, uncle." Elizabeth responded taking a moment to enjoy the forgotten, but still familiar warmth of her uncle's arms.

"I must say that color becomes you." Madeline told her as they descended the stairs.

Elizabeth and her Aunt and Uncle were assembled in the parlor when their guests were announced. The Gardiners had met them all on previous visits so no introductions were necessary. The Prescotts and the Alans were older couples who had been friends of the Darcy family when Anne and George Darcy were alive. They had continued to be on friendly terms with Elizabeth and William despite the age difference.

The families had dined together only once since her marriage to Stephen and it seemed the ladies were eager for some private conversation as they quickly descended on Elizabeth soon as they separated from the gentlemen after dinner.

"My dear, you are looking a little pale and tired this evening." Mrs. Prescott declared with a pat on her shoulder. The kindly lady did not look at all put out by this accurate description of Elizabeth's countenance.

"Oh Winefred, you are too forward. We must allow her to keep her secrets." Mrs. Alan admonished with a nod to Elizabeth. Mrs. Alan and Mrs. Prescott had been best friends for several decades and they reminded Elizabeth greatly of herself and Jane with Mrs. Alan being the more gentle one with the delicate sense of honor. So if Mrs. Prescott was in fact pressing her for something Mrs. Alan was taking it upon herself to protect Elizabeth from revealing some secret they both felt she kept. The trouble was Elizabeth did not know what secret this was.

"I am afraid I do not know what you mean." She told her friends frankly, hoping for equal frankness in return.

"Why the happy reason for your exhaustion and pallor, dear girl." Mrs. Prescott pressed and now both ladies looked at her in eager anticipation, but for the life of her she could not determine what it was they wanted hear.

"I am afraid there is no happy . . ."it was then that she noticed both women looking at her hands which she held in her lap. Was it her wedding band from Stephen, did they want to speak of the ceremony? No, it was not her hands they were looking at so intently but her waist. They thought she was expecting. This idea brought a sharp stab of longing to her heart. Longing for the child she would never have with William and far more surprisingly longing for the life she would never have with Stephen. Rather than explicitly correct them, words she could not bring herself to say she explained the real source of the symptoms they had mistakenly attributed to a much more joyful cause. "I am simply tired due to my inability to sleep more than a few hours at a time for the past week or so."

Mrs. Alan looked truly stricken, but Mrs. Gardiner quickly took control of the conversation and soon the ladies were discussing mutual acquaintances in the neighborhood and Elizabeth and the Gardiners plans to travel to London. The former's plans were not yet fixed but her relatives would be returning home within the week.

"Will you take the opportunity to visit your modiste?" Mrs. Prescott was asking when the gentlemen rejoined them.

"I hope you will take the opportunity to do a little shopping when you do finally return to town." Madeline said coming to her side. "You should have new gowns made as I have no doubt your friends will be clamoring to host balls in your honor to celebrate your marriage now that you are out of mourning."

"Perhaps I will." Elizabeth said. Shopping had never been a favorite pastime of hers, but she understood the gentle push from her Aunt. Every dress in her wardrobe was reminder of a dinner, a ball, a visit, a conversation. Even just going through Georgiana's wardrobe, looking at her gowns had been painful. That in one sitting. Imagining every time she put on a gown reliving the last time she wore it with William or Georgiana was not a prospect she welcomed. Her current gown had never been worn before and it was only one of two such dresses she owned. Perhaps a new wardrobe was in order. The ladies had moved on in their discussion. She struggled to catch up.

"Oh yes and you must write directly if you see General Wellington. I hear he has returned to London." Mrs. Prescott demanded. "He is so dashing. I saw him once in Bath at the Pump Room years ago and I swear I almost swooned." Everyone laughed at her exaggeration.

Elizabeth thought of Stephen, the only soldier she knew well. Mr. Wickham hardly qualified.

"I will certainly let you know, but while I have never been particularly partial to men in uniform I must say Sir Stephen is certainly the most dashing officer I myself have ever encountered." Elizabeth had not meant to say that. Had not even known she thought it, but once it was out she realized it was true.

The evening ended early as was often the case when your guests were looking back at seventy. Elizabeth and the Gardiners enjoyed some conversation before separating for bed. Elizabeth was thankful as it kept her mind off of both the step she had taken in leaving her widow's garb behind and the abandoned talk of children.

Without really making a decision to do so Elizabeth found herself in her sitting room, ready for bed holding the box of Stephen's letters. She still felt it was an invasion of his privacy to read them. But somehow she could not bring herself to simply remove the temptation by forwarding the letters to Stephen at Maplehurst. In the end, she determined to write him to tell him of their existence as well as her progress in going through Williams things. He might be interested to know about it and he might be interested not only in the letters but some other of William's things.

Elizabeth sighed as she thought of the comradery between William and Stephen. William was never so easy with anyone as he was with his cousin. Even Bingley. Suddenly she wished very much for Stephen's end of this correspondence. She imagined she would learn a great deal about her husband from his letters to Stephen and she wondered if William was as frank with Stephen as Stephen clearly had been with him.


	21. Chapter 21

**I offer sincere apologies, as** **always, for my long delay. Real life combined with an inability to get this part just how I imagined created the long delay! I will try and do better. Thank you all for your support!**

 **Day 375**

After completing her morning routine, which lately consisted of breakfast, a walk through the gardens and then attending to household matters in her study, Elizabeth settled in to her favorite chair to read the letter from Stephen which had arrived just as she returned from the garden. It both cheered her and brought her back to her own grief.

He spoke of his sorrow as he moved through the anniversaries of Georgiana and Darcy's death, of his struggle to forgive himself for not being able to do more help them get well. He had never shared this guilt with her when they were together at Pemberley. Perhaps the distance made it easier to admit and the pen made him freer with his words. The letter also held good news. Maggie had come to stay at Maplehearst for a time with her companion and he felt she was becoming more confident in herself. She told him she intended to accept Mr. Smith if he offered for her. Elizabeth could not have been more pleased. When he told her of his plans to travel to London and asked for permission to make use to Darcy House Elizabeth felt, not for the first time, how badly she had treated him.

After penning a quick response to Stephen assuring him that he was, of course, always welcome to Darcy House Elizabeth read her other letters, two related to her shipping investments, one from her father and one from Charlotte Collins. Once she had made notes regarding how she intended to proceed regarding the news she received about her investments Elizabeth decided to seek out her aunt. She found her in the sitting room.

"Hard at work as usual." Elizabeth said taking a seat beside her.

"I would hardly call mending hard work, Lizzy." Madeline smiled. "I know you had intended to return these pieces on your visits this week, but you had several unexpected issues arise and haven't been able to apply your talents to this considerable pile with as much diligence as usual. I am happy to help."

It was quite a bundle.

"Well I appreciate it immensely." Elizabeth said and reaching for a cloak she began the familiar motions to mend the tear in the garments collar. After a few minutes of working in companionable silence Elizabeth mentioned her father's letter.

"He says Thomas is simply enchanted with his new puppy and Mama even enjoys little Henry as well. Apparently, the pup has decided that he must take all his naps by her side."

"How delightful."

"Papa thinks he may be as good for Mama as he is for Thomas –wearing out the one and giving new energy to the other." After a pause, Elizabeth summoned her courage and said, "I also received a letter from Stephen." Watching her aunt closely for a reaction, she noticed her busy hands stilled for only a moment before continuing their quick and elegant pace.

"How is Sir Stephen? Has he made his way back to London as he had planned?"

"He plans to travel imminently." Elizabeth said, then added, "I find I miss his company."

"I would imagine so. He is skilled at the art of conversation and such pleasant company. Shall we ring for tea?"

Elizabeth was not fooled, her aunt was very interested in what she might say regarding Stephen, but perhaps after so many months of silence she was hesitant to press her niece in any way. It was of little consequence. As it turned out, Elizabeth needed no encouragement.

Once they had had their tea she told her beloved aunt much what she loved and missed about her husband, who felt nothing like the title he wore in her life, but he had always been a beloved friend. She missed his help with Pemberley, with the decisions she had to make regarding her other properties, her investments and so many other things. She missed his sense of humor and his quiet companionship. She missed having someone to speak with who loved William and Georgie. She missed his easy smile and his kindness. Madeline listened as Lizzy explained all of this without saying a word. Finally, when it seemed Elizabeth had exhausted all of the ways she missed Stephen her aunt asked her a question.

"What I do not understand, Elizabeth is - why?"

"But, Aunt I have been explaining and you know Stephen yourself. Surely you can see why I would miss him." Elizabeth said, surprised her aunt would even ask such a question. Perhaps she didn't think Elizabeth should be missing someone who wasn't William.

"It is not that I question your desiring his company." Madeline explained. "What I do not understand is why you must miss him at all."

When Elizabeth continued to regard her with confusion Madeline clarified, "why is he not here or why are you not there?"

It was a question Elizabeth had only begun to answer in her own heart and mind. She was not sure how to begin to articulate it to someone else, even someone as perceptive and kind as her aunt, but she tried. Without revealing too much.

"Stephen and I, perhaps, came together too soon and I was not ready. Then I pushed him away and I think hurt him. Though he would never tell me as much, never ask anything of me he did not think I was ready, no eager to give. However; even knowing that I do not think I am prepared to . . . I am still uncertain, Aunt of what I want, of what he wants, of what is even possible. What do I do?"

"Oh, Lizzy." Madeline said with a sigh. "I am sorry it has been so hard for you. I can understand why you feel so conflicted and although I suspect there is much you are not saying I appreciate you taking me into your confidence, you need to allow others to bear some of your burdens from time to time my dear."

"I think perhaps the best advice I could give is to talk it over with your husband. Over the course of my marriage I have often found that my worries and fears are far bigger when I keep them to myself. Once I share them with Edward they seem so much less than I had made them out to be. He often finds solutions I could not or at the very least in talking with him I find solutions I did not see when my problems only rumbled around inside my head. You are to travel with Jane and Charles to London in six weeks time?"

"Yes."

"I suggest you write your sister to see if they might be willing to go a bit sooner. You need to be with your husband, Elizabeth and if I may be so bold, he with you. He was not himself the last time we saw him. I do not want to interfere, but I will take the opening you have given me and go so far as to suggest what I have and leave it to you."

With that her aunt left to finish her packing as the Gardiners were leaving the next day. Elizabeth had much to consider. As she did that Elizabeth wrote a second letter to Stephen, she would place it in the envelope with the first. She began by telling him about her letter from William. Without telling him what William said she outlined the heart of the letter and explained how she felt after reading it and how it helped her to move forward. The rest of the letter was filled with stories of her family and Pemberley of Mr. Kingsley and her joy at being able to walk as far as the weather permitted as her strength was almost fully returned. Her signature already graced the bottom but Elizabeth hesitated before sealing it. After long moments of consideration she added a postscript. She encouraged him to read his letter from William and then with a more hesitant hand she ended with

Although I do not claim to know what it might be, I very much would like to find a way for you and I to be together once again. You remain my dearest friend.

 **Day 376**

Elizabeth said goodbye to the Gardiners in the late afternoon.

"Our dearest girl," her uncle said before handing his wife into the carriage. "We will miss you. I hope we will see in London shortly?"

"Perhaps even sooner than previously planned?" Madeline said with a mischievous quirk of her brow.

"Perhaps." Elizabeth agreed, giving away nothing more. After embracing them both she stood on Pemberley's front steps until the carriage was out of sight.

 **Day 382**

Between her visits with neighbors and tenants, especially little Elizabeth, her tasks as mistress and correspondence, walks and playing the pianoforte Elizabeth kept herself quite busy. When a letter from Stephen arrived she could not help the eager rush of hope she felt. Anticipating his response to the overture at the end of her last missive she hurried to her study and opened it at her desk. It contained news of his trip to London, of her beloved staff at Darcy House – she was so very glad to hear of them, but she told herself she would come back to his story of Mrs. Fitzgibbons once she had found what he had to say regarding the hopes she confided. Unfortunately, there was nothing. Nothing at all. He went on with more of his usual amusing tales. A story about an aristocrat he saw on the street and one about his final days at Maplehearst. She threw the letter on her desk. Her disappointment was palpable. Then an idea struck her.

"Perhaps he had not yet received my letter." She said this out loud as she went back to review it once more. Having rushed through the first time she now read it more carefully. His reference to her renewed health confirmed he had in fact read her letter. Reading it through again Elizabeth was struck by something else. It reminded her very much of her letters to him in the months immediately following his departure from Pemberley. Though the letter was several pages long not only did he not answer her tentative inquiry about the direction of their friendship he said nothing at all about himself, nothing at all of substance. What had she done to them? What could she do now? Elizabeth began to think back on the course of their relationship since William's death and she became uncomfortable with what she saw.

 **Days 387-415**

She continued to write letters to Stephen that allowed him to see her, fully. She told him of her moments of joy and sorrow. Her accomplishments and setbacks. She told him how she was looking forward to coming to London and even how it concerned her at times that she was able to look forward to things and wondered if that meant she was forgetting them. In each letter she asked what he wanted from her, for their future. More boldly each time. It was her attempt to give to him as he had constantly been giving to her since the day she woke from her fever. He had never asked that she share herself with him, but she believed that he would welcome it and so she offered.

Stephen's responses always addressed Elizabeth's questions – save the one – and the things she shared. It was natural she should look forward now, he told her and Darcy would be proud. He was delighted she found more and more moments of joy and thankful she shared them with him. He advised, when asked, regarding tenant concerns or investment decisions. Each and every item was attended to except for that which she most wished he would speak about. What was it that he wanted from her, for them? She wanted so much to be guided by him, but now he refused to make his wishes known.

She tried not to consider his silence as an answer in itself. Tried not to think about all the ways she had wronged him over the past year, especially the one way she could not take back, but in this she was not entirely successful.

 **Day 416**

The Bingleys, all four of them, along with several of their staff, and an impressive amount of luggage arrived at Pemberley for a brief stay before they would sojourn, with Elizabeth, to London for the season. They were a tremendous help to Elizabeth as she closed the house for the first time in two years, took her leave of neighbors, friends and tenants and packed for the journey and her long stay in town.

Jane squeezed her sisters hand as Elizabeth gazed at Pemberley. The carriage pulled away with a smooth clip clop of well-trained horses feet and Elizabeth wondered what lay ahead. A tear slid down her cheek as she mourned all that lay behind.

 **Day 418**

It wasn't until the second day of the journey that Elizabeth noticed. When she came down from her room for breakfast she sought her sister out in the small private dining room they had reserved for their use.

"Jane dear, I am glad you are here." Elizabeth said selecting some pastries and taking a seat.

"One of the benefits of young children," Jane said with a tired smile, "I am an even earlier riser than you some days."

"Indeed. Where are my niece and nephew?"

"Charles and Beverly have taken them to the yard to try and run them ragged before we confine them to the carriage once again."

"That sounds wise." Elizabeth said with a smile. She had spent half of yesterday's journey in the carriage with little Elizabeth, Charles and their nanny, Beverly, at her own insistence. It was one of the joys, she was discovering, in her life to spend time with her niece and nephew. Although she had also discovered that they were perhaps less delightful confined inside a carriage for several hours.

"Jane, I noticed that we are staying at different inns than we are used to on our journey to London from Pemberley. Was there some issue with the usual places?"

"Oh not at all. When Sir Stephen visited us on his way to London several weeks ago he mentioned that it might be easier for you to not have to stay at the same places you were used to with Mr. Darcy and I was only sorry I had not considered that. He gave us the names of these inns and several other places to change horses if necessary. Elizabeth, have I done wrong? He seemed certain you would prefer to . . ."

"No, he was right. As usual, he was right. Thank you, to you and Charles for taking such good care of me I appreciate it. Now if you will excuse me I must . . . I forgot something in my room." Elizabeth excused herself as quickly as she could and sought the relative quiet and privacy of her room. The evidence that Stephen was still caring for her in such familiar ways brought comfort, confusion and hope that they could be what they once were. However; that thought did not cheer Elizabeth as she thought it would.

 **Day 420**

Her first view of her London home in nearly two years threatened to push Elizabeth toward the brink of suffocating grief very quickly. Glad she had insisted the Bingleys allow her to complete her homecoming on her own Elizabeth took one final moment in the carriage before indicated she was ready to withdraw. Taking a deep breath and making a determined effort to remain in the present she descended the steps of the carriage with the help of her footman keeping her head down. At least her physical strength was no longer a concern. Before she had time to take a breath or a moment to consider all of the times she had ascended these steps on William's arm, in Georgie's company, without the burdens she now bore the door was opening to her and she was being greeted by her staff.

"Lady Fitzwilliam," Carson, Darcy House's stately butler, greeted them as Mrs. Fitzgibbons came forward to take her outerwear.

"Welcome home." Mrs. Fitzgibbons said with a warmth absent from Carson's regal welcome. "May I express in person my condolences. Mr. Darcy was the very best of men and Miss Darcy . . . she was the sweetest girl."

Elizabeth's eyes stung at the heartfelt words of the dear woman whom she had come to know and trust over the years of her marriage. The housekeeper saw her mistress was close to tears at her words.

"Oh I am sorry." She rushed to say. "I did not mean to upset you. Here I am bringing up the past when you must be wishing to move forward and. . "

"No, Mrs. Fitzgibbons." Elizabeth assured her holding out her hands. "It is good to have the opportunity to console each other in person. And although Sir Stephen and I have many reasons for joy we still do feel the sorrow of our loss and your words bring comfort to know our loved ones are missed by those whom they also loved."

At these words Mrs. Fitzgibbons eyes teared up and she took Elizabeth's outstretched hands using them to pull the young woman into her arms for a firm embrace. The two women held each other for a brief moment and then quickly resumed their roles as mistress and servant.

"Would you like water brought to you in your room so that you may bath or would you prefer refreshments first?" Mrs. Fitzgibbons asked.

Elizabeth was feeling overwhelmed by the memories assaulting her as she began a perusal of her London home for the first time without her husband. She barely heard the questions being asked. Her attention was arrested by the painting of the Darcy family which hung over the fireplace at the edge of the entryway. She remembered when she had first seen it. But she kept herself in the present and examined the memory from a distance. She wanted to ask where Stephen was, wanted to go to him, but the pull of the past was strong and Elizabeth allowed herself to be drawn further into the house, into the memories.

Every step brought new memories of William and Georgiana. She passed rooms filled with them, paintings that had witnessed countless conversations conducted passing between rooms, furniture they had bought together even the carpet in the hallway.

" _What are you doing, my love?" William asked as he came up behind her wrapping his arms around her waist. "You seem to be staring rather intently at the new carpet? Have you come to regret your choice of color?"_

" _Of course not!" She declared indignantly attempting to wriggle out of her husband's arms. "The carpet is perfect. I am almost glad my little cousin tracked mud all over the old one."_

" _Then why do you stand here in the hallway staring at it as if trying to solve a riddle?"_

" _I am not attempting to solve a riddle." She told him. "I am wondering if it would be beneath the dignity of the Mistress of Pemberley, Darcy House, Ailech and various and sundry other properties to go around the house barefoot."_

" _I beg your pardon?" William laughed._

" _It is simply that while I was selecting the carpet I felt it, with my hands and it is impossibly soft. It seems such a waste that it lies here in all of the upstairs hallways and no one gets to feel it between their toes."_

 _William had released his hold on her and Elizabeth looked back to see what he was doing only to find him sitting on a nearby chair. When he began to undo the laces on his shoes she laughed._

" _Why, Mr. Darcy what are you about?"_

" _Why, Mrs. Darcy as is your custom you have tempted me beyond my ability to bear. I simply must feel this famous carpet between my toes."_

 _Mrs. Fitzgibbons found them an hour later barefoot walking up and down the hall exclaiming at the soft feel of the glorious new carpet._

Elizabeth smiled at the memory. It didn't choke her; it didn't panic her or overwhelm her with despair. It made her smile. Smile as she thought of how happy they had been. How happy they had made each other. The sorrow still felt fresh and sharp, but she could breathe even through the memories and that made her feel strong in a new way. Strong in her body, her heart and her mind. Not once in the past year had they all been strong at the same time.

Although she had wandered down the hall to her study Elizabeth had just determined to turn back and have some refreshments in her room before seeing Stephen, to restore her strength and equanimity, when she realized she had inadvertently found him, sitting at her desk. He didn't immediately perceive that he was not alone. Head bent in concentration, Elizabeth observed him from the open doorway without making her presence known.

He looked much as she remembered him and yet she felt he had changed. His sandy blond hair was longer than he used to keep it but no longer than it had been during those dark months of illness and recovery. She wondered what news the letter he held contained as he was running his free hand through his hair. He wore a dark expression which matched the dark blue jacket that stretched across his shoulders. Elizabeth was not able to observe any further as he looked up abruptly when the clock struck the hour. He looked first at the offending instrument and then presumably would have gone back to his letter but his eyes took a different route and this time passed her on their journey. They swept by her at first and then careened back quickly pinning her in place.

The look of wary uncertainty that crossed his features directly after the moment of recognition broke her heart. It also decided her.

"Stephen." She said standing still, not certain of her welcome.

He stood slowly and came out from behind the desk never taking his eyes from hers. Settling against it he watched her where she remained in the doorway and Elizabeth supposed he was, as always, waiting for a signal from her.

"I am sorry for how I have treated you." She said simply and was surprised at the tears she heard in her own voice.

"I do not require an apology, Elizabeth." His voice was even, almost cold.

If he wasn't waiting for an apology Elizabeth was even less certain about how to proceed than when this stilted conversation began.

"What do you require?" She asked, taking a step into the room.

"Honesty." His crystal blue gaze was unwavering.

"We have always been honest with one another." She said plaintively, believing this to be true.

"Have we?" Standing, he simply placed his hands in his pockets and dipped his chin, but she understood the invitation. He was asking her to examine her behavior and find this instance of dishonesty to which he referred. Elizabeth knew from his posture and his tone he was sure she would find it, but she could not. Though they had, of late, traversed through many troubled waters they had never lied to one another, of this she was certain.

"Yes we have." She answered without looking away.

"Am I to understand I was banished from Pemberley not because you felt guilty for the kiss we shared but because it was truly essential I rush to London to transfer stock shares and sign a deed which could have been mailed to you?"

She looked away, had not been expecting him to be so bold, so direct. There was honesty and then there was this.

"Elizabeth?"

He was right in front of her. She had not heard him move. As they stood less than two feet apart Elizabeth took a moment to drink in his presence after so long being separated. His hair, she had already noted, was askew. Dark blond pieces heading in several directions. A telltale sign he had been running his hands through it, a habit when he was worried or frustrated. His jacket was rumpled and he was in need of a shave. None of this spoiled the effect of his overall appearance. Quite the opposite. Stephen's looks had never been traditionally handsome. That is to say he did not look like everyone else who was considered handsome. He was unique and it took a second or third look to understand how attractive he was and if you did not understand it then it might perhaps have been because his looks had a sort of wildness to them that, Elizabeth believed, were enhanced when he looked less polished as he did now.

"I missed you." She said after the long moment of her perusal was over. It did not answer his question nor did it reflect accurately her thoughts of the last few moments but it was honest. Stephen's eyes softened and a smile tugged at his lips.

"And I you, but Elizabeth . . ."

He waited for a moment. She knew he wanted her to address what he had said. Answer his question, but she was not certain she was brave enough to address all of the reasons she had run from that moment. At least not yet.

"Perhaps it is best we leave it be." He paused, sighed quietly and then asked, "how was your journey?"

He was letting her avoid the question. He needed to know, but she needed to stay silent and so they moved on. Always, still, putting her needs above everything. That decided her. She must be strong in this as well.

"No, Stephen, can we sit?" Elizabeth said, taking a seat on the sofa and indicating the space next to her. He sat down and looked at her curiously. She took one of his hands into both of hers. It was a gesture that not so long ago would have been comforting and familiar. But now with the months of separation she had enforced on them it felt strange and unsure. Still, she held fast because whatever else lay between them she did always feel more herself, stronger when she was connected to him. He did not press her but simply looked at their joined hands with a furrowed brow and waited patiently for her to begin, his blue eyes bright with expectation and, she noted sadly, a certain amount of wariness.

"I was thinking just now of how handsome you are." She said.

"What?"

"Honesty, you wanted honesty. That is what I was thinking. I am not certain I ever told you that I find you quite handsome so I thought I should tell you."

He looked at her like she had lost her senses.

"However; that is not what you asked."

"No, it is not." He agreed, "but I thank you for the compliment." This sounded more like a question than a statement.

"It was the former."

"Excuse me?'

"The reason I . . the reason I strongly suggested you leave Pemberley was because I felt guilty, but it was not only that." This came out more breathlessly.

"Elizabeth, we do not need to . . "

"Yes we do." Knowing her distress was something that called up every protective instinct Stephen possessed Elizabeth pressed forward. She could not hide the fact that this conversation was distressing to her, but she could insist they have it regardless.

"You are the reason I am alive, Stephen." When he tried to interrupt she held up a hand to stop him. "But after you saved my life you also gave it back to me. It is because of you I have been able to grieve how I needed to - because you have been the strong one. You have done whatever it is I needed. You have not even made me ask for it at times. No, do not deny it." She insisted when Stephen made to interrupt again. "You supported me, pushed me when I resisted but required it, gave me everything and I . . . I did not consider you as you did me. Please, please accept my humblest apologies for how I treated you. Not just after . . . we kissed, but throughout. I acted so often as if I was the only one who had lost them. I leaned on you, relied on you and I so rarely allowed you to do the same. I banished you from your home, but what is I worse took advantage of you to alleviate my own predicament. Can you ever forgive me?"

The tears had begun halfway through Elizabeth's speech but as she finished they were flowing in earnest. She bowed her head and swiped at her cheeks.

"Of course I forgive you.' He said, his voice strained. A handkerchief was pressed into her hands. She looked up, embarrassed at her inability to stop crying. His eyes were soft and understanding. This only made her cry harder. She did not deserve his understanding. Her crimes against him were not only numerous there was one she could not take back even if she wanted to.

"Elizabeth, please you know I cannot abide your tears." He said with his most charming smile. "Have mercy on me, I beg you. I did not intend to upset you so . . ."

"Of course you did not." She replied, rousing herself. "You never would, even if I deserved it. Which I did. I certainly did, I do and so much more. Stephen, how could I have done such a thing?"

"It was not so very bad. I could have stopped you, but I felt it was for the best to give you time."

"Stephen, I am not referring only to my sending you from Pemberley."

"What do you mean?"

"I should not have forced you to marry me."

He laughed. A deep hearty belly laugh. One she had not heard in what felt like years. Although she was confused as to what caused it Elizabeth could not help but laugh in response to the joyful sound.

"Stephen, please be serious." She said once she composed herself, but he continued to chuckle quietly.

"I cannot." He insisted, but he reigned in his laughter and only continued to regard her with a broad smile.

"I do not know why you find my statement so very humorous."

'It simply conjured an image of you holding a dagger to my throat while Mr. Alden pronounced the rites." Here he did laugh again. "I would be quite at your mercy."

She could not quite share in his merriment even if the picture was comical.

"It may as well have been a dagger." She said.

He sobered instantly, hearing the regret in her voice.

"Elizabeth, we have canvassed this topic quite thoroughly. We did what we had to do, for you, for Pemberley, for Maggie.

"Precisely, to save me, to save Pemberley, to save your sister you sacrificed the one chance you had to marry for love. I took from you this from you and then I treated you miserably on top of that. I am not a worthy friend. I know this, but I would like to try and be one from now on."

"You did not take any thing . . . a friend?" He asked. "This is what you desire?" His voice was soft and earnest.

"Yes of course. I want to be a better friend to you than I have been. The kind of friend you have been to me."

"Elizabeth, you have always been good to me. You were simply acting out of grief and I would never hold that against you, but from your letters I had thought . . ."

He did not finish his sentence though she did not interrupt. They looked at one another and Elizabeth longed for him to tell her what he had thought of her letters. Why he had not answered her questions. Was he going to tell her now what he desired for them? She had been as plain as she dared, but the look of uncertainty in his eyes and his inability to finish his thought perhaps indicated her inexplicit overtures about their future had been insufficient and in truth she had not, still did not, know exactly what it was she wanted only that she longed for his company and no longer wanted to run from him.

"I had hoped we could . . ." he began again.

Mrs. Fitzgibbons chose that moment to arrive with refreshments.


	22. Chapter 22

It was not as though she intended to avoid the conversation Mrs. Fitzgibbons had interrupted in the study. After they thanked her for the refreshments and enjoyed some of their favorites Elizabeth had meant to ask Stephen to finish what he had begun to say prior to the intrusion. She both longed for and feared what his words might be. However; instead she found herself asking him about his activities since his last letter. She may not have intended to lose herself in his stories, but she did. He may have intended to bring them back to their previous discussion, but he did not. After an hour of pleasant conversation Elizabeth's head began to droop.

"You are exhausted." Stephen observed, gently touching her shoulder. "I am certain Mrs. Reynolds has not only prepared your room, but also has a bath waiting. Allow me to escort you."

He rose and helped her to her feet. Although she had not realized how tired she was until the last few minutes, Elizabeth now felt it deeply. His words were like music to her ears, a bed, a bath, but something else he said raised a question in her mind. A question she was too tired not to ask.

"Are you in the master suite, Stephen?"

As soon as the words were out she wished them back. They had sounded like an accusation and she had not meant them that way at all. She was simply confused. What was his place in this home? What was her place with him? What did she want it to be? When she went up to the mistress' rooms would there be a door between them or an entire wing? How would she feel if he was in William's rooms? How would she feel if he chose not occupy the master suite? What would that mean? Confusing.

They stood side by side, in front of the sofa. The silence stretched between them. Finally, Elizabeth looked up, no longer able to tolerate his lack of reaction. It was as she feared. In his eyes she saw the hurt her question had created. Oddly, she took comfort in the fact that he was not hiding it from her, not shielding her from the pain she had caused him.

"I did not mean that the way it sounded." She said, brown eyes pleading with blue to understand what she could not explain. He always understood.

He took a moment, looking at her, as if assessing her words and then he nodded and led them from the room, tucking her hand into his elbow.

"I understand." Elizabeth refrained from asking him to explain it to her because she certainly did not. "I am in the east wing." He said, referring to the guest wing where he had traditionally stayed when visiting Darcy House in the years of her marriage to William and indeed for many years before that.

Although she wanted to know why Elizabeth was not certain she was ready for the answer or the questions Stephen might ask her in return for answering it. They completed the rest of the journey to her rooms in silence.

"Rest well, Elizabeth." He said gently when they arrived at her door. She could hear Abigail moving about inside. Before he stepped away Elizabeth grabbed Stephen's hand, not entirely sure why. He looked down at their joined fingers then up at her. With his free hand he caressed her cheek. Elizabeth leaned into his touch. They may have stood that way for a moment or several hours, Elizabeth was never certain but she heard his voice near her ear.

"There will be time for us to speak of everything, for now you need to lie down before you fall down." There was a definite smile in his voice and although he was not wrong Elizabeth felt like she could stand there forever, in the quiet, calm shelter of his strength, his understanding. In that moment there were no questions, no puzzling comments she needed to explain or seek explanation for – there was only herself and Stephen.

"You are right, as always." She said, placing her hand over his where it still lay on her cheek.

When she was on the other side of the door she would blame her exhaustion, her confusion, her lack of balance for what she did next, but in truth it was a choice she made. When Stephen withdrew his hand Elizabeth leaned up on her toes, and pressed her lips to his. His response was immediate. One hand went to the small of her back and drew her gently against him while the other tangled itself in her hair. She sighed. He withdrew.

"Elizabeth."

It was a question, a petition, a plea. She was uncertain what he wanted or what he was asking. He pulled away.

"Good night, Elizabeth." She closed her eyes and searched for a way to explain herself and her impulsive action. When she opened them he was gone.

"Lady Fitzwilliam, you look as if you are overwarmed." Abigail said by way of greeting when Elizabeth entered her room a few minutes later, having stood by herself in the hallway for some time attempting to regain her composure. "I had Adam buildup the fire, but perhaps that was a mistake."

While her faithful friend set about fixing what she saw as the temperature problems of the room Elizabeth threw herself onto her bed and contemplated a much bigger problem. That kiss had revealed all her claims of confusion and uncertainty for what they were – pretenses. Elizabeth Anne Fitzwilliam was in fact in love with her husband and she had no idea if there was any chance he would ever return that sentiment. Moreover, she had no idea how one broached the subject of love with a dear friend whom one had married for convenience with the stated purpose of said marriage being well outside any kind of romantic affection. Elizabeth would do anything rather than jeopardize her friendship with Stephen or allow him to feel further obligated to her in any way. No, she decided as she finally settled into bed that evening, she would let his behavior be her guide. For once she would put his needs first, foremost and only in their relationship.

Elizabeth was surprised when she did not see Stephen at breakfast the next morning. Indeed, she did not see him at all for almost two days although she was kept apprised of his activities by the staff and by the notes he kindly left her on her desk letting her know when what was doing – meeting with an investor, dinner with a friend, fencing at the club – she missed his company and felt certain he was avoiding her.

Although Mrs. Fitzgibbons had everything running well and efficiently she was glad to have her mistress back to discuss several staffing and budget matters and Elizabeth was perversely glad to have several problems to deal with after their meeting which came on the second day of Stephen's absence. She took some account ledgers and a cup of chocolate to her study and did not emerge for several hours, problems solved, mind and heart effectively distracted.

That afternoon Elizabeth several hours reacquainting herself with her home. She welcomed the memories, allowed them free reign. She knew they would cause pain but would not overwhelm. They would hurt but not destroy. Finally, she could look at her past, at their past and remember without wanted to crawl back into what once was and fail to go on with what was now.

She sat in the library where she and William would read and sit together for hours. Perused his study where they conducted business, talking of their estates, investments and future plans. Passed through the dining room where they entertained. Sat and read a book in the parlor where she and Georgiana would receive guests. In the end she found herself in the music room where they played duets and Elizabeth learned to be a much better musician than she otherwise would have been. It was there that Stephen found her staring at the keys.

"What piece are you contemplating?"

Elizabeth startled at the voice from the doorway. She noted that Stephen was freshly shaved and dressed in formal evening attire, his dark blue coat setting off his light blue eyes.

"Nothing too complicated." Elizabeth answered. She did not want to refer to their kiss and yet confessions and promises bubbled to her lips. Perhaps if she opened the door he would understand what she wanted and tell her what he wanted.

"I find I am not as proficient as I wish to be. As much as I practice sometimes I am slow to learn and I make mistakes."

He looked at her for a long moment.

"Those of us who have been admitted to the pleasure of hearing of you would never hold your mistakes against you." He said, and her heart leapt at his words, but his eyes were sad and she could not feel as though he understood her like he always did. She wanted to say more, to risk more, but she remembered her promise to herself.

Stephen had moved further in to the room and taken a seat looking at her expectantly as if the conversation was about nothing other than music and perhaps for him it was.

Well, he asked precious little of her and if he wanted to hear whatever it was her nervous and distracted fingers could rend from the instrument then she would oblige. Closing her eyes, she attempted to recall to mind her favorite sonata. It seemed her head was not required. Her fingers danced across the keys with little direction from her mind. They apparently remembered what her consciousness had forgotten. Elizabeth, as she had done a hundred times over the years, gave herself over to the music. By the time she had finished both she and Stephen had tears in their eyes. They looked at each other for a moment before Stephen spoke.

"That was beautiful." He said as the last note hung in the air. "You have been practicing."

She laughed as she rose to come sit beside him. "Is that your way of saying my playing was simply atrocious before?"

"You have found me out." His smile, which always had the ability to light up rooms now had the ability to wreak a special kind of havoc on Elizabeth herself. The way his eyes became lighter and the corners crinkled. The way the right side of his mouth stayed lifted even when he gave up the full smile.

"Elizabeth?" He sounded a little worried.

"Yes?"

"Did you not hear me? You look as though you have not been attending to what I have been saying and I am concerned that I have turned into a bore in my old age."

Elizabeth turned away in embarrassment. Stephen had, apparently, been speaking to her while she allowed herself to be carried away with his smile.

"I apologize. My mind wandered for a moment." This was true. "The fault was not yours." This was not entirely true.

"I asked if you had heard Maggie's news."

"Oh yes!" Elizabeth declared. All thoughts of her own concerns vanishing in light of her happiness for Stephen's sister. "I could not be more delighted that she has finally accepted Mr. Smith. I assume you have no issue with their marrying without your father's consent?"

"None whatsoever." Stephen confirmed. "I am only concerned about possible ways the earl will attempt to express his displeasure."

"You have a plan." Elizabeth guessed.

"I was hoping you would not object to their journeying to Ailech," Stephen said, referring to the Darcy estate in Scotland. "I do not think even in his anger the earl would rouse himself so far as to follow them that far north when all he could do in the end is rant and rave."

"An excellent idea. Of course, I do not object. Shall I write Maggie to suggest they make their wedding journey there or would you prefer to do it?"

"I will leave it to you. She may be more amendable to the idea if it comes from you. If I suggest it it will be more transparent as an attempt to get her away from our father. From you it will sound more like a a delightful suggestion."

"And why is that?" She asked with a laugh.

"You can make anything delightful, Elizabeth." With that she was in danger of being distracted once again.

"Well thank you for that. Do they plan on informing your father before they wed?" She asked with a concerted effort at staying on task.

"I have urged her not to and I believe she understands the need for secrecy. Although he has no legal right to stop her that may not prevent him from exerting other forms of persuasion including physical."

Elizabeth shuddered at the thought. Before she went to bed that evening she wrote a letter to Maggie gently seconding Stephen's advice that the earl not be told of the impending marriage and offering the use of the Darcy estate in Scotland as a place for the happy couple to spend as much time as they chose after the wedding.

The next morning Elizabeth was again alone at breakfast. Her disappointment was palpable. Was Stephen going to avoid her for another two days? But after only a few moments he appeared in the doorway. At the sight of him her heart jumped.

"Good morning." They both said at the same time. Elizabeth smiled and then laughed at her own foolishness. She had never felt self-conscious around him and did not know how to press aside the emotion and appear as she had formerly.

"Elizabeth, I have received a note from an old family friend, the Earl of Langley." Stephen said after filling his plate and taking a seat beside her.

"Family friend?" Elizabeth asked with concern.

"The good side." He said with his most charming smile. "The Earl of Langley and his wife were very close with my mother since she first became a countess. She credited Countess Langley with making her transition in to the highest circles of society so successful. They were great friends for thirty years. Lord Langley is someone who I greatly admire. I have been close with their children at different times in life as well."

"Very well, Stephen you have convinced me of the worthiness of the Langley family, but to what end?" She said with a smile.

"They have requested the honor of throwing us a ball to celebrate our marriage and I hoped we could accept." His words were tentative, his smile wary.

"Stephen, of course we will accept." She said quickly. "We have arrived at a poor place indeed if you feel you need to work so hard to convince me to agree to something you clearly want very badly and is no hardship at all for me to consent to. Truly, do you find me so very terrible." She tried to sound lighthearted, but she was hurt that it might be true.

"It is not that at all. I was, am simply not certain you are ready for such a public display. and I wanted you to know these people are dear friedns and can be trusted and . . . I did not know how much entertaining you did at Pmeberley . . . you did not mention anything beyond a few visits. You may have attended balls I do not know . . ."

Of course he did not know because she had sent him away. Of course his councern was for her. Of course even when she vowed to put him first she was misjudging him. How could she ever expect him to love her?

"Stephen, I am sorry. I should not have questioned your motives. You did not deserve that." Her words came out with more force than she intended, she was truly angry at herself.

"Elizabeth, we can always talk about whatever concerns you." He said quickly, then added softly. "We can talk about anything you would like to talk about."

Her heart raced. Could he be referring to their aborted conversation from the day she arrived? Could she even now tell him what was in her heart? He regraded her evenly, no longing in his eyes, no hope, no wariness either. In the end Elizabeth told herself it was not cowardice but her promise that kept her silent. His feelinsg must lead the way and she was far from discerning what those were.

"Thank you, Stephen and please thank the Langleys for the prospect of a ball. I look forward to it."

Thank you, Elizabeth. I will write them directly. They intend to invite whoever of your family will be in town of course."

"Wonderful. I very much look forward both to meeting this illustrious and virtuous family and having the pleasure of dancing with you, husband." She smiled at him and he held her eyes for a moment before answering.

"They have requested that the event take place within a sennight. Will that be enough time to have a new gown made?"

"A new gown? Stephen, I have at least a dozen ball gowns that should be appropriate for the occasion. Or are you worried I will not be fine enough for your aristocratic friends?" She teased. He laughed and apologized for not realizing the extent of her wardrobe.

That evening as Abigail helped Elizabeth prepare for bed she thought about Stephen in the east wing. She wondered if he would ever feel comfortable in the master suites of their homes or if she would feel comfortable with him there. Was he waiting for her to ask him? What would that signify if she did?

In the morning as she pored over documents and letters connected to some of the Darcy shipping holdings visitors were announced.

"Jane, Kitty." Elizabeth exclaimed as she was engulfed by both women immediately upon entering the room. "What a pleasant surprise. I did not know you were coming to town so soon, Kitty."

"We wanted to surprise you." Jane said.

"And now that I am here I will be certain you join us on all manner of outings to the theater, the museums, parties, balls . . ."

"Kitty, please." Jane scolded gently casting a nervous eye at Elizabeth.

"Jane, you needn't fear I will resort to my former self." She reassured them both. "I know it has been hard for both of you this year to . . ."

"Lizzy, of course the hardship of this year has been yours entirely. Jane and I only want to assure ourselves that we are offering you all the support you need. That we are here for whatever you should require. Be assured that is why we are here. "

"Truly, we will not force you to do anything you are not ready for." Jane rushed to explain.

Elizabeth thanked her sisters for their assurances and their determination to see to her enjoyment of the season. She also assured them she was not adverse to entertainment. They were excied to attend the Langelys ball. According to Kitty, who was a countess herself now, they were part of the very first circles.

"It is quite an hour to be feted by them." She declared.

Elizabeth did not care so much about the honor as she did about the happiness it seemed to bring Stephen. They were clearly important to him.

The hour flew by. Kitty had many stories to share of her adventures on the continent. They had occurred over six months prior but Elizabeth had previously been in no state to listen. Now she was fascinated by all of the places Kitty had seen. So many similar to those she herself had toured when she and William had visited Paris, Vienna and Brussels.

"Did you not know we stayed at your villa while we were in Rome?"

"No." Elizabeth vaguely recalled hearing something about this either in a letter from her father or perhaps from her Aunt on her second visit to Pemberley.

"Sir Stephen asked John if we would mind checking on the estate and the vineyard. Of course we did not as it came with such lavish accommodations. I must say while Mama thinks I outdid you all with my titled husband having seen just two of your three estates, Lizzy . . "

Kitty stopped suddenly as she realized what she had been saying.

"Oh, Elizabeth I am so sorry. I did not mean. It is only that when I was thinking of when John first proposed and how you teased that Mama would declare me the winner of the matrimony race. I was not thinking."

Seeing her sister so distressed, tears gathering in her eyes over her inadvertently thoughtless comments Elizabeth rushed to reassure her.

"Kitty, I understand. I know you would never say or do anything to intentionally hurt me."

"But that is not enough. I should not unintentionally be hurting you either." Kitty responded hopelessly. "Will I ever learn?"

"Kitty, you have not hurt me really. In the past few months I have begun turning a corner in my grief and find myself much more able to look on the past without being so pained by it. I recall those silly conversations we had with pleasure. I recall recounting them to William. I remember he pretended resentment at being demoted from most prized son in law. He said he would find comfort in knowing that at least he would always hold pride of place above Mr. Wickham."

The sisters laughed together and Elizabeth saw that Kitty believed her that she was not truly wounded. What's more, she was telling the truth. In fact, before Kitty's horror at her own words Elizabeth's first thought had been that Kitty had miscalculated. Elizabeth had been ready to tease that her sister had forgotten an estate. With Stephen's Maplehurst she now boasted four estates. Her initial look of shock at Kitty's apology was likely due to the fact that she was not thinking at all what Kitty apparently assumed she would be and a lingering guilt that perhaps she should have been.

Mrs. Fitzgibbons interrupted Jane's story of little Lizzy's latest accomplishments to announce Kitty's carriage had come to fetch her.

"It seems the Earl can't do without you for long." Jane teased as Kitty eagerly rose.

"And vice versa." Elizabeth added with a smile.

"I promised I would only be gone a few hours." Kitty told them. "But you will both come to tea soon?"

They all agreed and Kitty rushed off with such alacrity that her sisters did not stop teasing until she was out the door.

"Do you need to leave as well Jane?"

"No, Lizzy." Jane answered resuming her seat. "Charles had business to attend and Lizzy and little Charlie are with Aunt Madeline for an outing with the cousins."

"I am delighted we can visit longer."

Just then Stephen appeared in the doorway.

"Mrs. Bingley, I was told you and Elizabeth were visiting and while I must apologize for interrupting I could not stop myself from paying my regards and gazing upon your loveliness if only for a moment." He bowed over her hand as Jane smiled indulgently.

"I had forgotten what it feels like to be on the receiving end of one of your gallant speeches." She told him. "And we would be delighted if you would grace us with your presence for more than just a moment. It has been too long since I have seen you. The last time I was at Pemberley you were gone. Attending to matters at Maplehurst I believe and then you were unable to join us at Christmas."

If Elizabeth didn't know her kind and benevolent sister so well she would swear she heard a note of derision in her voice surrounding that final statement. Stephen's raised brow indicated that perhaps he heard it as well.

"Yes, Stephen has been so kind as to handle matters here in London for me over the course of the past few months. I am very grateful." Elizabeth said glancing at Stephen who did not seem put out by Jane's near-accusations.

"I endeavor to be wherever Elizabeth needs me to be." He said with a smile and it the truth - Elizabeth felt a fresh wave of guilt.

The conversation progressed from there and the threesome canvassed the expected topics. The Bingley's children, Pemberley's continued recovery both from the epidemic and the unusually destructive winter, the Bennet family and plans for their mutual stay in London. Stephen's conversational skills were not legendary for nothing. He could turn a simple story into a grand tale. And when he listened he made the speaker feel as if their words were all that mattered to him in that moment. As he sat raptly attending to Jane's account of young Charles' latest attempts at riding Elizabeth thought about Stephen's ability to put his companions so at ease and how it had been one of the first things she admired about him.

Shortly thereafter Stephen excused himself to attend to some business and the sisters were left to themselves once again.

"Elizabeth, you must tell me what is going on?"

Jane's serious tone alerted Elizabeth to the fact that her sister was in some distress but she had no idea what the problem might be. Before Stephen's departure they had all been speaking quite amicably. Well, mostly Stephen and Jane had been speaking but there had been no cause for concern in anything that was said.

"Jane, I am not certain I understand you."

"Elizabeth, you and I were each other's closest confidants for twenty years before we married. I understand now that we are wives our first loyalty must be to our husbands but that does not prevent me from desiring to help nor can it stop me from seeing that something is wrong. But of course, I would never force a confidence."

"Sister, I am afraid I have not the pleasure of understanding you. What is it you think is wrong?"

"You and Stephen."

Of course her sister would see that her marriage was not what it should be, but Elizabeth did not expect Jane to be so bold in her questioning. Perhaps she felt that now that Elizabeth was recovered she was up to being cross examined more thoroughly.

"What is it you think is wrong with my marriage?" She said with a nervous laugh. What had Jane observed?

"Oh, Elizabeth I was here in the room just now with the two of you. Do not pretend with me. The way you looked at him."

Now Elizabeth was truly alarmed.

"How did I look at him?" She demanded.

"Do you really not know?" Jane asked, but when Elizabeth remained silently expectant she answered. "Your eyes were always on him with a look of such longing. Honestly, Elizabeth I was almost blushing it was so blatant."

Certain that she had in fact been caught in doing just what Jane was accusing her of and equally certain her sister would not tolerate any prevarication Elizabeth tried a different tack.

"Why should I not look at my husband with longing, Jane. Do you not long for Mr. Bingley even now?" She teased.

"Indeed," Jane answered with only a slight blush. "The difference however is that when we are together I doubt my look is one of longing. One does not have to long for something or someone one has. You look at your husband as if you desire him but are not secure in his affection."

"Did Stephen notice?" Elizabeth was suddenly panicked at the thought of Stephen seeing her gazing at him like a silly little girl.

"Unless he is blind, yes I am sure he noticed." Jane teased, but noting Elizabeth's rising color she seemed to rethink her answer. "Are you trying to hide your feelings from him? What is going on, Lizzy? I know you and Stephen were not in love when you married. Or I know you did not love him, but you two have always been the best of friends . . ."

"Wait, Jane what do you mean I did not love him?" Elizabeth asked noting Jane's careful phrasing.

"Elizabeth, am I to be the only one conveying information in this conversation?" Jane sighed.

"Jane, I do apologize. I hardly know what to think or feel myself. Would you please share with me what you think you saw and more than that what you think you know.

"Very well." Jane acquiesced as she most often did. "What is it you would like to know?"

"What makes you think I did not love Stephen when we were married?"

"When we visited shortly afterwards you were still grieving and I could not understand what had prompted you to do it." She held up her hand when Elizabeth moved to explain. "If you had intended to confide your reasons in me you would have already done so. I only meant that it was obvious you had reasons other than a great change in feelings."

Not entirely surprised that her sister was so able to read her feelings Elizabeth imagined others would not be either as interested or concerned by the apparent lack of affection. A wealthy widow remarrying was a common occurrence in her social circle and love and affection rarely played a part.

"And what did you observe about Stephen's feelings for me?"

"Elizabeth, I am not entirely certain I should be the one to tell you how your husband feels about you."

"You had no qualms about telling me how I feel about him." Elizabeth declared half in jest half in exasperation.

"That is only because I am concerned that due to your great love for Fitzwilliam and the loss you will likely always feel at his passing you cannot see that you have developed real affection for someone else."

"Very well, but why are you so sparing with the details on what you believe to be my husband's feelings?" Elizabeth asked. "And why the smile?"

"It is only that today is the first time I have heard you call him your husband. In your letters and on my visits he was still Stephen or Sir Stephen to you."

Elizabeth smiled at her sister's astute observations. People so often underestimated Jane. She was quiet and unfailingly kind. Wanted always to see the best in people, but she was also very aware of those she loved, of their feelings, and that made her an excellent source of information just now.

"Since we have established that he is my husband perhaps you would be so kind as to share your reflections? You are not betraying any confidences, Jane. Only telling what you have seen and think."

"Although I do not feel quite right about it I do want to help the two of you discover what is right in front of you." When her sister raised her eyebrow expectantly Jane continued, "I will only say that Stephen looks at you now as he always has."

"That is not helpful. Stephen has only ever been my friend. If he looks at me as he always has then I do not understand how you seem to be implying that he harbors romantic affection for me." Now Elizabeth's exasperation was clear.

"Unless he always has." Jane said simply. With that she rose indicating her intention to leave.

Elizabeth tried to get her sister to say more, but Jane would not be moved. As they fare welled each other in the entryway Stephen emerged from down the hall.

"Mrs. Bingley, will you not stay for dinner?" He asked coming to stand beside Elizabeth.

"Stephen, how many times must I insist you call me Jane? And no I am sorry but I am afraid Charles will be home by now and we must collect the children."

With Jane gone Elizabeth felt awkward once again with Stephen. She wanted to recover the easy friendship they once enjoyed, but was afraid if she did that was all they would ever have. Before she could decide what to say Stephen took the choice out of her hands.

"I must apologize, but I have business to attend to and will once again be away for dinner and likely late into the evening."

"But you just invited Jane to stay." Elizabeth protested.

"I know and I would have pushed off my affairs to dine with you and your sister, but as she could not stay . ."

He left the implication hanging, but it was obvious – there was no need to stay. Elizabeth thought about leaving it. About letting him go and saving her pride but she opted for honesty.

"So you would make time for Jane, but not your wife?"

"My wife?" Stephen asked. "Are we having this conversation again, Elizabeth?

"Did we have it before, Stephen?"

"You seem to want to say something, but then do not which is unlike you. Elizabeth, what is it you desire?"

Was it that simple? He had asked. Could she not just answer? Disliking her own cowardice even as she did it Elizabeth chose a half measure.

"Could we talk about this somewhere other than our vestibule?" She asked.

"Certainly where would you like to speak?" He asked and Elizabeth sensed more in the question than simply geography. Realizing that he might feel that like Pemberley the London house held rooms she did not wish to frequent yet, Elizabeth sought to set his mind at ease.

"We could use the main study."

Stephen's surprise was apparent and Elizabeth was pleased that she had demonstrated through suggesting the use of William's study that all the rooms were open to them and thus him.

Once inside Elizabeth lost no time in stating her thoughts.

"Stephen, I am sorry . . . this is difficult, but "

"Elizabeth, please let us not waste time on more apologies."

"You used to call me Lizzy." She interrupted.

"That is true." He smiled. "Darcy did not always appreciate the nickname."

"I did not know that."

"Nevertheless, Lizzy" he said pointedly. "I do not want you apologizing again. I am not certain what perceived wrong you were about to canvass, but I can guess. What we had to do, the marriage while we were both still grieving for those we loved most in this world makes things difficult. It is hard to know how to proceed, but we can find a way."

There it was again. The clear statement that he had married her only to protect her and his sister. What other proof did she need? Of course, Jane would want to see her sister's husband in love with his wife. Especially when she knew Elizabeth to be in love with him. She would not further burden him with her feelings. He had made himself clear. He stayed away from Pemberley. He chose the east wing. He repeatedly reminded her of why they married.

"Elizabeth," Stephen's voice pulled her from her spinning thoughts. "I know we have been dancing around this for some time and you may think I have been avoiding the conversation, but not for the reasons you might presume." He had stepped closer to her.

"Stephen, you don't need to explain. I know what this is." She motioned between them.

"I wonder if you do." He smiled. "It is simply difficult for me to . . . there are things I cannot . . ."

Elizabeth was beyond embarrassed at this point. Jane's statement that he must have seen the way she looked at him rang in her ears.

"You are my dearest friend. I will never allow that to change. You know I will always love you . . . like a brother." She said and was horrified to hear the break in her voice.

"Like a brother?" His tone was doubtful and Elizabeth knew she had betrayed her feelings. She grasped at something to redirect the conversation.

"Stephen, it was never my intention to make you uncomfortable. Please know that I know I have not always been the best of friends to you, but I am trying."

"To be my friend?" Stephen said slowly.

She nodded because in that moment she was completely incapable of uttering another word that did not include her true feelings. He was too close, his eyes too watchful, his scent too heady. When she had turned away and found a space that was not full of him, taken a breath that did not smell like him she looked at the wall and spoke.

"Now, I think you had business from home?"

"That is true." He agreed. "Perhaps tomorrow we could take a turn about the park?"

"Perhaps." Elizabeth said uncertain how far she could trust herself to maintain her façade of indifference in his company.


	23. Chapter 23

**Two days in a row! I am really trying to make my long delays up to you - and its my longest chapter yet. So please don't get too mad if it doesn't go the way you** **want - insert grimace emoji. I may even post again today. I am on vacation so a little more free time plus I am at my favorite part! Thanks as always for reading, following, favorting and reviewing. It really is so wonderful to know I am creating something that is entertaining someone somewhere!**

The morning after her near confession to Stephen Elizabeth found herself once again in William's study. She had decided to begin to sort through William's belongings. She knew it would not be nearly so difficult as anything at Pemberley as her husband had not kept many things of personal value or sentimentality in London due to the fact that they spent so little time there.

After about an hour or so of nothing but business papers that were sorted into piles of either being outdated and no longer necessary, to those she would discuss with the solicitor or moved to the safe Elizabeth was tired and missing William. Seeing his name over and over again on all of his papers, reading his neat, precise scrawl, remembering so many of the matters that were detailed in his letters brought him back in new ways. She rang for tea and after thanking Mrs. Fitzgibbons for also bringing her favorite lemon bars she sat down to re-read her letter from William for the first time. After doing so she realized she had never looked at the small object in the envelope. It was a little stone, flat, grey but with flecks of pink and gold. It did not make any sense as to why it was in this envelope with her letter because she knew this strange stone, it evoked a memory of a day during their first season in London. A memory about a conversation with William, about Stephen.

" _Are all one-hundred of your purchases put away, my love." William teased, stepping in to the room. "May we now break for tea and cakes?"_

" _It was not quite that many hundred." She rejoined, "and I am done. Also, look what I have discovered. I think little Edward must have hidden it here last week."_

 _She held the small rock up for his inspection._

" _Where did you find that?"_

" _Behind some books which I had to move to make space. You look as though you are familiar with it?"_

" _I am. It is or rather it was. Stephen's. He gave it to me before he left for the continent." William had taken the rock from her and was examining it closely._

" _It belonged to him. He gave it to me." He was silent for a long time. Elizabeth took his free hand._

" _I know you worry for him. We all do. I pray he returns safely. There has been no word?"_

" _No, nothing. I have asked the Earl to use his contacts at the War Office to inquire after his unit, but he has not been able to learn anything either. Taking on such a dangerous assignment after volunteering for the war in the first place. He is a foolish man."_

" _William, I do not know your cousin well of course. But from what little I do know and all I have learned from your family he is anything but that."_

" _True, I am only worried and feeling responsible I suppose."_

" _For his rock?" She asked. Partly out of curiosity and partly to try and coax William from the serious mood he seemed determine to court._

" _No, I . . . in a way." He said with a s small laugh. "With him in so much danger and us unable to get knowledge of him I am just thinking more of our past and of the way in which I handled things between us. This is just a reminder of something that passed between us. Something of which I am not proud."_

" _Then let us talk of other things."_

The following day was spent primarily in unpacking and reopening a house whose many rooms had long been closed. The knocker had been placed on the door, but Elizabeth's presence in town was still not generally known so only a few visitors came by, including Mrs. Gardiner who was, of course, more than welcome. Unfortunately, her visit coincided with several others so Elizabeth was not able to pull her aunt aside to solicit her advice on her current predicament – being in love with her husband, uncertain of his feelings and entirely unsure as to how to share her own without creating an obligation on his part if he did not return said feelings. Perhaps, if she had been able to find that moment the events of the next few days would have gone very differently. But she did not.

It wasn't until the next morning that Elizabeth mentioned the rock to Stephen. Stephen had just suggested they take their walk in the afternoon walk when she decided to bring it up.

"When I reread my letter from William yesterday I realized he had included something in my envelope. Something I was told belongs to you." She told him, her voice still catching on William's name.

"Indeed, what is that?" His surprise was evident.

"I think it is best I show you and I will, but Stephen I must know – have you read your letter?" She was fairly certain she knew the answer, but she could not help, but press him. Her own letter had brought her such comfort.

He hesitated then confessed. "I have not."

"Why?"

He looked at her, his eyes filled with what she could only describe as despair, then he looked down at his hands, now clenched into fists.

"He was my brother, Elizabeth. In all but name. There was nothing that I needed that Darcy did not provide. He supported me in all things. He was the best of men and I could not . . . I could not help him when he most needed it. I know what his letter will say. I know what he will absolve me of . . .what he will tell me to do . . .indeed I have already done it. I do not think I can bear his goodness . . . when I let him down so spectacularly. I do not deserve his kindness, not one last time. I could not bear it."

Although she did not understand all of Stephen's words she now knew the depths of the guilt he had been bearing. The pain in his voice was like a physical blow to her. She had never heard him speak in such a way. Moving to kneel in front of him, Elizabeth took his hands in hers.

"Oh, Stephen." She let her own tears fall even as he tried to hold his back. "You cannot take on their deaths. It is too much. We could not have prevented them. As wise and strong and capable as you are you could not have stopped that fever. We did all we could. You did all you could."

Still he would not look at her. She reached up and took his face in her hands.

"You saved me." She said softly, "At the time I was not certain I could go on, did not want to, but you made me and now I am so thankful you did."

Finally, it seemed the dam broke. Stephen reached down and pulled Elizabeth into his arms. She settled on his lap and he wept quietly, burying his face in her hair, every once and a while murmuring her name. They stayed that way for a long time until finally Stephen lifted his head.

"I do not deserve you." His voice was steady and faintly teasing.

"Well deserve or not, I am afraid you are stuck with me." She said with a smile, trying not to consider how true her words could be.

"Thank you, Elizabeth." He placed his hand on her cheek and Elizabeth's breath caught as she imagined he might kiss her, but he simply said, "now my curiosity is at its peak and I must see this item which belongs to me that Darcy gave you."

"Of course." Elizabeth said, rising awkwardly and trying not let her disappointment show.

They walked to the study in silence. Once inside she closed the door and went to retrieve the rock from the desk. After taking a deep breath she held it out and related the story she remembered from the night before.

Stephen took it from her as she spoke. It was small and light. He weighed it from one hand to another several times.

"Did he tell you where it came from?" Stephen asked with a gravity she did not quite understand, transferring his gaze back and forth from the rock to her.

"No, only what I told you so perhaps you will enlighten me as to its history? Was it perhaps present at the Battle of Bosworth Field?" She teased.

"No, nothing quite so dramatic. But I am . . . I am surprised to know that he . . . I am sorry if it pains you to speak of it, but I am surprised he kept it and that he included it in your letter. It was . . . I thought it would have been a reminder of a difficult time." He placed the rock on the table by the fireplace.

"It seemed only to serve as a reminder him that you were currently in danger. You had been on the continent for only a month at the time and we had just learned that you had volunteered for a clandestine assignment and we would not be able to reach you for a while. William seemed regretful about some disagreement the two of you had had." She clarified, more curious than ever about what this stone meant between the two men. As the silence lengthened she assumed Stephen was lost in memories as she so often had been over the course of this past year and determined to leave him to his thoughts.

With hours to herself until the time they had appointed for their walk Elizabeth wanted so much to be able to understand her husband. Understand his heart. She thought of how she might do it, though she did not like the method she came up with.

"Abigail would you fetch me the green letter box I brought from Pemberley?" She asked her maid who had just helped her change out of her morning gown. When it was brought to her she took it out to the garden, sat on a bench and removed the contents.

It came down to this. Ever since she had known that Stephen had fallen in love years ago a part of her wondered if it could have been her. When she was married to William she did not want to know for certain because of course that would have been awful. For her, for him, for William. If it was true William and Stephen must have spoken of it. But she did not need to know. Now, when she considered it and the one fact that had removed her from consideration– Stephen's belief that the woman he loved had only ever looked on him as a brother – she wondered if perhaps she had been less revealing during their time together at Rosings than she had previously believed. Maybe he did not know she was developing an affection for him. Perhaps he was not warning her away when he spoke of his need to marry for fortune but merely stating his own reality. If this was true, if she was the one he had loved this whole time she would be free. Free to love him without reserve. She would not have robbed him of his chance at happiness she could be that chance. Here in these letters she might find the clue to the truth. She held out hope, but also knew she could discover another less comforting truth. With a sigh of resignation she picked up the first letter. It was dated a month before he left for the continent. He was stationed with his regiment at the coast before they endured a nearly year long silence from him due to his clandestine assignment behind enemy lines.

September 12, 1812

 **Darcy –**

 **I wish you would reconcile yourself to my destiny and enjoy your own. You have a happy life set before you. Do not lose yourself in regrets on my behalf. I am resigned as you well know. LL is lost to me and there is no one I blame. I meant every word I said at our last meeting and probably not above half the time before that. She is to marry a good man. A good man, Darcy. And I love her enough, I hope, to wish her nothing, but happiness in the life she has chosen. I have no interest in confessions or delay. I fully believe these would only hurt the lady and it is her interest we must look to first not our own. It is done and I will not undo it.**

Elizabeth hardly knew what she read after that. There were words to be passed on the Georgiana and information about where he expected to be stationed on the continent as well as directions about where to direct future correspondence.

 **I know your wedding is to take place any day now. I wish you well. Lord knows we all despaired of that day ever coming. You are a brother to me. Your happiness is my own. If the Lord allows me to return I hope I will be welcomed at Pemberley by you and your wife. I look forward to besting you in a race on a fine summer day. The prospect will no doubt see me through the difficult times that lay ahead.**

 **Yours Ever,**

 **Colonel Stephen Andrew Fitzwilliam,**

The danger Stephen faced seemed so real and palpable Elizabeth had to remind herself that he did return. This brought her back to the true discovery in the letter. LL. The initials of the woman who had truly captured her husband's heart. It was not her. It never had been. She did not know how fully she had come to hope that it was until this moment. This moment where she knew she had married a man she did not love who did not love her, but who she was now desperately in love with. Who could never fall in love with her. To him she was like Georgiana.

For better or worse she was not allowed to dwell on her question and revelations much longer as Abigail entered with a gown in hand. She hastily returned the letter to the box, swiped at the tears she had not realized were on her cheeks and rose to greet her eager maid.

"I thought this would be perfect for the ball." She declared.

"I do not recall this dress." Elizabeth said as she looked it over. It was exquisite. A delicate cream color embroidered with tiny rosettes all along the bodice and full skirt. It seemed fit for spring. The sleeves were cupped and the neckline daring enough to be noticed but certainly not scandalous. The skirt was full and Abigail held a pair of matching dancing slippers which were embroidered just like the dress.

"You and Mrs. Bingley visited Madame Thibealt's just before you left London the last time. You had picked this design out of a magazine." Abigail reminded her.

"Yes, I do recall. It was entirely frivolous on my part as I had no occasion to wear it and of course both the fabric and the color are too impractical for winters in the North but I thought it might do for a formal occasion when we were next in town."

She allowed the sadness to settle in then. The thought that of course she had meant to wear this dress on William's arm. As his wife. It lingered but did not pierce. She missed him and knew that she always would. Knowing he would want her to be happy helped, but it did not erase the ache entirely. Nothing could. Nor could she entirely forgive herself for falling in love with someone else. But the guilt did not make the love any less real and she did know, because he had told her, that William wanted her to love again. Of course, he probably imagined her being loved in return, but that could not be helped.

"I did manage to procure an exquisite ermine wrap which will allow it to be the perfect thing for the season. Shall we try it on and see what alterations are necessary?" Abigail asked.

An hour later Abigail had pinned the dress in several places noting that her mistress needed to pay more attention to her meals and stop losing weight as she did not want to be taking in any more dresses. Elizabeth promised to do her best.

"Elizabeth," Stephen's booming voice greeted her as she descended the stairs. "Our walk, you appear ready?"

It was true she had intended to walk as fresh air and exercise always helped to clear her head, but she had forgotten that Stephen had suggested they walk together. He looked so eager, but she could not bear his company just now with the revelations of his letter ringing in her mind.

"I am sorry I had forgotten about your suggestion. I had intended to take luncheon just now." She lied. "Indeed, I promised Abigail I would not neglect my meals. It seems she tires of taking in my gowns."

"Elizabeth, are you unwell?" He asked.

"No, nothing like that. I think this past year I just got used to eating so little I am not yet in the habit of taking the normal amount of food." She told him and noted he was watching her closely.

"Well then let us eat and then we can take a turn or two about the park before we must be off to Mr. Colton's office."

"Is that today?" Elizabeth had forgotten they had scheduled an appointment with a solicitor to discuss the acquisition of some additional shares of a shipping company her uncle Gardiner hadrecommended.

"It is." Stephen confirmed.

"And you are certain you do not mind going with me?" She asked as they entered the dining room, hoping somehow to free herself of his company. Stephen helped her in to her seat and then took his own.

"Elizabeth, must we do this again. Although when we married I promised I would never interfere with your running of the estates and investments I never meant for you to think that I would ever consider it a burden to join you in doing so should you desire it. Indeed, you should know I consider all that I have, meager as it is, yours. And should you wish it I would work with you as if Pemberley and all the rest were ours together."

"As if?" she asked. It would be so easy to fall in to his bright blue eyes now regarding her with what appeared to be some deep question. To forget LL and imagine a thousand days like this, planning life with her husband over a midday meal. But how could he forget her now when he hadn't for so long? Simply because circumstances forced his hand, her circumstances, her plan forced his hand. She tried not to wonder.

"I only mean that I will never do anything you do not want me to." He clarified. "Pemberley is more than just your home. You and Darcy had a vision for its future. It was your dream together and I do not intend to force myself where I am not wanted.

It was so confusing. When he said things like that it was if it was not LL, but she herself that was preventing him from all of it - from occupying any of the rooms that had been William's? From her? From being the master of their homes? It was as if there were two Stephens – the one she was married to, who seemed at almost every turn to offer some hint of caring for her beyond the friendship they had always shared. But then there was the Stephen she had always known. The one who had been in love with someone else since before she had married William and this someone now had a name, or at least initials. She could not dismiss this knowledge. Could not allow her heart to hope, but she could address what Stephen had said. She thought for a moment about how best to explain to him how she felt about his being in her life without confessing feelings he could not return.

"Stephen, I understand and appreciate what you are saying. But I think we must find a way through that. Even now, talking of him makes it feel like he is still a part of our lives. In a way, I think he always will be. I know before you had to push me on that but I understand better now. We can remember them together, share the memories. Keep them with us. But they are not here, he is not here and although that is painful it is true. Unless we choose to live separately," here she paused and looked up at him giving him a chance to state his desires. He remained silent and so she pressed on, " unless we choose to live separately we will need . . ."

"Elizabeth, I would never choose to live apart from you." He said almost harshly. "Is that what you think I have been doing these past few months. Is that what Jane thought yesterday? Is that why your sweet sister nearly reprimanded me for not being there for you?"

"Stephen, "Elizabeth tried to interrupt, but it would seem the easy-going man she generally interacted with was absent just now.

"No, Elizabeth there is much to clarify between us, but frankly only one of us is certain of their desires for the present and the future and I do not think it right to make promises and plans that cannot be kept." He took a breath as if to calm himself. "For now might I suggest we simply enjoy our time in London, visiting friends, going to museums and the theater and when we are ready we will revisit the issue."

To Elizabeth this was certainly a welcome plan. Perhaps after some time Stephen would grow to care for her in a way that would allow him to enjoy and not resent their marriage. Or he would forget about the need to discuss things at all and they could avoid the awkward conversation all together. Of course one circumstance would be preferable to the other, but she recognized that she had no control either way.

"Very well, Stephen." She agreed with as much of a smile as she could muster. Trying to push thoughts of LL from her mind she turned the conversation to the weather and eventually they conversed somewhat naturally regarding their meeting with the solicitor, what plays they intended to see during their stay in London and a new bookstore Stephen hoped to take Elizabeth to later in the week. By the time they left for the park Elizabeth was well on her way to some semblance of her former self in his presence.

At breakfast the next morning Stephen advised Elizabeth that he intended to visit with his father that day. As they understood it Maggie's wedding would have taken place at Matlock either that morning or the previous day.

"Do you think it wise?"

'Wise and necessary are not always the same thing."

"Shall I join you?" She asked fairly certain she knew the answer. He looked at her with marked incredulity before laughing sharply.

"Elizabeth, you are a brave and kind woman and although I always welcome your presence I would not subject you to my father, particularly in this instance."

"Why this instance more than others?"

"Because likely he will hold you responsible." He told her.

"Me more than you his errant recalcitrant son?"

"Yes you." He confirmed.

"Would you care to elaborate?"

"Well in his eyes you have twice lured Fitzwilliam men away from matches he favored. Now that his daughter has acted in similar fashion I have no doubt that you will be the first one he blames."

"So you mean to go and draw his fire. No I simply cannot allow it." She declared. "I must have my share. We shall go together."

He paused in the act of rising form his chair and came to stand by her side. She rose as well. Looking at her fondly he laid his hand on her cheek. "I am afraid in this I cannot let you have your way, wife. I shall go, determine where we stand with the earl and then when I return you will know all."

They stayed that way for a moment longer and Elizabeth thought she would much rather spend the day like this than with him gone and her worried over it. But in the end she let him have his way as she knew things would have been more difficult for him with her there in any case.

While he was gone, Elizabeth met with Mrs. Fitzgibbons to plan the menus for the week and met several new potential staff the housekeeper had interviewed for open positions. Afterwards she took the ledgers once again as she had not fully reconciled all the numbers previously.

"I will take the account ledgers in to the library and attempt to reacquaint myself with them." Elizabeth said as they finished. "I make no promises as to how long it will take me."

"You cannot fool me, Lady Fitzwilliam. You already have a good grasp on the state of things and I have no doubt all the figures will be inside your head by supper."

"Perhaps some tea and scones would assist in the process?' Elizabeth wheedled.

"Of course, mistress."

After an hour of reviewing the account books Elizabeth began to feel the effects of her new city schedule. It would seem all the travel, town hours and her emotional turmoil were beginning to catch up with her. Moving to the sofa she resigned herself to at least a short nap before changing to call on her aunt.

Uncertain as to how much time had passed Elizabeth awoke to the sound of shouts coming from just outside the door. There were several voices and they were coming closer. Just as she rose the door was abruptly opened and the Earl of Matlock stormed in. On his heels was a harried looking Carson.

"The Earl of Matlock, Lady Fitzwilliam." He stated nearly breathlessly. "I informed his Lordship that you were not receiving visitors . . ."

"And I informed your insolent servant that I did not care whether you were receiving or not that I was to see you immediately. The man should be dismissed immediately as this is the fifth room I entered in my search for you. Do your servants not even know your whereabouts?"

Elizabeth's sleep fogged mind had been effectively cleared with the jolt provided by the entrance of her husband's irascible father, but she did take a moment to process the situation. She could not help but smile at her butler's loyalty. He knew where the family was at all times, but he also knew that she had no desire to meet with the earl and that certainly Stephen would not wish her to do so without him. It was sweet of him to try and protect her, but though she would certainly never set out to do it she could, when the occasion called for it, handle the man in front of her.

"And now that you have found me your Lordship may I offer you some refreshment?" she asked with all the appearance of calm and graciousness.

"No, I certainly did not drag myself away from my . . ." here the Earl of Matlock stopped himself and almost looked apologetic before continuing. "I am not here for niceties, Lady Fitzwilliam." This name came with the utmost reluctance and through clenched teeth no less. "I am here to discuss what you have done with my daughter. Bring her to me at once."

Though she had guessed this was the reason for his visit Elizabeth had hoped it would take him a little longer to get to the point as she was not certain how he would react to the truth coming from her. Stephen's warning still rang in her ears.

"Why are you still here?" The earl snarled at Carson. "Are you afraid for your mistress? Am I to be watched by a mere servant as if my behavior is not above reproach?"

Before the poor servant was forced to answer the enraged peer Elizabeth intervened.

"Carson, you may go." When he hesitated, she urged him. "Please let Sir Stephen know we await him."

The earl did not need to know that his son was not here. Indeed, it was clear that he had not been at home, but likely with one of his mistresses, the only mystery was where Stephen had gone after discovering his father was from home. Hopefully he would return soon. Once Carson was gone the earl resumed his questioning.

"Will you bring her to me or must I continue to reacquaint myself with each room of this house until I discover her myself?" He had recovered himself somewhat and his tone was back to that of the refined aristocrat. Elizabeth actually preferred the somewhat rough voice that came through when he forgot himself as in the previous exchange. She felt it was more true to the man within.

"My Lord, Lady Margaret is not here." She said simply.

"Of course she is. Where else would she go when she is defying me. One of my servants at Matlock sent an express to say she left there yesterday without my permission . . . I have been staying with a new friend of late and he did not know this. Therefore, I was not aware of Margaret's little piece of defiance until this morning. Honestly, if the chit wants to stay with you until her wedding next month I have no objection but I will speak with her and you and my son. You must all understand that the announcement is to appear in the papers next week. You have no power to stop this."

Elizabeth had not realized that Lord Matlock had gone so far as to reach an agreement with . . . she assumed Lord Gordon. His anger would be even worse than she had anticipated. Still she would be nothing but truthful.

"I think when you have heard all, my Lord you will find that it is not about power any more, but love."

"Oh love." The earl decreed throwing his hands up. "This is what comes from mixing with those not of our sphere. I know you think I have never liked you, Elizabeth but I will be honest. I think you are a good sort of girl. I think you did the best with what you were given. It is only that you were born to a poor country gentlemen and a tradesman's daughter. You are not of the nobility and frankly you are barely of the gentility. You think me a snob, but breeding matters. You were not even educated in the most basic sense. While you are everything that iss good and intelligent you could never be a true lady and that is not your fault. Nor is it your fault that you do not understand the importance of our family allying itself with other great families like our own. I hope when you and Stephen have children you will begin to see because then you may comprehend these matters in a new way. For now though you do not need to agree with me you only need to stop trying to oppose me. Margaret is my daughter and she will obey me."

Oddly enough it was the most conciliatory speech he had ever given to her. It was, of course, full of his own prejudices and insults for her, but it managed to admit that she was not entirely without some degree of merit and that, she had never heard before.

"I do understand that you and I will never agree on many things, my Lord. But now we are drawn together by an even closer connection." This was the first time she had considered the reality that by marrying Stephen she had in fact drawn the earl closer to herself in family ties. "I do hope we can try to get along."

He nodded curtly, more of a concession than she expected.

"Particularly after you hear what I have to tell you about Lady Margaret."

"What about her?" The earl growled and rose from his seat.

The time for dissembling had passed.

"It is my understanding that she has married."

"She would not marry without my consent."

"I believe you will find she has done so. I am told she and Mr. Smith were married yesterday and they are even now on their way to Aileach."

It was as good as an admission that she had been complicit in the plan, which though not quite the truth was fine with her. She had always supported the connection and maintained a correspondence with both his mother and sister passing along greetings and messages whenever she was asked to over the years. However; Stephen was right the earl would assume her complicity and Elizabeth was not at all concerned about it.

The tirade that followed alternated between insults, threats, exclamations of disbelief and promises of retribution. For the most part it rested on the premise that Elizabeth and Elizabeth alone was causing the ruination of the noble house of Fitzwilliam and would suffer dire consequence. With each terse and thunderous word the angry man moved closer to her until he was a mere step away. His tall frame towering over her. Although uncomfortable, Elizabeth was not afraid. He placed too much value on his status as a gentleman to stoop to actually physically assaulting a lady. Even one whose claim to that title was as dubious as hers. When his looming over her failed to yield the desired results, the earl began to pace. His threats continued.

"You cannot believe that I will be thwarted yet again in my plans for my family. This is too much to be born. You will tell me precisely where my daughter is so that I may go after her and prevent this." His tone brokered no disagreement.

"My Lord, as I indicated there is nothing to be done. They are married by now. He is a gentleman from a good family . . ."

"Do not speak to me about the suitably of a prospect for my daughter. You are not to judge. You should not interfere. You should not even be in a place to do so. But for my second son's regrettable impulse to rescue those he deems helpless you would have finally served a purpose in this family. Risen above your disadvantageous background and done something which advanced our standing rather than detracted from it. But now you have attempted to bring my daughter down to your level and I will not have it."

His voice had grown louder with each statement and though her courage did not fail her Elizabeth was sorry the servants could surely hear every word. She did not doubt their loyalty but to be dressed down in her own home was humiliating no matter the circumstances. Further, short of walking away she could not see how to bring this meeting to an end and her quitting the room would only leave her staff to deal with the earl who she was certain would not leave gracefully.

"We are not at all concerned with what you will or will not have, father." A familiar voice edged with an unusual amount of steele sounded from the doorway. Stephen came to Elizabeth's side without even glancing at their guest.

"I am so sorry I was not here. When he was not at home I assumed he would be at the club or a few similar places and I checked them all first before returning." He slipped one hand in hers and placed the other on the side of her face briefly taking in her countenance as if assuring himself she was well. Elizabeth looked back at him directly conveying her well-being and understanding.

"It is no matter." She assured him squeezing his hand. "Your father simply does not believe that he must relinquish his role as Lady Margaret's protector as she is now a married woman. It is admirable for him to wish to assure himself of the well-being of his youngest child and while I know the circumstances are not ideal I was trying to explain that Mr. Smith is respectable, eligible and cares for Maggie enough to risk the earl's wrath to ensure she is able to marry where she chooses."

"Father, I know you wished for something different for my sister." Stephen began, and while his words were pleasant enough his tone was hard **.** "for the life of me I will never understand how you treat your children as pawns in some sort of game to gain favor and position with people in society whose values and morals leave much to be desired." His father began to voice his objections to this characterization but his son was not to be gainsaid. "No, this is Elizabeth's home," how Elizabeth wished theirs was a real marriage where he would call this home his own as well as hers, "and you will hear me out and then you will leave and not return until such time as you can give her the respect she deserves. I do not share your values. I never have. I believe people should be considered based upon their merit and their intelligence not simply their place in the peerage. My sister has married a respectable gentleman and you cannot control her anymore."

"Stephen . . ." his father bellowed.

"I am still not done." Stephen continued in the same icy voice. Elizabeth, so used to his calm gentility found his ability to speak with such controlled rage slightly unnerving. "You have ruled this family with your iron fist long enough. I have tried for my entire life to either earn your respect or at least understand your actions as motivated by your own brand of love. But no more. Your plans have failed. Accept defeat and leave us to live as we have chosen to live."

"You cannot expect me . . ."

"But I can and I do." Stephen interrupted in that same tone.

"You no doubt encouraged her in this." His father bit out nodding at Elizabeth.

"Regardless," Stephen continued, "it is done and you are without your pawns. We, your younger and least dear children, are both married now and to people of our choosing. The game is over." Shifting to his more usual gregarious tone he added "Lord and Lady Langley are throwing a ball in our honor tonight and though I have not been a husband quite so long I know ladies do like to have a good bit of time to prepare for these things so please excuse us."

As if by magic, or perhaps eavesdropping, Carson appeared at just that moment wondering if his master or mistress required anything.

"Yes, Carson, thank you. His Lordship was just leaving would you be so kind as to retrieve his things and see him to the door. Lady Fitzwilliam and I must ready ourselves for our evening." With that he offered Elizabeth his arm and they swept from the room. She didn't dare question him or even turn around and see how the earl was reacting when Stephen seemed so determined, but she longed to know.

When they reached her door, Stephen followed her in to her chamber. Although surprised Elizabeth was glad they could have a moment of private conversation about what just happened. Once the door was closed she turned on him.

"Do you suppose he will finally accept that he cannot change things?" She asked. "Could it be that after this year of looking over our shoulder and making plans we can finally breathe easy?"

"I believe so." He said with conviction.

He held out his arms and she fell in to them easily. She found comfort in the strength he offered. They stayed together for a few moments like that until something seemed to shift. Elizabeth looked up and found Stephen's bright blue eyes regarding her with an intensity that made her senses swim.

"Elizabeth," he said softly taking her face in his hands as was becoming his custom.

"Yes?" She responded entirely uncertain about her ability to have a conversation in their current position.

"I am having a difficult time remembering my resolution to maintain my distance until you make up your mind." He confessed and she struggled to make sense of his words. They seemed connected to a conversation they had had at some earlier point in time but something was not right. She reached for it but then Stephen moved even closer and when his lips captured hers there were no more thoughts or concerns. For the first time since that day in the Pemberley chapel Elizabeth gave herself entirely over to feeling. It was a glorious few minutes.

"Might I be so bold as to request the pleasure of the first two dances this evening?" Stephen said after pulling back and taking a moment to allow his breathing to return to normal. Elizabeth remained in his arms and tried to recollect herself enough to answer his question. It seemed simple enough still it took a minute for her to find her voice and formulate an answer. By this time her husband looked quite smug at his ability to discompose her.

"I am not certain I should allow myself to be so monopolized. You did say this family was quite well to do and perhaps there might be a gentleman among them or their guests whose dancing would be superior to your own."

"That is true, but I am hoping you will have pity on your poor old husband and agree in any case."

Elizabeth paused as if considering it.

"I should warn you I am not averse to attempting to persuade you." He advised her.

"And how would you do that?" she asked with a smile. They still stood in an embrace and she found the intimacy exhilarating.

"You seem to find this particularly enjoyable." He teased as he kissed her once again. "Am I wrong in that?" He asked with a smile.

"No, you are not." She admitted without hesitation. If this was the path they had to walk to find their way to one another Elizabeth would gladly walk it. LL lingered in her mind, but she shoved the thought aside. "I confess you have convinced me."

Stephen kissed her once again and it was many moments before they spoke once again.

"I have conceded, sir to what do I owe this further effort at persuasion?" She asked.

"I also desire your hand for the supper set and assuming there would be some resistance thought it best to take to persuading forthwith."

"A wise strategy." Elizabeth conceded with a bright smile as suddenly the evening was alive with all sorts of possibilities and promise. "I will grant you the supper set if you grant me the final set of the evening?"

She knew they would be dancing together far more than was fashionable for married couples even before he accepted her offer in addition to the fact that she was not really supposed to be asking him for dances at all. Stephen's answering smile told her he was nothing but pleased at her approach. However; he stepped away and rubbed his chin as if considering her offer.

"I will have to give it some thought."

"Will you?" Elizabeth cried indignantly.

"Of course. If I were to agree right away I imagine you would not employ any method of persuasion at all. That would be an absolute shame."

Elizabeth laughed before very effectively persuading her husband to agree to her proposal.


	24. Chapter 24

**This a long one! Thanks for sticking with me. You guys are the best!**

"Mistress, you look stunning." Abigail declared when she had finished fastening the dress and they both beheld Elizabeth in the trifold mirror of her dressing room. Elizabeth, though more confidant in her own looks in the years since her marriage to William, knew she was no great beauty. But standing there looking at her own reflection in the handsome gown with her dark hair expertly arranged atop her head, a few curls escaping as always, she thought perhaps she did look quite well. Regardless, she knew her dance card was filled for at least four dances and the evening seemed to hold the promise of a new beginning. She and Stephen began their life as husband and wife under a cloud of grief, loss and fear. Now it seemed like they were moving toward a future. Although LL still lingered in the back of her mind Elizabeth chose to hope that the future was one they could build. She knew she loved him and chose to believe he could come to love her as well. He had certainly shown her many promising signs.

"You mustn't keep your husband waiting." Abigail chided, drawing Elizabeth out of her thoughts.

"Yes, of course. I should go."

"I cannot blame you for wanting an extra look." Abigail teased as she handed Elizabeth her gloves. "I have no doubt everyone else will be staring at you tonight."

"You are so good for my ego." Elizabeth said fondly patting Abigail's cheek as she dashed from the room. Uncertain as to whether Stephen was already downstairs or still in his chambers she chose to check his room first. His door was open and feeling bold with their newfound closeness Elizabeth let herself in almost hoping to catch him in his preparations. He was not there; however, and the silence of the room indicated he was not anywhere within. As she turned to leave Elizabeth's eye was caught by a letter on his desk. It appeared to have been just written as the pen was laid aside right next to it and it had not yet been folded to be addressed and sent. Reminding herself that it was none of her business and even yet of the things she had learned that she wished she hadn't the last time she went snooping in this very man's letters Elizabeth none the less found herself moving closer to inspect its contents.

My dearest LL –

It seems the time has come at last for us to speak and although part of me has longed for this moment I confess I am somewhat nervous. I long to have everything spoken between us. To gaze upon you with no pretense of friendship or family loyalty for once. To confess love and have it confessed in return. Could this really happen? Have all of the reasons I have ever kept silent truly be swept aside? I write this only minutes before we will be together, dancing, laughing, talking. Tonight will be unforgettable because I will finally declare myself to you and I hope you will not hesitate to do the same.

Elizabeth stopped reading and had to catch herself on the edge of the desk. Stephen had written a love letter to his LL. Moreover, he expected to see her tonight. At the ball. A ball he would escort her to. A ball where they would dance together. Dances he had teased and kissed her into promising to him. It was clear he at least did not intend on delivering the letter as he was already downstairs awaiting her, but did he intend to deliver the sentiments? Did it matter even? He obviously still felt them.

As if in a daze Elizabeth made her way back to her room. Abigail was there cleaning up. She was surprised to see her mistress return. Making some excuse about loose hair pins Elizabeth sat in front of her mirror while Abigail fixed the already perfect coiffure. The quarter of an hour did little to change Elizabeth's hair and even less to soothe her breaking heart, but she knew that unless she was willing to call off the evening or confront Stephen about the letter there was no point in a further delay.

Making her way down the grand staircase was so like what she had imagined just an hour earlier. The look of appreciation on Stephen's face as he gazed up, the fluttering of her heart when she saw him in his formal attire, the way his smile seemed to light up the room around them and draw one from her despite how close to tears she was. The scene was the same as she had imagined but her heart, her mind, it seemed her very soul were not in it anymore. Her husband might have been trying to make the most of their situation since they were reunited but she was not his love, his LL, and his heart clearly still belonged to another. It was unfortunate she had not known that before she carelessly gave hers to him. She comforted herself with the fact that he was still unaware of that fact.

"Elizabeth you look extraordinary. Truly, your beauty is astounding." He said with a broad careless smiling. Taking her hands in his he drew her closer. "Are you unwell?"

"I must not be quite as recovered as I had believed." She said forcing a smile and wishing Stephen was not looking at her so closely, was not standing so near. "Shall we go?"

"Of course if you wish, but if you are feeling unwell perhaps we should stay in." He said, his brow pinched with concern

Elizabeth did know which would be worse - twirling around a London ballroom filled with strangers and friends, wondering where LL was, wondering every time Stephen was not present if he was with her or staying home with Stephen and pretending all was well. At least at the ball she would be able to escape him often, at home he might not give her the option. Especially if he truly believed her to be ill.

'No, I was feeling unwell. That is why I took some extra time to rest before getting ready and why I might still look a little tired. But I assure you I am well enough and greatly anticipating the evening."

"If you are certain?"

"I am." She said with a distant nod which seemed to add to Stephen's uncertainty.

Carson materialized with their outerwear and wished them a good evening.

"Thank you, Carson and please don't wait up. Lady Fitzwilliam and I can fend ourselves when we return which may be earlier than we originally planned if my wife is unwell but regardless let the staff know they may retire as per their usual routine." Turning to Elizabeth he asked, "Is that agreeable to you?"

"Certainly." She said turning to the door. Stephen followed and they were soon ensconced in their carriage.

"Elizabeth, are you certain you are well?" He asked taking the seat opposite.

"Do I not look it?" She challenged.

"Well, you look, truthfully, breathtaking." He hesitated for a moment. "It is only that earlier you seemed delighted with the prospect of this evening, nearly as delighted as I am, but now it is as if you are either ill or something is bothering you."

He seemed so concerned for her, so truly earnest that Elizabeth nearly confessed all. But knowing that this would only burden Stephen and embarrass her she chose silence.

"No, truly I am well. It is merely as I said, I am not quite back to my usual self. I think town hours may be catching up with me somewhat." This was yet another partial truth and so Elizabeth hoped that as Stephen's light blue eyes stared in to her own he found that honesty and nothing else.

"Very well." She heard the skepticism in his voice. "But let us stay only as long as you feel well enough. Although I am loathe to give up any of the dances I worked so hard to persuade you to you must promise you will let me know the moment you desire to leave."

"I promise." She assured him. Was he so willing give up the chance to be reunited with his LL? Or was he certain he would have other opportunities? She knew not what to make of it.

The Langleys home was a mere three streets from Darcy House and so they arrived at their destination in less than ten minutes. There were dozens of carriages lined up waiting to unload their wealthy and elegant occupants. Stephen handed Elizabeth down and tucked her hand in his elbow.

"I am eager for you to meet Countess Langley." He said with a smile as they waited to be received by their hosts. "She is a kind and intelligent woman. She and my mother were great friends and I know you will love her and she you."

"I look forward to making her acquaintance." That was true at least. The Langleys sounded like a family who she would be glad to know among so many social climbers and gossipers who populated London's elite social circles.

The Earl and Countess stood at the front of a receiving line that included another gentleman and two young ladies.

"Stephen, you look quite dashing." The Countess declared clasping both his hands. "We are so glad you have brought your wife here to meet us at last."

"Lord and Lady Langley, may I present to you my wife Lady Elizabeth Fitzwilliam."

Turning to Elizabeth she smiled warmly. "It is a pleasure to meet you, Lady Fitzwilliam. Welcome to our home. Stephen has told us a great deal about you both this week when we met and also in his correspondence over the years. May I present my children Viscount Harley and his wife Lady Harley. And my daughter Lady Laura Langley."

Elizabeth had nodded at the handsome gentlemen who appeared to be in his late thirties and his wife who looked to be Elizabeth's own age. She was somewhat plain looking aside from a bright smile and striking, almost white blond hair. It was as these two ladies exchanged their curtsies that Elizabeth heard the name. Laura Langley. LL. And then she knew she was staring into the bright brown eyes of the woman her husband loved.

"Lady Fitzwilliam." The young woman welcomed her and as Elizabeth returned the greeting she appraised the woman before her. She was fair skinned and fair haired. Taller than Elizabeth and perhaps a little older. Her smile was open and Elizabeth acknowledged her to be quite beautiful. Her light brown eyes were similar to those of her mother and brother and as they regarded Elizabeth with a quizzical look they held hers only briefly before turning to Stephen. When they did so Elizabeth witnessed them light up in an entirely new way. Elizabeth's mind was reeling with her revelation as the two greeted one another.

"Stephen," she gushed extending both her hands to him. "I was so sorry to have missed your visit last week."

"And I to miss the pleasure of your company." He smiled taking her hands into his before raising one to his lips. Elizabeth could hardly tear her eyes from where he held her hand, watching their conversation, taking in every nuance of their interaction. Although Stephen smiled at the young woman his eyes strayed back to Elizabeth throughout their brief interchange. Was he worried she would perceive his regard?

"We should allow you to greet the rest of your guests." He said with a smile. With no evident reluctance he took his leave of the Langleys and offered Elizabeth his arm to escort her into the ballroom. Once inside they were greeted by several acquaintances and Elizabeth did her best to keep her mind on the people and conversations in front of her. But her thoughts kept wandering to the lovely LL standing in the foyer greeting guests and wondered if her husband's were doing likewise. When Jane and Kitty and their husbands arrived Elizabeth welcomed the distraction.

"Lizzy, you look beautiful" Charles said. There was a clear note of relief in his voice.

"Thank you, Charles." Elizabeth said. "You are very handsome this evening."

The greetings were predictably similar. The ladies were all quite beautiful and the men handsome with each husband claiming their wife was the most beautiful and each wife insisting their husband was the most handsome. Except Elizabeth. When the others walked off to greet some acquaintances Stephen came to stand beside as she watched the room fill with revelers.

"I might ask why I was not championed by my wife as the best looking brother in the family, but I suppose I cannot expect you to profess opinions you do not own." He was trying to sound casual but Elizabeth could tell he was hurt. She wanted to say something hurtful. To accuse him. How could he seek her good opinion when he intended to court another this very evening, but then she reminded herself – this marriage was not of his choosing, they were friends, he was a good man in a hard situation. But more than all of that she was a woman in love and if the man she loved needed something she would give it.

"Stephen, you are quite mistaken." She said turning to face him. "I thought it fairly obvious they were fighting for second place."

"Behind Wickham?"

"Behind you, silly man. You are very handsome as I believe I told you quite recently. And I suppose I was remiss in not telling you this evening, you look . . . you quite take my breath away."

His eyes softened and he reached for her. Elizabeth though he would touch her face until a noise seemed to stop him.

"I believe this is our dance." He said as the musicians struck the chords of the first dance. Elizabeth was glad to have the distraction of a complicated country dance. She focused on the steps, on the other dancers, on the feel of Stephen's hand in hers as they passed one another. And so she was able to spend a full half hour not thinking solely of LL, the letter and her husband's very confusing behavior and what in earth she was going to do.

"Shall I fetch us some punch?" He asked when the dance was through and Elizabeth nodded in agreement unable to trust her voice.

The evening passed more quickly than Elizabeth could have imagined just hours previous when she was gasping for breath and hoping for a miracle of calm after having discovered Stephen's letter. At dinner they sat with Elizabeth's family as well as the Earl and countess. The countess regaled them all with many stories of Stephen's mother which he seemed to enjoy greatly. Elizabeth greatly appreciated his laughing responses and the countess' clear pleasure in speaking of her late friend. Lady Laura did not approach either herself or Stephen again until the second to last dance. Elizabeth was claimed by Lord Langley for the set. On his arm was his beautiful daughter.

"Sir Stephen, since your lovely wife will be otherwise occupied during this set I wonder if you would be so kind as to dance with my lovely daughter?" He asked with a smile.

"It would be my pleasure." Stephen agreed with apparent enthusiasm and Elizabeth attempted to concentrate on the Lord Langley's very congenial conversation for the next half hour. In this she was less than successful. Her eyes and mind wandered continually to the laughing couple across the floor. She wondered if it was during this dance that he would choose to declare to himself, to give voice to the words in his letter. Although their conversation did not appear serious they both looked happy and content with each other's company.

When the dance ended Langley brought her back to Stephen's side. Lady Laura stood beside him smiling at whatever remark he had just made.

"I have missed your wit, Stephen." She said laughing. "No one can tell a story like you. I certainly hope we will see a great deal of you and your wife" with this she turned to Elizabeth.

"I have no doubt of it." Stephen agreed quickly. He stepped from Lady Laura's side and extended his hand to Elizabeth. "If you will pardon us, I believe my wife had promised this dance to me." He looked into her eyes just then and the smile he gave her almost made her forget everything that had happened after their kiss that afternoon.

"Really, Stephen dancing with your wife again?" Lady Laura said with a smile. "It is really not quite the thing to show such partiality."

Although Stephen did not release her hands he did halt their progress toward the dance floor as the music began. Elizabeth looked to him to see how he would respond to this admonition.

"I know you are always on the cusp of what is fashionable and suitable in the most exalted circles of society, Lady Laura." He bowed in her direction. "But I think you will find that Lady Fitzwilliam and I are not particularly fashionable and do not aspire to be so." Turning to Elizabeth he asked, "Is it not so, my dear?"

"I have never had such lofty aspirations. Certainly, not if they deprive me of a dance with my husband." She said with sincerity and a softness as she looked at him and wondered whether he had already told his love of his continued regard for her, wondered if she had already lost him having never really had him in the first place.

"Well then there you have it." He said with a brilliant smile. "I am very blessed indeed to have a wife so little concerned with appearances and so very concerned with my own happiness."

"Perhaps it is my own feelings I am consulting in this matter, sir without regard to your own." She answered with a smile.

"I would be happy were that the case then I should imagine you enjoy dancing with me almost as much as I do with you."

And in that moment as he took her hand to lead her in the dance Elizabeth imagined the look in his eye meant something very different than what it could have meant. They hardly spoke during the first set and as the second began Stephen remarked on her unusual silence.

"Elizabeth, have I kept you out too late? You are unusually quiet."

"No, I have had a lovely evening." And she was surprised to find that this was for the most part true. Her dances with Stephen had been wonderful. Her other partners, including both of her brothers-in-law, had been accommodating and attentive. There were many of her former acquaintances in attendance and she found that seeing them, receiving their condolences as well as well wishes and hearing of their lives had felt good. It had reminded her of the parts of her old life she had enjoyed, the people, the activities and the society. The constant socializing had allowed her to put the mystery of Stephen, LL, Lady Laura and the letter from her mind for large lengths of time throughout the five hour evening.

"I am glad of it." He said with a smile. "Although I confess I would not have been too disappointed to have gone home early with you."

This did not fit with what she believed about him and Lady Laura and their feelings for one another. Perhaps she was not the one. The initials fit and they certainly had known each other long enough to have formed an attachment but what of her unavailability? How had she not considered this? There was no husband, no fiancé to stop Stephen. Feeling a small sliver of hope Elizabeth considered how to ask Stephen.

"Lady Laura and her brother are great friends of your family?"

"Yes." He answered with a smile and no seeming sense of guilt or concern. "I do not know the viscount's wife very well, but we have met several times since I came to town and from what I have discerned she is quite shy and may yet be worthy of my friend."

"And Lady Laura is she betrothed?" She ventured to ask. It was not entirely proper as she and the lady were not well acquainted but she was asking her husband and not the ladies in the retiring room.

"No . . . I suppose you will hear soon enough. She was promised several years ago. They were engaged for some time as she was only sixteen when they became betrothed. After the wedding date had been set, indeed only weeks prior, he ran off with an American to New York or Boston I believe."

And with that short explanation any small hope Elizabeth had entertained died a swift and painful death. She nearly stumbled over the last steps, but Stephen's caught her easily.

"I think you may be more tired than you thought, darling." He whispered in her ear and he drew her close. "We will leave right away." He kept her close to his side and guided them through the thick crowd with ease.

Elizabeth offered her own thanks as they stood before their hosts moments later. The countess was effusive in her praise of Elizabeth's gown, person and dancing and Elizabeth tried to smile and managed to offer sincere gratitude for her host's graciousness and the evening itself as they waited for their carriage.

"Thank you, Lady Langley. I am grateful for your notice and your kind words."

"I do hope, Lady Fitzwilliam that some time soon we will dispense with this lady nonsense as I cannot help but tell you I am determined that we shall be the very best of friends. While I know it is not quite proper to be so forward so quickly I do also intend to call on you this week if you are amendable."

Elizabeth could not help but smile at the older woman's enthusiasm.

"I should like that, and you may call me, Elizabeth. I have never been one for convention."

The Countess laughed. "Ha, I thought not! And please call me Henrietta when I come to your house." With a quick kiss to Elizabeth's cheek she swept away with a call to a servant about more champagne for one of the card rooms.

"She is quite a lady."

"She is that." Stephen agreed as he escorted Elizabeth to their waiting carriage.

"What are you doing?" Elizabeth asked when Stephen took the seat beside her.

"Elizabeth, you are obviously exhausted. Please, allow me to help." With that he placed his arm around her shoulders and drew her against his side. "I am your husband after all." He offered his signature grin.

"It seems I can never be sure." Elizabeth said without rancor.

"Ours is not a life of convention." He quipped.

"No I suppose not." She wondered if this meant he would feel free to pursue another woman while still married to her.

"Even so I mean to offer you what comfort you let me." He insisted. "I do apologize for keeping you out so late."

"I did not mind." She said truthfully. "I enjoyed the evening quite thoroughly. The countess is a delight and I look forward to getting to know her and the rest of the family." She added quickly lest Stephen think she held something against any one of them.

"I am glad. It is good to know that not all of my connections bring fear and dread, requiring schemes and machinations to counter their sinister plans for our lives."

Elizabeth laughed softly. "Stephen, we must adapt my philosophy somewhat as regards the past. Let us think only of your family, our families, as gives us pleasure."

"I am afraid then we will not give consideration at all to quite a few of them."

"So be it." She said resting her head on her shoulder and giving in to the exhaustion she could no longer deny.

Some time later she was vaguely aware of being lifted. She heard Abigail's voice a while later and Stephen's as well. Deciding to succumb to the sleep that sought to claim her rather than fight it Elizabeth knew nothing at all until the sun was high in the sky the next day.

She could not remember having slept so late apart from the days when her sleep and waking were indistinguishable from one another during her fever. Feeling quite well rested and morbidly curious about Stephen and how his night had gone she rang for Abigail and decided she must know her fate.

This however was not to be. It was the morning after a ball after all and although the ritual was not quite the same as in Hertfordshire there were still callers who wanted to come and discuss the previous evening's events and not all of them were unwelcome.

"Mrs. Bingley and Lady Grantham

Elizabeth's sisters were announced only a half hour after she had begun to receive callers. When guests had begun to arrive, Carson had informed Elizabeth that her husband had breakfasted at his usual hour and gone out to attend to business. Elizabeth was almost surprised. Although William had been a master at inventing excuses to miss her calling hours Stephen seemed to always truly enjoy being in company and was easy with people of every station. No matter, it was not as if she could confront him here among their many guests and she refused to acknowledge that she wanted him here simply because she wanted him here.

"Jane, Catherine." She said rising to greet her most welcome guests. "I am so glad you have come."

She drew them to a couch recently vacated by a departing baroness and bid them sit while she poured their tea.

"Well, we were barely able to see you at all last night." Kitty declared with a pout. "Really, Lizzy three dances with your husband. You were all anyone talked about."

"And he barely danced with any other lady. Only the hostess, her family and us of course." Jane joined in and only her mention of Lady Laura dampened Elizabeth's amusement at her elder sister's ability to tease.

"Was it really so scandalous?" She asked.

"I certainly hope so." Stephen said coming to stand by Elizabeth as she handed Jane her cup. Thankful she had done so before he gently brushed a kiss on her cheek as Elizabeth was sure she could not have held on to anything at that point.

"Good morning, wife." He said smiling in to her eyes.

"Good morning, husband." She answered with a smile of her own.

He then greeted his sisters in law with a very proper bow and a very roguish wink and moved on to the rest of the room.

"Lizzy, is this the first you've seen of your husband today." Jane asked with some surprise.

"Yes, I am afraid I woke with barely enough time to be presentable to my guests." Elizabeth confessed.

"That is unlike you." Kitty observed.

"I know, but I find I still have not recovered my former energy." Elizabeth admitted.

"Elizabeth, you must not over tax yourself." This, of course came from Jane. "I know you are never one to put limits on your own behavior, but we would not wish for you to suffer another setback of any kind. Should we excuse ourselves as an example to the rest of your guests? Or Stephen can see to them? Kitty and I can escort you to your room of you need to rest."

"Jane," Elizabeth laughed. "I appreciated your concern, but did we not just establish that I have only lately left my bed? I do not believe I need to return to it so quickly. I will own to pushing myself a little beyond my new limits last night, but who could blame me? It was such a lovely ball."

"And with a husband as handsome and attentive as yours." Kitty observed. "Made even lovelier still."

"This is why I continually make my way over to this side of the room." Stephen said joining them and taking a seat beside Elizabeth. "I hear such honest opinions."

"Honest opinions, indeed." Elizabeth scoffed. "You know Kitty has always been partial to a man in a red coat and she still holds out hope that you will be forced to don yours again one day for some ceremony or other so she showers you with compliments."

"Yes, that must be it." Kitty agreed with a dubious smile. "Will you dress in scarlet for me soon, dear brother?"

"And risk you abandoning your smitten husband so soon into your marriage. I think not." Stephen responded.

Kitty and Jane laughed and the sisters and Elizabeth shared a story with Stephen about Lydia and Kitty's fondness for militia men from their teenage years in Hertfordshire. Although somewhat tainted by Wickham, the sisters were able to look back with mostly humor and fondness as their youngest sister's marriage had not only ended her recklessness with respectability but also distance. The family had not seen the Wickhams in two years although they could be depended upon to request pecuniary aid at least twice a year from each of the sisters.

The tet a tet between the family was interrupted with the announcement of new guests.

"Viscountess Regina Langley and Lady Laura Langley"

Stephen rose immediately and went to greet the new arrivals and escort them to Elizabeth and her sisters.

"We must apologize, Stephen, Lady Fitzwilliam," Lady Regina began. "We know it is late to be begin a call, but. . . "

"But we had to stay with mother to entertain her tedious callers," Lady Laura interrupted. "We left as soon as we could and came here right away." Her sister-in-law offered an apologetic smile in confirmation of Lady Laura's words.

"Well, it is good to see you as always, Lady Laura and to have a chance to become better acquainted with you, Lady Regina." Stephen said with a bow to each woman.

"We won't stay long." The viscountess assured them gently.

"You are very welcome. I enjoyed meeting you last night." Elizabeth told her. The lady smiled at this and looked genuinely delighted. Elizabeth thought perhaps she was in search of a friend.

"You remember my sisters?" She asked the ladies. "Lady Grantham and Mrs. Bingley." The ladies all curtsied and all but Lady Laura sat back down. She drew Stephen aside.

Although she truly was interested in getting to knowing the viscountess Elizabeth had a hard time focusing on her conversation with Kitty and Jane. Thankfully her sisters carried the majority of the conversational burden. Elizabeth could only hear parts of Stephen's exchange with Lady Laura and every word she did hear caused her to wonder if it could be a piece of his confession of love. It was too much.

Half an hour later the other guests had taken their leave and the two ladies of Langley house rose to do the same.

"Lady Fitzwilliam," the viscountess began.

"Please, call me Elizabeth."

"Thank you and I would be delighted if you would call me Regina." Regina offered with a shy smile.

"Would it be agreeable to you if I were to call again this week?" She asked, hastening to add. "If you are not too busy."

This woman reminded Elizabeth so much of Georgiana she had to hold back tears. Her gentleness, her evident loneliness. Of course they would be friends. A burst of laughter drew both of their eyes to the other side of the room.

"I would come without my sister."

"That is not necessary." Elizabeth said quickly.

"Of course, but Lady Laura is so charming and outspoken and I am afraid that sometimes in her presence I can be . . ."

Realizing that it was not her wishes Regina was seeking to gratify by excluding her sister-in-law she sought to reassure her, "Of course if we mean to be quite the best of friends, and I dare say we do, it might be best if we spend some time on her own."

"Yes, thank you." Regina sighed. Elizabeth thought how she must feel overshadowed by her beautiful, charming, outspoken young sister-in-law. The ladies discussed possible outings for their next time together. Stephen and Lady Laura continued to talk amongst themselves as they waited for the ladies' bonnets to be fetched. Once again several words and phrases from their conversation floated to Elizabeth's ears and once again she tried to discern anything from them that could indicate if Stephen had made a declaration. But to no avail.

When their guests had gone Elizabeth had almost determined to ask her husband outright about his feelings for the lovely Lady Laura, but she could not bring herself to have that conversation. She remembered how deeply she felt the disappointment upon her initial discovery of LL's identity. How much more would hurt would she feel if he confessed it to her in person and they had to sit and discuss it, as if her heart weren't breaking, how would they continue to maintain a façade of marriage while they welcomed his true love in to their home.

Thus, instead of a conversation of Lady Laura they discussed business. Their investments, their homes and their staffs. They had several decisions to make after their meeting with the solicitor and Elizabeth's desire to focus on something other than her husband's amorous pursuits made her a very engrossed and dedicated landlord, investor and employer that afternoon. They went over matter after mater until finally Stephen requested a break.

"Elizabeth, Stevens did not expect us to reach decisions on all of the matters we discussed so quickly. Indeed, several will take some serious consideration and consultation with third parties."

"I apologize if I have kept you overlong, Stephen." She said quickly. "Of course you have other things you would rather be doing, other people you would rather be with."

He looked at her quizzically, "You are mistaken, madam. There is no one else I would rather be with and if you have not discerned that then I have been doing a rather poor job of it. I meant only what I said. I do not think we are doing ourselves or those who rely on us any favors by rushing through some of these decisions."

"Do you think we have made any errors?"

"No, but this next issue with the vineyards should wait until we hear back from my contact in Italy. Shall we put business aside and adjourn to the music room? I would love to hear you play."

Elizabeth was surprised but certainly not displeased by the request. She did play and sing for him. His smile more than his thanks warmed her as they proceeded to spend the rest of the day together. He gave no indication he had any plans to do anything else. As they stood to retire for the night Elizabeth found the courage to ask a question that had been bothering her. Not the most critical question, but one that had been on her mind since her return to London.

"Why are you in the blue room?"

"You have not asked me to be anywhere else." He answered simply regarding her as he often did directly and intensely with those steel blue eyes.

"Please, Stephen." Elizabeth said, her exhaustion evident. "Do not answer my question without answering my question. For once let us have the conversation I intend."

"I do not mean to evade, Elizabeth and I certainly do not do it for my sake." She drew in a breath. There is it was again. The implication that she would not want to hear what he had to say if they probed in to their marriage further, only now she was fairly certain he was right and she knew why. Still this question could be dealt with.

"So for my sake you do not wish to discuss it or for my sake you did not take the master suite?" She asked.

He looked away for a moment. They stood at the top of the grand staircase where they usually parted ways. He would turn to the right down the hall which led to the east wing and the four guest suites including the blue room. She to the opposite hall which housed the four family suites. Her hand still rested on his arm and she could feel his tension.

"Yes and no." He finally answered.

"That is a helpful answer." She said with a smile. "Stephen, please it is just me. Will you just tell me?"

"Very well. ."

"Again I ask why?"

"Elizabeth, are you asking about why I choose to reside in the blue room or something larger?" He challenged.

This was the conversation Elizabeth was not ready to have. Indeed, she might never be.

"Perhaps, neither." She conceded.

"I will bid you goodnight then." He said and Elizabeth thought he looked disappointed.

"Goodnight, Stephen." She sighed.

As Elizabeth prepared for bed that night she thought about whether she preferred to continue to have these half conversation with Stephen for the rest of their lives or if she was brave enough to force a confession she knew had the potential to hurt her deeply but would at least relieve her of the anxiety leaving it unsaid gave her.

Before falling asleep she took out a box of William's letters she had set aside from when she and Stephen had cleaned out his room at Pemberley. They had not been apart often during their four year marriage or even their short engagement but whenever they were they were very faithful correspondents. This box had all of their letters. It told the story of their courtship and marriage and Elizabeth allowed herself to mourn the loss of both as she read them. It was well after midnight when Elizabeth fell into an exhausted slumber.

The next day she called on Regina and the two women began to become good friends. That day they chose to walk in the park by the Langley's home and then take a short carriage ride to a tea and pastry shop. They spoke of all the things one does when one is getting know someone. Their childhoods, their families. Regina told Elizabeth the story of how she and her husband met and married. Elizabeth was pleasantly surprised to learn that theirs was not an arranged marriage. Although Regina clearly did not want to press her friend about her late husband Elizabeth found herself telling stories about William, their courtship, marriage and even the days before she had come to care for him and how differently she had thought of him.

"And so you sat together for a full half hour and spoke not a word?" Regina asked with a laugh. "And the whole time he must have been thinking of how lovely you were and what he might say to win you?"

"No, I assure you he was not." Elizabeth said as the two ladies strolled back to meet Regina's carriage which awaited them down the street from where they had taken tea. "At that time he was trying to persuade himself away from his affection for me."

"And any conversation with you of course would have hindered that endeavor as you are a delightful conversationalist."

"And you are quite a valuable friend with such compliments. I shall soon be quite full of myself." Elizabeth laughed.

"I imagine you are used to such praise. If Stephen is half as free with his admiration in your company as he has been when he speaks of you to others you must be quite used to hearing yourself spoken of as one of the most beautiful, intelligent, kindest and good humored ladies in all of England."

Elizabeth did not know what to say. To think of Stephen speaking of her in such a way to Regina's family, to Lady Laura, was surprising and although she knew he held her in high esteem to hear these words from her friend was highly gratifying.

By the time Elizabeth's carriage brought her home she just had time to change and greet her Aunt who was arriving for an afternoon visit. Her uncle and cousins would be joining them for dinner.

"Elizabeth, my darling it is so good to see. I was sorry to miss your ball. I was not truly unwell, but unwell enough that the evening would have been unpleasant."

"We missed you of course, but I am glad you have recovered."

"As am I and I am glad to have time to sit and talk with you."

"As am I Aunt." Elizabeth said with all sincerity. Madeline had been like an older sister or even mother to Elizabeth since she married her Uncle when Elizabeth was ten. Her kindness, wisdom and love had been a constant in the young girl's life. And having been the means of reuniting herself and William on the fateful trip to Pemberley nearly six years ago had endeared both she and her uncle not only to Elizabeth but to William as well. As a result, the two couples had become quite close.

"How are you?" Madeline asked quite in the middle of what to Elizabeth felt like a normal conversation regarding the play they intended to see next week.

"I am well, Aunt. Do you have reason to suspect otherwise?"

"No, indeed. It is only that you seem distracted." Madeline observed shrewdly and Elizabeth, though generally fond of her Aunt, silently cursed her perceptiveness. "You have looked at the door at least a dozen times during our conversation. Are you expecting another guest?"

"No and I am sorry if you feel I have not been attending you. I assure you I am very interested in what you have to say." Elizabeth explained sincerely. If she had been slightly curious as to when Stephen would return and if he would come to greet her when he did, she was mortified to discover she had been so blatant about it.

"I had not meant it as a criticism, my dear I assure you. Merely as an opening for you to discuss what is on your mind."

Elizabeth considered this. She had not been entirely open with anyone. No one, save herself, had all of the pieces to the puzzle of her heart, her marriage. She was still undecided about what she must do with what she knew of Stephen's feelings for Lady Laura. With what to do about her own feelings. Perhaps Aunt Madeline's unbiased and wise counsel should be brought to bear on this very important decision.

"I confess I find myself at something of a crossroads and am uncharacteristically indecisive about how to handle it."

"Do you wish my advice?" Madeline had never forced her guidance on any of her nieces or her children for that matter. Elizabeth knew that if she declined her Aunt would press no further.

"I believe so yes, but I afraid there is much to acquaint you with."

"I suspect it has something to do with your husband."

Naturally, the older woman knew that much. It was her perspicacity that led them in this conversation in the first place.

"Yes." Elizabeth confirmed and before she lost her courage she rushed to explain the most important point. "I am afraid that I did something I shouldn't have. After finding some of Stephen's letters to William while cleaning out his room I read one of them. In doing so I discovered Stephen was in love with Lady Laura Langley but because she was engaged at the time he could not propose."

"Oh and you have only recently become acquainted with the Langleys. That is rather awkward."

"I am afraid this goes beyond awkward, Aunt. I have also come to learn that Stephen's feelings for Lady Laura are not in the past. He loves her still and even planned to confess his love at the ball last night." Over her Aunt's gasp of disbelief Elizabeth went on to finish. "I do not know if he had a chance. He may have done so yesterday as they were in company then as well."

Elizabeth was surprised to find tear pricking the backs of her eyes. Her Aunt reached for her hands.

"Darling I'm certain you are mistaken." She said gently. "I know not how you have come to these very conclusions but I assure you, you are wrong."

"No, it is quite certain."

Before they could argue further the subject of their discourse strode into the room and greeted them. If he noticed the distress of both ladies Stephen said nothing. Shortly, thereafter the rest of the Gardiners arrived and the evening became very much about the young ones claiming the attention of both Stephen and Elizabeth. Anthony, the eldest Gardiner was entering Eton in the fall and was eager to get Stephen's advice on how to fit in, do well and make friends. Elizabeth enjoyed watching Stephen very seriously answer the young boy's questions and listen to all his concerns.

The two Gardiner daughters were just as eager for Elizabeth's attention. They were only a year apart at ten and nine years old and the reminded Elizabeth very much of herself and Jane. The older daughter, Jennifer, was outgoing, witty and a little too sure of herself. Her younger sister, Louisa, was kind, shy and soft spoken. The two were devoted to one another in a way that made Elizabeth both long for Jane and children of her own. As the dinner was an informal family affair the children were allowed to eat with the adults and both Elizabeth and Stephen praised them for their comportment and manners. They even separated after the meal as the children were excited to participate fully in the adult rituals.

There was no chance to continue her conversation with her aunt with Jennifer and Louisa present and Elizabeth was too fully engaged in their banter to even consider her Aunt's certainty that she was mistaken in her impression of Stephen's feelings. She did however think about it immediately after they left. Which is why when Stephen walked in to her dressing room and dismissed her maid she almost missed the exceptionality of the circumstance.

"Elizabeth," he said urgently and Elizabeth realized that he may have been trying to get her attention for several moments.

"Yes, Stephen I apologize. My mind was elsewhere. I assume you have some particular a reason for this visit?" Her question came out more sharply than she had intended.

"Yes, I do. Your Aunt said something very peculiar to me before she left." Elizabeth's looked up at this pronouncement. "She indicated I should ask you about Lady Laura?"

Elizabeth's heart raced. She should have known her well intentioned aunt would interfere. "What about Lady Laura?" She asked hoping to avoid the conversation her Aunt clearly intended her to have.

"She did not say precisely." He said sounding worried. He moved farther in to the room to sit on the settee beside Elizabeth's chair.

"But it seemed urgent enough to warrant a late-night visit?" She asked.

"It is only that Lady Laura is sometimes . . that is to say in the past she has been . . ." he paused as if considering his next words carefully. It was his endearing uncertainty that finally decided Elizabeth.

"Stephen, I know how you feel about Laura."

He looked at her for a moment, his eyebrows knit together in the center of his forehead.

"Of course you do. I explained to you weeks ago how much I cared for the Langleys. This is obviously not what has you concerned. But I think I do understand. Although I have spoken to her I have perhaps not been as direct as I could have been."

"You have spoken then?" Elizabeth asked, her heart sinking.

"Yes, I told her very plainly how things were. As if it were not clear enough."

Elizabeth tried to hold back the tears. For the past few days she had questioned whether it would be better to simply have this conversation. She and Stephen had only ever been honest with one another. Indeed, knowing there were secrets between them had been weighing heavily on her. What held her back was the fear of how it would feel to hear him confess to her his feelings for another woman. Seeing it on paper had been painful enough but to look at him, see his eyes and hear his voice articulate the emotions that drew him to Lady Laura and away from herself she feared would be too much to bear. And now she knew that she was right. But what could she do? He was determined and she found that now that they had begun she'd rather endure all the pain at once and be done with it. No half measures. No way to convince herself she had misunderstood. She would hear it all and find a way to move forward with the whole truth before her, revel in its awful fullness.

"Yes, it is very clear." She said through the tears that began to fall.

"And my honest feelings, the ones that I have not been able to conceal, they do not please you?" He asked without a hint of emotion.

"I am sorry to pain you, Stephen." She said quietly. "I had not intended this. I tried. I know it pains you and that is the last thing I would ever want to do. This is why I did not want us to marry."

"You knew of my feelings even then?"

"No." she said quickly. "Well, I knew, as I told you, that you would come to regret marrying me and eliminating any chance of love and affection with your marriage partner."

He dropped his head in his hand.

"I knew what I was doing?' His voice was hollow. "It was the only way to keep you from Gordon and my sister from my father's machinations."

"But what of you? Your nobility has consigned us both to this misery." She accused rising from her seat and flinging her arms wide.

"I had thought you less than miserable these past weeks." He said looking up at her and the tears she saw in his eyes nearly did her in.

"That was before Lady Laura, before the note, before the ball." Elizabeth turned away and walked to the window which overlooked the street below. She could just see the lamps at regular intervals and a lone carriage making its way along the empty lane. She started when Stephen's hands landed on her shoulders. His approach had been utterly silent.

"Elizabeth I truly do not understand what any of those things have to do with each other, how they have made you miserable and . . . what note?"

"The one to Lady Laura."

"I have never written a note to Lady Laura in my life." He held her gaze in the glass which reflected them back into the room. He looked confused. She looked miserable.

"It was on your desk." Then not wanting to sound like a trespasser she explained. "I went to meet you there before the ball thinking you might not have gone down yet."

"You saw a note on my desk addressed to Lady Laura?" He still sounded confused until he suddenly turned her around. "Did it have her name on it?"

"Of course. I am not a fool. It was addressed to your Dearest LL. Of course I did not know she was LL until I met her at the ball. The name was the one you used for her in your letters to William. It is how I knew she was the woman you have loved all these years. When I learned she had been engaged and then it had been broken off right around the time of the letter . . . it is how I knew that I have destroyed any chance you have of being with the one you truly love."

Now she began to sob in earnest. It was true she loved him and the thought of his not returning her love broke her heart, but more than that the thought that but for their hasty marriage he could have been happy . . . that hurt her even more deeply because clearly Lady Laura still cared for him and they could have found happiness together. She was in the way.

"If I could release you I would. If we could be granted a divorce somehow?" She suggested desperately, knowing it very unlikely.

"Elizabeth, "Stephen shook her gently as he was still in possession of her shoulders. "Laura is not LL and I have no desire for a divorce."

This took a moment to consider.

"That is not possible."

"Did you read all of my letters to William from that box before you gave them to me?"

"No, I read only one and I kept it." She confessed freely still considering his words. It could not be true. Her initials fit, her circumstances fit, the timing fit.

"Perhaps, if your scruples had not returned so precipitously you would have discovered this truth for yourself. For though I did not name her in any of the letters, indeed the circumstances surrounding what happened made it too painful, the events particularly as they related to Darcy would have made her identity plain enough."

"Stephen, please, I don't understand. Lady Laura must be your LL."

"And believing this has caused you pain." He asked gently. His blue eyes were filled with regret and Elizabeth knew how much he would always try to shield her from any harm. In this case she simply could not allow it.

"Yes." She admitted honestly forcing herself not to look away. When one of his hands came to stroke the side of her face she almost lost her resolve. Quickly stepping out of the warmth and confusion of his arms she continued. "Stephen, to know you could now be with the one you love, but for our arrangement pains me greatly."

It was not a lie. It simply was not the whole truth. Stephen seemed to reluctantly accept the space she had placed between them as he looked at her and considered his response.

"Is that the only reason it pains you?"

Would he leave her no quarter? Did he not realize that once certain things were said between them they could not be unsaid, unknown. He was not a cruel man and she could not reconcile his seeming need for her to confess her feelings with what she knew to be true of him. The look in his eyes as he watched her earnestly indicated he did not know the answer to the question he was asking. So why then were they even discussing it?

"Stephen, I feel as though I have been placed on stage, in the middle of a play and no one has told me my lines or indeed the name of the play?" She confessed a little desperately.

"I must admit I have felt the same at times since our arrival in London, but this conversation has made certain things clearer." He smiled slightly at this. "I suppose you might say I have a page or two of the script, but I am still missing some of the more important pieces."

"Well, then will you please explain things to me?" She asked almost stomping her foot.

"I have been trying." He answered back almost as agitated. "You seem reluctant to believe me. Let us start with the simple fact that Lady Laura is not LL. It has been so long since I used those initials . . ." he paused. "I have imagined this moment for almost seven years, have pictured dozens of variations, but never this. Never us standing in Darcy's house, married but not really married with you believing I love another woman."

"Stephen, if you are truly going to share your script with me it would be best if you used words and phrases I could understand." She pressed. His musings seemed not directed at her and though she tried briefly to make sense of them she did not know what he was talking about at all.

"Very well, please sit." She did so reluctantly though Stephen remained standing.

"When you first wrote me asking what I desired out of our marriage I did not answer. I have been putting off this conversation. It is not because I am uncertain about my desires or because of anything to do with Lady Laura as you have apparently come to believe." He began. "When we married I knew you did not love me, but these past few weeks I thought I had noticed a change in you, but still I held back for a myriad of reasons, some of which I did not think I could share. But Elizabeth I cannot be the source of pain for you. Although I have a hard time believing you have not known it all this time it seems true." He stopped and abruptly knelt in front of her taking her hands in his own.

"Elizabeth, I love you."

"I know you do, Stephen." Her voice was a little breathless.

"You do?" He sounded confused.

"Of course, through all of this I have never doubted your love for me. Since we met in Hunsford and later when I became a part of your family you have been a faithful friend, a constant supporter and I have always felt your love."

"Elizabeth," his hands found his way to her face and this disturbing habit wreaked havoc with her senses. "I am not speaking of familial love."

"Yes of course you are." she persisted. "You love me as you love Margaret."

"No," he said almost angrily. "Elizabeth, you are not in a play you do not understand. You are at the wrong theater." He kissed her without warning. There was nothing uncertain about it. Nothing gentle, even. His lips moved over hers with purpose and her response was immediate. Her hands went from her lap to around his neck without any thought or intent on her part. Too quickly he pulled back but only far enough to place his forehead against hers.

"We have not done nearly as much of that as I would have liked but after even one of those kisses how can you compare what we share to my relationship to my sister? I do not love you as I love her. I love you as I have loved no one else. As I will love no one else. I need you like I need food or water. I always have. I want you like I want my next breath. I always will. You are the most intelligent, perceptive, kind, loyal woman I have ever met. Did you really not know all this time that you are my LL? My Lovely Lizzy?" His hands returned to her face and their gentle, distracting stroking.

"How can this be?" Was all Elizabeth could manage to say and this was only after forcing herself to take a few unsteady breathes.

"I am afraid it is a rather long tale."

"And I am afraid it may take the entirety of it before I am convinced." She informed him. All of her former suppositions were being overthrown and hope was growing inside her like a weed but she would not allow it full reign until she could understand how she could have been so wrong and so blind for so long and why on earth Stephen would have waited to declare himself when they had been married almost a year. It simply did not add up.

"Then you shall have it." He conceded rising and taking a seat across from Elizabeth. She felt the loss of his touch acutely but it also allowed her to focus her mind on whatever it was he was about to say.

"I suppose if I am to tell the whole tale it must begin in Kent."

"Kent?" she interrupted.

"Yes, of course because that is when I fell in love with you." He said as if this were the most obvious thing in the world. "Surely, you remember how much attention I paid you? I thought I was fairly obvious."

"In fact you were not, Sir.' She cried. "I thought . . . well at the time I did consider that you had developed some sort of affection for me, but then you made a point of telling me how younger sons could not marry where they wished and so . . ." she stopped certain he would see how this led her to conclude he was warning her away.

"Of course why would I bother to say that had I not already succumbed to your charms. Had I not needed to remind myself that I could not afford to marry a dowerless beauty from Hertfordshire?"

It was so close to an interpretation she had once hoped to give to his words that Elizabeth only nodded for him to continue.

"But it was all for naught. Every conversation we had, every smile I coaxed from you, every walk we took together drew me deeper under your spell. Darcy and I were not ten miles from Kent when I told him everything."

"That cannot have gone well." Elizabeth guessed, her head spinning from the revelation that Stephen had been so firmly decided for her in Kent. She wondered how the two men could have discussed such intimate feelings, which they apparently shared.

"You say that only because he had proposed the day previous I suppose." Stephen responded matter of factly. "But you see he did not tell me this. He did not tell me anything of his history or his feelings for you."

There was a slight edge of bitterness and regret in his voice that alerted Elizabeth to the fact that this memory still held some power over him.

"I still think about that discussion in the carriage. I was so full of my love for you. Of plans and purpose. He listened, with what I thought was patience and tolerance at the time. Now I see what pain I must have been causing him. Having just been rejected by you." He looked at her then.

"Rejected most cruelly."

"So I have since learned." He admitted. "But as I said he told me nothing of this. Partly for his own reasons, but partly for me as well."

"What did he say?" Elizabeth was dying to know.

"He asked me why I did not declare myself if I was so certain of my regard. I confessed that I was not equally certain of yours." He looked to her then as if looking for confirmation.

"I confess my feelings for you at the time were far from decided. I do not know what I would have said had you told me of your regard." That was all she was willing to admit for the time being.

"I knew we got on well, but from what I could see you got on with everyone – except Darcy. Darcy also pointed out that I was far from able to support a wife. Since my plan until then had been to marry my fortune. He went on to challenge me as to the steadfastness of my feelings."

"And it never occurred to you that he might have ulterior motives for this advice?" Elizabeth hated to think ill of her late husband but right now she could not help but view with sympathy a love-struck Stephen unwittingly pouring his heart out to his trusted cousin who with less than pure motives expertly steered him away from the woman he intended to court.

"I know it must seem that way now and indeed when I learned all I at first thought that way too, but I came to believe Darcy's motives to be at least partially pure."

"What do you mean?"

"At the time you had rejected him most decidedly and he had no hope or plans to win you back. He was right about my prospects and about the length of my attachment to you. So when he suggested I do nothing until I had spent one season in London giving the heiresses a chance I saw the wisdom in that. What is more Darcy may have been trying to deter me, but I do not think even he himself saw that at the time."

"You are very generous. "

"I was not when I first learned of your engagement, but that comes later in the story."

"Well I suppose he was correct in his advice as your attachment did not last?" she asked knowing he had not attempted to see her again.

"Have you not been paying attention, Elizabeth." He responded sharply. "I have just confessed that I have loved you all these years."

She blushed, remembering that first letter he had written from London.

"I apologize."

"No, I am sorry, but it seems you are determined to doubt me. I did indeed go to London as Darcy advised not because I wanted to but because I thought you deserved to have a suitor who knew his own mind. I wrote to him constantly about my lack of success. How I still thought of you constantly, how none of the women I saw compared to your beauty, your wit, your everything." He shot her a wry smile. "Again I see now how I must have been torturing my poor cousin who himself thought he had lost all chance of winning you. He barely acknowledged my struggles only advised me to stay the course we had set."

At Elizabeth questioning look he clarified.

"I had agreed to spend a season looking over the heiresses and debutantes my family felt most eligible. What I did not tell him or anyone else I was doing was investing my meager funds. I tried to let my heart be as free of you as possible, but I still planned. My mother had always wished I had not chosen the military, but when I did she gifted me a small amount of money to invest. It was practically every scrap of her pin money. I could not believe it. She told me she never needed it as other household accounts covered her expenses well enough. Anyway, she said it was for me to make good my escape from the dangerous life I had chosen one day. Of course until I met you the military seemed a grand adventure. I had paid little attention to the money allowing our family solicitor to invest it. Now I asked mother how I could make the most of it. This pleased her greatly and she saw to it that her family's solicitor handled it assuring me he would see to I earned a greater rate."

Elizabeth's head spun as she thought about her life during that year after Kent. Her thoughts were filled with William and Wickham, Jane and Bingley. She realized she had thought very little of Stephen after they had parted in Kent, but to know his whole life had been wrapped up in planning for her. It was overwhelming. Her heart nearly broke as she anticipated the news which he would hear soon in his tale.

"I was particularly pleased when the season ended that summer and no lady had even come close to touching my heart, my investment had grown to such a degree that while I could not support you in the luxury you had been raised I felt certain that if my mother agreed that you could live with her while I served a few more years we would do very well together."

"You were determined to propose?"

"I was." He confirmed with a sad smile. "And Darcy was the first person I wanted to tell. However, I was not able to seek him out until several months after the season ended- not until August. For you see while I was willing to entertain the alliances my father coveted, something I had resisted previously, he used his influence to keep me stationed in London at the war office, something I had also resisted previously, but when I told him of my resolve not to marry as he directed, I was shipped off with a regiment to the north for several months."

"It was not until early August when I received an express from Darcy. He asked that I return to London at once to help him with a dire situation caused by our old friend Wickham."

"You helped William find Lydia?" She was incredulous. Not only had she never heard of his involvement at the time he had never spoken of it since. No one had. "Why did William never tell me? Why did you not."

"The reasons will become plain." He said simply before continuing. "I was able to obtain leave as I was still in that line of military work where coming and going is not of much consequence."

This reminded Elizabeth that very soon in his chronology that would change and learning what she was she shuddered to think of his reasons for putting himself in harm's way and of how he had left things with his cousin.

"When I arrived at Darcy house I was given very sparse details of your reunion at Pemberley. I was horrified to learn Lydia was in danger. I had never met her, but you and I had spoken of her several times and to be frank I hoped to call her sister one day myself. I was determined to do anything I could to save her. I was a little uncertain as to why Darcy was so involved, but between his heightened sense of honor, what Wickham had almost done to Georgie and his knowledge of my plans for you I did not ask too many questions. If only he had been candid with me . . ."

Elizabeth reached out for Stephen's hand. Sometime during this last speech he had come to sit beside her. She could see this recitation was taking its toll and while she wished to spare him she was certain they both needed it out in the open.

"You know the rest. We were able to locate them as they were lodging with a Mrs. Younge with whom we had had dealings in the past. I went to the boarding house and negotiated with Wickham initially as he was always a little bit afraid of me and then when we knew we had an agreement Darcy went to your Aunt and Uncle. I had no leave left and so returned to the north to purchase the commission and continued to make my plans. In the little time we had to talk of others things I did tell Darcy all about my determination to see you again. I wish I had noticed how distressed this seemed to make him. I thought it was just the situation. I think he tried to tell me about his own feelings several times, but he stopped himself."

His breathing became slightly different. After talking a deep breath and squeezing her hand he continued.

"Two months later when I was in town for several days on my way to a new assignment, ironically one that would have brought me close enough to call on you regularly, I saw the announcement."

"Of our engagement?"

"Yes." He sighed. "I couldn't believe it. I was certain it was an error. Someone had gotten the names wrong. Someone was playing a joke. I called at Darcy House immediately. No one was there, but of course Mrs. Fitzgibbons attended me and as she had the servants take my things and assured me all of my favorites would be prepared immediately she asked if I had heard the news. It was then that the first prick of fear crept in.

" _What news?" Stephen asked with only a small sense of foreboding as he knew it could not be what he feared._

" _The master is getting married."_

" _That cannot be." Stephen assured her with all the confidence of a man who both knows and needs it to be true._

" _Oh but it is." She replied with a smile. "Mr. Darcy was here only two days ago to write up the announcement himself and to get some of the jewels from the family vault to bring to the young lady."_

 _Well then the name of the lady must be the error. Stephen realized with certainty._

" _And who is the lucky young lady who is to be become the next Mrs. Darcy?" he asked trying not to hold his breath as he awaited the answer.'_

" _A Miss Elizabeth Bennet." Mrs. Fitzgibbon proclaimed with pride as if the name brought with it faith hope and love itself. "She hails from Hertfordshire and I have heard the master say she is the very picture of intelligence and beauty."_

" _Do you know the young lady?"_

"I can't say how I answered Mrs. Fitzgibbons that night." Stephen said and Elizabeth's heart squeezed at the pain that still marked his eyes. "It was not even that I knew I had lost you in that moment because I recognized that I had never even had you."

"It was that you thought you lost him." Elizabeth said knowingly.

"Yes." He smiled sadly. "So I indulged in a good amount of Darcy's brandy that night and woke up very late the next day in his study. Mrs. Fitzgibbons did not quite know what to do with me. I stayed for a few days. Darcy came back one night and found me in the study."

"He was there to finalize the settlement." Elizabeth told him. She knew when their confrontation must have occurred not only from the timeline Stephen had been building but also from the time William returned from London decidedly out of sorts.

"Did you confront him? Ask him how he could have done such a thing to you?" She asked.

"Not at first."

"You had more important things to discuss?" She demanded incredulously.

"No, it was my fists which had some things to discuss with his face." He admitted sheepishly.

"You fought him?"

"Well it could hardly be called a fight. Darcy did not put up much resistance. After which we had words. I said many angry things. Some of which were justified, many were not. He admitted everything. His proposal in Hunsford, his intentions when he saw you at Pemberley. But he swore that he had meant well in his advice to me in the beginning. I did not believe him of course. My parting words were less than kind."

"When William returned to Netherfield he had a bruise on his face and could not account for his ill mood. Now I understand. When we were in London in November we dined with your father and mother. I had hoped you would be there." She told him. "That was when we were told you had joined the regulars and were even then awaiting a ship which would take you to battle in France. William was beside himself. The rest of the evening I could barely coax a word out of him."

"We did speak before I shipped out and I wrote to him before I boarded that boat."

"I know." She confessed. "I read that letter."

"I thought you had only read one?"

"Only one from that particular box." She assured him.

"The one where I mentioned LL."

"Indeed."

She knew they were nearing the end of their journey in to the past. Something she both longed for and dreaded, but she still wanted to understand one thing.

"Will you tell me the story of the rock?"

"It is from the day I first knew I loved you." He answered.

"It is from Kent?" She clarified.

"The pond between Rosings and Hunsford to be more precise." He watched her face, it seemed waiting for her to remember.

"You taught me to skip stones there." She offered. Not recalling a stone with any significance but remembering several days they walked there and he patiently helped her learn the art at which she was now quite adept.

"I did, and one day I picked up this stone to throw." He said taking the object in question from the breast pocket of his jacket. "You looked at it and declared it too beautiful to sacrifice to the water and then closing my fingers around it begged me to hold on to it."

She nodded, vaguely recalling such a conversation. It sounded like the kind of nonsense she would say anyway.

"I knew then."

"How? Why?"

"I cannot say precisely. It might have been the way my heart skipped at your touch. Or how I would have given anything to see that light in your eyes again and again. Maybe it was the laughter with which you spoke, you were serious and yet not taking yourself seriously at all. Perhaps it was then that I realized I could recall every word you had spoken to me, how I stored them up fearing I would need them for some rainy day, but hoping I would forever be adding to their number. I cannot say exactly, but I just knew without question, without reservation or doubt."

Elizabeth did not know what to say. She saw the truth in his eyes and wished she could recall more clearly that moment herself.

"I did not know." She whispered, regretful.

"Of course you did not. I did not want you to. I may have realized I loved you, but I was by no means decided on what to do about it. I was long ways from believing I deserved you and I knew you did not love me. And so, I pocketed the rock to commemorate the occasion and we went about our afternoon." He smiled at her and she marveled at how she had won the unwavering affection of such a man.

"How did William end up with it?"

"I gave it to him."

She waited for him to explain.

"During the same carriage ride where I confessed my feelings and he concealed his own." He clarified. "I asked him to keep it safe. I told him it was a symbol of the love I held for you and the love I hoped you would some day hold for me and that when I won your affection I would give it to you."

"He kept it." She said.

"I should have realized he would."

"Now I understand why William reacted so strongly when we came upon it that day and why you did as well the other day."

"Yes, exactly. It was just another reminder that I had something I had always wanted at the expense of everyone else, indeed at a cost I would never have agreed to pay. I had you as my wife, something I had dreamed of since that day we walked together in Hunsford, but I felt so guilty. It was torture."

"Stephen . . ." She did not know how to comfort him.

"I did not understand why he included the stone with your letter . . . until I read mine. He was a wise man, the best friend and he loved you more than anything."

Elizabeth let the tears fall. After a few moments she said.

"Stephen you do know that you have nothing to feel guilty for?" She told him, drawing him closer by pulling at their intertwined hands. Even as she said it she knew he already knew it as well, but perhaps hearing it from her would help ease the pain it was causing him. She had struggled with the same demons.

"I know, but I until I read his letter I could not fully let it go. I could never fully commit to you, to us." He smiled then and looked down at their hands. "And so now we are here. With me loving you even more than I did that day in Kent. We are married" he sounded incredulous at this reality, "and I still do not know if you have come to feel anything for me beyond friendship and family."

The familiar blue eyes now regarded her with open curiosity, and vulnerability. Elizabeth was shocked he did not know her feelings already. Perhaps being in love made you blind. They had both failed to see what was apparently so clear to others. Had Jane not told her as much? Had not her Aunt?

"Stephen, how can you not know?" She nearly laughed. This time it was her hands on his face. Her brown eyes holding his blue. "Of course I love you. How could I not? Your care and loyalty won my friendship long ago, but these past months something deeper has grown. I fought it for some time but to no avail. In the end, I found myself deeply in love with my dearest friend, the man I had married, and so certain I had no hope of winning his regard."

"I cannot believe it." His brilliant smile lit his eyes in a way Elizabeth had never seen. "My lovely Lizzy are you really and truly mine?"

"Yes, Stephen could you please reconcile yourself to it a little faster so that I can kiss you?"

He laughed deeply before closing the small space between their lips. They were both smiling too much for the kiss to be anything approaching passionate. Soon their laughter ended the kiss.

"Well that did not quite go as planned." He pouted but with that angelic smile still firmly in place.

"I suppose we have a lifetime to perfect it." She said wistfully unable to keep her own silly smile off her face.

"I suppose that is true." He came to sit beside her pulling her against him. "I can hardly believe it, after all we have been through, but that does appear to be the case."

"Well believe it my dear, dear husband as I plan to persuade you to a great many things over the years and to allow you to attempt to persuade me to a few as well. In fact, I have a mind to begin immediately."

"You do?" he asked, eyes sparkling with indulgent delight. "I cannot imagine I will require much persuasion to agree to anything you desire, but I would hate to miss your methods"

"Well, I was hoping to convince you to attend to some household matters with me."

"That may take some persuasion." He leaned in for a kiss. After a moment, she broke away.

"Convinced?" she asked with a hint of mischief.

"Perhaps," he sighed. "What type of household matters? Investment meetings, accounts, letter writing?"

"Nothing quite so intellectual." She assured him. "I was hoping you would help me rearrange some of my belongings."

"Of course." He agreed. "What did you have in mind?"

"Well if you insist on staying in the east wing I suppose I will have to move all of my things there as well."

"Elizabeth, you have made me so happy. Please do not feel . . . we do not need to rush things." He seemed so uncharacteristically uncertain, Elizabeth could not help but laugh.

"Stephen, you have been in love with me for seven years, we have been married for nearly a year, we shared our first kiss months ago and although I only realized I loved you sometime last week it has been coming on for many months so I think we can safely say nothing about this strange courtship of ours could in any way be described as rushed."

Stephen regarded her with a smile and though it was no different than those he had often worn while looking at her over the years Elizabeth now knew the look in his eyes was one of a deep and abiding love, a love that had endured and grown, and she wondered how she had not seen it before.

"Very well, wife. If it is your wish to move your belongings to the east wing this evening I, of course, shall not object; however . . ."

"Oh no Stephen," she interrupted pulling him to his feet. "I was suggesting we throw ourselves into this task forthwith."

"Forthwith?" He asked, a little breathless.

"Forthwith." She confirmed, taking his hand and leading him, quite willing, out of the room.

The End . . . And the Beginning


End file.
